Cheif bridesmaid wants a baby! Selfish rant, help!

Personally at the moment I would leave it as her as chief and see what happens. If she ends up being due at wedding then I would think about changing it and maybe her doing a reading if there but it's fine if she's not, but still refer to her as BM etc. At least you'd have 9 months notice to plan it. I really wouldnt do anything yet, Remember sometimes ppl take a while to get pregnant or things happen along the way and it would be so awful if at the end of this she didn't have a baby like she wants by your wedding, plus wasnt a BM? Just my opinion but I do understand your concerns.

My MOH is pregnant at the moment, due a few months before the wedding.

To me, this isn't a problem at all as I think there is nothing more important in anyones life that their children and am over the moon for her.

It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be able to fully participate in the hen but this isn't a problem for me as I can't afford to do anything big!

I'd give her all the support you can as you don't want to end up falling out with your best friend over something as joyous as a baby!

At the end of the day, the only 2 people who need to be fighting fit on the wedding day are you and your OH so I'd just concentrate on the two of you and let everything else go with the flow :-)

Your wedding isn't the be all and end all of her life, if she's planning something as life changing as having a baby just be pleased for her. Whatever you do don't suggest she "waits and puts 100% it"...unless you want to lose a friend!

My advice is speak to her, support her but make it clear that you will carry on with your normal plans (going abroad etc) and she can fit into them as and when depending on the situation. She can still support you on the day.

Thanks ladies,

I'm in now way expecting or wanting my wedding to be her be all and end all! we are 34 and too old to fall out! but it's just so close date wise to wedding dates that i worry she'll not be there. she's always said she'd never risk being pregnant if i were to get married (not my doing hers as she's desperate to be my chief) so i was just surprised at the changed rush to get pregnant!

I think whats annoyed me more is the assumption my hen do has to fit her needs and not mine! she's never allow me to say that if it was the otherway round!

x

I think you're right that the hen do should not revolve around her needs...if she wants to have a baby then great and I don't think you should panic at this point but if you want to go away for your hen do then go away, she's chosen to get pregnant and therefore she's chosen to miss out.

I think you need to see how it goes, she may not fall at all till after your wedding.

I ordered my BM dresses in mid January and in early Feb had a phone call from one of my BM saying she was pregenant - ok so shes not my CBM - but she will be 8 months at the wedding! The shop have ordered me extra material to alter her dress nearer the time. I support her 100% of the way and she even offered to pull out, I told her to stop being stupid and I had asked her for a reason.

You don't say how may BM's you have but is there someone how can step in if she does fall? I know it's your big day and the only thing that is important to you, but she may want to try now for reasons of her own.

If it was me I would try not to worry till near the time. Good luck x

I have her as my CBM and my sister as BM. she has always asked me to promise she'll be my CBM and the one to sort out my hen do which i've always said to her of course it would be her, we've been friends for 15 years!

I'm over the moom for her as far as babies as concerned, im next but do think (as harsh as it sounds) she needs to look at the dates and realise how close they are to the wedding! If she wasnt CBM and demading to be the one in charge of everything i wouldnt care. I have other friends who will be pregant an it doesnt bother me, it's great but I dont feel she can do both! As awful as it sounds when i read that back!

x

Kind of echoing mostly what everyone else has said!

I totally get where you're coming from. I know myself that when I have a plan in my head it just has to happen like that and I don't cope very well with change. I'd also know I'd be particularly upset if my CBM couldn't make some of my wedding etc as I've gone through this!

On the other hand, having a baby is a massive deal, much more so than your wedding (maybe not to you of course but to her!) I think you just need to support her in this so not to risk losing from what sounds a VERY CLOSE friend and wait and see what happens.

There are lots of possibilities.

If she has the baby BEFORE your wedding. I would keep her as your CBM. I think she's definitely be able to be there for you on the day as presumably her partner would be around to take care of the baby. As for the hen night, if you still want to go abroad, DO IT, she can't dictate that, its YOUR hen night and HER choice to have a baby. On the other hand, I'd know I'd be gutted if my CBM wasn't on my hen so you'd just have to decide if it's worth compromising on to have her there! And if she can't drink that doesn't really matter at all!

If she falls pregnant so that baby is due AROUND THE TIME of your wedding. I would consider choosing a different CBM and maybe calmly and nicely mention this to her, that if she decided to get pregnant and it happens this way that you'd feel it best that she was just a BM rather than a CBM incase she can't make it/carry out her role fully! If she wants to be your CBM so much maybe she'll have a second thought and delay trying for a bit!

Finally, it may take her longer this time, fertility changes and if she falls pregnant so that the baby is due AFTER your wedding. No problem, okay so you'll have to figure her dress out with a bump possibly and again she may not be able to drink but minor issues!

Whatever the case may be, just remember you love your friend and in any other circumstance you'd be over the moon about her having a baby!

I think you're being a bit (sorry, hate this word) but selfish BUT I think I can see where you're coming from or at least the bit that would have annoyed me...I cannot stand someone deciding MONTHS in advance that they can't do something. The arranging now that she won't make your hen seems a bit selfish on her part to be prattling on about (not to mention how silly it sounds to be planning as much as this over something that may not fall into her tight timeline! Surely she could leave it as "we're trying" then you both just see what happens and deal with it nearer the time?! If she is pregnant then I personally would step down if it were me but offer all the help I could and as for missing the hen, well, I can imagine she wouldn't go abroad but you could always do something together at home - a spa day for instance so she isnt missing it all and you aren't missing her not being at the main Hen.

Whatever happens there will be a way round it all and a compromise to be made without either of you having to lose out!

I will arrange my hen do around my guests as I think it is nice for everyone to be involved. I think thats she is your best mate and children are beautiful things and wonderful to have at a wedding. If its the planning ur worried about she can share the duties with someone else. If my cheif said to me said wanted a baby i'd be extatic, I would probs leave my wedding to go to the hosp with her if she dropped that day! I think see how it goes. Thats my impartial opinion, I always worry and care too much for others :/!

Good luck ?

Hey hun your not selfish it is your day and hen and it is about you for that time.

A few years ago I was meant to be my friends MOH and i was pregnant with our first son and in the end i stepped down (my choice) as i didnt want to over shaddow her day. i would have been ready to pop and thats not fair on her or me for stress. as a result i was able to enjoy her day and my pregnancy.

In all honesty id have a chat with her and just explain that you want her to enjoy your day too and dont think her being MOH will be fair on her or the baby and maybe her being a guest is a better option? (obviously not this wording lol) You need someone who can be there for u and do what YOU want, it is after all about you.. and i guess a little about the groom If she is a good enough friend she will understand, Just try to make it come across as its more for her and baby.

Hth! x

Dont regret anything from you day

Wow.

perhaps your wedding is not the most important thing in your CBM's life?

Just a thought.

Exactly this!

My BM is due to give birth a few days before my wedding. My thoughts have only been sheer happiness that she is having a baby. So in this case I do think you are being Bridezilla!

Good god. How selfish are you being?! Her life does not revolve around your wedding. Ridiculous.

I can kind of empathise. Less so about her not being around but more about the dress. I know two of my bridesmaids may try for babies before my wedding. I discussed it with the shop when I went to pick the dress and picked one with a lace up back in chiffon and the dress shop said whent they all get measured order a size bigger so it will fit if they do fall pregnant and can be taken in if not.

One bridesmaid totally over the moon I am so supportive....other one refuses to order a dress a size bigger and I will just have to deal with it if she does get pregnant. I have made it clear I can pay for alterations and I have made every effort to ensure they fit in their dresses but I do not have the budget to pay for a new dress.

I wouldn't sack my maid of honour for not being around to be honest. Mine has a 3 year old and a full time job and lives the other end of the country. She's my maid of honour because she means the world to me and will be the most important person there with me getting ready. I can't really understand brides needing help. I have had none but a bit of support from my mum? I have organised everything myself and wouldn't dream of expecting my bridesmaid to do anything. They are bridesmaids because I want them their on the day. If I end up with a new niece or nephew I'll have a baby page boy or flower baby! Cuteness. Sit and have a chat with her and certainly don't alter your hen plans.

Oh and I don't drink at all for health reasons and it makes me sad to think people think i'm less fun!

My BM is also due 2 weeks before my wedding and I feel exactly the same way as LilMissRed. I'm delighted for her.

This! Totally bridezilla!

Why should your wedding dictate when she decides to have children? Maybe she wants her children to be closer in ages rather than wait til after your wedding? In fact there are loads of reasons why she may want to try now and maybe she needs you to support her.

I think she'd be really hurt if you ditched her as CBM because of this. Bridesmaids really don't have to do that much, if she's still happy to do it then I wouldn't worry.

I think you are overthinking things. If she wasn't openly discussing her plans and accidentally fell pregnant you would just have to deal with it so I suggest you do just that if and when the pregnancy happens. Perhaps she is just as excited about the prospect of becoming a mum again as you are with getting married so allow her.

Is she really so desperate to be your CBM that she's planning her family around you?! That's some serious dedication to your friendship! But I honestly don't think being a CBM and having a baby are equal 'priorities' to choose between.

I would suggest you don't worry about this until much nearer the time when you want to plan your hen, and then either have it abroad without her (if she's unable to come), or adjust things around her if you'd rather her be there.

I wouldn't ever consider sacking a BM just because they are pregnant!

You're being completely out of order in my opinion. However important it is to you, it's a wedding at the end of the day and it's not really that important to the rest of the world. It's also just one day... I was supposed to be a BM last November. My friend asked me in October, the year before and in March I found out I was pregnant (unplanned). She was cool about it and it was left open - I would still be bridesmaid and attend the wedding so long as I physically could. Sadly, I had to pull out as the baby was due two days after the wedding and I was really struggling but it didn't come as a nasty surprise to my friend as we were naturally in touch about it all the way through - and I was obviously gutted I couldn't be there..

On a similar note, when we announced our engagement last year we made it very clear that we wanted to get married this August but unknown to us, OHs brother and his wife were busy trying to het pregnant. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding (what goes around comes around!) so won't be coming to the wedding as we are in the south and they are in the north. We are both very peeved but we have had to swallow it. I guess if your friend lives closer this issue is less of a problem anyway?

Also, just want to say, if she has has the baby and is breastfeeding, please don't expect her to be able to carry on as normal while her husband looks after the baby. Take it from someone who has breastfed two babies - it doesn't always work like that at all, believe me!

Anyway, I hope it all works out for you. Personally, if I were you I'd wait and see what happens first. Just because she fell pregnant immediately last time that does not mean she won't this time. As for expecting her to wait until after June 2013, that's completely unacceptable, especially if she's already got another child; it's likely there are many other things related to their decision (such as age gaps, finances, childcare etc) to go for it now than the wedding.

I totally get where your coming from i would be peed if i were in your situation too, you cant expect people to arrange their lives around your wedding but if you accept a job then you need to be able to see it through, that's not to say she wont be able to though even if she does fall but its your day so you shouldn't compromise on things to suit her in the same way she shouldn't compromise her life for your wedding.

Thanks for all your replies! I am feeling horrible after writing what i did but i needed to rant and I said what I said! I just want to make clear I am not expecting her to do anything, I cant wait for her to have another baby and its great but I dont think she realises she may not be be able to do it all! I dont think it's fair for her to be CBM if shes pregnant, due or had. Yes there is an element of me not wanting her to miss out! shes my best mate!

I just think i was mad at being told i couldnt go abroad as she couldnt go! As as she's organising it that's the way it was going to be! it's not really like her and it just annoyed me. I think it was made worse by our other best friend ringing me to tell me she was shocked at CBM's refusal to go abroad as she might have a newborn! It just made it worse!

She gave me strict rules for her wedding day, run up as i was her CBM, i couldnt do this, i had to do that!! and i did...with pleasure!

Sorry if i've offended anyone, bottom line is i just dont want my best mate and her husband, who is also a dear friend not to be there, but as youve all made clear...life goes on! x

It's not really a job though is it? It is her life and being a BM just happens to be something that comes up in life.

To the OP, I can understand your frustration but maybe she can still take part in planning the hen etc, although she may not be able to go abroad herself. If she does get pregnant and is due around the wedding she may very well offer to step down as CBM anyway. The upshot is that whenever she does get pregnant you will have many months to work out a plan B.

and people accept jobs and get pregnant all the time - it isn't an illness!

I understand your frustraitions but I think your trying to control something which is impossible and causing unessasary angst to all concerned.

I have two pregnant bridesmaids. One will be 6-7 mths the other just 3 (so still a secret) I have concerns about them being tired or morning sick on the day - but the concern is for them feeling bad not for myself. The only job I actually expect of my bridesmaids is to walk in with me and to help me get to the loo - the rest is about sharing my day.

I also have one bridesmaid who was moving to india for a year with work. It never occured to me to be offended that she had to leave the week before my wedding, we have made her a fabric bouquet and are setting up skype instead - life does sometimes not fit to a neat schedule. Instead working around these things.

My hen do will be a day event (insidently arranged by my CBM who is out of the country working till 2 weeks before my wedding so doing it all by Internet) This means all can be involved without feeling pressured by health concerns or tiredness of an evening out. I would never dream of insisting people go abroad for financial reasons let alone pregancy ones. Im surprised that going abroad means more to you than having your best mate share that time with you. Id just go round my friends house for a take away if it meant all my girls could be together.

My bridesmaid who is furthest on will be due two weeks before my CBM's wedding where she will also be bridesmaid. There has been no question of anyone feeling upset or let down, we are all overjoyed that these happy events keep occurring. Im sure on that day if she cannot be at my CBM's wedding then skype will come back into use.

But for now you have no idea what the future holds. Ive been trying to have a baby for a year now and still nothing, while my sister got preg 3 days after stopping contraception. People cannot predict these things. Do nothing except Be excited and supportive for her. Then if and when she gets pregnant you can see how she progresses. You may find that the way she feels about the situation changes with time. Its an emotional time for both of you, but nothing is worth falling out over and a baby and a wedding should only be times for joy.

You also have to consider here that at 34, your chances of getting pregnant quickly are getting lower. As im likely to be trying for my first at 35ish, I would not take kindly to someone asking me to pause trying for 6/9 months for a wedding.

That and she might not want that much of an age gap with her current child.

Just chill and forget about it for the moment, start organising your hen at 6 months to go, then if shes preggers by then, you can work around it. If not, she can probs come on your hen.

Im sure your best friend wont want to miss these occasions for you, so stop stressing!

My cbm has just asked me to be here's next May, and she knows that we are trying, her response if your sick on me who gives one your my best mate and I'll carry you down the aisle with me if I need to and oooo I may have a flower girl or page boy.

Were best fiends and thats what they do for each other! Both life changing events that we both want to be part off.

If one of my bm's had been pregnant I would of been over the moon as I would of been becoming a godmother lol.

Hmmm, My sister-in-law to be is getting married July 2013 & we've been trying for our 2nd baby for the last few months. Shes asked me to be a bridesmaid & I am actually concidering putting plans on hold if I dont fall pregnant in the next 4/5 months as 1, I dont really want to be heavily pregnant on her day as my dress will not fit a bump!! & 2, Iv never been a bridesmaid before so Im really excited as it is and dont want to miss out on the fun..

I am getting married the year after & my 'sister-in-law' will no doubt be heavily pregnant for my wedding (shes my bridesmaid too) as they are planning on ttc after their honeymoon. I wasnt keen at first but at the end of the day I would rather have her apart of my wedding, bump & all.

I personally think It is unfair to have someone put their life plans on hold for the sake of a day (even if its your BIG day) especially your best friend.. Theres plenty of ways to work around it and as long as shes not due around your actual wedding, things can still go pretty smoothly. Can you not go abroad with the other girls & then have a spa day etc afterwards with your friend/parents etc. Get them all ready for your day! As long as shes still doing her job & been a great Cheif I think you should just be happy for her, Im sure shes not intended to spoil your plans x

Don't be mad at her for a start, the creating of her family is far more important to her than your wedding and rightly so! She's probably thinking of her 3 year old, that she doesn't want a big age gap, or doesn't want to wait til the other child is older then start over with a baby again etc. you can't expect her to put her family on hold so she can be your bridesmaid. If I was you is wait to see if and when she gets pregnant. If a pregnancy is going to clash with wedding an hen plans then don't sack her as CBM, she is your best mate after all, but appoint a co-CBM. Have the two of them to walk on the appropriate CbM position down the aisle but have the one who has helped you with plans (assuming your best mate wouldn't be able to) at the top table.

Most annoying comment ever but it's spelt chief!

Sorry, I have a reputation at work for being the spelling and grammer police... ?

WSS with bells on. Chill Winston! It might not even be a problem, as she's not pregnant yet.