For those of you with stepkids, either living with you or visiting...

Not a step-parent, but I can imagaine why you would feel that way. However, I could not operate in a marriage where it was "your money/my money" situation... we share our money, which ultimately means that yes, by default, I would be paying towards the maintenance of his children. Regardless of whether the money goes into one account or two, you have shared finances and thus need to share the financial burden with him.

It doesnt make any sense that you have spare money in your account every month to with as you please, while he has nothing to spend because the maintenance payments are crippling him. That is a miserable way to live for both of you.

No my OH pays the maintence out of his money. We have a joint account where we put certain amount in each month and pays, bills, food etc out of it including anything we do together: going out for dinner, cineam etc. Then our own money in our account we spend as our own.

Thanks St K and Aimee;

I used to be very much of the same opinion as you, St K. I don't begrudge treating the kids when they come and see us, and I obviously don't mind (really...) driving them here there and everywhere (H can't get insured on the car as it's my parents' one etc) but I'm starting to feel that the only way our relationship will survive is if we divide the money.

All the utility bills and food, travel, etc will come out of the joint money still

xxx

Well the girls live with us so it's different but then again not. Our money is joint money, never been his and mine so in a way I've always paid for them.

When we just had contact he'd pay by standing order. When we went 50/50 residency it was agreed that she would get the child benefit and no maintenence would be paid. We did of course pay for uniforms, school trips etc. Now we are the resident parents we get the child benefit and receive nothing from the ex. Not even help towards uniform or school trips.

If that's the way you feel then that's what you should do.

I'm the same I have no problem treating my OH daughter when she is over and paying half of food, tickets out, cinema, dinner etc when she is over, we have her for half of the week but I do feel it's my OH responsibilty to pay the maintence.

Aimee x

Why cant he get insured on the car? Presumably he isnt a boy racer?? LOL

Do you not have a car of your own? TBH, I totally understand where you are coming from. However, it does smack of resentment and pettiness. I dont mean to be horrible to you, as I said, I know where you are coming from, however, you are saying that you dont want any financial responsibility for his kids. Any money that comes into the household is joint money, so you will always "pay", regardless of which account it comes out of.

I think that the actions you are taking will breed resentment between the two of you.

Am I right in thinking your H has had money troubles in the past? Apologies if I have mixed you up with someone else.

Also, this seems to me a bit about resenting the fact you are paying his ex, whilst she is fraudulently claiming benefits. If you knew the oney was spent on the children would you feel different about it?

Hi,

I have a step son - who doesn't live with us. H has always paid maintenance for his son. However, we try and split the finances evenly. H pays the mortgage (and all insurance's around the house) and maintenance for his son. I pay the utility bills and do the main bulk of the food shopping.

We don't have a joint bank account, the only thing that we have jointly are savings accounts. My parents continuously argued about money when they were married, and it was a huge contribution to there divorce. Joint accounts really scare me as a result and H hates being over drawn so it just wouldn't work!

We've got a mix of his kids, my kids, one between us and to be honest I totally get where you're coming from; epecially if the ex in question isn't particularly amenable. But in reality it's incredibly hard to split out those costs and keep them separate. And it does lead to resentment when the divisions get blurred (which they will), because you're much more aware of it.

I try very hard not to think about how much of "our" money goes to his ex (and believe me, in the very early days when his youngest came in once and reported that "mummy said she doesn't have to work because you and daddy do" I was ready to commit murder over finances) as thinking about it, and what we could do with the "extra" money, just gives me rage. But I would never begrudge the kids anything (even if I'm really not keen on the ex, all these years later and she's pulled her horns in quite a bit since then)

At the end of the day, the kids come as part of the package, and unfortunately so does the cost and you just have to bear that, if you want to hang onto your sanity!

Good luck with it. It's not easy I know!

When we had separate bank accounts, and both earned monthly salaries then H paid his ex out of his salary. Now we don't have separate accounts (or monthly salaries as we are self-employed) so the money comes out of what 'we' earn. To be honest, even when H was paying out of his own account, that would mean that I had more money at the end of the month than him so would end up paying for more things - so in reality I guess I was contributing to his daughter anyway.

It is stressful, when something bothers you like that you can find that it eats away at you and becomes a bigger issue than it perhaps needs to. But it is one of those things which can be awkard to discuss as it can come across as petty, and as if you resent his child. Sorry - that's not very positive but I know of friends who have been in your situation and struggled. Hope you manage to either discuss it with your H or rant enough on here that it doesn't bother you so much anymore!

Thanks for all your replies - I'm glad I'm not coming across as OVERLY unreasonable and completely selfish - I'm just... Well, fed up, is all.

KB3 - you are correct in thinking I am She. H has had CCJs in the past, and recently, just as we'd moved to our new house, our first house on the property ladder that we're working hard to contribute to, H got a letter from a debt collector's, wanting money for a credit card he "ran away from" quite literally, in 2000. As it happens, it was all sorted through the help of you guys, so ?

Anyway, what i'm trying to say, is: I know The Ex is committing benefit fraud; she claims to be a single parent with 4 kids, 4 different dads, and none of them contribute towards their children's welfare. She's probably worked about 6 months in her life, and she's 29. Her newest fella, dad no.4, lives with her while his flat is on the market up for sale (but he's subletting it or something or other so isn't paying anything on that either), bought The Ex a car for her 29th birthday, and gets new phones/furniture/whatever each month. I resent her. There, I said it. Please feel free to flame me if you must, but realistically, I've tried and tried to get the point across to H that this can't carry on. I suggested to him about 9 months ago that we look into the Parental Responsibility Agreement for H to be recognised as Jnr Smith's guardian, and also try and get some rights for Stepdaughter. He's not even bothered to fill out the form, let alone discuss dates with The Ex of when it would suit for her and him to go to the courts in Northumberland and get the paperwork signed.

I want what's best for the kids. I treat them as if they were my own, but, as happens with other step parents, I get f-all from it. Obviously the kids make me so happy and I love looking after them, but I just can't hack not having any money for myself, and sorry realised I went off on a tangent there, completely unrelated.

Anyway, I do need money for myself. I can't be expected to look after H and his family/kids on an as-and-when basis. It makes me feel as if I'm always taken for granted, and I'm fed up with it. So now I'm going to stand my ground, and, basically, not help him pay the maintenance Obviously, as previously stated, when the kids are with us, I'll pay for things, as well as birthdays and Christmases etc.

Thanks ?

xxx

Gosh you sound really fed up and I'm not surprised, that's a lot of general baggage your OH comes with. His ex sounds like a real charmer, I can see why blokes are just queuing up to get her pregnant, what a catch she is!️?️

Anyway, for what it's worth, and please don't take this the wrong way, I think you are having more trouble with the whole "subsidising her lifestyle" bit, and yes that would give me utter rage as well, considering how hard you work/pay taxes/pay your own way. But if you can separate that out and just focus on how you as a couple will pay your way together, you honestly will cope better. If she was a single mum, just with your OH's kids, not lots of others, and take away her lifestyle, issues with other dads etc,and the financial situ was still the same I am sure you would be more reconciled to it.

Unfortunately you will always find yourself subsidising finances when there are step kids involved, whether you have a joint account or separate accounts, you will always be paying for petrol to run the kids home and back, groceries, birthday and Christmas presents, uniforms, school trips, pocket money, extra for bills at home, it really never stops and I genuinely think trying to separate yourself out of that will make you both unhappy and resentful in the long run.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm afraid. I guess keep talking to your OH is the key. And you're never alone, come on here and have a good old rant about the loony exes, I will join you!

Mrs S Smith - forgive me if this sounds rude - but do you have a marriage as equal partners or a mother/son relationship?

I know exactly where you're coming from re. your H and his handling of money - my H has done very similar over the years (but not to CCJ status) - including the running away from debt and debt collectors chasing him.

However, although we have separate accounts, our money is very much our money, not seen as "yours & mine". I have tried to help my H with his management of money and he is much better now, although I'm definitely more in control of the finances.

What are you going to do if your H is running short and can't pay the maintenance one month? What do you mean you can't be expected to look after your H? Surely you and he look after each other? You make it sound like you're doing him a huge favour by paying out for things when the kids visit.

If he gets any hint of this feeling from you, it could lead to resentment.

And if you're so certain abuot the ex, why not report her to the benefit fraud team anonymously?

I sort of know how you feel as H's ex also seemed to be better off financially than us!

BUT - I knew when I got together with H that he made maintenance payments and his child, and all related finances, were part of the package I was commiting to, so as we are a couple, his son and relating finances are part of my life and commitments also. It's something I couldn't or wouldn't want to seperate.

It's complicated isn't Mrs. Smith? In our situation we pay our own bills, joint bils are paid for by a joint account that all the bills come out of and we pay in a fixed amount each month. Then he uses his money for the big stuff such as shopping and I use my money for whatever else we need until his money runs out, then my money takes over. Whatever is left is put into savings/used to pay extra debt/whatever every month. His maintenance comes out of his wages, on his insistence (his mess, his responsibility) and the court fees and solicitors bills come out of the joint money cos it's got to come from somewhere. I know everyone organises differently and this is simply what works for us.

At the end of the day, whilst I hear what is being said about joint finances etc, I will never be seen as anymore than a member of OHs household when it comes to SD. I will never have any visitation rights nor financial responsibility towards her. My earnings are not considered for the CSA assessment (but of course are for Legal Aid purposes). I am not allowed in the court romm when they are discussing visitation rights, and never will be, even if the discussions involve my suitability as a carer, or I am invited by his ex to attend. This is the situation I am in, as are many other stepparents. We walk a fine line, and are literally neither nowt nor summat.

I have to say I've learned A LOT about politics since getting involved with OH........

Thanks Toblerone, Alison76 and bobbly1 - those are all very valid points.

At the moment it's very much a case as mother/son as far as I see it. I'm trying to get H to help out more with things, and start to see that we need money for x, y and z. Whenever the kids are down, H will go into one shop with Jnr S, and I'll go into another with stepdaughter, and if we've agreed that we're not going to spend a penny each on the kids in said shops (for whatever reason), H will, undoubtedly, come out having spent at least £10 on Jnr S. Even if Stepdaughter doesn't get anything. Even if that is our last £10.

At Easter - no joke - I thought we had x amount of money left in the account, I ended up getting an injury so had to go and get some gauzes etc (cut hand on broken mirror) from the local supermarket. It cost £3, and the card was rejected. This was then followed by H calling round all his family asking if we could borrow some gauze etc, driving round half of bloody Cambs to see if anyone was in, and, in the end, I ended up in A&E. In the end, it was the right decision, and I'm glad I went. But then I realised that, actually, we still needed to do our weekly food shop, and drop the kids off the next day, so needed a minimum of £100 to survive. I had to call up my brother, who's still unemployed since his time away in prison, to borrow the money. That was utterly humiliating, but it's not the first time that's happened, and, I feel, that unless I try and separate the finances and take 100% control over "my" money, with H doing what he wants with "his", there is no way we'll ever be able to survive a rainy day..

If things were different, and The Ex was, indeed, single, I probably wouldn't have an issue with it, you're right. If H ends up overspending one month and realises that, sh1t, He can't afford to pay the maintenance, I will, of course, pay for it. I'm not going to let the kids suffer because the parents can't handle finances. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I want to teach H a lesson, and make both parents realise that they can't just depend on me? Does that make sense? Sorry again if it doesn't..

xxx

WW, I totally echo this. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids to bits, but I will never have them call me "Mummy" (all of us agree that would just be WEIRD lol) and if anything was to happen to H, I would probably never see the kids again. My opinions don't count, as far as the kids are concerned, I'm (I think?) important to them, but as far as The Ex is concerned, I am a taxi/piggy bank/whatever. I can't even speak to The Ex myself about how I feel, because H is worried that it would jeapordise the relationship between him and The Ex, and I guess I get pushed into the wardrobe, ready to use again for whenever they need me..

Oooh dear.. ? bit of a ranty thread! Sorry guys!

xxx

That makes total sense and I'm glad you took what I posted in the spirit in which it was meant.

I totally empathise - my H can spend money withouth batting an eyelid - and he's been out of work since January. I keep having to ask how his settlement is lasting.

Would it not make sense to go back to separate accounts - that way he's the one to suffer when there's no money in the account and you will have your backup in your account?

It's a tricky one - good luck!

I totally know where you are coming from, its such a difficult situation, OHs ex has been extremely rude to and about me at every possible opportunity and it has to go completely over my head as far as she knows. We are shoved in the corner in this situation, and rightly or wrongly, that is the way it is. OHs ex, I dunno how she sees me, a threat to her ever getting back with OH I think mainly. I dunno where she got the idea that they would ever get back and she treats him so badly, it's hard to see that being done to the man you love, and I have certainly changed as a person as a result. If you ever want to rant at me Mrs. Smith, I'm here and I hear you!

Alison - of course, I appreciate it's a difficult subject to try and confront, but you're right, it's very much "mother/son" thing.. Now that you mention it, when H was made redundant in September, all of the money had gone by November when he managed to get another job - he didn't even have to pay any bills, as my dad kindly looked after the rent and council tax!! ? So I hope you can see where I'm coming from? As for splitting the bills totally - I'd love to say that I could trust him, but I can't. Even last month £30 went down the pan in Bank Charges that he'd managed to get in May, which he'd not told me about at the time.. Good thing he had some money in his account to pay for my bday present to cover it, then! ?

I've actually just spoken to H and he agrees that the separate finances thing might work better, but I did make it clear that I would, of course, help out with the maintenance if and when required. His rant at me this morning and last night about how unfair that was etc, was because of him thinking that I didn't want anything to do with him and his kids etc. But we're going to make a conscious effort now..

We're going to have all the "regular" bills come out of my account, as I can manage it very closely with internet banking etc etc, and then the rest will be transferred across to each of our other accounts (I have a second current account set up with my bank purely for these purposes ?)

Thanks again for letting me vent, glad I'm not going insane! xxx

WW - maybe we should set up a "Time to *** about OH's Ex" thread occasionally!! Use the old "bonfire" thing this forum used to have in its Yellow days! ?

seriously though, thank you so much. And, of course, if you ever need to rant about your OH's ex, I'm here for you!

xxx

Mrs S - your situation is very complicated, but I totally understand what you mean about separating the finances to make Mr S accept some sort of responsibility over it all.

Neither Mr CV nor I would be particularly good with money and neither of us earn a lot, but for years, the responsibility was always on my shoulders. We have separate accounts (too much hassle to start changing DDs!) but in theory split everything. The reality was he bought around one food shop every 2-3 months, ran out of money about 2 weeks before payday most months, leaving whatever other expenses other than food for me to cover that month, and still used to have to rely on me to buy him clothes and stuff. It was awful for both of us - I completely resented it and it did his self esteem no good never being able to pay his way (not enough to do something about it, of course, but that's another matter!!).

Anyway, about 18 months ago, I took matters into my own hands and devised a rough budget of what we spend every month (some more organised people will do this as a matter of course, but as I said, I'm not hugely 'good' either). Asked him to look at it and agree it (not sure that he looked at it, but I did try to involve him!) and it so happened that his share worked out as, more or less, the rent. So he pays that and whatever he has over is his, and it's worked fantastically.

He earns the same, contributes more to the household than he ever used to, but 'his' money still goes further than it ever did - he knows that, more or less, he is responsible for paying for his own social life, clothes, haircuts, buying birthday presents, adhoc lunches in work etc etc, and has to budget for it, rather than spending it all on god knows what and knowing I will pull up the slack. I still end up paying for more than him over the course of a month or year, but at least there is some structure there and I know he's making an effort. He was able to spend about £400 on me at Christmas past - I was flabbergasted (the thought had always been there in the past, but never the wherewithal!).

CV - That sounds like you've really got it figured out!! We've so far gone as far as setting up a spreadsheet with a budget, and then trying to reconcile it every day, but it's never quite worked ?

But it's good that he was able to get you a nice xmas present as well ?

xxx

Is it sheer recklessness that makes your H run out of money, Mrs Smith, or does he have a gambling habit or similar that taked the dosh?

My fear for you would be that whatever system you come up with, you are there as his back up plan, so he can fritter money safe int he knowledge (because you have assured him of this) that you're there to pick up the slack.

L
xx

If he was to read this he'd laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it, but I started to worry that Mr CV was gambling or something. His stand-by argument was always that he doesn't earn a lot, but I still couldn't believe how it was being frittered away with NOTHING to show for it. Now I don't need to get involved on what he 'fritters' (which I felt I had to previously as it affected me but HATED having to nag). If we wants to buy 3 Starbucks a day every day, he can - it's his money, his decision as to how he spends it. But whereas I think he actually did spend most of his money in Starbucks previously, now he doesn't - maybe just about half ?

I don't know what has made it work for us, because I kind of am still here to pick up the slack if it ever all went skew whiff, but I am also very confident we'd never slip back to how we were a couple of years ago.

Everyones circumstances and what works for them is different so there is no right or wrong, here's ours:

We have not long since finished paying our maintenance through the CSA (2 stepkids now adults). Our money has always been OUR money, never mine or his. When we first met my H was the main breadwinner but everything still went into the same pot regardless of who was earning what.

I knew he had kids when we met and thats something that I took on board when getting involved. I could never say i'm not paying anything towards your kids and believe me we've had our share of problems (court/csa/fall outs etc).

On the flip side, I have a daughter from my first marriage who lives with us. She was only 4 when I met my H and although she has her dad that she sees regular, my H has brought her up too like his own daughter (lucky girl has 2 wonderful dads). The money we have spent on my daughters upbringing over the years far outweighs any maintenance we have paid. My H pays money out left right and centre for my daughter. If we have had seperate money for kids etc it just wouldn't have worked.

If i've got it they can have it cos you cant take it with you!

Lois - it is very much the same way as CV was suggesting; there's never really been any gambling or anything like that (as far as I'm aware!!) but then he's previously been in the frame of mind that "Oh I've had such a sh*t day, I deserve x, y, and z." But then he just never understood the concept of Living Within One's Means. He's now going to therapy once a fortnight to try and beat this Spending Addiction he has (similar to alcoholism apparently?) so he IS improving, he just doesn't Quite Get It ?

xxx

See, I'm very much of the same opinion.. but we're not high income earners, we literally scrape by each month as it is, and there's only So Far I can put them ahead of me, iyswim..

But then I don't have any kids of my own, so I don't fully understand the concept maybe, and I admit that

xxx

Thanks Mrs Smith! Believe me theres a lot of it to rant about lol! Glad you getting sorted though!