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Beginner July 2023 Durham

Footing the bill

Hayley, 19 April, 2022 at 11:05 Posted on Planning 0 10

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Hey all

I’m hoping for some advice here. I really don’t know how to feel or what to do but I am on the brink of cancelling this whole wedding and actually moving out because I feel like my fiancé is so selfish and stingy and it’s starting to put a massive wedge between us.
Basically, we’ve both decided on our dream venue abroad and we’ve costed the wedding, scrimping as much as we can and have it down to around a £15k budget which is genuinely as low as it can be for what we want - no decorations, no entertainment at the UK venue, no wedding favours etc. which makes me a bit sad, but hey ho.
He’s insistent we pay 50/50 on the wedding but it leaves me a lot worse off than it does him. As a bit of background -
Fiancé has a great car which isn’t financed, he’s had a mortgage for the past 9 years. Has a great job and manages to put £500 away every month for his savings. In total his savings are around £50k, that he’s told me about so it could well be more. Whenever we book a holiday he can just pay it in full - £2k or whatever it’s really not an issue. He can afford to go away 6 times a year but I’d have to really compromise and sacrifice other things to be able to do that. His parents are well off, they give him money for things like he needed the bathroom redoing due to water damage and they just sent him the £5k, even though he could have afforded it himself - what I’m trying to say is they’re generous yet he’s just so tight and it really upsets me.
In terms of my situation, I have no savings, my mum died when I was in my early 20s and I had to provide for myself and ended up in quite a lot of debt that I’ve only recently started to recover from. I don’t have a car of my own and I’ve only ever rented.
Fiancé wants us to have a baby straight after the wedding but I’ll still be paying him back £300 a month which means I can’t afford a holiday and there’s still so much I want to see before kids. Plus we realistically need a bigger house before we bring a baby into the world but again, where do I find the money for that?
He could very comfortably pay more towards the wedding than me yet he refuses to do anything that isn’t 50:50. We could have a cheaper wedding but then I’d be left resentful that he could have paid for a dream one. He scrimped on the proposal, he did it on the sofa on Christmas Eve then we went out for tea which was already planned and he actually tried to force me to pay for my half which I’m not over. I get embarrassed telling people the proposal story because there was really nothing in it. So part of me feels like he owes me a nice wedding because of that.
it’s not like I’m asking him to foot a £30k wedding bill. I’m not even asking him to foot the full £15k but he’s not interested in helping me out in the slightest. He’d be happier having that money sat in his savings account burning a hole in it than he would give me the wedding of my (our) dreams and I just can’t deal with that level of selfishness tbh.

He’s still talking about going on holidays this year to the value of £2k or so and I’m just feeling the pinch big time. He’s able to pay for his half of the wedding up front and not miss it, whilst I’m scrimping and saving and having to make sacrifices on things like holidays and the whole thing just feels so selfish and mean I’m ready to call it all off. He’s said he’s happy to pay for a holiday for us both - but I’d much rather he paid toward the wedding and then I can afford my own part of the holiday and feel like I’ll get a say in where we go. Plus I feel like when it comes to actually forking out that money he’ll back out because he can’t stand spending it (on other people mostly).
He actually said to me that he anticipates when he buys himself a new car (that he doesn’t need), I’ll be annoyed at him for it. Of course i will be - he could spend that money on the wedding which is for us both, or a house which would be for our family but he won’t unless I’m there with 50% of the bill either up front of as a repayment plan and I have just had it.
Am I being completely out of line here, or is he being mega selfish?

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Latest activity by Zoe, 21 April, 2022 at 20:08

VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
Charlotte · 19 April, 2022 at 11:23
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In honesty you have a lot of issues that you need to discuss with him before you even contemplate getting married, let alone have a baby. It seems you are both on different paths as to what you want moving FWD. In terms of money, it is always going to cause arguments if you don't discuss the expectations. I earn 3 times as much as H2B and am therefore footing more of the bill for the wedding and we split bills but I pay more as I can. We still have our own money left to do what we want with. That said, I do feel your expectations of him giving you a better wedding as he can afford it does feel a little unreasonable. If you truly love eachother then it shouldn't matter, the proposal doesn't have to be something that is showy are costly so again not sure why that should make a difference, is about your love not materialistic things.

Have you say him down and talked about this and how you feel? If not then you should as this is not going to go away and in honesty your anger and resentment will only increase over time to the point it will become bitter. The way I see it is you are a team and at the moment you are very seperate. He has a right to spend his money how he wants, but you should share responsibility fairly and that will involve compromise. Sorry if I sound harsh but I don't feel you are in the right place as a couple to be getting married when you have so many negative feelings. You need to really think about what you can accept and if you are comfortable that this will be your life and get over how he is with his money, if he won't change then do you want to stay with him forever? Sorry if this upsets you, not my intention but you really need to work out what is important, a flashy wedding for me is not the point, I would marry my H2B in a bin bag in the garden as he is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Wishing you all the luck and hope you can relive your issues x
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Expert July 2023 Cornwall
Anonbride · 19 April, 2022 at 13:08
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Okay, firstly - big virtual hug!
I think you need to have a conversation with FH about finances. Put aside the wedding when you talk about it at first. Discuss finances for the rest of your life - are you going to forever have separate bank accounts or are you planning on combining your finances either completely or partially. Think about a mortgage and the cost of a baby, how are you going to approach paying for those... If he earns significantly more than you and wants to split things equally, he has to be aware that that will impede the value of the house you can buy together and the life you can give your baby, etc. etc.
If you're planning on combining your finances after getting married, as many people do, then I think you can return to the wedding conversation and reasonably ask if you can start now (i.e. he contributes "more" because your combined savings are technically made up of more of his money).
If you're not planning on combining your finances, I'd suggest agreeing a ratio proportionate to your incomes that could be applied to everything going forward (e.g. he pays 70% and you pay 30% towards mortgage, baby, wedding...) to help keep things fair and generally enable you to better enjoy a life together. Otherwise forevermore he'll be wanting the 5 star resort but you can only afford the BnB (apply that metaphor to whatever) and it'll be a point of tension in almost anything you might decide to do together.
Hopefully it doesn't come to it but... If neither of those options are agreeable to him and he insists you keep all your money separate but everything 50/50 then I'd be asking the question on what he plans on doing with all that money he's saving because clearly he's not intending it to go towards your shared life?
Also, if this helps to hear another couple's approach:
My FH is very 50/50 on everything, it does get frustrating so I get you, it would be nice if every once in a while he was like "this is on me!" - but also he and I earn pretty much the same amount so it does feel fair. I do have more in savings, but he earns a bit more so is able to save a bit more per month so will catch up. We put most things on a joint account which we both put the same amount into that covers anything that would fall under cost of living, shared enjoyment/use and shared socialising. If I go out with a friend on my own, without FH, or want to buy a new pair of shoes just because, then I put that on my personal card (and he does the same). The wedding is pretty much 50/50 with the exception being our wedding parties gifts - I chose to have a bigger one, so I'm paying for presents for my people and any optional extras like hair/make up, he's paying for his one person (we're splitting the cost of their outfits though as that's part of the colour scheme so we're treating it like "decor" in a way!).
I hope that helps a bit, good luck
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Super July 2022 Surrey
Yorkshirelass · 19 April, 2022 at 15:08
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First of all sorry this is happening and I do agree with Charlotte. These issues need to be ironed out before a marriage and definitely kids.
My situation is probably quite different to a lot of people as I have my own house in my name only bought when I split from my daughters dad (we were never married). I also have a small mortgage in my name only which I pay by myself as I earn more than my fiancé. He lives in my house but has signed paperwork to say he had no claim on the house. We pay the same amount into a joint bank account for the bills, going out as a family and food. If we want something ourselves such as clothes or a car then we pay for it ourselves. The cost for our wedding is totally uneven as my parents are giving us 10k and his mum (dad has passed) has done nothing! That does annoy both me and my fiancé but she is just not that involved and we have accepted that. Finances are complicated and need agreement before you marry. Good luck with the conversations.
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Expert July 2023 Cornwall
Anonbride · 19 April, 2022 at 16:01
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I think this is all very important - definitely necessary to discuss all these things and plan for all sorts of eventualities (even the ones you don't want to think about!) before you're married and something happens but you find yourselves on completely different pages
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Savvy March 2022 East London
Louisa123 · 19 April, 2022 at 17:30
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I’m getting married on Saturday and myself and partner have gone 50-50 on a £8000 wedding in the UK.
I can relate to you, I was in debt - just recovered. My partner put the deposit down on our home and pays the mortgage. We split the other bills 50-50. We go halves on holidays
Personally, if you’re already worried about savings and saving for baby etc I would just ask if spending £15K on a abroad wedding is a good idea. I can see your point or view, if your partner has a lot of savings etc you feel maybe he should pay say £10k and you pay the £5k As someone on your end I can see why you feel this way but I can also in a way see why your partner doesn’t want to foot most of the bill I would worry this might cause future issues in the future as when you are married you are a team I guess my advice would be chat to him and see if he would pay 10 and you pay 5 or agree on a less expensive wedding I think for me who’s just recovered for debt I wouldn’t even consider spending that amount on a wedding as even though I know my partner has more savings I’d feel a bit bad asking other half to foot most of the bill xx
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Beginner July 2023 Durham
Hayley · 19 April, 2022 at 17:42
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Thank you ladies for all of your honest answers and advice.

We’ve gone away and had our separate thoughts. (FH is autistic so does need time to process things as his knee jerk reactions are generally hard to swallow 🙈 ) we’ve come back and agreed that this wedding is exactly what we want, FH is happy to pay a bit more if it means my money is going towards a house for us both and holidays together before and after the wedding/babies. That way we’re both contributing money to the life we want together.
We’ve agreed to pool our finances together into a joint and treat everything as ours rather than ‘mine and yours’. Something we’d eventually do when we got married anyway.
The issue was him treating our lives as separate entities and us being on our own sides - a way he’s always lived really.
I know some may disagree, but I could never imagine a situation where I was on a higher wage and saying oh too bad you can’t afford this holiday, I’ll go on my own! Or, let’s go somewhere you can afford and I’ll buy myself a new car instead 🙈
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Savvy August 2022 North Yorkshire
Lee-Anne · 20 April, 2022 at 09:44
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Hey glad youve had a discussion. I want to say thank you. I stumbled across your post while I was scrolling. Anyway it made me think not about the wedding as we already discussed who was paying what. But it did make me think about when I move in with my FH after we are married. I too earn significantly less than him. Anyway it prompted me to start the "what will money look like when we've moved in together" and "who will pay what etc". So thank you. I'm sorry you've had a rough time but the post helped me start the money discussion early which is good x
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Beginner October 2023 Cheshire
Anon · 20 April, 2022 at 18:16
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I agree with every word Charlotte has said here! It sounds like you have some major issues to work out before marriage but I would 100% speak to him openly and let him know exactly how you’re feeling. He may not realise x
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Expert July 2023 Cornwall
Anonbride · 21 April, 2022 at 14:55
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Really glad you've gone away and had these discussions - it's great that you've come to a solution that works for you as a couple
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Beginner July 2024 Flintshire
Zoe · 21 April, 2022 at 20:08
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Glad you’ve managed to come to an agreement.

But just to join in from the other side of this (sort of)
Me and my H2B are going 50-50 in almost everything but I earn significantly more than him.
I’d actually be pretty annoyed if he expected me to pay much more for things just because I have the higher salary and savings, but he would never expect me to.
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