Family feuds - refusing to come to certain parts of the day

This is a sucky situation!!

I think my response to them would depend on what the family feud was all about... If it was something that I just couldn't understand or thought wasn't a big deal, then I'd probably tell them that if they can't get over it for a wedding day, not to bother coming.

If it was a serious situation and I could understand the points of view of people who were not wanting to attend the whole thing, then I'm not sure what I would say! Maybe that I could understand their feelings, but it would mean a lot to me that they attended and even just part of the day would be better than them not attending at all. Possibly just trying to persuade them that they should attend the whole thing and everything will be okay (and then prime all of the bridesmaids, groomsmen and the rest that they need to keep certain people apart).

I hope you get this sorted

Eek, is it really that bad between them that they can't put their feelings aside for 1 day for you? :/ That aside, I'd think about who I really can't see my day without. If they're people that you're inviting because you feel you have to I'd say don't invite them at all. Having said that, not sure of your family dynamic and how they'd feel about being uninvited.

I would politely tell them that the invitation is for the whole event - they don't get to pick and choose which bits they come to, so if they are not coming to all of it, you will give their seat to someone else.

That's the usual rule, but it's different under Covid regulations - because guests are limited, you can specify who comes. It depends on where OP is living and at what stage restrictions on numbers are lifted in her area. (I'm assuming that this is the issue with guests only attending the service - under normal circumstances, most churches would have room to fit in a few extras for the service, but now numbers are so tightly restricted, you can have a church that is only 'quarter full' that is at maximum capacity for social distancing)

View quoted message Thanks everyone!
It’s just so much to think about - including invites - if I send them one even though I know some of them are saying church only. I may only have a virtual invite for others (b list). Plus like you say, if it is a case by July that the Church can only have a certain amount of guests - it could really end up a logistical nightmare. It would be one set of guests for the ceremony, one set for drinks reception onwards (with a few that couldn’t come to the ceremony due to numbers)

Aarrrghhh I don’t know what to do. Invites are going out this week. I just want to prepare myself with a reply to those saying church only - which isn’t an option on the all day invite - it tells them the church Time and reception to follow.
I have had one already ring and tell me- but then was like still send me an invite. So I could start the trend of telling him actually I’m not going to send you an invite as you have told me you aren’t coming and due to numbers, I will have to let you know if there is room in the church for you, as we are now replacing you for the wedding breakfast etc. Is that harsh of me?

View quoted message Sadly it isn’t something I can tell them to get over! Any family occasion normally ends up
In a physical fight! So in a way I am glad some people are choosing not to come however sad it feels.
I kind of understand their point of view! However I am someone who doesn’t have a temper etc and I don’t understand how grown adults can not control themselves in public and at a special formal occasion especially!

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Whilst I do have a bit of a temper, I’m with you on not understanding how adults can’t control themselves!! Especially at a happy occasion like a wedding. It does make you wonder how they’ll behave at a funeral...

I guess, in your case, I’d probably not bother inviting them if they won’t come to the whole thing. I suppose they aren’t direct family but extended, like aunts/uncles? If it were closer relatives, I’d let them come to only what they were comfortable with. Otherwise, I’d not invite them at all and invite people who will come and help you enjoy your day!

It’s all so complicated (and constantly changing) at the moment, but my understanding is that only the 30 who come to the wedding can then come to the reception. I believe with COVID rules that you can’t swap out, say 15 of them for a different 15 for the next part of the day. Those 15 new people would just fall into normal rules. With the new rules that come in next week in England at least any combination of 30 would be ok outside, but if your reception is inside I don’t think you’d be allowed to do that.

Because of that (if my interpretation that you’re not looking for an enforced micro wedding) my take on it would be that to have atmosphere in the latter part of your celebrations you want your full 30 people, so guests come all day, or not at all. I wouldn’t let some dictate that you give them one of your really valuable ‘places’ for part of it, then leave you with lots of empty seats and just a handful of people to celebrate with.

I have had this exact situation kick off with my sisters this week. One refusing to come if the other comes - my response was 'well that is your decision; please bare in mind that I am not uninviting you and you are letting your problem drive your decision on this - other sister will be civil/avoid interaction but if you cannot swallow your issues to be there for me then that's on you not me or other sister'

Its a very narcissistic trait to hold someone hostage over the narcists emotions and decisions ; but ultimately it is their decision. Hopefully they will calm down nearer the day - but if they dont i'd rather older sister doesn't attend because frankly I'd feel like i was walking on eggshells all day and I want to enjoy my day.

If someone wants to cut off their nose to spite their face - let them - at the end of the day it's their face that's mangled not yours ! They'll see all the social media posts and blame everyone but themselves for their absence.

With family like that, I'd be grateful for them 'uninviting' themselves. The last thing you want is a fight at your wedding!

I 100% agree you can refuse to send an invite to someone who has already said they won't attend the whole day. Just explain to them that due to Covid, numbers are limited, so you have to prioritise those who are able to attend the whole day. (At least Covid gives you a good reason for this!) Hopefully, this will also mean you end up with only those guests who are prepared to put supporting you on your special day ahead of any family feuds they may have.