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kyanya
Beginner June 2013

Church weddings - what's your connection to your chuch? And how far's your reception venue from your church?

kyanya, 21 May, 2012 at 16:25

Posted on Planning 34

We're in the process of planning our wedding, which was originally going to be a civil ceremony as I'm not particularly religious and my parents have supported my decision to not get married in a church. However, we've been to see a few venues that offer civil ceremony weddings, and we've seen one...

We're in the process of planning our wedding, which was originally going to be a civil ceremony as I'm not particularly religious and my parents have supported my decision to not get married in a church. However, we've been to see a few venues that offer civil ceremony weddings, and we've seen one that we both like a lot, but as time passes by H2B is increasingly thinking that a civil ceremony doesn't feel right for him. He isn't a regular church-goer but he was brought up in the church - he went to church school and was baptised, and he always assumed he would marry in church. I was also brought up as CofE - christened, going to church occassionally with my parents as a child, and church weddings are traditional in my family.

So we're now on a hunt for a church - probably CoE, although H2B is technically Catholic, but we've been living together for over a year which I know isn't Catholic practice. But the problem is we've done our venue-finding a bit backwards now by already finding our reception venue before deciding on our church! I thought our reception venue was in the perfect location - halfway between our childhood homes, where our families still live, so on mutual territory if you like. However, from a church point of view, we have no connection with the parish that the nearest church is in, nor any of the nearby parishes. But we both REALLY like this reception venue, it ticks all the boxes for us (apart from being a church!) so we want to stick with it for the reception.

So I'm wondering what connection all of you church brides had to your church? Is there any way we could having a church wedding at a nearby church to our reception in May/June next year, which is what we were planning, despite currently having no connection to the church?

I rang a vicar for the first time earlier today - his church is a lovely one in a park nearby my first family home. We used to go walking in the park each day with the dog when we lived there, and mum always imagined me getting married there because it's so pretty and was a landmark in our daily lives. It's about 20mins by car from the reception venue - both are just off the M4, about 20 miles apart. Unfortunately we lived just outside the parish of this church, so apparently we can't get married in this church, as we don't have any of the other connections with the parish. The vicar didn't mention us going to regular services to form a connection with the church, and I'd forgotten about this while I was on the phone. would this mean this church doesn't offer this option?

All the churches we do have connections with are at least half an hour away from the wedding venue - is this too much? Lots of our guests aren't local, so realistically this will mean at least an hour of travelling for them on the day - 30 mins from their accommodation near the reception venue to the church, and then 30 mins back to the reception venue for the 'do'. Is this too much? Thinking about it, this is exactly what we're doing for an old colleague's wedding in July - travelling down to Cornwall on Friday to our hotel near the reception venue, then travelling 30 mins to the church on the saturday, before doing the reverse trip back to the reception, and then driving back to near London the next day. I don't mind at all - I have fond memories of Cornwall, it's a lovely area and I'm happy to be going back to the area to share in her special day. But can I guarantee my guests would also find a 30min trip fine?!

Sorry for this brain explosion - I just don't know what the answer is! Any insight most gratefully received ?

34 replies

  • kyanya
    Beginner June 2013
    kyanya ·
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    Hi Rachel, thanks for this useful info. Can I ask how you booked? Was it in person or on the phone? I ask because I was quite nervous of phoning any church to make the first enquiries about a wedding but I told myself I was being silly, bit the bullet and rang, only to be told there's no way that church could help us with our wedding. As it turns out, I'm not 100% sure this is the church for us anyway (it's pretty small as churches go, and I don't think there'd be space for all our guests!) so I don't think I will be phoning back as Seaweed suggested (no date set for the wedding BTW but we'd like spring/summer next year). However, before I start looking at other churches, I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by making an initial enquiry over the phone. Perhaps it'd be better to go to a service first and then introduce ourselves to the vicar at the end and ask about weddings?

    Saisi, I suggested a blessing to OH, as a few people have suggested it to me already. However, he definitely feels it should be in a church and I'm not bothered either way - personally I don't feel the need for religion to be part of my wedding day, but my vows will mean just as much to me whether I say them in or out of church, so I'm happy to go along with his idea, even if it does take a little more organising!

    Sarah, thank for the information, it's good to know it has been possible for couples to get married in a church where they don't have one of the 7 connections. I think we're going to go down the route of making a connection to a church by attending services though, but it's definitely worth knowing that the bishop might be able to help out if needed.

    kirsta, we're now in Farnborough, but I grew up in Uxbridge and OH is from Reading. Are you in this area too? We've been to Monkey Island a couple of times now and it never seems particularly busy, but it is so close to Dorney Lake that I'm sure you're right.

    cherry_cola, welcome to hitched, although I've not been out of lurking for too long myself! It's good to hear that your engagement has rekindled your religion in a sense - I can imagine something similar happening to me if we found a church that welcomes us. I always feel a little bit different when I go to church - the feelings hard to explain but it's definitely a good thing! I wasn't brought up to go to church every sunday though so I just never have!

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  • R
    Beginner June 2012
    Randomsabreur ·
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    I don't think you have to be "properly" religious to get married in church. My school was nominally CofE so we had assembly every morning. I dabbled in christianity for a bit as a teenager, but never found the right church. Not baptised, so assumed I would be getting married somewhere other than a church. OH was brought up religious, fell out with God (his words) but assumed he'd be getting married in church.

    When we got to the point of getting married, it became clear that a church wedding was important to him, and I was fine with it so long as I didn't have to get baptised (which at that point would have been lying to God) so we looked into it. I was always intending to go to church in the run up to the wedding, and as we (or at least my OH) needed to go as regularly as possible - I got into the habit of going, and it became less of a chore and more something I look forward to. Eventually, I enquired with the priest in charge about getting baptised, and I'm now due to get baptised the week before the wedding. Through the baptism class, we've got to know the Priest in Charge (CofE- parish in process of reorganisation) pretty well, and have been known to find ourselves down the pub until all hours with him. Means the sermon will be "interesting" - he's already said his aims are to outshine the bride with the cope, and outdo the best man on the speech!

    If I'd've been getting married in my parish church I doubt I'd've been quite so keen on getting baptised - the church was in an interregnum when we started looking at venues, and the priest in charge where we are getting married is unusually good - fantastic speaker and very good at making the standard words of the communion service feel fresh and meaningful every week. Many other vicars seem to drone and just be going through the motions.

    The options we had were banns (through regular attendance) or Superintendant Registrar's licence (stay in parish for 8 days then declare intention to marry as with civil wedding). Vicars aren't obliged to marry you with a Superintendant Registrar's Licence, but some will - depends on need for money in parish/attitude of vicar (some a fussier than others). There's also an archbishop's licence, usually used for churches that don't have a parish (e.g. Oxbridge colleges). Both of these cost more than Banns.

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  • B
    Beginner July 2013
    Bride to be Becky from Derbyshire ·
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    I dont think 30 mins each way is far to travel. If your guests are true friends and family they will travel to see you get married. Me and OH traveled to germany last year to see friends get married. xxx

    Were getting married in a church 20mins away from our home address but we have people coming from Germany , Australia manchester all over as we are only inviting people who are truley special within our lifes. xx

    Best of luck and remember its your day not everyone elses !! xx

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