Engagement Ruined :(

Hello Lexine! I am so sorry you are going through this. Would it be ok if I asked why she erupted? Maybe I would be able to help with a clearer picture. Either way you shouldn’t be feeling this way. Lots of love and hugs your way. x

That's so hard. I can really sympathise. We had a really horrible situation blow up 24 hours after our engagement, and it was so hard because I found that for a while, it tainted our engagement memories - people would ask about the engagement, and even while I was telling them, my mind would be going to what happened after.

The good news is that 3.5 years after our engagement, the bad memories have faded and I can now look back on our engagement without automatically thinking about the other stuff. Plus we've made a load of other good memories in the months since, so our engagement doesn't loom quite as big as it did before our wedding.

I'm sure that in time, you also will be able to look back on your engagement with 100% joy. Meanwhile, I think it would help if you try altering your thinking. Your engagement hasn't been ruined - the two of you are still planning your future together. What has happened is that the pleasure surrounding the engagement has been temporarily spoiled by your family situation. That won't last forever, and it can't touch the most important part of your engagement - the love that you have for each other and your commitment to a united future.

As for what you do going forward, I think that very much depends on what has caused this falling out, how serious it is and how typical it is of your usual relationship with your mother. Take some time to reflect on the best way forward. Sending hugs xxx

View quoted message Hi Shay, thank you so much for your kind words xx
Sorry I should’ve mentioned why she erupted. She was talking loudly and being vulgar at the dinner table it’s all very odd and embarrassing what she was saying and in no way connected to us being engaged. Anyway, I asked her to stop but she continued. My fiancé then asked her to stop and when she refused he told her to stop with more authority ‘that’s enough now’. With that said, my mum proceeded to call my fiancé a bully and told me that I can deal with bullies and she can’t. She stormed off and the rest of my family left too (they all car shared). I was left in tears. I guess I’m hurting because she seems totally unbothered and is telling me I am at fault for the way I have reacted. Not how I expected to start my engagement off at all xx

View quoted message Thank you so much, that really means a lot ❤️ I will try to alter my way of thinking too, I really struggle with conflict and am working with a therapist on that and how I cope etc. I’m sorry that a situation blew up for you 24th and after your engagement but I am so glad that you can look back on fond memories too, big hugs xx

View quoted message Hi Lexine,

I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s so sad that your mum was that immature and it is absolutely not your fault. I struggle with conflict and confrontation too so I know the pain or stress you must be feeling. It’s great that you’re talking with a therapist- they’ve saved my life in the past! I agree with the advice from the previous posters. Try and to get answers. If she is still acting the same way, then there is nothing you can do to change that. But you still have control - you can accept it, try and let it go (it’s your life, not hers) and move forward with your life. If you get an apology then that’s great, but focus on people that respect you. I hope that helps and you enjoy your engagement! Big hugs xxx

View quoted message I’m so so sorry! There was never going to be an excuse why she acted this way I just was looking at the bigger picture. Yourself and your fiancé had every right to ask her to stop. It’s still early days but I think she will apologize when she realizes. She is probably embarrassed right now and doesn’t want to apologize and admit she is in the wrong. Please enjoy this time with your fiancé and as above has said about you forgetting about it in the future but right now you are hurting. You both are not in the wrong and I hope your Mum realizes this sooner rather than later. Xx

*you and your fiancé are not in the wrong.

Families are a nightmare but assuming your goal here is to resolve the argument then I think you will need to meet your mum half way .

Essentially in her eyes she was told to 'shut up' by her future son in law and she feels disrespected.

Arrange to talk to her . You cant change her but you can both compromise and set new boundaries moving forward.

Try not to think too much about whos right and whos wrong but how you want the relationship to be moving forward. If you want a good relationship moving forward then then try to resolve it as fast as possible.

**** I realise this seems the opposite of what other people would advise and I think thats probably because my mum died over 20 years ago. Dont waste time if you want her in your life then its worth the time and effort ***

Is your mother's behaviour typical of how she normally is, or is this out of character?

If it's a one off, then it might be worth trying to find out why she started behaving in such a bizarre way. If it's fairly in keeping with how she is normally, then I think your focus needs to be on how you will handle it moving forwards - e.g. if she is invited to your wedding, you need to prepare for her behaving in the same way there.

So sorry to hear about your experience here too Melissa, that sounds awful and like you've coped with it very bravely

View quoted message I agree it might be worth trying to see it from her side if you care about making up. Being right isn't everything