Ex wife at wedding

I did reply to this a couple of days ago, but my response seems to have vanished!

Would the girls' grandparents be able to cope with them on their own at the ceremony?

Is there anyone else you could invite to the ceremony purely as a carer for the girls - perhaps someone outside the family who knows them well?

If the elder one is going through a difficult time, do you think attending the ceremony might be too much for her to cope with at all? Could you look at having them just join you at the end of the ceremony for a group photo together and then spend the rest of the day with their mum?

It might be worth trying to get some feedback from the eldest to try and work out how much she will be able to cope with. You could also look at working on some coping mechanisms for her to use to help deal with the overwhelm. Is she getting any support generally?

At the end of the day, you need a solution that works for you and the girls, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If other people think it's 'odd' that the girls don't come to your wedding, or that they come with your partner's ex or whatever other solution you pick, then tough - those people are not living your life and their opinion doesn't matter.

View quoted message Hey beaut, thanks so much for your reply.


It was the grandparents (my in-laws) who made the suggestion about having the ex wife at the ceremony as well.
That would be tricky because my side of the family will only meet the girls for the first time at the wedding, and the only other option would be one of his exes friends who I've never met.
Plus, me and my fiance live in Manchester, the girls live in Portsmouth. We go down to see them every 6-8 weeks, and we have video calls with them every week inbetween.
It's hard to have conversations with her at times. You can't even ask her how she is on those days. There's not always a reason either.
We're going down on 22nd February, so hopefully we can get somewhere with her.
I don't think she's been to many social occasions.
Any time we ask his ex how the girls are, she's very vague with her answers. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone.
We would really love them there, but at the end of the day, we want them to be comfortable and happy
Even if they're just there for pics and reception xx

That makes it a lot harder if you are at such a distance.

Can you ask their mum if she thinks they will cope with the wedding ceremony?

To be honest, unless the 9-year-old has expressed strong interest in seeing the ceremony, I'd probably opt for reception only for them - less stress all round, as you won't be worried they might kick off and they won't have the pressure of an unfamiliar ceremony to deal with.

For the reception, I'd designate a 'quiet space' and make sure they know they can go there any time they need to. Maybe ask their mum if she can suggest any things that might help. The lack of communication may be because she herself is unsure of how to deal with it, or because she thinks she might be judged over the older child's new behaviours. If you approach it as "We know x is finding things difficult at the moment - what would you suggest we do to make the reception easier and more enjoyable for her?" then hopefully, she'll realise that you are asking questions out of concern to help, not out of judgement.

Good luck with it - those girls are blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about them, and I'm sure you'll work out something that works for them x

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View quoted message Hey beaut, sorry for the late reply


We've got a video call with the girls this morning, so we can ask their mum then
Although, I think she'll say yes regardless, because she's just that type of person
Our eldest hasn't expressed an interest in all honesty. We have talked about the wedding, on the video calls and in person, but last weekend, my FMIL didn't want it discussed too much in front of her. How will she be prepared though?
Plus I don't think it's talked about at all at home. Her mum's a head in the clouds type of person
We've also got this gut feeling we can't shake off; that she'll decide on the day they're due to travel up, that they can't come. Hope we're wrong though
Although my cousin told me she has that feeling too
I've had to tell her a little white lie about booking the hotel already because I don't really trust her
Thanks so much beaut, they're beautiful girls, and I really do hope they are there
It would mean the world to us xxx

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