Church wedding or Civil Ceremony at Venue?

There was a rather heated thread about this topic last week....I'll try to dig it out.

In my cabbage, it shouldn't be a matter of cost or logistics. I could not get married in a church and make promises to a god I don't believe in - my marriage vows would have been meaningless. So we chose a civil ceremony. It was the first decision we made, and it was the easiest (in fact, we didn't even discuss it).

If you feel that you believe in the Christian god (I'm assuming it's a Christian church) and that it is important to your marriage that this god is involved, then so be it. In which case though, it should seem obvious to you that a civil ceremony just won't cut it?

Completely agree with FTLOMB! I think you need to put budget aside (we too are on a tight one) and work out which ceremony is for you- ignore for the time being logistics, accommodation, receptions etc. The ceremony is without a doubt the singularly most important part of the day so must be decided upon for the correct reasons. If in your heart of hearts you want a church ceremony, go for it- clever planning can get you the other things within your budget. If the blessing of the church isn't of significance to you then you're probably better going with a civil ceremony. 10% of our budget is on the church ceremony and I've had to do slot of bargain hunting to go the whole shebang with everything else but it's certainly doable and fun too! Xx

Let me try and remember my response to the same thread last week....

"Yea why not, get married in a pretty building and make your vows to a God you don't believe in. It wont lessen their value or anything."

Ahem. As you were.

Its kind of a difference between me and my partner. I am religeous and was brought up going to church every sunday by H2B isnt religeous... hence there is a problem. I have always thought to have a civil ceremony because of by H2Bs beliefs....

Not really religious comes in so many different flavours - you sound like the church is important to you, but you're torn by the relative costs.

Transport does not have to be expensive - my SIL just used her parents' car to get to her wedding, I walked as everything was about 100 yards apart, another bride I knew (and my dad/stepmum thinking about it) just used black cabs. Travelling from church to reception isn't that hard (speaking as a guest here - and its perfectly acceptable for the guests to make their own way to/from the venue).

If you're looking a civil ceremony at a venue, remember the registrar charges for coming to you, especially on a weekend/bank holiday - the church cost is up front. You don't necessarily need flowers in the church either - I didn't bother as the place was so big any sensible budget would be a bit half-hearted.

Have a look at the ceremony on the CofE your church wedding website - and compare it with the civil ceremony - that should help you see which ceremony is more appropriate for you.

Might be worth having a chat with the vicar as well - they should be fairly approachable - and would probably welcome you being open and honest about your feelings/doubts either way.

Oh sorry, must have mis read this bit.

If he hasn't been christened then many Churches wont allow him to marry there. As an atheist I would also not feel comfortable marrying in a church just to please my partner. Our local parish church is beautiful, in the grounds of a castle, really pretty. We could have married there- I was christened as a baby ? (but thats a whole other thread) but I couldn't bring myself to do it as for me religion is not something I want involved in my wedding day.

If you are religious then surely your choice is a no-brainer? You would want to marry in a church with your Gods blessing? If your OH is not then its something that you need to sort between you. I dont see how cost can come into it.

Hmm tricky. I'm usually fairly outspoken against people who have no belief in the Christian God marrying in church, but your situation is different. I presume you retain the beliefs of your childhood and want your marriage blessed by God? Can you maybe look at the C of E ceremony with your OH and compare to the civil service. See how he would feel saying vows he didn't believe in, compared to you not having the ceremony you want?

Maybe the ideal would be for you to have a civil service, followed by a church blessing? Would mean finding a venue near your church, which may mean a big compromise, but in my cabbage, the vows and ceremony are THE one huge important thing above all others on your wedding day, and for me would override any preferences of venue for reasons of food, scenery, capacity and cost.

Also I completely agree with Randomsabreur. Get an appointment with the vicar and have a chat with him. You and your H may be surprised how inclusive and welcoming the church can be when couples have differing beliefs. It may make your OH comfortable with the church wedding, or it may sway you both towards a civil service.

I think you need to take the cost issue out of this equation. If you are religious and want to get married in a church then do it. But really I think this is an issue you need to decide between you and your partner.

Also, for its worth, contrary to what Mini said I know a few people that have married in churches without being christened. (These were couples in a similar circumstance to you in that one of them was religious and the other not)

In my opinion (which others may agree or disagree with!), you're either religious or you aren't. If you are, they go all out for the church wedding. If you're not, then go for a civil ceremony. A wedding ceremony isn't any less of a ceremony by not marrying in church. Just because your parent's are religious doesn't mean you have to go down the church wedding route - plus you'd more than likely be required to have been christened & attend church. Don't base your ceremony on it's cost. For me, it's whether you feel that your religious calling is to marry in church in front of god (so to speak).

Why do you feel you'd regret a civil ceremony? You can add personal touches, readings, etc, to a civil ceremony to make it more personal.

I have strong views about religion that would be best kept to myself.

However, I am pro-marriage and we are having a humanist ceremony. We will, with our celebrant's help, write the entire ceremony start to finish. We will include such things as 'promises', '5 reasons why I love you', a song we will all sing together, rings, readings, the celebrant will talk everyone through 'our story'. It will be romantic and heartfelt, with some humour. The further we go down this road the more I wonder why everyone doesn't do it!!

I was at a marriage preparation course last weekend. I was told it wasn't religious but it was. We were the only non-church couple there. Most couples weren't very committed to the course and were there because it was the only way the priest would allow his building to be used. Blinkin' hypocrites. Another religious farce.

I have to say a marriage preparation course would be my idea of hell. What was it like?

We were incensed and amused in equal measure. We're perfectly suited, that much is clear, but it was NOT what I wanted or expected.

oooh interesting.....

tell us more

Im getting married in a church as recently I decided to attended church to decided what my believes are.. After 4 months began to believe and decided I wanted to be christened. I then chose to get married in church, now I'm not one these who deeply believe but I believe enough to think I have every right to marry in a church and have my wedding blessed by god. Some people may say that's stupid and I should be religious but if that's the case how comes anyone can be married in a church regardless of there believes? I'm not sure on the price difference of a church wedding as I wouldn't have looked into a registry office. My parents, there parents and there parents parents were all married at this church so I would have still got married there as it was in the family and what they also would have wanted. My mother used to do bell ringing there and I used to go Sunday services until I started work and it became a little harder. Apart from that I hope this helps! x

But surely because you have decided to attend church, decided as an adult that you believe, and have made a decision yourself to be christened, you ARE religious (ugh I hate that as a descriptive term for a person). So why would anyone say it was stupid? Surely the only reasonable criterion to marry in church/temple/mosque should be that you believe in the god that is worshipped there, and fully believe in the vows that you are making? So of course you have the right (moral as well as legal).

I think it is very sad for the Church of England that, as state religion, they have to marry any non divorced heterosexual couple in their parish, even when the presiding vicar knows, or has a fair idea that the couple don't believe the vows they are making. I suppose there is the hope that it will bring more couples to the church, but even so, the higher demand for pretty churches and lower for modern, more ugly buildings must be grating.

It's good PR and they need the money. What I find sad is that anyone would want to make vows that are meaningless to them, and those vows being religious makes it doubly worse, in my book.

Agree totally Kentishgal!