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Difficult Guest - Need advice please

LuxuriousPinkDiamonds68696, 9 February, 2020 at 18:10 Posted on Planning 0 1

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Hi,

My fiance and I are getting married in under 10 weeks.

My best friend from school has always been a bit emotionally unstable. Going from constantly messaging, multiple times a minute to cutting me completely from her life for months at a time. Recently (just after we wrote the wedding invites) she has broken up with her boyfriend of 10 years, then found out she was pregnant so they got back together, only to split again the following week. We altered her wedding invite to include a plus one instead of her boyfriends name, thinking she'd probably bring her Mum or a work colleague. She then had a miscarriage and joined Tinder and has been asking just about every guy she speaks to to join her as her +1. The most recent guy she's speaking to is almost 10 years older than her, and from the screenshots of his messages & the little she has told me, something doesn't seem quite right about him. My fiance & I aren't really comfortable forking out almost £200 for this man, who we haven't met and know very little about, to come to our wedding. We were already unsure how to broach the subject of her wanting to bring him but figured we might be better waiting until she actually confirms that he is the person she wishes to bring. It is worth noting that when she received her invite, not only did she ask for a +1, but we had said we thought it would be nice for her to have someone with her who could either drive (as she doesn't and our venue is in the middle of the countryside) or who could split the cost of a taxi with, such as a family member, work colleague or other close friend.

A couple of days ago she sent me some pictures of dresses she was thinking of wearing to the wedding. I told her they looked nice but were the same colour and almost identical style to my Mum's outfit. She didn't seem to think that this was a problem and said that "it's [her] choice what [she'd] like to wear at the end of the day" and she basically made me feel like I was being unreasonable asking her not to wear something that matched my Mum so closely. (Note that this is the first item of clothing my Mum has purchased for herself in over 10 years and I don't feel it's fair that she should have to change). My friend also said that she had picked a dress in her favourite colour and she won't wear anything else and that if I asked her to change I'd be sending her back to square one with choosing an outfit which is really hard for her. She is constantly sending me pictures of outfits with messages saying "Opinion", "thoughts", etc (literally 1 or 2 words) when I'm working. My Maid of Honour (who is also close to this girl) said that she could deal with her but this friend refuses to talk to anyone other than me about the wedding. I try to give her my opinion when she asks for it but then she tells me she wasn't asking my opinion. She posted her original choice of outfits on her Facebook page asking for opinions, she then posted alternatives with the words "can't have purple apparently" after I politely asked her not to wear the purple, though I am worried she will wear the ones I said no to on the day anyway.

She is the kind of person that posts 20+ Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat & Twitter updates every day and is constantly on her phone, even when she invites you over or she comes round ours for dinner. So we are also worried that she will basically post our wedding for the world to see. Other friends we have coming that spend a lot of time on social media have all stated (without us mentioning it) that they won't be posting anything on the day and will request permission the following day before uploading.

My friend has only ever been to one wedding, when she was 10 (she's now 28) so I thought if I found a few articles about wedding etiquette/what to expect sort of thing she might not pester me so much or would understand that I am not being unreasonable (though maybe I am???) but instead she told me that I'm mocking her and she doesn't need to pretend to be something she's not by reading the articles. She stated that "Main thing is attending and seeing my best friend enjoy her special day. I have no other part to play". Her comments made me feel like she was angry at not being in the bridal party, but at the time I got engaged she wasn't talking to me at all and only got back in contact when she heard on the grapevine that I was engaged.

So basically what I want to know is:

1) Am I being a total ***/Bridezilla about this?

2) Should I allow her to bring this guy? If not, how do I tell her no?

3) Should I let her wear the same outfit as my Mum? Or do I make my Mum change her outfit?

4) How do we deal with the social media side of things?

Side note: I have stress induced medical problems that can lead to being in so much pain I can't walk so try to avoid conflict but this last week has been horrendous. I really don't know what to do so please, please do tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I just don't want to be painted as a *** when all I am asking for is to have my wishes respected for one day.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks in advance

Abi

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Latest activity by RomanticGreenStationery27135, 21 February, 2020 at 23:21

Dedicated September 2022 Merseyside
HappyPinkHair15172 · 21 February, 2020 at 22:50
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Hi Abi

First, deep breath!

This girl has deep insecurity issues. You have enough going on without being dragged further into them. If you can, politely explain that her plus one invite is for an established friend/date, and reassure her that there will be plenty of people for her to talk and socialise with if she attends alone.

You shouldn't be expected to fork out for a casual aquaintence under any circumstances. YOU are in control of your budget, no one else.

As for the outfit issue, so what? If she turns up wearing a similar outfit to your mother, then people will see that and it will only reflect badly on her. I am assuming here that your friend is a similar age to you, and that your Mum is a slightly older lady. Would you wear clothes aimed at older women? Probably not, so your friend may look slightly odd in a more mature outfit. You don't need to worry about her, she is making a noose for her own neck. You cannot control what people wear to your wedding. Their lack of tact and taste is a reflection of and on them. Your other guests will see this.

Social media - the bane of modern life! All you can do is reiterate the no-posting request, but there's not a lot you can do if she does post.

If I were in your position, I would be thinking very carefully about whether this is a friendship in it's truest sense, and if it is worth maintaining if all you seem to get from it is grief. I am 50 years old and have daughters in their mid and late 20s. If one of them came to me with this situation, and asked for my advice, I would be telling them to drop the "friendship", it's just too toxic to be worth it. Let her make the running, if she wants to resume the friendship, on a more equal and supportive footing, then fine, if not, then you have lost nothing except a load of hassle.

Hope this is helpful, I am sure there will be plenty of other opinions out there, too!

Kind regards

Ali
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VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 21 February, 2020 at 23:21
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Sending you a huge cyber hug for all the stress I'm going through. And here's my two pennyworth:

1) I don't think you are being a bridezilla - you're under a lot of stress and having to cope with your friend's stress on top of your own. She isn't being very reasonable, but you do need to bear in mind that a relationship breakup or a miscarriage is enough to shatter anyone, and she is dealing with both right now. She must be reeling from the loss of her relationship and the death of her baby, so it's not surprising that she is being so volatile.

2) In your place, I'd let her bring who she wants as a plus one. You were prepared to pay the £200 if she brought her mum or a friend, so it's not going to make any difference to your budget if she brings her new man instead. If I were sent an invite for a plus one, I'd assume I was free to bring anyone I wanted, so I don't think she is unreasonable to think it's ok to invite her date.

3) Let your mum keep her dress and let your friend wear what she wants - presumably your other guests aren't checking in with you before deciding what they wear, so there's always a risk someone could turn up with exactly the same dress as your mum anyway. It won't really matter. Your mum is going to be special on that day because she's the mother of the bride, not because of the dress she's wearing. And as the previous poster said, it's unlikely if your friend is around your age that she will end up wearing the same style as your mum, and if she does, she's probably going to look out of place.

4) I'd get someone to announce your social media preferences at the wedding and also have a sign up somewhere with it on. If she chooses to ignore that, then there isn't really anything you can do. I wouldn't send her any more wedding etiquette articles - the etiquette that really matters is mostly common sense and politeness anyway, and she's either going to get that or she isn't. Also, there is a risk that sending her advice articles may make her feel you're 'lecturing' her - sounds like she is very insecure atm and it won't take much to upset her.

And as the previous poster has said, when all this fuss has died down, you should rethink just how much of a 'friend' this girl is to you, and maybe look at setting some new boundaries. I've had to do this with the person who used to be my best friend - it's hard, and I'm not sure if the friendship will survive it, but I've decided that with some friendships, you either have to change them or lose them, because they can't carry on as they are!
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