Family dispute

I think they've behaved APPALLINGLY and feel really sorry for you with family who can treat you like that!!! How about you write a letter to them explaining everything? I wouldn't tho, personally I'd stuff 'em and have my wedding with people who appreciate me!

That's terrible. I would be inclined to think stuff them and carry on as I was but it depends if you don't want to make things awkward for your parents who may see these family members more than you. Are you talking uncles, aunties, cousins?

I think the letter is a good idea, not that you should have to justify yourself but if only to make them feel small and lay on the guilt trip

It's a tough one but sadly not uncommon - people think they know better than you how you should have your wedding.

Have you ever been close to your family? If not, then I'd say stuff 'em, get on with your life and concentrate on your forthcoming wedding - and forget them. You don't need people like that in your life.

How have his family taken the idea of a small wedding?

Why do your family consider a small wedding 'a joke'? How long have you been together? What were they like when you announced your engagement?

They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family - but sometimes practicalities like cost and venue size mean you can't invite all and sundry to your wedding. If your family is like most then apart from a few there will be loads of cousins, aunties, second cousins and 'in laws' that you barely even see or don't bother to send cards to at christmas.

At the end of the day which is more important, sucking up to please some ungrateful people that would probably not bother to come wherever you had it, or you and your partner getting marrried?

Omg that is horrible, why would some one do that? its your big day and you are inclined to have it your way regardless what other people think hun, the day is about you and your H2B no on else. i do hope you manage to sort everything out.

Karina xx

That's awful, and I'm so sorry they've made you question the wedding you have obviously so carefully planned.

I assume your friends and H2B's family still intend on coming? And you mention your parents. My advice would be this:

Ignore the family members who have behaved childishly - don't respond to them, don't let them become aware of how much it has hurt and upset you. YOU are the proper grown up here, rise above it and let them be childish. Go ahead with the wedding as you have planned it. Take the upper hand and let your parents know (in case they are questioned) that of COURSE those people who were invited, are still invited (a/ nothing will infuriate them more, b/ I'd be willing to bet that some of those relatives would love to come but have been swept alone in the 'family boycott' and will change their minds when it calms down and c/ it gives you the moral high ground)

When it comes to the big celebration, still invite those petty people. Don't mention it - tempting as it may be - to many other guests; but don't cover for them or be too gracious if you are asked directly about it.

How far away is the wedding? xx

Agree with everything said above, that is awful behaviour. You deserve better people than that at your wedding!

Truly dreadful behaviour. I am amazed. They don't deserve respect or understanding. Don't worry about creating a rift by continuing with your plans regardless, THEY are the ones who have already created the rift. Not only would I not worry them not attending my wedding, I wouldn't care about not seeing them again full stop.

FTLOMB has summed it up nicely.

I know its easier said than done, I have been through this as well. I shed many a tear and had many a sleepless night. Then I really thought about it and decided at the end of the day it's all about me & my OH whoever is happy for us great, who ever isnt then screw them

That is appalling behaviour and they haven't given a single thought about your feelings. If you choose to change your plans to make them happy then they win so I personally would have the day you and your OH want.

We are only having a small ceremony for close family followed by a medium party in the evening mainly due to budget. We found it hard choosing members of the family to come to the ceremony and were always putting their feelings first until a friend said to us one day you are paying for this it is your special day do not let anyone ruin it. She also said that if people were that upset by only being invited to the evening reception to give them the option of coming to the ceremony but that they would have to pay for their own meal. It is hard trying to please everyone but it is YOUR DAY so put yourself first. x

WSS - I dont think I could try to reason with people that think my wedding is a joke !!!

How awful for you !!

Do you have any idea what it is about your wedding that makes them think "it's a joke"?

Thanks for all of the comments. I did write to the first auntie that had expressed (indirectly- through the bitching grapevine) that she was going to boycott. I explained why we had done it the way we had and that their attendance was very important to us. However, I got a message back which centred around how upset they were not to be invited to the ceremony with a further refusal to come along. It therefore seems fairly pointless to write to any more. I also sent a message to a cousin asking why they were all doing this, but I got a response which said something along the lines that they couldn't be bothered to discuss this and that I should just have a nice life.

I have even asked my auntie to look at the comments on this wall to try to consider things from our perspective but I doubt she would have given it a second thought, she responded to my request to do that saying that her invite went straight in the bin (without apparently being read) and that she had only one word to describe me, which was selfish.

My parents are both disgusted by the actions of my family and fully support me. They have made it clear to this side of the family that they are no longer welcome.

Interestingly neither my dad's side of the family, nor either side of my H2B's family have any issue with the way we have done things. We have people on his side of the family who coming what will probably be an 8 or 9 hour drive each way who haven't taken issue with the lack of a ceremony invite.

I am trying to to think positively and appreciate that this is a family that really aren't worth having. The good news is that as this is a wedding-- I am acquiring a whole new set of aunts and uncles- that appear to be perfection reasonable and rational, and who appreciate that although we want them there- our wedding day doesn't focus entirely on them. Also, on the bright side, the catering costs have come down! Looking forward to a wedding day surrounded by the people who truly care about me and my future hubby.

This is, I think, very important. The last thing you need is for your parents to secretly agree and tacitly sanction their actions. Thank goodness you have their support.

Well done though. It's not worth worrying about - they haven't accorded your feelings any worry so dust yourself down and get on with planning a fabulous wedding!

I feel for you, we had a similar issue but my family were humble enough to back down. I phoned my aunt when they hadn't rsvp'd 2 days before the deadline (having heard through gossip they were thinking of not coming) and confronted her. I did dress it up like an apology but she knew I was fuming.

I took the attitude that people who were happy for us and supported us were welcome but if they didn't want to be there and weren't going to enjoy it they could eff off! You don't need their petty behaviour on your day!

Just one other quick thought. You mentioned that you had told your Aunt about this thread and asked her to have a look at it - if you continue to use Hitched I suggest you change your user name as she will now know what it is. Last thing you want is unpleasant relatives spying on your planning...

If they don't want to come to your 'joke of a wedding' then frankly I think you're better off without them. Don't change any of your plans. They are the ones with the problem, let them stew and deal with it. I wouldn't want them there after that response!

That is awful, so sorry you've had to go through this.

My mum comes from a very large catholic family and when she got engaged to my dad (church of scotland) in 1979 my parents decided to get married in the local registry office, with only the 2 sets of parents and 2 witnesses there - her parents were very happy for her.

My papa was a very accepting, quiet and fair man that my mum adored, but one day she came home to find him out in his greenhouse very sad. He had received a letter from his whole catholic family advising that they thought it was disgraceful that his daughter was being married in this way and they would certainly not be attending 'a party to celebrate her giving up her faith'. Mum was upset but only for her daddy, not for them.

The morning of the wedding my mum received a phone call from my dad telling her that his own mum was now refusing to come to the wedding unless his 2 brothers and the older brothers wife got invited to the ceremony. She ended up saying that they could go even though this meant that her own 4 brothers and sisters were left outside while they attended but at this stage of the day etc what else could she do. (and of course her own family were aware of the pressure that had been put on her)

I'm so glad your parents are supporting you. I am having a smallish wedding and very few of my millions of cousins will be invited, and none of their kids will be, this has caused me no end of worrying about how they'll take it but my parents are sending out the invites and are more than happy to field off any upset guests, but they personally don't foresee any problems.

You're most definately better off without those ungrateful selfish neeps there *hugs*

Family disputes are the pits (I know all about this as well). I would carry on regardless. This wedding is about you marrying your husband, not pleasing other people. They'll be the ones that miss out. The fact that you have your parent's support is great. Sending you big hugs x

Your wedding will not be a 'joke', that's a vile thing to say. No-one is automatically entitled to an invitation to the ceremony or the party! Anyone reasonable would accept that even the simplest wedding can still cost a lot, and even if cost isn't a big issue lots of people prefer a small ceremony anyway, and that is UP TO THE COUPLE! An invite to a big party afterwards sounds pretty good to me.

Scrunching up your invites and posting them back is just horrendous.

You will have a fantastic day with your parents and friends, they're the ones you need there (oh and your bloke as well of course!) and the opinions of such a nasty bunch really truly will not matter on the day or for the rest of your married life.

P x

Still picking my jaw up off the floor at her calling YOU selfish. Did she look in the mirror?! What gives any of them the impression that they have a God given right to an invitation to your ceremony? She's essentially saying to you "you owe me a £50 meal (for example) because we happen to be related to the same people." Stuff them. You have everybody there that is important to you, and your wedding is anything but a joke. Your "family" is the joke. Don't change a thing, except maybe your Christmas card list.