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Anonbride
Expert July 2023 Cornwall

Changing your name... to double barrel or to take his name?

Anonbride, 1 of March of 2022 at 16:40 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 21

Me again haha!

I really love the idea of me and FH having the same last name so I'm personally dead set against just keeping my last name because I don't want us having different last names after we're married.

Initially, I was against the idea of double barrelling as it's a bit of a mouthful (we'd be Statham-Watkins) and thought I'd just take his last name as is tradition.

Howeverrrrr, due to all the dramas with FMIL, I now really hate the idea of being Mrs Watkins - just like her. (Although, I think she is Ms Watkins now as FH's parents are divorced but she didn't change her name back.) My mum had different but equally draining issues with her MIL, and did regret not double barrelling herself so I'm a bit nervous I'd feel the same. I'm also feeling a bit sad giving up my family name and my identity... but maybe that's normal and will pass?

My brother suggested I get FH to change his last name to mine in a real feminist move, but I think there would be utter chaos in his family if we did that as it's so bold and so non-standard that it would come across as a real "we hate you" move (and I don't hate his dad, who is lovely, and the rest of the family have been very pleasant towards me/us).

Basically now I'm erring towards suggesting to FH that we go for the double barrel, even though it's a mouthful!

What's everyone else doing, how did you decide?

21 replies

Latest activity by Bliss, 9 of April of 2022 at 23:25
  • Yorkshirelass
    Super July 2022 Surrey
    Yorkshirelass ·
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    I’m keeping mine as I don’t really like his lol! He is fine with it.
    I’ve had my name for 45 years and I didn’t want to double barrel it as I agree it can be a mouthful.
    However it is a bit of a mess really as my two daughters don’t have my name anyway, perhaps I should have double barrelled their names but this would cause too much fuss and upset if I did that now so I will just stay the smart and we will have three surnames for the 4 of us!
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  • xkimx007
    Beginner October 2022 South Yorkshire
    xkimx007 ·
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    It's such a shame it has got to this point with your FMIL that you are now questioning whether you want to take his family name. I think the whole 'losing your identify' thing is pretty normal, it's a big statement. For me, I wanted to make that statement. I'm a feminist and the best thing about that is it's my choice and I chose that I want to show that commitment and take my FH's name. It's reframing it and seeing it as gaining an identity and starting your own family (as it's the name we will both share with our future children too). I will be sad to not have the same name as all of my family anymore but when I really thought about it, it's just a name. It won't change a thing. Maybe this is your opportunity to give the world a Mrs Watkins they can be proud of. Be all the good things she isn't!

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I took my OHs name - double-barreling would have made too much of a mouthful and we knew that we both wanted the same surname, so it was just a case of picking which one. He offered to change to mine, but I know it would have caused uproar in my family. Not that this would have stopped me if I'd particularly wanted to do it, but I wasn't fussed either way. We don't have to think about passing the name on as we can't have kids, so whichever we chose would die out with us anyway. His surname went well with my forenames and my surname didn't fit so well with his forenames.

    I had a couple of friends who were outraged that I'd 'supported the patriarchy' by taking my husband's name, (one of them still refuses to use my married name as a mark of protest Smiley amazing ) but I don't see it that way - my 'maiden' name was my father's - which came down from HIS father - which came down from HIS father... So if I really wanted to 'stand against the patriarchy' with my choice of surname, I should have picked my mother's maiden name...except that her name was HER father's. Whichever way you look at it, I'd be picking a male relative's name, so it might as well be the name of the one 'relative' I chose for myself!

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  • K
    Curious September 2022 Greater Manchester
    Kate ·
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    I'm keeping my name; I've been 'Ms S' for many years and don't feel the need to change.
    My fiance would prefer me to change to his name ( though he wouldn't consider changing to mine...)

    I'd have no real problem being referred to as "Mr & Mrs M" in unofficial situations (for example booking a table in restaurant) as that's of no real consequence.
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Thanks so much for your response! The future children thing is a big factor in why I really want us to have the same name... That's an interesting perspective on being a better Mrs Watkins!! I'll think on that definitely Smiley smile

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  • Pinkcoffee22
    Dedicated April 2022 Staffordshire
    Pinkcoffee22 ·
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    I’m actually going to be double-barrelling my surname with FH’s, and then he suggested a few days ago that he’s going to as well, so that our family will all be the same. I’m touched and really excited by that (and don’t care what his family think!) xx
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  • L
    Rockstar July 2023 Greater Manchester
    Lisa ·
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    My other half is taking my name. I chose to change my surname by change of name deed at 16 for a story too long to explain. I like my surname and never wanted to give it up which he’s known for years.
    Double-barrelling would look weird for us, mine is 8 characters and his is 13 characters, so a 20+ character surname wasn’t something either of us wanted.

    I assumed for a long time we’d just have different surnames and was fine with that, but he decided a couple of years before we got engaged he wanted to take mine & he’s not changed his mind since. His family know, but they weren’t really given the option to protest and it was announced such a while ago now, everyone is used to the idea and it’s not been brought up since.
    Either way I’d say make the decision as a couple and ignore your family and in-laws opinions. It’s your life, what do you want to be called? Hope you figure it out soon Smiley smile
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I'm starting to err towards this! How did you decide which way round to put them? I said "Statham-Watkins" to FH yesterday and he was like "Why does yours get to go first?!" haha

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Thanks for all the advice everyone, it's so helpful to hear how you've all been thinking about it - please do keep sharing any opinions/experiences if you're happy to do so!

    FH goes by his last name in a few of his friendship circles, as he has a very common first name, so he's said he doesn't feel like he can give that up - so him taking mine is out and I think that's a very fair reason as I actually referred to him as his last name when we were just friends and only swapped to using his first name when we got together.

    He's a little upset I don't feel like I want to be Mrs Watkins anymore, but understands where I'm coming from terms of it losing my identity and also how his mother has made me feel about it.

    I'm currently debating between us both double-barrelling (but we're having a bit of a thing about who's name gets to go first haha) or me still taking his name but moving my maiden name into my middle name so it's still there...

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  • Jane
    Dedicated June 2022 Bristol
    Jane ·
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    I’m going to try a bit of a hybrid - my FH won’t take my last name (tbf, his son has a double barrelled surname with his ex and he wants to keep his part of that). Nor is he keen on double barrelling - which I agree with, it would be a mouthful! I’m thinking of using his name for most stuff but keeping my maiden name at work. If/when I formally change, I’ll almost certainly keep my maiden name as a middle name - I don’t already have one and don’t want to completely lose my maiden name either.
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Go by how it sounds - personally, I think Statham-Watkins sounds better than Watkins-Statham.

    Or, if you can't agree, flip a coin or pull a name out of a hat!

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  • T
    Rockstar May 2022 Oxfordshire
    Tamsin ·
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    Traditionally the man’s surname goes first when you double barrel, but there’s no reason why you have to stick to that. If he’s known by his surname then keeping his first does make more sense IMO.
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I thought it sounded better that way round too! But thought that might just be because I was biased about my name going first haha

    Good idea to leave it up to fate though, thank you!

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    That's interesting - I hadn't realised there was a traditional order when double barrelling!

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  • L
    Dedicated September 2023 Derbyshire
    Lizzie ·
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    Couple of people I know chose a totally different name to share when they got married. Seemed like a good idea to me Smiley smile

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  • Sophie
    Savvy November 2023 Derbyshire
    Sophie ·
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    We're having this discussion at the moment so it's really interesting to see what other people are doing! I want to double barrel with my name then his, he wants me to drop my name and just have his which I've refused to do. It's nice to see I'm not the only one who doesn't want to lose my maiden name!

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  • Sinéad
    Dedicated October 2022 Cork
    Sinéad ·
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    Hello,


    I always said I would keep my own name. I only changed my mind after having our children. I'm now changing my name to match my FH and my children. My kids can't wait for me to have the same last name as them. I think it's a personal choice. Two of my sisters are married one took their husbands name the other one didn't .Do whatever makes you both comfortable and happy . No one else's business 🤣
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  • Claudia
    Beginner June 2024 Lagoa
    Claudia ·
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    I think this is such a good response, couldn't agree more! I am also in the decision making process and unsure what to do! Im leaning towards taking his name but then again not completely sold on it. I think its totally a personal decision and there is no right or wrong answers!

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I'm now strongly leaning towards moving my maiden name into my middle name and taking FH's last name.

    The more I've spoken to him about it the more I've understood that he genuinely was really excited about me taking his name (rather than just not wanting to change his or anything) and I do personally think it's easier to have one last name rather than a double barrelled one. So it does feel like a nice thing to do for him and my name does go with his last name.

    My issue is that I would have been really excited to take his name if it wasn't for his mother and I think all the worries about losing my identity and keeping my connection to my family came about because I didn't want to be associated with her - but I do want to be associated with HIM! So trying to remember that us as a pair is all that matters Smiley smile

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  • H
    Beginner October 2022 Surrey
    Harriet ·
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    I’m keeping my name as a second middle name as I don’t think our names will work double barrelled. My Dad died in 2020 and it’s only my brother and I; unless he has children there’ll be nobody to keep the name going. If and when we have children, they’ll also have my (then!) maiden name as a second middle name.
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Oh I really like the idea of passing your maiden name in as middle names for your children ♥️
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  • Bliss
    Savvy October 2022 West Sussex
    Bliss ·
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    I have issues with my FMIL and have not spoken to her since March 2019, because of this my partner will be taking my name! His family will not be told as they will never see his official paperwork.
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