Family difference

Honestly I think I agree with your fiancé. While clearly you haven’t intentionally done anything wrong, I would be livid if my fiancé organised a birthday party the day before our wedding.

Also, as a fellow teacher who is also getting married in the holidays (tomorrow, in fact!), I can tell you right now that the couple of weeks leading up to the wedding are absolutely exhausting! I’ve got my immediate family coming to stay at mine tonight and honestly right now even that is feeling like a lot as I’m not home from work yet. My advice would be to keep pre-wedding events as low-key as possible, but I understand this might not be the same for you.

Either way, you and your fiancé need to get on the same page because you both deserve to have the celebration you want.

I can see both points of view - for me 'immediate family' would be parents and siblings, not cousins, friends etc. But I know that in many cultures, 'immediate family' has a much wider interpretation, so I think you have just had a misunderstanding over the definition of the phrase.

I'm a bit concerned that he has got so angry with you about this though. It's ok to disagree, but flying off the handle is another thing entirely. Does he often do this?

Also, have you spent any time talking through your cultural differences and your expectations for the future? It can be a huge adjustment for any couple, but the adjustment tends to be even bigger when you are both from different backgrounds, because what you each assume is 'normal' or 'common' can be totally different!

If you haven't done already, I'd really encourage you to do some marriage prep. You can get some courses online now, and they tend to look at things like your expectations around family, finance, celebrations (Christmas, birthday etc). My husband and I found it really helpful to talk through our differing views and work out compromises where we disagreed.

In one way, it's maybe good that this has cropped up now, because every couple has to work out ways of compromising and disagreeing well, so I guess it's better to deal with it now than after the wedding.

I hope you manage to resolve this quickly and happily. Best wishes xxx

I agree with a lot of the above. It sounds to me like a miscommunication. I have a feeling you both have different ideas what a 'close family gathering' actually means.

Personally, my views are more aligned with your partner. If this is a rehearsal dinner then that should be parents and wedding party. Aunties, Uncles and Cousins are extended family and wouldn't normally go to a rehearsal dinner. This should really be about you and your partner and not your birthday. Its your last night to enjoy each others company before the big day and honestly you are gonna need a chill evening. Its harder to see when you are far out from your wedding, but I am only 7 weeks away from mine and I have the final details coming through and the thought of a big gathering the night before the wedding day sounds horrific to me. There is so much to think about the night before, it really needs to be less of big party.

Obviously you still want to celebrate your birthday, so why not do it on a different day and separate the birthday from the rehearsal dinner? At the end of the day your birthday should be all about you, but your rehearsal dinner should be about both of you and I feel mixing the two takes that "togetherness" aspect away and basically focuses the whole thing on you. Your partner may be feeling a bit left out.

Alternatively, if you cannot agree on size of this, why not change it completely? Have a special birthday with just the two of you and plan something intimate and romantic. You can enjoy your birthday and savour that special time the night before the wedding.