Long post incoming...
Hoping to get some advice from anyone who has dealt with difficult families whilst wedding planning. My OH and I got engaged a couple of weeks ago, it was completely out of the blue and I have never been more excited in my life! We've been together 8 years, however our families live at opposite ends of the country and somehow, our parents have never met (although our siblings have all met each other).
First issue: The day after we got engaged, his parents travelled to see us and stayed for the weekend. My mum came along to meet them. We went for some drinks - my mum can be a a bit of an oversharer when she's had a drink and, whilst ultimately she got on fine with his parents, they've since spoken to my OH about how they didn't like a few things she said (she made a joke about being too poor to pay for our wedding - my OH and I are funding it - and they took huge offence to her discussing money around them). My mum will be fairly involved in helping plan and asked if his parents wanted to join when we look at venues, and even offered his mum to come dress shopping with us. His mum seems to have taken this as an invitation to be completely involved. We went to visit them recently and, despite us having already decided to get married in the area that I'm from, she took us for a 'walk', where we ended the walk at a wedding venue that she wanted us to look around... She's also made comments about how their side of the family is bigger and we're not thinking about the effort and expense of all of them having to travel and it would be much easier if my family travelled instead. She's suggested we have a winter wedding instead of a summer wedding as she prefers the potential colour schemes. She's also already given us a list of her friends, family and their various children that have to be on the guest list (half of whom I've never met). I'm not sure how to tell her to back off, as I'm worried my mum has set a bad precedent on my behalf here...
Second issue: After visiting his family, we went down to my family's. We were both relieved, as my family are renowned to be fairly laid back and not particularly argumentative (or so I thought). I'm the youngest of my siblings, and the only girl, so everyone has been pretty excited for me to one day get married. My eldest brother is already married and has a kid, and the planning process for his wedding went really smoothly. My parents are divorced, both have new long term partners, and both got through the process of my brother's wedding without any arguments or hiccups. My brother invites us all to his house for some food. Both parents and step parents are there, along with extended family and friends. My mum has a few drinks and privately speaks to my dad, asking him if he's contributing to the wedding. He's livid that my mum spoke to him about money and thinks that all money conversations should be between him and I - she shouldn't need to know if he contributes. He then goes on to essentially just tell me everything he doesn't like about her, and says he's concerned she's taking over and we won't end up having the wedding my partner and I want. He tells me my step-mum is annoyed with her too (she absolutely loathes my mum and doesn't hide it). I'm now just stressing out about having to navigate their relationship as well as plan this wedding, and am already trying to figure out how to sort out seating arrangements, hotel rooms, wedding pictures etc that will ensure they don't have any contact. I've broached the idea of a top table that is made up of the groomsmen and bridesmaids instead of traditional parents. My OH and I really like the thought, but his parents are fuming about it and are adamant they will be on the top table.
I've been engaged for less than a month and already feel like I'm trying to do everything for everyone else! I've actually found my mum to be really helpful and supportive (although a little forward at times) and yet I'm worried she's at the centre of a few problems? We've also made clear that we're not asking either of our parents to contribute, however these conversations are going on without us knowing, and causing extra tension.
How have people navigated difficult families? Do I just shut them all out and plan it myself and tell them to deal with it?
