Don’t love my engagement ring - help!

You said 'the ring is lovely' and 'it's a beautiful ring' yet at the same time you're upset that you might have to live with a ring 'forever' that you're not mad about.

I think you need to ask yourself WHY you are struggling so much with liking a ring that you say is beautiful. Are you concerned that it's not the valuable ring you were led to believe it is and you've been ripped off in some way? ('reputable firm', 'cost just shy of 5k' and 'should look bigger') Or are you worried because you feel your ring doesn't look as impressive as your friends? ('I constantly stare at other people's rings' and 'mine looks tiny compared to my friends rings') I think if you can work out why you are struggling so much to love a ring you admit is 'beautiful', you may be a way toward finding a solution.

I also think it would help not to compare what you have with other people. You might not have the other girl's ring, but she doesn't have your fiance! Instead of worrying about living 'forever' with a ring you don't like (and I know a lot of married women don't wear their engagement rings much after a few years of marriage anyway), concentrate on your 'forever' future with your fiance.

I hope you can overcome this and build a happy future together. Best wishes x

I would try to focus more on firstly the man you are marrying and secondly the effort he put in to try to find a ring you would like knowing that you would like to be able to show it off, and sounds like he’s really tried to give you something he thought you would love and has spent a lot of money on it. To me the most important thing about my engagement ring is that it means my OH wants to spend the rest of his life with me, not how much he spent on a diamond.

It’s just a ring!!!! Your fiancé who you say you love picked it so you should love it for that reason alone.

Thank you for replying. I hear everything you’re saying and I do agree with you for the most part. I also liked what you said about them not having my fiancé - I wouldn’t trade him for the world, he’s amazing and I love him to pieces.

I suppose the raw honest issue is I would have liked the diamond to be slightly bigger. I know, I know, cue the “spoilt princess” heckling, but that’s the truth. The setting is quite low too so it’s quite flat on my hand. I don’t feel I’ve been ripped off but looking at other sites and shops it doesn’t make sense. I know it’s the best cut that can be and boy does it sparkle so that can make the diamond look smaller (say it was a lesser cut, it might be wider and flatter but not sparkle as much but look bigger). I don’t know... it is lovely, I just feel the honest truth is I probably could have got shape I liked more for the same money and be happier with it. My fiancé isn’t prepared to change it and understandably got insulted when I very lightly tapped on the subject (I am aware this is delicate), so I think that’s the answer.

Perhaps when I have my wedding ring along side it I’ll feel better about it. Or I’ll learn to love it as it’s something I would always want to wear.. we’ll see. I do feel bad but maybe I just need to get on with it xx

Thanks again for your words xx

I know what you’re saying but it’s ‘just a ring’ I am meant to wear for the rest of my life that wasn’t cheap. If I spent so much money on something for someone I would want to make sure they’re happy with it.. it’s a very difficult situation and I hear what you’re saying xx

Thank you for this. I do agree with what you’re saying and he definitely put a lot of effort into getting me something he thought I would love. Maybe it’ll grow on me (although we have been engaged 3 months). It means the world that be asked me to be his wife and we’ve already got the wedding booked so maybe I do need to just change my mindset. I do honestly wish this didn’t bother me as much as it did xx

If you want to change your mindset, then I'd suggest

1) Stop looking at other people's rings immediately - and that includes browsing shop windows. Every time you find yourself tempted to google 'engagement rings', remind yourself you don't need to do that because you have a ring.

2) Every time you look at your ring, instead of trying to love it, tell yourself "this is a symbol of my fiance's love for me and his desire to spend the rest of our lives together'. That should gradually help shift your focus from the object to what it represents. Maybe try starting every day by looking at your ring while listing 3 things that you love about your fiance, so that you're linking the ring to positive thoughts about him.

Basically, you need to 'feed' the thoughts you want to have and 'starve' the ones you don't want. Every time you give in to 'I wish my ring were bigger' or 'if only I'd got something different' or 'just look at how pretty that ring is compared to mine' you are feeding your discontent about your ring. Every time you stamp on those thoughts and replace them with good thoughts about your life together, you are starving the negativity and 'feediing' the positive thoughts. We can't control what thoughts pop into our minds - but we can control whether or not we pay attention to those thoughts.

Thanks for your very helpful reply, I really appreciate it.

I am going to take your advice and the steps you have suggested.

I hate that I feel this way - I love him so much I couldn’t bare to hurt his feelings.

Thanks again for your kind words xxx

Honestly don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. You clearly are taking steps to feel better about it and letting it out in a safe space so you can get help to move past it is a great step. Honestly, I’m sure your well cut ring is more impactful than a slightly larger stone that isn’t cut well.

I’m sure you will love it soon. It might just be the shape eg ovals face up larger than rounds, rounds larger than cushions ect. Carat size is just weight. Stay away from the American forums btw just in case you are looking at those. Diamonds are a lot cheaper there, rings are more likely to be bought on credit, a lot of the stones are diamond equivalents and the ladies with the huge rocks have partners with incomes to match.

Thanks so much. I actually wrote in another (English) forum too as I didn’t see much movement on this and honestly some of the people were horrific, so much so I had to get my post taken down. I had a lot of support and great advice - but a lot of name calling, telling me how ungrateful and spoilt I am and that for a £5k ring I should be happy - I think the concept was lost on a lot of people that it wasn’t the price that was the issue, other than for that large amount of money surely I should have something I love. If he spent £200 but I adored it, the cost wouldn’t matter.

In the end I did a lot of research after a lot of good advice and realised it is in fact the setting. The stone is beautiful and so well cut - a proper sparkler - but the setting is too low to my finger and the band too thick. It’s not showing the diamond off in all its glory. I ended up sitting down with my fiancé and explaining how I felt (through lots of tears) and he completely understood and is in the process of arranging to go back to the jeweller to have it reset. He actually had a good look at the ring after and said he agrees the setting is very low and could be better and that he wants me to have a ring I am completely happy with. I have a good one here and I can’t wait to marry him.

I got myself so worked up because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and then the name calling on the other forum made me feel so much worse - I didn’t think my original post came across badly - I suppose some people just want an argument.

Thanks again to all of you who replied, you’ve been really helpful and I appreciate the ear...

All the best xxx

That's lovely news! I'm so pleased that you've been able to discuss this and come up with a solution that makes you both happy. It sounds as if you're both great at communicating, which is really key in having a happy marriage! Thank you for letting us know the end to your story (and I'm so sorry you had an unpleasant experience on another forum)

That’s so great!!! I’m so glad to hear it’s going to be reset in a style you like. You’re going to be wearing it forever so it’s not unreasonable that you want to like it. Make sure to post when it’s reset xxx

I have just had the same experience. the one thing I will say is mine is also platinum and that is one of the things that will put the price up. May I ask what shape your diamond is? mine is a 1 carat emerald cut and I don't think my fiancé paid quite as much as 5k for it. I look at it and think it's a pretty ring but it's not the ring of my dreams which I'm assuming is how you felt. I think because emerald cuts seem to have more dimension to them they can appear smaller in some angles. I've been comparing my ring to rings with a cushion cut, radiant cut for example and they look bigger. But he keeps saying he has no money because he's spent it all on the ring and it makes me feel so guilty but I'm also thinking I should be more in love with it than I am if he's spent too much money on it. he's bought a mined diamond but I told him to get a lab grown one as you cannot tell the difference even to a trained eye and they are half the price. and obviously you get more rock for your money but he's now gone and spent too much money on a ring which has a smaller diamond and I'm not in love with but I just don't feel like I could ever say anything. I too keep looking at it to try and fall in love with it but I can't

Hi.. its been a while since you post this but thank you, i feel the exact same way about my ring and I’m sad because my fiance rocks and i feel like a brad when i think about how small my ring is.
Anyway, i cant sleep thinking about it and thats why i am here, so thank you… its nice to see i am not the only one

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I know this thread is old but i'm going to print this because THIS is what i need to hear. I picked oit my own ring. I customized it a little bit. when i got it back it didnt looki like what i had envisioned. I have been crying all morning. Now I just feel silly. i love the man and i love the ring!

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You are not the only one! lets make a commitment to be happy about the life we are about to build with the peson that we love!