feeling gutted!

I'd feel gutted if I was you!! I understand it would bring back memories but surely she can put them aside and be there for your big day. I think you should just ask her to explain a bit more as to why she feels she can't come, other than the obvious reason.

In my honest opinion she needs some harsh words to bring her back into the real world and a huge hug afterwards to show your not trying to be mean, just real! Some places are always going to remind you of things you don't want to admit or remember but you can't just stop doing them, or going there.

My mom and dad got married in the church we have chosen, and my dad has since left my mom for her sister in law and despite this, both Mom, Dad (and stepmom) will be there, in the church on our big day. Simularly my friend also married there in July of 2007 and sadly seperated from her then husband August 2008 following some very sad circumstances and is still currently single (and almost certainly will be in 7 months) and yet she will also be there on the day - I asked if it was a problem and she said "It's your big day, I won't be thinking of anything but the two of you".

I def agree with Kayl - you could explain how sad it would be for the both of you that she would miss your day because of it.

Good luck

Oh how sad, maybe if you explained that you completely understand where she's coming but having her there would mean a lot to you, maybe she could change her mind, i do not think your being selfish at all. She should put her feeling aside just for one day, i could understand if it was a recent break but 10 years.....? She should be ok now surely.

Good Luck x

We're also getting married in the church that H2B's parents got married and they have since split. They were both fine about it, after we discussed it with them.

I agree with what Kayl said. I think you need to sit down and explain how you feel.

Imglad you agree with my initial response which is basically 'suck it up!'. She is sooooo down all the time now and life has completely lost its sparkly for her which frustrates the hell out of me as she is a lovely person and so needs a kick up the back side to get back out there! My usual response is the harsh smack in the face followed by a big squeezing hug but im going to have to wait til i next see her to do that. I may just not reply on FB and instead just ask her when she's free for coffee. Thanks for making me feel like less of a bi atch!

Maybe if you felt comfortable with it ask her to help with some of the planning that way on the day her mind will be on has the photographer arrived, etc is the cake set up rather than this is where they must have got married etc also if she does help you - it will make her think more about it being your wedding rather than the place her ex-husband remarried?

Obv only if your comfortable with this!

Claire

I agree with what everyone's said and giving her tasks to do on the day is a good idea. But I agree it's best not to say anything on fb as it can be read wrongly and taken the wrong way

Im sorry but I find this absolutley ridiculous! Your friend is being selfish, I cant actually believe she wont come to your wedding because of this! Fair enough it might bring back some memories but the past is the past and she should be there celebrating your future with you. Im sorry you are upset by this but you have nothing to feel guilty about or to apologise for if I were you I would be telling her how you feel.

I do feel for her, I can't even contemplate how painful it must be going through a divorce, but at the same time she needs to get over this to enjoy her life and what better reason than to attend a friends wedding?

I'd ask her to have a close friend there for support (if budget/space allows of course) and say that you think it would be good to help her move on. I think it's suprising what we can forget to witness something very special happen to those we love.

What Kayl said with bells on!

This is why i find it difficult to be totally honest with her as I don't know how she feels. When her ex got married there were quite a few issues and their daughter refused to go to the wedding in the end because her dad was inviting the woman that he had an affair with and left her mother for (an ex work colleague of his and not the woman that he has married). I was there for her while this was all going on so I do know how hurt she was but i agree.... its a huge shame that she has stopped enjoying life becuase of this. I was actually going to ask her if she would like a 'plus one' and maybe she could work towards having a date for my wedding (if not, she will know a few other people there quite well or she could bring her daughter or another friend... i really dont mind, I just never imagined that she would say no all together). We were due to get together soon anyway so I will make an effort to get something sorted sooner rather than later and i'll discuss it with her then... even my OH is a bit upset that she wont come. Oh well.... we'll see what happens but im not going to fall out with her about it... lifes to short for that and at the end of the day im sure that on the day itself she will be wishing us well and im not going to have time to worry about her not being there!

It does sound like the poor woman has been having a rubbish time of it but I still think your right to have a quiet word, as I said, not to be nasty, really for her benefit more than anything else?

I am assuming she didnt go to the Ex's wedding, so I can't see a clear link as to why it would bring back memories - could you sell it by saying your giving her a chance to turn those crappy memories into happy ones again?

I hope you sort something your both happy with.

Not being able to visit somewhere 10 years after is quite unreasonable. Are there other places/things/music/videos/tv etc that she won't "do" because it brings back memories of "him"? I would guess that she wasn't invited to his wedding so I really can't see how there can be anything more than a vague association, your day will be nothing like his etc.

Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like the fact her ex remarried there 3 or 4 years ago, 10 years after they separated, is the least of her problems.

You sound like a good friend to her, but something tells me you have to be blunt and risk hurting her - but if a good friend can't tell her to snap out of it, what hope will anyone else have?

I agree with AJ... she needs to get herself out of this downward spiral...

x

sorry this may sound harsh and perhaps I am being harsh but for god sake get over it think its rather ridiculous that she wont attend your wedding because her ex re married there, what your telling me she never goes to asda/tesco/morrisons or certain places because they used to go there or he goes ther now??

she need to man up a bit in all honesty and go because her friend is getting married. it not like the place hold any memories for her as Im assuming she was not invited to his wedding??? its not like they married there so it would be painful memories returning even that I could understand a little bit. I think she being tottaly ridiculous and ott and needs to suck it up a bit!

xxxx

You're preaching to the chior ladies! I also dont have a problem being blunt, Im actually quite well known and kinda respected for my 'debbie chats' where basically i call it as i see it (even though many of my friends do role their eyes and tut when i start, they know that i love them and they often thank me for it later, in the same way that they have given me the boot up the backside when ive needed it, thats what friends are for!)

I think im actually feeling more guilty now than upset as she is obviously in a bad place right now and I havent been around to drag her back to reality! (2010 didnt start off very well for me and I couldnt be the friend I need to be so i didnt see too much of anyone for a while. Im in a better place now though so its time to put on the gloves and start dishing out the punches of kindness!)

I'll let you all know how it goes!

Just out of interest, did you know that he had remarried there when you chose the venue, or did you find out afterwards?

I think once you've had a chat with her she might change her mind. It sounds to me as if was a way to get some attention and focus on her, if that was me i would probably be regretting my quick words but wondering how i could take them back without looking stupid. Her reaction is really not very fair on you and I hope she realises this.

To be honest I find this as an excuse. I have been divorced 10yrs, a nessy, heartwrenching divorce where I suffered a nervous breakdown through the fallout. I then remarried in the same place 5yrs later! I weould talk to her & ask her what her real reasons are. If it was a friend of mine It wouldn't even cross my mind, my friends happiness would be more important.

I vaguely remember now that she did mention where he got married at the time but to be honest it wasnt something i thought about when booking my wedding! Im going to get together with her hopefully at some point over the next few weeks to explain how i feel but im not holding out any hopes that she will come!

I hope you manage to get this sorted out, I know how much it hurts when friends can't just make that little bit of effort! I agree with everything others have said, you need to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Good luck!

Still sounds very much to me like "won't" rather than "can't".

"Basically she says she can't come to my wedding because the venue is where her ex husband got re-married on the 20th Dec ( 3 or 4 years ago now - they had been split for at over 10years at this point)."

Was she up for coming before you picked the venue?

There are places I've "associated with ex's" from memories etc that I've made a point of going to, on my own or with my b2b, to "get over" it and replace those old bad memories with nice new ones. Does she want to have a great day with her friend - or let that loser of an ex still have power over her all these years on? I reckon she's stronger than that...

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like she completely relies on you to keep picking her up and this is a huge responsibility. You couldn't be there for her because you needed someone to be there for you. If she can't move on from something that happened 10 years ago for your wedding then I am afraid I would have run out of patience by now.

I hope the chat goes well and that she does come to your wedding but remember that this day is about you, not her.

x