Ex Wife/Kids/OH offload - any advice? Looooong.

FWIW, you must really love your H because I'd have left already.

You're right - your H needs to have firm arrangements in place with her over the children and he needs to talk to her about her comments to the children about you.

How can you plan your life, run a businsness, study and so on when you can't even rely on the children's mother to pick them up as arranged?

What zebra said, esp the first line.

he needs to grow some balls and tell her that its totally unnacceptable that she talks about you tot he children and the other comments she makes (ie "he doesnt want to see you" when he cant do soemthing)

edited to add - youre subsidising her life ffs!

I agree. And why are you having to subsidise payments to her for maintenance? If your OH is paying an agreed amount set up by the CSA and can't manage, can he not get this re-assessed?

I agree, especially about the growing balls part. I'm afraid I just wouldn't put up with being spoken to and treated like that. He should see what's going on, speak to her and the children about it and if she doesn't listen, tell his solicitor to sort out proper arrangements.

As for the kids, I absolutely abhor people who use children like this. You have to remember that its not really their fault, they're just listening to what she's saying and repeating it. Her not liking you obviously rubs off on them and they follow her lead. With time, they'll come to see that she's the evil one, not you. I know its hard but try and take the moral high ground. If they start behaving really badly and abusing you, its up to their father to sort them out (again, this is connected to the growth of balls comment).

Being a step-parent is a thankless task and sometimes a very lonely one, especially when you have children of your own to look after as well. You can join me on the evil step-mother bench if you like. Mine is nearly 16 now so it's been a long haul ?

Good luck with the other stuff and keep talking to your OH about the situation. He needs to be repeatedly told how you're feeling and the sacrifices you're making so he can have a quiet life!

Cheers guys, I was starting to wonder if I was being a bit hypersensitive. God, I could go on for hours on what she's like and what she says but I'm trying to retain some dignity while letting her go off on one. What I really want to do is post unflattering pictures of her across town, put herrings on her car radiator and mail porn to her house and do really juvenile stuff ??

I do love my OH, but I don't want the rot setting in by thinking - why I'm knocking my pan in, giving up my free time and time I could be spending with my daughter, for this crap.

You are better person than me, as i would have flipped a long time ago. How come he pays so much maintenance if its clearly unaffordable?

Wow, you make my H's ex sound like an angel. I really do empathise with you.

Like others have said your OH needs to start standing up to her. I know this is hard - my H didn't at first as she would simply refuse him access to the kids and even came round late one night demanding the kids' clothes that SHE had bought (with H's money I presume as she doesn't work). The ex knows they can use the kids as a ploy to get what they want.

Once he did stand up to her, tell her her behaviour was completely unreasonable and that the only people she is damaging/hurting are the kids, she did begin to calm down. It also helped when she found a partner of her own - I know you can't help with this but just so you know there are things that help alleviate the situation.

It also sounds like you are subsidising her costs a lot. Paying the mortgage and £500 in maintenance sounds like a huge sum compared to how much we pay but that maybe based upon your wages. However, if your earnings have been reduced (you mentioned the restaurant) then your maintenance should be adjusted to reflect that. I have certainly never paid maintenance out of my wages but happy to get my two step-sons things when they are with us.

She needs to accept that you are both going to be apart of each other's lives for the rest of your lives. Or for as long as you need to communicate about the children at least. What is the point in making it difficult for everyone? These are the points your OH needs to make to her.

If you are dealing with solicitors, I also hope you are documenting EVERYTHING.

HTH

Maintenance is not organised through the CSA - I think £500 is sufficient along with paying £1000 a month on the mortgage. The payments haven't been a problem up until recently where my OH hasn't taken a big enough wage out of the business as it hasn't been going well so we've used some of my salary. He's tried to tell her we need structure so we can look at reducing staff where he can do more on the floor but she's so unreasonable. He's said that he faces gong bankrupt if we can't make savings and she refuses to believe that's the case. OH believes that she is out to damage him, but she's cutting off her nose to spite her face here.

I know it's not the kids fault and have never treated them as such. I know it comes from her and they're innocent in all this and are being just as damaged by it as we are.

Just wanted to echo the comment in bold. You get all of the hard work of a parent and hardly any of the reward.

I know what you mean about preparing a breakfast and not getting any recognition that you have put in hard work. I think this is just kids though. I can't tell you how many times I have lovingly cooked a meal for my 2 step-sons only for them to sit down and start pulling the meal apart "I don't like that and this" just like you said. You feel like screaming "how about a thank you!"

Maintenance is not organised through the CSA - I think £500 is sufficient along with paying £1000 a month on the mortgage. The payments haven't been a problem up until recently where my OH hasn't taken a big enough wage out of the business as it hasn't been going well so we've used some of my salary.

so efectively if she was earning that money, before tax it would be over 20 grand a year assuming normal tax rates. so YOU are contributing to her life with that amount of money. its a large amount - and she s working as well, so in fact, she s doing pretty well, and i m betting she has tax credits etc? I would urgently reassess what you are giving this woman, and put it on a formal stannding. clearly he cant afford it and now you are contributing? can you see and accept that that is a wholly ridiculous situation? he REALLY needs to man up and deal with her on every level, and sorry to say, but youre being treated like a doormat, and youre accepting it

I'll only be repeating what the others have said in terms of your H needing to stand up to her. If my husband hadn't done this with his ex we'd be down the hopsital every week due to her being violent towards him and making ridiculous demands.

Now as for the CSA, YOUR income should not in any way be taken into account for HER children. Your H needs to get in touch with the CSA and work out a proper maintenance agreement. Use this calculator to work out how much he should be paying as it decreames by 1/7 for every night the children spend with you.

I bet that makes a difference! https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Def agree here with Nick! and KB3.

Hang on. Have I got this right?

£500 maintenance paid by you and OH.

£1000 mortgage paid by you and OH.

And she's working with NO childcare costs (covered by you +/- OH).

And you are saying you (and your OH) can't actually afford this...

I am clearly in the wrong game.

PLEASE get this sorted. Financially and on a practical level.

Thats interesting kb3 - i just put in the following terms as an example

Number of children maintenance will be paid for: 2

Number of other children living in the non-resident parent's household: 1

Number of nights, on average, the non-resident parent has the child(ren): 52 to 103

The non-resident parent's net weekly income: £ 500

The non-resident parent is not claiming any benefits.

The parent with care is claiming benefits.

the answer was that the benefit payable to the Wife was £73 per week - signicantly less than the (almost) 400 per WEEK she s getting. i used 500 a week net income as an arbitrary figure - that would equate to around 32 grand a year gross assuming paye etc. if his business is struggling, then i d imagine his income may be less than this.

sorry to be so blunt but, youre crazy.

Precisely Nick. SK, I'd seriously like to find out if the amount you calculate is less than you are currently paying. Remember it's based on H's income only. NOT yours.

WEES - but especially OMG at how much money you are giving her, the only thing your OH is legally obliged to give her is the CSA (or private arrangement equivalent) which as the othrs have said is based on a maximum % of your OH's salary not yours and is reduced as you have a child already living with you. It really would be in your best interests to apply for a formal CSA assessment. In addition why are you paying her mortgage is this part of a formal divorce setlement?

As well as doing everything above board and legally, someone ought to be reminding this old crow that it's not wise to bite the hand that feeds her. How rude!

I can understand your H is worried she may stop him seeing the children, but really, if you take the correct course of action (KB3 is your woman for info there, she's brilliant) then he has no need to worry, and this woman will no longer be able to fleece you whilst metaphorically spitting in your face.

Raaah, I'm all angry and frustrated for you.

What a bummer. Yes your H needs to grow a pair!

What I think is most wrong is dragging the children into it. Surely any parent's role is to protect their children and make them feel secure and loved. (Not that my parents managed their divorce with any dignity - I know it's ideal world thinking).

I know it seems very wrong now. But children aren't stupid, and eventually they will see through their mum's bad behaviour (although this might be several years down the line).

And yes - you shouldn't be funding this woman's lifestyle! Get an assessment and a legal agreement to see the children. I think it is dispicable that people use their children as pawns and withhold them from their dads because of their own inability to deal with difficult emotions. (different if there is violence or abuse from the dad)

Much as this might sound weird, when I'm upset with someone I send them loving vibes! I know, it's really hard and I want to send bile and radiator kippers! But I've found if I relax and send them loving thoughts they back off!

If you can't send love, send pity. She's obviously very damaged and immature and needs help and pity! It makes you feel like a much better person (even though revenge thoughts are fun, they make you feel petty).

Wow, I've just come back to this - I had to pop out to an appointment and on the way I popped in at home where OH was looking after the littlest one because, get this, she wanted to go up to Edinburgh shopping! I've done the claculations, thanks KB3, great link, and we are paying waaaay over the odds here. I want to make sure the kids don't go without, but I don't honestly think we do too badly by them! We also pay all the fees to clubs and lessons and buy their shoes and now I am starting to think we are being taken the piss out of. So £500 a month to feed them - not possible, all they eat is bloody cheese and ham sandwiches and spaghetti bol!

I went back home and OH was drafting a letter stating that we need a structure. I stated that we need to go through a solicitor but he is reluctant to pay a solicitor to write a letter when she'll turn round and say no anyway. It's like he's not willing to put up a fight. I've said that I understand that there may be an element of guilt on hhis behalf because he's not with the kids and they miss him, but we live literally 3 minutes away and it could be so much easier.

With regards to the mortgage, OH had a solicitor to draw up an agreement with hers saying he'd pay it - can we revoke that at any time? The house is getting sold in 2 years time to which she'll get half of after she's contributed nothing to the payments. I'm a fool aren't I? How did I let this happen?

What do I do though if he won't stand up to her, and won't fight back? I can't issue ultimatums, god I feel so foolish. I'm being taken for granted.

Thanks everyone, it's given me the kick up the arse I need, I'm no longer going to be a doormat.

I'm glad to hear the calculations work out better for you. Did you show your OH?

I have to agree with him that paying a solicitor to write a letter is money down the drain. My husband went LIP (litigant in person) throughout his numerous court cases and has this year won Sole Residency of his children. What I suggest he put in the letter is an offer of mediation, whereby they both attend and try to work out a fair parenting schedule. Also enclose a few ideas of how he wants the new schedule to work. Use a monthly calendar and work it out weekly. If mum chooses to ignore this and the offer of mediation then court will be the next step. I'm afraid to say that if he isn't wililng to fight the ex on this you might just have to issue ultimatums. You are both being taken for granted and she is living the life of riley. No parent should be guilt tripped like he feels he is. And never should it be no money = no children.

I have been through the mill with my husband and the mother of his children. If you ever want advice off the board feel free to PM me.

I'd also recommend your H has a look around the FNF website. https://fnf.org.uk/