engagement party

ok, if you want to offer some helpful advice can you advise me of how to bridge the issue that NO ONE at the wedding will no each other as they havnt met before without some form of party to introduce them?

my friends all have different groups (my BMs havnt even met before)

our families barely know each other (my mam met his mam and dad the day our son was born and that's it)

he has friends I havnt met and vice versa

and none of my friend have met any of his friends

the only people that will know each other is immediate family's (i.e obviously my mam knows my brother because she made him)

get the feeling this will be a fun wedding full of awkward silences ?

this all got off the track of the original question which was more 'is it acceptable to be your own host?'

JJKCB - those all seem like perfectly good reasons to have an engagement party, so just go ahead as for being your own host, I didn't realise there was "protocol" around this, so I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I was invited to one and the invite came from the bride and groom. If you're worried folks will think of it as a way of getting presents/money, then don't ask for either (as you've said).

Woah, passive-aggressive tone not necessary! I personally care this much < > if you do or don't have an engagement party. Whatever you want

A wedding is a coming together of lots of diverse groups. We had friendship groups who had never met - this is normal, surely? Friends don't need to know other friends beforehand.

Your BMs will have plenty of meet ups during planning. And a hen do.

The parents are a different thing, and probably nice to have them all together for a nice time. In your shoes, I would plan a dinner.

Your wedding will not be full of awkward silences, unless your groups are all unsociable gits?

Blimey. We organised our own party and asked for no gifts thus causing untold distress and anguish for our guests.

However I frequently update selfies to Facebook so no surprise there.

Jjkcb- don't worry about people not talking. Every single wedding I have been to there gave been people that I don't know, you just he on with it and get on with people. Don't make a big thing of it. I'm sure you have been to plenty of weddings in the past and I daresay you diddnt know everyone in attendance. Don't overthink things.

We had one and organised it ourself with roughly 80 family and friends at a local hall with disco and buffet (everyone chipped in) for one main reason: my OHs mum was terminally ill and at only the age of 19 we knew she wouldnt see us get married or have children so decided to get engaged and have a proper party to celebrate. We may have only been 19 and 20 years old at the time, but had been together 3 years. We had the party 6 weeks after our engagement and his mum passed away 2 months later.

Engagement parties are not for everyone, for our circumstances and the fact we knew it would be a long engagement only being 19 at the time it was right for us and must say we had a fantastic evening!

We didn't have one (it would be my idea of hell).

We went out for dinner to celebrate, first with OH's mum and brother and then went to dinner with my mum, gran and youngest brother. Our families have still never met, that will happen at Christmas (eek).

As for our wedding guests not knowing each other I'm not worried, they are all a sociable bunch and will probably enjoy getting to know new people. OH and I have made a pact that between us we will meet everyone who is coming that we haven't already met eg he hadn't met a few of my friends I hadn't met a few of his. We're now down to him yet meeting one of my friends and me one of his friends and his wife and 2 and his dad and brother because they live overseas.

I wasn't passive aggressive, I asked for suggestions

and no they wont meet up several times, they live in different countries and have small children and their own weddings to plan, the only other time they might meet is the hen do (we have 3 year asking them to travel twice to planned events seems less selfish than expecting them to travel and meet up every month)

my mam and his mam are opposites and dont get along (although the other 3 do) a quite dinner would be worse they're less likely to kill each other in a larger group

when I met OH i got taken to his friends weddings, it was horrendously awkward not knowing anyone... there was nothing to talk about, I didn't know any in jokes and some where even down right rude to me as they got drunk (I couldn't drink so was pretty much the only sober person there) - I dont want any of my guests to feel like that

sorry for your loss, its lovely that she got to see that though

Depending on your budget, but what about hiring a local cocktail barman and let him oohhh and ahhh everyone with fancy drinks!

thanks

I think I will, still not sure on invite etiquette though, there are friends I would happily invite because I cant have at the wedding but apparently its inplied if your invited to one your invited to both so I guess I have to figure that one out

We didn't have one. Didn't realise people still had them TBH. The idea of them seems a bit dated, somehow.

Laura Tog - not sure if you've realised, or if it's even the same for everyone, but the photos on your signature are ginormous, and take up a lot page space, as well as wandering off the right hand side.

This. We didn't have one for this reason.
However the people I've seen having them have organised their own, haven't really heard of people having them organised for them.

You obviously want to have an engagement party so have one no need to justify it! I don't see a problem in hosting it yourself. I personally didn't have one... Just couldn't be bothered with the stress of planning a party and a wedding.

however so our wedding party can meet before the day (none of my bridesmaids know each other) we are going to have a BBQ/get together weather dependent a month or so before wedding at my in laws house.

just a thought though you are worried about the fact know one knows each other and your wedding being filled with awkward silences.... Why will this not be the same at an engagement party where no one knows each other?

i went to a wedding a few weeks ago where I knew only the bride and 3 other ladies we were sat girl-boy-girl-boy round a table with people we didn't know. We had an amazing time and there was never a silent moment at the table. Unless you friends with people who struggle socially them not knowing each other before hand is not that big a deal.

This, I think, is one of the difficulties of engagement parties. I think a lot of people would assume that if they were invited to the engagement party, they would also be invited to the wedding. However, your wedding isn't for another four years (according to your signature), a lot can happen in four years!

I think that if you want a party, you should go for it!

We reserved an area at a bar and invited our friends along for a drink to celebrate. Didn't invite any family except our siblings (and I can't even remember if my sister came! ?). No speeches or gifts, though we did get a few nice cards.

Our parents had met once or twice before our engagement, but wouldn't have wanted to come to something like that, and the atmosphere certainly wasn't conducive to "getting to know each other" - we all got together for lunch at PiL's (which is conveniently halfway between my parents' house and where we live!) a few weeks later to start discussing wedding plans. Extended family didn't meet until the day.

I can't think of any of my friends who've had formal engagement bashes involving family etc. The only ones I've been to have been similar relaxed evening drinks sort of things.

WSS I had never heard of anyone having one when we got engaged (4 years ago) but I know a few friends that have had one recently,,,,I think they all threw there own.

I didn't have one and generally think they are quite rare nowadays. Of all weddings I've been to in last couple years not one had an engagement party.

However, I don't think there are any set rules on them and don't see any harm in you guys hosting it yourself. I can't imagine anyone making a judgment on that ;o)

I personally don't think it's attention seeking at all, as ours was a house party we provided loads of drink and food so no one had to spend any money. Friends were really generous though, we had a few Next vouchers and three bottles of champagne.

Everyone's got different opinions on what's attention seeking / cheeky though. I personally think organising your own baby shower is sooo cringey and 'grabby', as people are obliged to either buy a present or contribute to one. On the other hand, it's a great way to get pressies you might not be able to afford yourself ? I could just never bring myself to organise one for myself though.

We had a combined housewarming / engagement just with friends at our new place as we got engaged when we were in the process of buying our place, and then it took some time to be fit for guests as we had a lot of DIY to do! It was very low key, about 30 people, bottles of wine / home made cocktails, music on an iPod, cold deli-style buffet (nice breads, olives, cheeses, dips etc) and more about welcoming people to our new home than about the engagement, as we were a few months in by that point. Didn't consider any etiquette at all, just opened our home to our friends and had a fun evening. Didn't even think about gifts but got a few 'new home' cards and most people brought a bottle or some chocolates etc, just as you would on any night you visited a friend's house.

Our families got together for drinks another time - my parents are long divorced and with new people and OH's live on the other side of the country so it was the first time we got them all in one place - but that wasn't really an 'engagement' event, just a get together.

Unintentionally (on my part) we sort of had an impromptu celebration on the night we got engaged. It was our anniversary but I had to be down in my home town for some teaching work so we'd arranged to have a meal with my friends down there and go out just on our own at the weekend. He would have known as I was planning it that it would end up being our engagement but I didn't (and they didn't) so that night ended up being a particularly fun one with bubbly etc.

Anyway these are all very specific to my circumstances but the reason I think it might be relevant to the OP is to perhaps break the ice with different groups of people by having a low-key, low-stress 'do' (or several smaller ones) that are not just about your engagement but just about getting together and seeing people. Through the various things we did during the year of our engagement, our different groups of friends all know each other quite well now (there is a lot of cross-pollination on Facebook these days!) and different sides of the family (including my two slightly estranged halves from when my parents divorced) are all friendly and keeping in contact, which is a lovely side effect - and while that was mainly down to us, it wasn't 'all about us'. It was about everyone.

The same with us

I had one for my first engagement 17 years ago which was arranged mostly by my parents and inlaws. I think it was the done thing back then because we always seemed to be attending them. I don't think I've been to one since the millenium though. H2B and I didn't even think about one this time, we got engaged half an hour before our taxi arrived to take us on a night out with our closest friends so we celebrated then which was enough for us.

We got engaged the day before my birthday so we had most of the family round anyway for that but it was nice to announce it to everyone together. Other than that I doubt we would have done anything.

OP if you want a party sod what anything says and just host it yourself. I know I wouldn't find it tacky to receive an invite from thr couple themselves. If I'm honest I'd probably find it more strange to receive an invite from your parents. I know I feel that way about wedding invites that do.

As for who to invite just invite everyone you want to regardless as to whether you think you'll invite them to the wedding. As someone else said if your wedding date is 4 years away then a lot can change anyway

I didn't have one as I didn't see the point in having one.

I also have a friend who had one 'just to get presents' - her words, not mine. This has turned me against engagement parties.

Have some celebratory drinks in a bar/pub yes, but I don't think it's fair to expect people to give you a present just because you got engaged.

I've been reading this thread with interest because we're having our engagement party soon. It's at my mums and dads house but only because ours is in such a state with decorating and stuff; we are definitely the hosts (although might have to remind L about that part!) there'll be about 35 people there including us and it's mostly just family and close friends. We haven't done it to get attention at all and definitely don't expect presents! It's not even a case of wanting everyone to meet before the wedding, I wouldn't be annoyed if I went to a wedding and hadn't been given the opportunity to meet everyone beforehand! We just thought it would be nice to have a party and are serving a few cocktails but will be asking people to bring drinks just like they would at any other house party so it's not a major expense. I'd say just go for it; if you're going to get stressed over internet advice on engagement parties my personal advice would be to stop reading up on wedding etiquette as whatever you plan with weddings there's someone to say you're doing the wrong thing! Just do what you feel is right! ?

We also reserved an area at a bar and invited our friends/family along for drinks to celebrate. We provided champagne and canapés but otherwise it was very informal. We just invited people by text or in person. I never worried about the present quandary, as it never occurred to me people would bring presents - a couple did, most didn't. We got some lovely cards though.

I did wonder the same about inviting people that wouldn't be invited to the wedding, as we are having a very low key wedding with only a few guests. I think generally I wouldn't invite someone to the engagement drinks if they are not at least included as evening guests at the wedding... unless you have a long wait, as it's reasonable that your wedding day plans could change by then - including size of the wedding and guest list.

Have a party if you want one!

I didn't have an engagement party, didn't see the point. We went out for dinner with my close family to celebrate, but I don't quite get having a party to celebrate the fact that you will soon be having another party. Some people put so much money and effort into planning their engagement party they might as well just get married!

Saying that, I don't think there are any rules and I don't see anything wrong with hosting your own party if that's what you want to do.