Fallen out with bridesmaids - help!

Hi and welcome to hitched!!!

How did you all fall out????

As you live 150 miles apart then it would be quite hard to meet up with them. You say they are ignoring you, I guess it depends on what was said when you fell out.

I would give them a phone call, really if they don't want to be your bridesmaid then they should be saying!!! It would be silly on there part to wreck a friendship over a petty argument.

Weddings seem to cause drama - unfortunately!!!!

X

I guess it depends on how close your friendship really is and whether you really want them to be your bridesmaids or not. If you feel it would be awkward having them there, then don't worry. Just leave it and don't bother having any bridesmaids - lots of people don't these days and it's much less hassle and saves you a fortune! If you still want them as friends and want to make it up, then give them a ring and try and get things set in concrete so you know where you stand.

My bridesmaid was an absolute pain in the run up to our wedding and we didn't speak on the day and parted company straight after the wedding. I wish I hadn't bothered in the first place. Unfortunately, a lot of women find it hard not being the centre of attraction if only for one day - true friends will be honoured to be your bridesmaid!

Thank you for your replies.

We used to be very close, they are my oldest friends and MoH has been my best friend for almost 20 years but we've drifted apart since I moved away a few years ago. I guess I just hadn't realized just how much until we went away for my hen weekend.

Basically, they planned the whole weekend together (I had no idea what/where until we got there) and it was all about them/what they wanted. I'm quite quiet and shy, don't really drink and obviously they know that but they booked a weekend in Blackpool, fancy dress and just wanted to get drunk from 9am every morning! It was my idea of hell but I didn't want to seem ungrateful as they'd gone to a lot of trouble sorting it and were really excited etc, so I tried to make the best of it. The whole time I just felt really left out though, they were practically joined at the hip, shared a room and left me alone (just the 3 of us went), posting photos of the 2 of them on fb without me etc. It all came to a head on the second night as I wanted to go to bed at midnight and they said I was boring. We had a bit of an argument and I said I felt left out, they basically said tough luck and I went home upset. The next day we were going home and they just acted like nothing happened? But the conversation was stilted and awkward.

We've always been very different people but that didn't seem to matter when we were younger. Now I feel like I've maybe outgrown them and they are very close now so they don't need me anymore (i used to be the bridge between them). I'm just not sure what to do anymore. MoHs partner has been in touch with my other half (they are also friends) to arrange a hotel so as far as I know they are definitely still coming to the wedding but I've had no direct contact with her and she's not replied to any of my messages.

I feel like if they don't want to be bridesmaids they should just say and if that's the case then I don't want them to come at all!

They sound really selfish and a bit like 'mean girls' they've obviously used your hen as an excuse to have a 'fun' night out for themselves with no regard for what you would have enjoyed when it's supposed to be about you. I think rather than messaging them I would actually call them and try to get an answer that way.

It sounds like you are better off without them judging by how you said they treated you. I also think they are deliberately being awkward by not responding to your messages regarding the dresses. They probably know full well that they need to give you measurements!

If I were you, I would try calling them and actually speaking to them. If you still have no luck I wouldn't bother with them again - is there anyone else who could step in as bridesmaid? They are being extremely childish and it's very mean of them to behave like this and they are probably enjoying the fact that you are chasing them. Call their bluff and sod them!

I feel for you because I hate falling out with my friends. It makes me feel like a teenager dealing with school again and I didn't particularly enjoy my teens!

If I were you the last thing I would want to do is pick up the phone and call them but it really is the only thing to do. If nothing else you can speak to them one on one; it sounds like it may have been more of a two against one situation on your hen which won't have helped.

Just to play devil's advocate - is there any possibility they feel hurt because you didn't like what they had planned? I know you say you are quiet but might they have thought that on a hen do anything goes and that's how it's done? I'm not saying you were wrong to not like it just is there any chance they honestly got it wrong?

It's so awful to think about your BM's not being there on the day or not having any at all, but don't keep them as BM's at any cost, on the day you need people who have got your back.

I really hope you manage to sort it out.

Hi Firefly,

You certainly don't sound pathetic!

Have you thought about what you actually want?

You sound like you have a very similar personality to me. I normally have to play peace keeper and hate any sort of confrontation. I'd normally do anything to make sure everyone else was happy.

Your hen night sounds alot like mine. At the start of the evening I had a MoH and a bridesmaid. By the end of the evening I had just the MoH.

My bridesmaid acted like a spolit brat all evening and hated the fact she wasn't centre of attention. Got herself incredibly drunk (we went to the races so she really stuck out as noone else was that way) and then went about telling everyone including mine and oh mum that she didn't want to be bridesmaid and she was going to put me in my place!

That cemented it for me. I am not going to spend my wedding day worrying about the state she is going to get in because she clearly hasn't grown up. This is possibly the first time I found my back bone.

She hasn't apologised for her behaviour yet. I can cope with the fact she spoilt my hen but I will not let her spoil our wedding day.

Sorry for the rambling.

Our weddings are one of the few times we can be selfish and put ourselves first. If they haven't got the decency to get intouch with you when you have made the effort and have done nothing wrong then don't waste your energy worrying about them and what they want.

xx

Oh dear. What a horrible situation to be in. I think they sound pretty dreadful and not much like friends!

You really have to think carefully about what you want here. If the girls were quite happy to make you feel left out on your hen weekend, what makes you think your wedding day will be any different? It sounds as though they are very close to each other and these things do happen over the years when your lives move in different directions but if they can't even put you first on your weekend then I'm not sure they're the best people to have with you on your special day.

I do think it would be best to call and speak to them ASAP - I understand that it'll be a difficult conversation, but I think it's a necessary one. If you get the impression they're not sorry or don't think they've done anything wrong, I think you have to consider where your friendship is now and if you want to carry on with it.

Have you made friends where you have moved to? Is there anyone there that might be happy to step in to be a BM at short notice if they know what's happened?

I wish you luck in sorting it out xx

I think I would feel the same as you. Left out and unimportant. Your hen night should be about you having fun with friends and doing what you would like to do. If I was in your situation, I would call each of them, one straight after the other so they can't confer in between calls and explain to them that you really felt left out and although you appreciate them arranging a hen night, it wasn't your cup of tea. Ask them if they feel they can be there for you during the planning process and on the actual day, if they hesitate or say no, then that's the end. If they are remorseful and enthusiastic about helping you plan and looking after you on the day, and you feel confident that they will come through for you, then get their measurements. It's your wedding, so you need to be surrounded by people who love you and support you, not people who are just looking for a party to go to.

I wish you luck!!

x

They sound pathetic & immature! If it was me i would just say 'you have been ignornung my messages since the hen do. Do you still wanna be my bridesmaid or not?' simple! You need an answer. This close to your wedding you cannot be mucked about!