Falling out with Mum over wedding party

Firstly,I'm really sorry. This sounds unnecessarily stressful when you've very obviously tried to mitigate the issue already. Aside from your mother, it seems like everyone is on the same page: your older niece has no interest in being centre of attention and you didn't ask her to be in the wedding party.

All I can suggest is getting your headspace away from your family (particularly your mother) for the next few weeks and keep planning the wedding that you want. I would also politely ask your sister to leave it alone as that 'gossiping' clearly hasn't been helpful. If you have to communicate about wedding things - stick to factual answers and limit what you need to say to them right now.

Just try to breathe, look for some headspace and hopefully as the weather starts getting better and people soak up some vitamin D, they'll come to their senses. x

Your mother's behaviour is way out of line. I suggest something like the following: "Mum, I've already spoken to brother about this - niece is uncomfortable having any kind of role that will focus attention on her, so it would be unkind to expect her to be bridesmaid. I am not going to put a 12 year old under that kind of pressure, so please stop asking me to."

And shut down any further attempts to discuss.

You are not being horrible or selfish or a bad person! Please don't let that be the takeaway here. This is other people's expectations and actions that unfortunately clash with your own desires for your wedding. It's up to them, not you, to get on board with what's happening. I kind of get the impression that the overboard behaviour is probably because your mum feels like this is maybe making up for lack of a more formal setting for your sister? My family are probably feeling the same about my twin brother who eloped last year and are therefore chucking way more energy at my wedding, but we're all too happy to oblige as we've not seen any parents or siblings since 2019 (except my mum, but it's still been 12 months). Is this typical behaviour of your mum, or do you think it's lockdown stircrazies mixed with her daughter's big day?

If your niece was desperate to be a bridesmaid then yes, it might be kind to have her as one, even though it wouldn't be your first choice. But you've already been told by her father that she is a very shy person who hates doing anything that makes her the centre of attention. So what would be selfish would be asking her/expecting her to be bridesmaid while knowing that she would hate it!

My mother and some other people tried loads of emotional blackmail in the run up to our wedding, including claiming that they wouldn't come if x y or z didn't happen. My response was always "we're sorry you don't feel able to attend but we respect your decision". Funny how people always backed down after that!