Fallen out with bridesmaid & family members 2 weeks before the wedding! Help!

She is meant to be travelling with me and the rest of the bridal party in a camper van. She is making out that she didn't know what was happening but I've said all along about the hair dresser at the hotel. She said that she thought she didn't have a hair dresser so just took it upon themselves to book a hair dresser without speaking to me about it. My aunty was quite hurtful yesterday and said they weren't coming to the wedding at all but then said to my mum that it might be best if they all come as guests. Me and the bridesmaid had a long chat on the phone when it had calmed down a bit as ultimately it's about me and her. But she said she will only be a bridesmaid if she can have her hair done at hers and meet us later on at the hotel?!

Just tell her to turn up and travel with you or turn up as a guest. How old is your cousin? She sounds quite young with her mother having to help her out on this one. Can't she speak for herself? All a bit strange... Tell them what you expect and then leave them to it.

She's 19 almost 20! She is very spoilt and the family are very insular and she has no friends because of her mum (said aunty). She doesn't have a phone so all contact has to be done through my aunty so that's been a bit odd. She's used to getting everything she wants and having everyone pamper to her so it's weird for her that it's for once not about her. I know you are right and my friend bridesmaid is being really supportive and said we'll have the best time together the night before and getting ready together. I'm just a bit head strong and am really annoyed at her booking her own hair dresser and her calling the shots - I'll be bridesmaid if I can have my hair done at home and not have my make up done. It's the principal of it all. She shouldn't be calling the shots. She has spoilt so much of my run up and choosing dresses and shopping trips. I've cried many times over it all and I'm just at the end of my teather will it all. Things won't be the same with us again no matter what happens on the day x

She doesn't have a phone? That's weird!

Maybe there is something going on at their end that you don't know about? You mentioned she was difficult dress shopping as she wanted to be completely covered up. That's quite unusual for a 19 year old isn't it?

Could it be that she's unwell (e.g. an eating disorder) and they haven't told you about it? Can your mum find out what is going on with them?

Either way, don't let it get to you! just tell her when you want her to arrive in the morning. If she says she can't do that, then just say that's a real shame but you expect the bridal party to arrive with you as is the custom. Perhaps she does not feel she wishes to be involved anymore in which case that's fine by you and you look forward to celebrating with her as a guest.

I think as it has already been suggested by your Aunt they are just guests, I'd go down that route.

I think this is more about your cousin learning that the world doesn't revolve around her more than anything else. If you can afford/want to you can even adjust the dress to flatter your other bridesmaid!

It is your day.

Not her day.

If you want her in flourescent pink and bald with a bull ring through her nose, then technically, you should have it! (Haha! Have to admit I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid though and others may object slightly!)

I honestly think, dress, make up, hair, where she meets you is taking too much control. She will probably also tell you what photos she does/doesn't want to be in at this rate!

Weddings are weird things - I have had people I thought close not even bothered I am getting married and others who I thought of ad mates being really supportive and considerate.

I hope you can resolve it so your day can be a happy one :-)

Oh my goodness - just reading your post gave me The Rage on your behalf! I would just say it's my way or you come as a guest - but my family is used to me being cut-throat - wedding or no wedding, ha ha

I'm glad your friend is being supportive though and that you'll have fun getting ready together

Hmmm this whole thing seems really strange to me. She seems to be taking issue with really odd things... why would she have a problem arriving with the bridal party? Surely she realised that getting ready together would be part of being a bridesmaid? I am inclined to think that there is something else going on here, maybe that you don't know about. Someone above has suggested an eating disorder, or it could be some other kind of body image or confidence issue? It would seem to fit with some of the things she has been concerned about. I agree that, as your aunt has suggested she just come as a guest, this might be the way to go. Otherwise, even if there is no more drama in the lead up to the day, you'll still be on edge waiting for something to go wrong, and there's always the potential that she might kick off about something on the day.

Can you ask someone else to be a bridesmaid?

I'd shift your cousin to be a guest. If she wants to be weird and not have her hair and make-up done and get ready with you...then I'd drop her. She's too much drama.

Once you ditch her, sell the dresses and get new ones that fit your friend's figure.

Can you talk to her without the other family members present and ask her honestly if she really wants to be bm? Maybe she doesn't want to cos she feels self conscious about everyone looking at her (I know everyone is really looking at the bride but it's a perception), and she's hoping if she continues to make a fuss you'll sack her off. She might be relieved to be demoted to guest.

Thanks for all your replies. It's nice to know I've got total bridezilla! She does have weird issues about things but she eats a lot when she's around me. She is naturally very thin and one of these people that eat crap and don't put on weight. I could be wrong and there may be an under lying issue other than what I already know of her. Her mum pampers to her and she's used to having her own way! I spoke to bridesmaid on the phone for ages last night just me and her. I asked her out right if she wanted to be my bridesmaid and she said yes if she can do her own make up and have her hair done before how she wants it. I know some people have mixed opinions about deciding on bridesmaid hair and things and I would never make her have something she hates but I'm finding it hard to let go and have her turn up on the day with hair and make up I've not seen. We've been planning and saving for two years and we just want it to be perfect with no complications!

So let me get this right, she's already gotten you to pander to her to pick the dress she wants, and now she wants to have her hair and makeup her way as well? Clearly she's lost sight of whose day it is, if she ever had sight of it at all.

I would be getting rid of her. She's dictated enough terms, and I would be telling her, and her pushy mother, that its your way or the highway. You might be concerned about a rift, but frankly its clearly already there, and people need to realise that they can't walk over you forever.

Maybe you could ask her to send her some pics of the hair and make-up she is planning? tell her its to make sure she will fit in with the rest of the bridal party?

If not i would tell her to get stuffed (in the nicest way possible!) and just be a guest. You should be enjoying this time, and it sounds like you will have a better time the night before/getting ready with your one bridesmaid.

I had a bridesmaidzilla, I think she realised she was close to being sacked and started behaving! xx

I asked her to send pictures of her hair last night and she made some excuse about them being on her mum's camera and not being able to send them?! I told her to email them to me but as yet I've not received anyway. Her argument is that she didn't want to be in a long dress but I put her in one and she won't cancel the hair dresser because she's already booked her and she's moved her day around to accommodate her. It's all a load of crap. The way I'm feeling at the minute, I don't even want her at my wedding at all x

How annoying! What kind of dress did she want? she needs to compromise!

Have you tried talking to her mum directly? Sounds like she cant do anything without her mum so you might be better going straight to the source.

Otherwise I would just tell her to forget it and come as a guest. Did you pay for her dress? im sure you will be able to sell it un-worn on ebay or something. xx

She wanted a short dress that was covered at the top - something 1950s but we did that for my hen party so didn't feel appropriate for the wedding. And anyway I didn't want it. The dresses we have are stunning and she's complaining saying I chose it. There was a lot more dresses we could havbe chosen from if we didn't have the high neck stipulation - that ruled out so many dresses! My nan paid for my cousins dress and I paid for my friends. I think that's why they've always felt like they had a bit of control x

This is ridiculous of your cousin. She is behaving like a child not an adult bridesmaid. Everyone knows that getting ready is together is part of the deal when you are a BM!!

I think you have had some good advice so far but I guess only you can decide how far you are prepared to let her go. Personally, I wouldn't fight the battle over her hair and make up but I would insist she came to the hotel on the morning of the wedding so you can travel together as that would be the deal breaker for me.

If she says she doesn't want to travel together than I would simply say that I cant see how she be a BM any more as part of the deal is helping the bride get ready which obviously means being there prior to the service.

If her hair looks awful when she arrives then you could always have your hairdresser tell her it just needed "a tidy" or something and get them to make it a bit better.

x

Thank you for all your replies. I was starting to think that I was in the wrong so it's nice to hear I've not gone totally bride crazy. She is prepared to travel with me. She said she will get to the hotel as early as she can and bring her make up brushes so it looks like she is getting ready with us. But I and she don't really know what time that will be. I've bought us robes to get ready in and hangers for our dresses and was planning on doing presents and just having a general lovely time. I just feel really upset that they went behind my back and booked things when it's my wedding. She said that she's not been a bridesmaid before so didn't know what would happen and that she thought because my hair dresser couldn't fit her in for a trial on my trial day that she couldn't do it at the wedding. Is it the done thing for bridesmaids to even have trials? I know I'm being strong willed and maybe I shouldn't let the hair thing bother me as much as it is but I think it's because of everything that has gone on and I hate the fact that she is calling the shots on my big day. I hate the idea of not knowing what she'll look like. She was talking about having a 1920s look when our theme is quite bohemian and rustic x

I get that this is irritating for you, but to be honest i think you're also overthinking this now. Who cares if her hair is 1920s and not rustic? I know it's not perfect but nobody is going to give a fig about it. Don't get into a panic about her hair, there is absolutely no point in doing that and your time is much better spent trying to enjoy the lead up to the wedding rather than worrying about it.

Trust me - On the day you will not care about this!

Stop fretting about these details and try to enjoy yourself. You've got what you wanted and she's joining you in the morning. I'd leave it at that rather than getting all stressed out.

Thank you, I can see your point and am torn between my head and my heart. But I don't feel like I am getting what I want - I've had to change so many things to suit her along the way. I have bridesmaid dresses which I and my other bridesmaid would not have chosen, I've spent a lot of money on various trips to London to look for dresses which came to nothing, I've lost money on the hair dresser that I have paid for for our wedding hair. I just feel hurt with the ultimatum she gave me - I'll be your bridesmaid if I do things my own way. I personally just don't think bridesmaids should be like that. I offered to try and sort a trial with my hair dresser for her before the wedding so she feels comfortable before the day but she refused and said she doesn't want to let the hair dresser that she has booked down. I told her that is was upsetting me that she wouldn't be with us the night before and joining in with pre celebrations but she felt that cancelling the hair dresser was too harsh. It's just all really difficult and with 15 days to go, it's stress I don't want or need. It will get sorted I'm sure. Thanks for all your responses! x

Just a thought but could her hairdresser not meet you at your hotel?

x

I suggested that but she said no because the hair dresser she has booked has to go to work straight after or something? There's an excuse for every option I suggest x

If its causing you this much stress then just drop her. You're obviously upset by how much you've put yourself out for her, with no reciprocation from her. If you can ask her to just be a guest without causing too much drama then that's the route I'd go down. Even though she's never been a bridesmaid before, at her age I'd still expect her to have enough savvy to know what's expected of her.

Wow. This sounds just like my family. One week a way from my wedding and my mother and sister (who is mybridesmaid) are causing major issues over similar things too. Claiming they didnt know I'd organised bridesmaid bouquet and corsage for my mum.
Don't like my dress, don't like my makeup and hair choice yet neither have made any effort to help organise I thing. Didn't even make the effort to come dress shopping with me.
Now they want to call all the shots and are creating a horrid atmosphere. It's stressful enough with out immature self centred relatives.