First dilemma - limited guest numbers

Basically you have one decision to make here first off - what matters most or is not for compromise, the chosen venue or the number of guests. Make that decision then work to it. Don't forget, you can get married anywhere in the counrty, so is there another registry office close enough that you could use that perhaps offers more space? Some do but they are often quite limited to be fair. If not then you know you have to work with the numbers you have.

What you absolutely have to do, in my mind, is forget about 50:50 split - that won't work. Doing it on a strict heirarchy, you need to draw up your family heirarchy and draw the lines at the same level eg first cousins and allow for say two friends each, if that's how you want to do it. One line will be higher than the other but will be fair. What you potentially end up woth is 10 on one side and 30 on the other but it doesn't mean you end up with the right people. What I would do is look at it and think - do we see these people the same amount, do we have the same relationship with the people above the line and if not - cross them off and drop the line to where you do. What you want to end up with is a considered guest list of people who matter the most to you both rather than those determined by an arbitrary line.

My list works out at a 70:30 split in favour of OH's family but we're comfortable with it and will have a sign that says pick a seat not a side - which they'll have to do anyway. We have not seperated partners/spouses out though as we see them all as an entity and have close relationships with everyone coming to our day. Our list was fairly easy to decide really, plus we are getting married away so have to invite our guests to the whole shebang.

I think it is reasonable to say due to very tight space restrictions you can only invite a very limited number into the ceremony but all the family is invited to join the celebrations at the reception etc. Then it's up to the families to work out how they want to work it.

btw - babies don't count to the number as they will sit on parents knees

hth

I'd have to agree with (the ever wise) pammy67 here, for me it would be more important to have close family than an equal 50/50 split.

But at then end of the day, it has to work for the two of you. We only have family coming to the day, and friends in the evening, and everyone has been very understanding about the limited numbers thing.

Last time I went to a register office wedding it was a tiny room, and partners of some family members weren't invited. My OH stayed at home as it wasn't that far, but some waited outside the building - it was a nice day, and they were mostly (maybe even all) men - I know it's cliché, but this meant that they really weren't that fussed about being in the room for the ceremony.

If it was me, I would probably do partners and children, under the explanation that it's so kids don't make noise in the ceremony (which is one of my fears anyway). You say you've already done that with your cousins, I don't see a problem with doing the same with your OH's cousins.

Like you say, some people may decline and it will all work out fine, but if it comes to it I don't think it's the end of the world, there will be people who are happy to wait outside, and it's not for long.

We have exactly ZERO of H2B's family attending our wedding. I would love it if they could put differences aside and come and share our day, but sadly I cannot see it happen.

But our day will still be spent with those that we want to have with us - there's no hierachy involved, even with my own family - some of my cousins I see more than others, some only say happy birthday via facebook, some don't even do that, so I have no worry about treating everyone equally....some will get invites, some won't.

For me, personally, adult cousins are "wider family" and unless you are close to them and consider them friends, I wouldn't be too concerned about inviting them if numbers are limited. Personally, I would prefer to have mutual friends of me and H2B in their place to share our day, and then to invite wider family to the evening reception to join in the party.

At the end of the day, though, everyone will realise that 40 is 40, not 50, or 60, and if you can't have more due to restricted space, then you just can't invite everyone - if they kick up a fuss, you will have to question whether they have your best interests at heart and deserve an invite at all!!!

I would consider another venue with a larger capacity. It seems you want these guests with you on the day so may be worth another look round to find somewhere to accommodate all.

Wasn't an issue for me as we only had H's dad from his side, but I did refuse to look at a lot of venues due to the limited space. I made my list and I was sticking to it! For your situation, if you're determined to stick with that particular registry office then I totally agree with Pammy about how you should decide.

Thanks for all the replies ?, been a great help.

Venue change isn't an option really. There is another register office a similar distance from home, but it's too far away from the reception venue to be worth the extra 6 people we'd get. A change in finances means we can't really do the 'approved venue' thing now either ☹️.

We don't really have any mutual friends we're friendly enough with to want at the ceremony, just his best mate of years as best man, my bestest bud, and an honorary little sister as she's an only child and we've been friends for 30 years, so it's just family.

As OH is only inviting down to cousin and their family level, I'll do the same, and invite my second cousin family unit to the evening, unless enough people can't come so we can bump them up. Neither of us see any of our extended family very much due to living all over the place, and if we decided to invite blood relatives only on both sides, we'd lose half our guests lol.

Might put a note in the invite saying they are more than welcome to join everyone at the register office to see us go in and leave, then meet up again at the reception. The aunts, uncles and cousins seem to meet up with them more than I do so they may swap seats between themselves. Now, how to tactfully drop that idea into their heads.....?

This is why you should have numbers before venue hunting lol

This is why you should have numbers before venue hunting lol

In an ideal world lol ?

We had a gorgeous venue booked - a treehouse in the woods, which would have catered for double the current number. But after having it pencilled in for almost 2 years we had to give it up for various reasons, one of them being a change in finances ☹️. So now a register office is where we go, and limited numbers are what we're left with.

People who love and care for you both will understand. until i started wedding planning, i thought 40 people was loads! you are still having people to the reception, they arent being totally excluded from your day. if anyone really complains, ask them to pay for the full shebang in a registered venue - they will soon pipe down...

ps - whoever sugggested she should have checked numbers first, slightly insensitive and not really constructive.