Family feud - should I invite?

I didn't want to invite mr winters sister. i loathe this woman with a passion and if she turned up i'd leave. but eventually i was worn down (his mums cancer took a turn for the worse and MY mum said i had to invite the sister as this may be the last big family thing), so i relented as far as evening- i just couldn't bring myself to a full day. the happiest day of my life thus far was mr winter getting a decline text from her.

i wish i'd never put the envelope in the post- i just got lucky with her declining. if you really don't want these people there and it won't cause a HUGE rift, stick to your guns xxx

Mine isn't a family feud as such, but I don't want to invite a woman I've known all my life who was my mum's best friend. In recent years, since my brother died, she's treated my mum horribly and my mum was really upset by the whole thing. Recently they've started to rebuild some bridges, but I just don't trust her not to let my mum down again. So, I've made a decision to not make a decision until the day I put the invites in the post - I'm making her two - one for the day, one for the evening and I know I'm going to stand there at the post box with them both in my hands and dither. In the end, I'm going with my gut - if she makes a real attempt to put things right with mum, it'll be the day invite, if she makes some attempt but could do better, it'll be the evening one. It may be neither of course, but I think at the end of the day that's the only way to make the decision.

At the end of the day, it's your wedding and entirely up to you who you invite - you can always claim a numbers issue if it threatens to cause trouble and invite them only to the evening. Either way, good luck and let us know what you decide!

x

It's not stooping, it's not being nasty. It's plain and simple, when writing your guest list, ask yourself, for each and every person "Do I want to share my day with them?" If the answer is no, then don't invite them. Wedding politics infuriate me!!! ?

In your shoes it seems quite straightforward to me and I wouldn't invite the brothers but would invite the aunt but I think you need to look at the bigger picture, is this going to cause your mum more grief and nastiness if you don't invite them?

I'm in the same position, and will not be inviting either of my uncles on my mums side.

At the end of the day, if you wouldn't invite them if they were not related to you, why should them sharing DNA mean that they automatically get an invite after the way they have acted?!

Hi Mustard Mitt and others

This is a really difficult situation and from most other people I've spoken to (about my guestlist issue) it seems everyone has issues in some way.

In my situation although there's been no real fallings out in the family, I have a large family and a lot of extended family. The problem is about 3/4 i see a fair bit and the remainder I don't...so to me it seemed simple, invite the ones who you like and see. Obviously with Weddings it's never that simple! I've had lengthy discussions with my mum (it's her side) about why they should be invited and not etc etc and eventually we agreed it seemed ok to only invite some to the night do. There were a couple of people however (partners) that I really didn't want to invite. Not because there was an issue with them but because they don't have much to do wtih family gatherings (or me) and therefore I felt it seemed daft to invite them over some people who had been demoted to the evening only list just because they weren't family (but they actually care more about me than them!) - and i said i would ensure that i will never invite someone to the day do over someone else that I was closer to so they were struck off the day list. However, having spoken to my mum again I realised that this would actually cause family politics issues for her and she would be upset, and unfortunatley this is not my mum's fault, or mine, it's those in the family that make others feel guilty when then shouldn't. There's always people that suprise you in a bad way (and others in good obviously but were not talking about that) unfortunatley. But i think if your mum is willing to give it a go and that's what she wants then perhaps it dserves some more discussion and I'd see it more as doing what will help and support your mum rather than what your uncles may think. If they decide to come then someone needs to speak to them about their behaviour if you're worried. But on the birghtside if they decide not to come, you don't have to worry, you're mum won't worry that you haven't invited them and also your mum will probably feel as though that was the last chance she wants to give them.

If I'd have seen this message a few months a go (when guestlist was still under negotition lol) then I probably would have answered differently. But the more I speak to my mum the more i realise what a special day it will be for her too, so we came to that compromise.

Hope that helps. Sorry it goes on a bit, it's complicated to explain.

PS maybe you could just invite them to the night do

xxx

Both me and my OH have had family problems over the years, I too cant believe some of the things people can say to each other. We both sat down and discussed who we wanted to spend the day with and came up with our lists. I havent sent our invites out yet however will probably send evening invites to those other family members. Do what feels right to you and your fiancé.

I can understand how you might be worried about the fall out of not inviting them but there is already an issue.

You're not stooping to their level if you don't invite them. I'm sure most people would understand the reasoning behind it.

It's your wedding & you should invite (and not invite) who you want. But also, it's a big day for your mum too, it would be horrible if her brothers went and ruined it for her.

You need to do what is best for you and your OH no one else. I know it may seem harsh but trust me you are never going to please everyone and I know! Plus personally i have seen a few people's true colour come out in wedding planning, it has been shocking at times.

I have only invited 3 out of 5 aunts to the day because i am not close to the other two and probably see them once a year, well this went down like a lead balloon, at one point they were refusing the evening "only" invite, well they were lucky to be invited at all with that attitude. My mum wasnt thrilled at my choice either but i apologied and said it was the final choice. They are now coming to the evening after being talked around, so so silly in my eyes, you should be grateful to be apart of any of the day and you certainly should feel "entitled" to any part. (sorry rant over, still annoys me)

If i was in your position i wouldn't invite them at all, i understand its hard with your mum but for my OH and myself we want to surround ourself with people who love and care for us, not people we have had to invite.

Good luck, i feel for you.

Thanks for all the replies. It's a really touchy subject in our family, I just don't want my mum hurt more than she already has been and, as always, she is lovely to the end by saying I should try to build bridges with them. This is part of the problem though, my mum has always forgiven their comments and indiscretions in the past and put it down to "boys being boys". It was almost like she felt if she was nice to them, they'd change and be nice to her but they just got more and more cruel. That's what made it worse.

I'm going to give it some real thought and discuss is further with my mum and OH but to be honest I'm just thinking I'd rather they not even know I'm getting married in the first place. Like I said, they don't speak to me (and haven't done for many years) and I think it'd just cause more problems inviting them than not. So unless they start apologising and building their own bridges with her in the next year or so, then I don't think it's my responsibility to right their wrongs.

And if they do have anything to say about it, they can call me, not her.