Church weddings & non-believers

I think a more serious issue than where you plan to get married is your future life together and children- if your OH refuses to get married in a church, he probably wouldn't want your children to be raised with religion either, and it's a big issue that you'll need to iron out.

As for getting married, I would say you need to get married in a place that the two of you both feel comfortable with. As he is definitely not comfortable getting married in a church, they're out. My OH believes in god but isn't actually religious, and I'm an atheist. Getting married in a church to me would be hypocritical, as the service would be talking about being married in god's eyes, etc, and to me that just means nothing. I would much rather our service be about the two of us instead of some other power that I don't even believe in. OH understands this, and so we're having a civil ceremony.

I have to say that if he were religious to the point of needing to get married in a church and raise our children in the church, we wouldn't be getting married. I know this is a strong this to say, but knowing that we disagreed on something so fundemental would be too difficult.

That being said, OH's mum is a devout catholic and his dad is a non-believer, and since the mum agreed not to take the children to church until they were old enough to make the decision for themselves, that marriage worked perfectly well.

Ugh, my asnwers always get so long and convoluted. Sorry bout that! Basically, I think the two of you need to BOTH be happy with the location you get married. I hope I'm not biased because I'm on the same side of the fence as your OH.

Coming from a non-believer-and-and-never-has-believed I think there are a couple of things to address. The first is that you don't have to label yourself a believer or a non-believer, it's ok to be somewhere in between.

Now we aren't marrying in a church, because neither of us are religious, but also because there isn't a church that means anything to any of our family members. You have a church (let's call a building and leave religion out) that means something to you. This building holds memories for you and previous generations of your family. The building is also beautiful, and you feel a sense of belonging to the building.

If my partner felt that way about a building, I would at least be open-minded. You must also remember plenty of people marry in a church who aren't religious at all! Maybe you could ask him to just consider your feelings too when making decisions. After all you are getting married!

However, what I will say is that if you believe in God, whether you marry in a church or not I am sure he will be with you where ever you say your vows. So bear that in mind if your partner does stand firm and you go for a civil ceremony.

You have to talk to him and properly explain how you feel. Do you regularly attend church without him or is this just for the wedding? This really can cause problems if you go on to have children and it's much easier to sort these things out before you're married. He will always have his own opinion on these matters but he has to understand how important this is to you. If he's still dead against getting married in a church then maybe he can compromise and you can have a blessing after the wedding?

You say you cant talk to him, but you need to talk to him. Its such an inportant issue, you cant just ignore it.

My OH and I are both Christians, and to not get married in a church in front of God, would not be an option. On the other hand when I met my OH i was not a Christian, however I respected his beliefs, and would have got married in a church, and was prepared to bring my children up in the church, going to church with him, as I was already doing. But then I had a similar experience to you, and became a Christian.

I believe you can be a successful partnership with one a Christian and one not, however, you do have to have the same fundemental moral beliefs I think. And if you want to go to church etc regularly then your husband will need to support that - will he?

I'm not sure I'm beingmuch help, but the main thing is that you need to tell him how much this means to you. xx

You absolutely need to talk to your partner about this. He has to be aware of your views as much as you have to be aware of his. If he is adamant that he will not get married in a church then you have to come up with a compromise. How about having a civil ceremony and a blessing? As another poster said, god will be with you wherever you get married.

It is important you share your views as this might effect how your children are bought up too, as others have said.

Ok I'm not sure if this will help much but here is mine.

My husband is agnostic (that means he isn't sure either way), I am a Christian. This could have caused problems, but it didn't, mainly because OH (although some may say it was hypocrytical) wanted to marry in a church anyway, as he had been to register office services and hated them. It has worked for us we have been married for 16 years this year, I go to church every sunday with the boys. The eldest has been confirmed - he asked for that. OH fully supported this, all the boys have been "christened" and when DS1 wanted to get confirmed, OH came along too to support him. It can work, it really depends on how set your h2b is against a church wedding. I would talk to him, maybe just explain that you understand he doesn't like church services because of xxx, however, would he consider looking at xxx church as it has a family tradition (dont play on the religion angle) and it is a lovely building etc?

It may not work, but you do really need to talk with him, you BOTH need to be happy with where you get married. Also, if he is dead set against a church wedding, could you suggest that you have the civil ceremony and at a later date (or later time same day?) have a church blessing? Talk to him though, it needs to be a joint decision

Mrs S to be, that's a beautiful post, and I fully empathise with you - I also turned my back on God and religion for a long time until in my late teens I had a moment like yours, then drifted away again and had a "reminder moment" about 9yrs ago now. Anyway, I digress....

You do need to talk to your OH, and see if there is any way of compromising. A blessing may be acceptable to him, but would it be to you, since it wouldn't be the actual wedding.

One thing that jumps out at me from this post though, is that he "won't marry in the presence of the Lord". Really? Hmmm. Christians believe that God is omnipresent. Personally I feel closer to Him when walking in the hills and mountains than when in a building, and I know I'm not the only one. So how can he NOT marry in God's presence? His counter argument will of course be that if God is everywhere, he will also be in a civil venue, which was how I had to console myself when I was refused a Church wedding first time round (I married a divorced man).

Hope you come to some compromise, please keep us posted

Thanks all for your help. It's so refreshing to be able to come here and talk openly about my experiences and feelings without being criticised like I was on some other sites I've been on.

Indeed the church is a beautiful building, and the main significance is the role it has played in many family weddings. I do regard myself as a Christian, but I pray every morning and every night at home, in my head. I believe God can hear me, I do not need to speak my words aloud to be heard.

As far as my OH goes, I think I am going to have to express my feelings a little more and just how much the church means to me. He keeps talking about civil ceremony venues and how we will just have to keep saving, he also makes it crystal clear that he won't marry in a church if he doesn't believe. I can understand and respect his morals here, but I think he needs to take the sentimental value of the church to me into consideration as well, which is perhaps what has upset me most.

Well, I'm going to have another chat tonight. I have calmed down my emotions, rationalised my thoughts and summarised my views, so hopefully tonight will be more constructive rather than us both treading on one another's toes.

Thanks peeps!

MrsStobe13 x

MrsH to be, do you know me or something? That is PRECISELY why I wanted the Humanist-type blessing, I felt nearer him outside than in! For me I feel captivated most of all by the ocean, but there's not much of that with a blue colour here in Bristol!

For me personally, indeed no a blessing wouldn't be the ultimate. The one thing that drives me up the wall with civil ceremonies is the office type chairs and the patterned carpet. For what you pay, the ones most of us could afford lack the warmth and decor of a church. Indeed, technically we will be in God's presence wherever we are, but I'm very upset that I can't acknowledge him in my wedding- I don't see a blessing really makes up for it but that's just my opinion.

MrsStobe13 x

I believe you can be a successful partnership with one a Christian and one not, however, you do have to have the same fundemental moral beliefs I think.

Thats quite a generalisation about civil ceremonies! I got married in a barn decorated with fairy lights and it was beautiful. Not a patterned carpet in sight! And it wasn't too expensive.

lady_laura_lou sorry to cause offence, venues like such are certainly hard to come by! Certainly most of those here in Bristol have that "office" feel. We do have one outdoor venue, but it's certain;y out of our price range!

MrsStobe13 x

You really need to talk to him. This is more than just about religion. This church has special meaning and marrying there would be carrying on a family tradition. You need to tell him this. Or show him your original post on here.