Family 🙄

Your story makes me feel so sad for you!

One of my sisters sounds a little similar to your mum. If she were doing this to me, I would be seriously considering whether she meant enough to me to have to cut out a huge chunk of my family. Honestly... I think I would choose more of my extended family over her!! Obviously it’s different being your mum. But I guess that might be a helpful question for you to ask yourself: considering how your mum behaves (and it sounds like she is regularly difficult), would you rather she was there over a lot of other family’s members?

Also... is there the possibility that you will have another’s disagreement before the wedding and she will decide not to attend anyway? If so, it might be a good idea to invite the other family member?

I know this is really hard, especially with a mother, but you need to set some boundaries - right now!

For a start, I would not let her pay for the dress or come with you when you shop for a dress. You already know that she is going to be negative and critical about this whole experience, so don't put yourself through it. You may not be able to afford such an expensive dress without her help, but at least it will be the dress of your choice, and bought without a load of negativity and drama tainting the experience.

I would also take a firm stand on the invite list. Invite both your mother and the guest she dislikes. If mother says she won't come, your response should be "I'm really sorry to hear this, Mum, I will be very sad if you don't come to my wedding. But it is your choice whether you come or not." Because it totally is. The only thing that will be preventing her attending is her own bad attitude. And that's not something you should be responsible for.

Don't let other people's bad behaviour control your own actions. Expect her to kick off more than usual when you first start boundary-setting. People who have been used to bullying and walking all over other people for years tend to react badly the first time they find they can't anymore. But if you stand firm, eventually she will realise that you are going to keep those boundaries in place.

You need to have good firm boundaries to protect the health of your future marriage anyway, so now is a really good time to start.

(And I'm speaking as someone who has had terrible trouble with my own mother in the past, so I know from experience how tough it can be - sending hugs & best wishes x)