Family Issues!

I feel for you I really do! We are not speaking to HTB’s mum and stepdad after a helluva ding dong six months ago, basically they are vile emotional bullies who didn’t like it when we stood up to them. I am lucky to come from a very close, caring and supportive family who have helped us every step of the way but I still feel for my HTB, as, horrible as they are, it still isn’t nice to feel effectively abandoned by your family.

The best advice I can give is have a real heart-to-heart with your HTB, if he isn’t that bothered about including them then save yourself the stress of keep trying to please them! Traditionally, the bride’s family IS more involved with planning than the grooms obviously but still there is no need for them to be so rude!

Don’t lose sight of the fact that you are planning your day for you, don’t get drawn into a competition with his sister, and don’t compromise your plans one inch!

I would get H2B to tell them that they are hurting his feelings and he realises they may not mean to but could they please consider how it makes HIM feel ! You don't want to be getting the blame or it will set the tone for your marriage. That said if his sister is so insecure that she has to " outdo " you on everything then it says more about her. It is a wedding not a marriage don't lose sight of what really matters xxxxx

It's not going to be easy and to be honest there's not going to be anyway of changing how they all behave, but it's going to be easier if you and your h2b are supporting each other & it's not affecting your relationship.

My mil2b was totally silent about our wedding for a while after we announced our engagement & set a date. My sil2b did happen to say she was scared to say anything, so it ended up with h2b mentioning it to her - her reason was that her daughters day had been their day and that as the groom's parents it was their job to just turn up on the day !! She has since been to a wedding fayre with me & they have put some money towards the wedding, but to this day she still won't ask about the wedding, i have to bring it up first.

The only ting i'd probably say is that at least they aren't insisting on your wedding being a certain way or including people you don't know, they aren't commenting in any way or interfering. Your sil2b will probably at some point realise that maybe her mother is the biggest pain in the bum (and maybe wish she'd had a smaller wedding without the interference, like you & h2b).

I'd be inclined to just not include them at all though, if they aren't interested then don't waste your time and energy trying to prove anything to them. It's your day!!!

If the MIL2B has the cheek to say that her own son's wedding day isn't important then I'd be really tempted to not even invite them at all, how dare she be so awful about her own child!

I really hope you don't let this ruin your day, and the daughter's wedding sounds like it's just going to be a showing off party, your wedding will actually be about you, your OH and your new life together, some people just lose sight of that - don't become one of those people and you'll have the better day

xxx

Thank you for the advice, its good to get some opinions from people who are a little removed from the situation, i'm feeling a little calmer about it all now x x x

How awful for you starlight. Well what horrible people! Well carry on without them, dont ask them for any help or advice. After the speaches make sure you dont thank them or buy them any gifts, but tell everyone about how helpful the people who have contributed have been. They will get minimal attention on the day, and a little snub should be enough to make them realise and everyone else. Good luck and hope everything works out.

Lucky for me my man is a proper mummy's boy, but his mum is lovely and giving us lots of help and support, which is great as my mum is 120 miles away so cant be around to do all the normal mumsy stuff.

I think you need to remind them that YOU are someone's daughter too!!! FFS, people are so effin insensitive...? My friend had a similar problem with her MIL. She wouldn't help out with her kids at all but had her SIL's kids all the damn time. How can people possibly care more about one child than another?

It makes me really appreciate mine and H2B's family as they are relatively normal!

Just remember what your day is about You and YOUR HUSBAND, it's not a competition and so what if her wedding is bigger than yours? Doesn't mean she's happier. There is a nice poem about comparing your life to others called "Desiderata" and something I always refer to when I start making comparisons to my friends (who al have kids, better jobs, bigger houses, nicer cars than me).

Desiderata: Maybe ask your SIL to read it at the ceremony?

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

"Desiderata" is a lovely poem. My mum has a copy framed somewhere. Definitely ask SIL2B to read it *grins wickedly*!

Nail on head. Some people (including my own pending hateful spiteful nasty MIL) need to wind their neck in & think about other people instead of thinking the world owes them & revolves around them.

I havent spoke to or seen her in nearly 6 weeks now - and whilst in the background she is still being a bi*ch (getting her outift the week before I was going shopping with my mum for hers, buying OH a valentines gift etc). My parents are furious & feel that she is trying to 'hit out' at them too now.

I feel better for not seeing her & not taking part in her messed up soap opera that she is trying to create.

All you & your OH can do is look after yourselves & out each other first - and if that means distancing certain people - family or not- from your life so you both are happy so be it.

I wish you all the best - its a horrible horrible situation but time really does make things easier / less painful / more bearable.

Thanks for all your messages. I love 'Desiderata', may have to include a copy for SIL and M/FIL, they proberly still wouldn't get the message. Im' trying to distance myself and let everything they do/ don't do wash over me, It's really hard that people so close to my H2B can be so hurtful and its starting to ruin my feelings about planning the wedding which I have been looking forward to forever!!! lol I'm trying think every time they do something to just be grateful to my mum who has been great at helping and giving advise wwithout interfering so I'm lucky on that score, trying to think about the good things, like the in-laws live about 100miles away!

Thanks for all your help/messages