Evening invites/guests and gifts

He he, I am dealing with this at the moment, having not included any details for any guests. It is hard BUT I also think it's a burden that needs to be shouldered (rather than not being bothered to deal with it!).

Nnnoooooooo, don't do it!

I've lost count of the number of people over the years who've said how greedy it looks, particularly as they're not even invited to the most important part of the day.

Oops, didn't actually offer an opinion on your question. This ^^^^

I'm pleased to receive gift information (gift list or money request) in a day invitation, but I hate to receive one in an evening invitation, even though I will still take a gift. I see it as I'm not important enough to come to your whole day, but you still want me to buy you a present. A bit hypocritical of me to think that, seeing as I would take a present, but it'd generally be something small.

The last wedding i went to as an evening guest asked for honeymoon money,the next one in August also an evening guest included a gift list so i guess it is popular to include. I have not asked for anything with day or evening guests but that is more because of personal feelings towards it.Although two people have now said...typical bloody Skybright,never makes it easy for us to buy something!

All our "evening only" guests are invited to the ceremony too; they just have a couple of hours of free time in the afternoon before the evening celebrations start with a welcome line at 5.30pm and speeches from 6pm - 7pm (approx), then the cake cutting and first dance.

I'm assuming you mean the ceremony is the most important part of the day, not the wedding breakfast?

It's purely budget that prevents us inviting everyone to the afternoon, as we didn't have a spare £3000+ lying around. That doesn't make people "less important" if they aren't invited to the WB, it just means they aren't the closest friends and family.

To us, it doesn't matter if people are work colleagues, old friends or distant relatives - they're all important to us if they want to join us for any part of our special day.

My OH and I will have been together nearly 12 years when we get married and will have been living together for 10 of those years, so we are all sorted house-wise. So, we will be asking for cash, but making it very clear that them being there is a gift, possibly using a poem like one of these here

http://www.thefizz.co.uk/wedding-budget/cash-instead-of-gifts/

And thus, you have included gift information in all invitations?

All the evening reception invites we have ever had have included gift information and i've always taken what was asked for with little thought, and have never ever thought it to be rude.

We haven't got evening invites as we're doing all day only, but if we were to have them, I wouldn't have included in the information, even despite saying above I wasn't offended to receive it.

Naturally. In small print at the back of the invitation pack, the following wording:

"The biggest and most enjoyable present you could give either of us is your attendance at our special day. However if you would like to contribute to either our deposit for a house or some Argos vouchers to help us furnish it once we get it, we will be delighted to accept your gift."

Whether people choose to give gifts or not is up to them, we won't be "chasing" those that don't, but whether it's £5 or £250 it will be gratefully received as 'every little helps.

Thanks for all the responses.

As our actual wedding is (unusually?) small, only immediate family will be present for the ceremony/meal, so many "important" people are only invited to the evening. It makes it tricky for me to know what would be acceptable for evening guests. I'm now worrying if people will see our whole wedding as being on the cheap or halfhearted, which is not true, we have our own reasons for how we have arranged our day.

Whatever those reasons are, nobody has any right to query them, or why they are "only" evening guests when in fact nobody - friends, family or work colleagues - has any automatic right to an invitation to any part of your day.

It never ceases to amaze me the entitlement that some people seem to feel they have when it comes to other people's weddings.

To be blunt, this is the same feeling I get when I see people requesting gifts/money. The "entitlement".....

I'm a bit torn about it all because while I don't actually expect anyone to buy us gifts, and certainly don't think that they should feel obliged to do so, I know that our friends and families will want to buy gifts, and never turn up for anything empty handed. So I'd rather point them in the direction of things we actually want rather than ending up with things that will be a waste of their hard earned cash.

It's a real dilemma though, I don't like to think that people would think we're being rude by providing a list. I don't care if nothing gets picked and we don't get any presents, I want people there with me above anything else!

If someone sent me an invitation (day or evening) with a gift list or asking for money I certainly would not see it as a 'demand' or think that the couple expected me to buy them a gift, the whole point is to let opeople know whhat you would like should they be generous enough to buy you a gift. The things people get upset about boggles me somethines!

I plan to print off a load of fliers to go out with the invites (day and evening) which will include location information, a map, suggestions of nearby hotels and to tell them that if they do wish to get us anythign a donation towards our honeymoon would be gratefully received.

WDRS...

I'd much rather two people get upset about a little bit of wording than having to tell 100 people the same thing over and over again.

I've no idea how it is "bad" to put a gift list in with an invitation yet it's perfectly ok to refer to your website where there is a gift list for them to read. They still have the same opportunity to pick a gift or ignore it.

See, aj, there's my issue with your comment about upsetting two v telling 100. You're the host - it's your job to make your guests feel welcome, not upset them!

IMO, it is "bad" to put a gift request into an invitation because it "presumes". It is an open indication that you are expecting gifts and that you have gone so far as to "make it easy" for people when buying you one. "We've decided to save you the hassle of shopping", "Presence not presents"....ugh

Directing someone to info on a website, where there happens to be a gift page, seems more acceptable (although I haven't done this either). The guest has to make a "virtual enquiry", of their own volition, which indicates their willingness to buy a present before actually being confornted by the cold hard requests.

... and we will, regardless of whether they bring a gift or not.

If someone is likely to be offended by a bit of small print at the back of the invitation they're likely to be upset by the fact we aren't having a church ceremony, or having hymns, or having a barbecue instead of a formal sit down meal, or that they have to travel some distance, or we're having a barn dance, or any other number of things that, like everyone else's wedding, is "not how things used to be" - and aren't coming anyway. You can't please everyone all the time so it's silly to even think about doing so.

So far not one person has commented anything negative about us putting it in the back of the invitations, so I'm guessing either they're too polite to mention it, or they're so upset about it they can't bring themselves to tell us about it, or more likely nobody is bothered about it in the slightest.

Disagree. Not having a church wedding is not bad manners

Ah well, as always everyone has different opinions and there is no real right or wrong answer overall so I rest confident that we have made the right decision that suits us and our guests's needs.

More or less every guest expects to buy a gift when they attend the wedding, so I simply cannot grasp how it is wrong to give people a little guidance and save them the bother of asking.

WTS

we didnt have a gift list, some people who came did not buy gifts and loads of people who didnt come have. I did have a lot of requests from people not inivted that wanted to buy us a gift but didnt really feel comfortable asking for anything so just said its not necessary and if they insited said a small token to keep would be lovely. we ended up with cheques, vouchers, trips for our honeymoon and some really thoughtful keepsakes and things for the house

You'd be surprised how many people don't think it's a "proper wedding" if it's not held in a church, and I'd say it's more bad manners to say that or criticise any other aspect of a wedding than it is to gently prompt people in the right direction of what gifts the couple want, if people choose to follow that advice - or do their own thing, or not get anything.

I don't do birthday parties any more. They stopped when I was 11.

damn right!!!! ?

**disclaimer** i am KIDDING!

Would you be happy to receive one along with an invitation to someone else's birthday party?

That's irrelevant to the etiquette of the situation. Whether they like it or not, it is not bad etiquette to have a non-churchy wedding.

I was talking about the big gift list debate with my auntie on Sunday as she asked why we had not sent anything with our invite,she said and i agree with, that if a couple are getting married and setting up home together (or have done recently) then people don't mind as much with a gift list as they couple may well need the stuff on the list. When people like myself who have been together for donkeys and already have most things people may get a little annoyed esp if it has cost them a fortune to attend the wedding that you are most likely upgrading all your stuff or indulging yourself with things you don't really need...ie do we need a £30 can opener..ahhh bugger it it's on the gift list.

All I expected from my evening guests was for them to have a good time. Was a bit miffed if I didn't get a card, but that's just because I'm a stationary freak.

From my day guests, however, I stipulated that I expected a minimum of £100 worth of John Lewis vouchers in my wedding information pack*

*kidding

I dont think this is really fair. I wasnt going to put anything in our invites about gifts etc, however before we even sent the guest names to the printers we had at least 6/7 people ask us if we have a giftl list or what they should get us.

We dont expect or feel entitled to a gift hence we have put a note in our (daytime only) invitation saying that if people want to get us something, money towards some excursions / experiences on honeymoon would be lovely - though the most important thing for us is our family and friends being there with us. Which is genuinly how we feel.

Fair play to those who havent put anything in their invites, thats your call, after all - your day, your way, but the statement above seems to imply that those who have are wrong for doing so.

I dont wish to get into a debate about it - every wedding invitation i have ever had has had gift information in it, and ive never been offended. I think maybe people think too hard about it. I repeat, your day your way. Do what you feel is right.

Regardless of whether you think that, making other people think that they're wrong for putting gift information into a wedding invite is not fair.

Like i said i'm not trying to start a debate on the wrongs and rights cos everyones different. the part i thought was unfair was you implying that thet way you do it is right and the way others do it is wrong.

Weddings are different to birthday parties and everyone knows that.

I think it's a tradition thing. Everyone knows weddings have (mostly) gift lists, hence why shops do them, whereas birthdays lists and the like are not usual.

It's traditional wedding etiquette IMO but that is all that is, just my opinion! Doesn't make it right or wrong!