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Curious June 2023 Oxfordshire

Family History

Rebecca, 19 June, 2022 at 16:13 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 5
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Hello, looking for a sense check I think. To sum up, I've hesitated to invite my father and his mother to the wedding for different reasons. With my father I'm hoping there might be hope to build the relationship up again off the back of history of mental and physical abuse with my mother and the treatment of my stepmother that he is now divorced from... But also has mental ill health.


My grandmother however took my mother to court many years ago because she wanted to see me at specific times so that she could go to her holiday home, which then meant me coming out of extra curricular classes. She won after my mum couldn't afford the legal expenses anymore but I also recall hateful comments and messages that my grandmother used to get me to relay back to my mother's side. I'm less inclined to want to build this relationship back up. Since sending out save the dates, one of my uncles has messaged me asking where her invite is and after calling him to explain, he has said that he, along with my cousin are no longer going to come as she's not invited. This has really upset me and appreciate there's different sides to things but feel like it's really gone a step backwards in family relations.

5 replies

Latest activity by Rebecca, 20 June, 2022 at 21:38
  • A
    Dedicated July 2022 Co Londonderry
    Ali312 ·
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    That sounds stressful. I would say invite who you want there and don't get pressured inviting people that you don't want around on the day. I think it's really bad form from your uncle to 1. Ask for an explanation why such and such isn't invited to an event you're planning. 2. Issue what's essentially an ultimatum and put you in an uncomfortable situation.


    Give yourself time to recover from the stress and just don't invite people you don't want there. Likewise if your uncle isn't coming as a result, well, his loss! I know from experience that sometimes you might think oh, well I don't want to make relationships within the family worse etc, so I'll just invite everyone, but it's your wedding, don't compromise! Just my opinion Smiley smile
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  • A
    Savvy August 2022 Greater Manchester
    Anna ·
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    I'm truly sorry that you are having to go through this. Wedding planning is stressful enough without family causing problems. You're never going to please everyone so I would just do what you want. The day should be about you and your husband to be. It's hard, but if this was me I wouldn't want those family members there for the way they are acting. They are making the day about them rather than you.


    I think you should also consider how much it would really impact you if the relationship with said family member was lost. If your uncle is being this way, are you really as close as you think? In your whole lifetime will it really matter whether he is in it or not? I know it sucks, but ultimately its better to have a smaller circle of loving friends and family than a large circle of distant entitled people.
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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Invite the people you want at your wedding - the ones you can count on to be supportive and loving.

    If your relationship with your grandmother is difficult, then I think it is very wise not to invite her - if she genuinely wants to rebuild the relationship with you, then she will be willing to do so after the wedding.

    As for the uncle & cousin who are now refusing to come, they have done you a favour. People who use emotional blackmail to get their own way are not the kind of people you want around you on your wedding day.

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  • G
    Curious October 2022 North Yorkshire
    Georgie ·
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    Of the people you invite to your wedding, the ones who really want to be there will make sure they attend. For the rest, if they choose not to attend because of some slightly misplaced sense of loyalty in this situation, that is their prerogative.
    We had a similar threat with my OH’s family because we didn’t want to invite a cousin’s boyfriend who we’d never met. My response was basically “if it means more to you that he is there than watching us get married, then that is absolutely fine - we have other people we’d really like to invite if you can’t make it.”
    Maybe harsh, but if they care more about extending a family rift than celebrating something so special, let them, and don’t worry about them anymore. (I do genuinely know this is all a lot easier said than done).
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  • R
    Curious June 2023 Oxfordshire
    Rebecca ·
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    Thank you all so much for this advice, it's really helped put things into perspective for me. On reflection it might have helped raising it a long long time ago but didn't want to make anything of it (and I was a child)... Then comes along wedding planning.
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