Dad refusing to attend wedding if Mum is invited

What an awful position he has put you in! I would have hoped he would have put his issues aside for your day. Do you really think he wouldn't go if your mum was going??

I'm sorry you are having this crap to deal with but if I were in your shoes I would absolutely tell my dad to do one and if he doesn't come then that's up to him, he will regret it. Your day can't mean that much to him to set an ultimatum like that. I'm angry for you.

This is of course assuming you want your mum there.

Id be asking who the hell does he think he is telling you who you can and cant have at your own wedding.

I cant believe he would put such an ultimatum in the mix of your wedding planning, as far as telling you he wont come if you mum comes... id be thinking 'gee i really want you at my wedding now'

I dont know what kind of relationship you have with him but i genuinely feel angry for you, id be telling him to grow up and to see his daughter get married is more important than any quarrel with your mum.

Sorry but I would invite my Mum. His choice not to go. Why would you not do it if he wasn't there and how does he know this to even give you this ultimatum.

This!

My mum and dad got divorced 22 years ago, they never speak and my step mum can't stand my mum but non of them would ever say this. It is only for one day, they don't need to speak to each other.

DW touches on a valid point, if you dad doesn't come that is his choice not to, don't take away your mums choice to come to your wedding.

What an incredibly manipulative thing to do. I know you don't want to upset him but I would be telling him to jog on. How old are your siblings? Is it an option to invite them seperatly to your Father?

You need some stern words with him in my opinion. I hope you manage to get it sorted x

Absolutely this!!

This!

I'm sorry but he's not thinking about you at all here so why should you think about him?

I'm not surprised. You are essentially going to tell her that you are choosing your Dad over her, for one of the most important events of your life.

Now, if there is acrimony, old feuds, something you're not telling us, then it might change my opinion. But it would really have to be along the lines of "My Mum ran off with my Dad's brother and left us all penniless and hasn't me for ten years" before I started to think that your Dad might have a point.

I agree with everyone else. Its your dad that's is being a prat about it all, surely if he cant be adult enough to be in the same room as your mum then he's the one who should miss out? Its not your mum causing trouble so why should she not come?

I cant for the lifel of me understand why some parents are so childish?? Mine are divorced and behaved perfectly amicably and civily the whole day!

I can't believe your dad! What a horrible situation to put you in. I'm with the others in afraid, call his bluff and invite your mum. If he doesn't attend because she is there, then as upsetting as it might be, he can't think that much of you. It's his daughters wedding, what man would want to miss it?

big hugs for you cos you must be feeling awful!

xx

I agree with the others. Unless there is something you've not explained about the situation then I would invite both and leave the rest of the decisions regarding this up to them and move on to the fun planning. I know it's hard but as someone with tricky family situations on both sides too, I always think life is easier if I ignore /dont get sucked into the politics. By not inviting your mum you are then also unintentionally getting involved in the drama IMO. Hope this resolves quickly as sounds v stressful and unfair. Hugs and keep us updated!

Surely he should grow up and put whatever bad feelings he has for your mum behind him just for one day, as they both should have the right to attend their own daughters wedding?!

Sorry if that seems nasty, my Mum has re-married twice, I have nothing to do with my real dad (doesn't even know i'm engaged) and I don't like her current husband, but I am still swallowing my pride and inviting him because he is my bridesmaids dad (my little sister). So I feel he should be there to see his little girl as my bridesmaid. If I can do that at I'm sure your dad can grow up a little and be happy for his daughter, instead of telling you who you can and can't invite.

I really didnt want to bore you with my whole life story, but my Mum has never been there for me!

She left my Dad when I was 12 and told me to stay with him. We had to get court orders for her to pay child support for me and my younger brother and we ended up moving an hour away when my Dad remarried and i didnt see her or hear from her for about 5 years. She is only now starting to make more of an effort.

My Dad has always been there for me. My mum hasnt. So if it is a question of who would I like to have at my wedding? It would be my Dad.

Also, if I invite my Mum and my Dad doesnt show (he really wont be there, he is very stubborn) my whole family from my fathers side wont come either. Including my 9yo sister and 2yo brother.

So although angry, I have made the decision not to invite my Mum, but I just dont know how to tell her, when to tell her, get married without telling her???

Ugh!!! I really think once I've put this massive hurdle behind me I can concentrate on the wedding and actually get excited...

Good luck MM! That is v tricky. Do you think there's any chance your dad will change his mind if you hold out telling her? x

Honestly, in that case, think id be truthful with your mum. Let her know what your dad has said and that out of the two of them he has been there for you and ytoud prefer to have him at the wedding. If you havent spokn to your mum for 5 years, Im guessing you cant be that close

xx

Ok now i understand better, thats some major information to leave out at the beginning. However, i still think hes being a bit of an arse.

Sounds like he is hurt about the past, but thats what it is, the past and now your mother is making an effort with you and you sound like you would have invited her hadnt it been for this ultimatum.

My dad is a drunken mess who hasn't been there for me ever, never paid child support, total stinkin' douche, so i do understand why you would pick your dad if it came down to it! But the truth is it shouldn't have to and you shouldnt have been put in that position. Your not choosing sides, your trying to organise the most important day of your life with people who love you, no matter what way they show it, what they have done, significant people.

Im sorry but Your dad has been way out of line, and I even wonder why he would consider it such a big thing for your mum to be there, and risk not being with you on the most important day of your life. It seems kinda selfish, which is ironic given your mums history.

My mum hasnt given me any ultimatum about my dad being there, infact the opposite and ask if he would be on the top table. I haven't even invited him at all but then we havent spoken for over a year now at all since he chose the bottle over rehab and me.

I really don't think so! He is a very selfish man when it comes to his pride and backing down is not something he would do...

I am the type of person who runs away from confrontation, so this is causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

^^^WSS

Your dad has moved on, it's been over 10 years. Obviously I don't know what causedc the split but I think it is selfish for your dad to behave like this.

You say that you're not close to either of them so why will you not get married without your dad there but you will without your mum?

My Dad is the one who was my parent through my teens until i left when I was 18.

They live in Germany and I have lived over here for 7 years now and speak to both of them maybe once a month, so I am not very close to either of them.

But if my Dad comes, his whole family including my 9yo sister (who is supposed to be a bridesmaid) will be there, too.

?

You invite everyone YOU want there. Then if others choose not to come because of this then that is up to them. Unless you don't want your Mum to go for other reasons apart from you Dad.

Although not exactly the same. my mum would never say i wont come if your dad does. i know she would stress and worry about it therefore i would worry about her on the way upto and during the day. i did nt mention the wedding to my dad but that caused stress with what others could and could nt say. i found as soon as i told him there would be no invite i felt much better andnlooking forward to the wedding. i decided to write a letter to tell him as it meant he could calmly read my reasoning without a upsetting confrontation. i do not think he feelsthat this is fair or that he has ever done anyhing to justify this but i am happy in my decision.

hope this helps and good luck

Does your dad need to know your mum is going? Could you just keep it quiet until he turns up on the day. I dont really see why its any of his business to know who's going, especially if he doesnt live any where near you so wont be actively helping you plan the whole wedding.

Sorry, saw your additional info late. I can understand a bit better now.

Just an awful situation to be put in.

Given what you've explained, I would have your Dad there, but also invite your Mum maybe to the ceremony only. Explain to her exactly why she is only invited to the ceremony, and that you are willing to let her see you get married, but not willing to jeopardise your relationship with your Dad. She is building bridges, so are you, but it takes time. And no point rushing for your wedding. If you asks her to respect that, sit with other guests or at the back, and not engage with your father, then maybe everyone can be, if not happy, then satisfied.

Good luck with that decision I feel very bad for you..If it was me I would invite them both and if your dad takes away the opportunity for your brother&sister not to attend then that's his doing.. If your mum is making the effort now then if you do not invite her then she might not bother to try anymore...

Will you have regrets about not inviting you mum?

If you want her there, invite her. But tell her the truth of the situation. If your dad doesn't mention it further, say nothing. If he asks outright, lie outright and say 'as far as I know, she isn't coming'. This will avoid any complications or him stropping with you. Or give him an ultimatum right back - 'if you love me then you will accept my decision to invite my mum. If you can't accept it then don't come.'

What's he going to do on the day, suddenly stop halfway down the aisle with you if he catches a glimpse of her? Doubt it. He won't even notice. He is being a baby and needs to grow up - this day is about you, not him and his issues with his ex. If you can forgive her for whatever errors she's made, and you want her to be there, then this is something he needs to accept.

Maybe print out and show him this thread so he can see how selfish he is being!

Invite who you want, and let them decide what to do. if they want to act like children and not come and enjoy you day in the spirit of happiness, you are better off without the offending "adults" not attending

DO NOT let them play mind games with you. Just hold your ground, say and do what you want, and if they cant fall into line, it is their problem, and themselves alone that will shoulder the guilt for their pettiness for the years to come

Remember it's your day, don't let anyone take that away.

Do not let him put you in this position. If you want your mum there yu tell them both that they areboth invited and you would love it for them both to attend.

If he cares at all, he will come. I had the same, both parents were thereon the day as neither wanted to miss it. Sorry to be harsh, but he obviously doesn't give two squats about you if he will put his emotion before you on your own wedding day!

Even with the additional info I still think he's afting like a petulant child