Friendship fallout

I'm so sorry to hear that you've fallen out with your friend. Despite being billed as 'the happiest day of your life', I think most brides-to-be will tell you that there are a hell of a lot of unhappy days before you get there and that these days are collectively known as 'wedding planning.'

I'm not sure what outcome you want to your solution. I think it all boils down to how important your friendship with your friend is. I have been through similar patches with my best friend over the years. We met in school aged four and we're 35 this year.

I got engaged in March last year (after 13 years with my OH) and after we told our parents and sisters/BILs, I asked my OH if we could not tell any of our friends until I had spoken to my best friend as I wanted her to be the first to know and it was important TO ME that I told her in person. For various boring reasons it was about 5 weeks until I saw her and we did tell a couple of our other close friends but I made them promise not to tell anyone and to absolutely not put anything on Facebook that said friend might see because I didn't want her to find out through a third party and be upset that I hadn't told her. In contrast, I just happened to be on Facebook the other day and noticed that there was a new notification. I clicked on it and up popped a new status '[friend's name] got engaged today.' I'll be honest, I was quite hurt as I know she has hundreds of Facebook "friends", many of whom she's barely knows/speaks too. I FEEL that our friendship warrants news this big being shared between us first.

My friend is getting married until 2016 but she's already looking at wedding dresses and venue's etc and yes, a little selfish PART OF ME FEELS like she's stolen my thunder (I get married in Sept this year). Couldn't she have waited until after my wedding to start planning hers?

So, how did I deal with this? Well:

• I gave her a call to congratulate her on her engagement and find out about the proposal etc
• I bought them an engagement card and sent it off the next day
• I posted a picture of a style of dress I thought she might like to her wall and recommended a dress shop I had visited.

I did these things because, at the end of the day, my best friend who I have known for 31 years, who has a 11 year old daughter and was a single mum for 9 years and who has dated a string of total twunts, has gotten engaged to a lovely man who dotes on her and her daughter. And all she's actually done is share that information with her friends and family and excitedly started planning her wedding. Any hurt feelings and resentment are mine not hers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are 2 completely different sets of feelings here from the exact same set of circumstances. From the information you've provided it sounds like your friend has some of the same feelings I have and, from the number of threads that I've read covering this exact situation, I think it's normal. We can't control how we feel, but we can control how we deal with our feelings and respond to them.

If your friendship with this girl is important to you, then you need to find a way to deal with these issues. Maybe send her a card if you think talking face to face will be difficult. Maybe explain that although you were initially hurt not be asked to be bridesmaid you appreciate that your friendship has changed over the years and that she has people she feels closer to at this stage in her life and you're excited to be part of her day. Perhaps you could explain why it's important to you to get married this year (is there a reason btw? Are you hoping to start a family quite soon) Perhaps you could ask her to help you plan your wedding as you know she'll have heaps of research and notes.

With regards to the mutual friends, I'd still meet up with them but make sure that you don't inflame the situation by bad mouthing your other friend. Just stick to the facts and make it clear that your wedding is about you and your OH and not about trying to snub anyone.

Can I just ask though why your friends think you're "rushing it"? Could this be a reasonable conclusion?

Sorry for the long essay! I hope this has given you a different perspective and some useful advice. Come back and let us know how you get on.

And finally, congratulations on your engagement and welcome to hitched x

Thanks so much for the post. I have just read it twice to check I've not missed anything!

Sorry to hear your situation to. I am relieved to hear that this is not an usual situation and that has helped me to keep perspective on this.

I really admire the way you've handle your situation and I see why your friend's plans starting for 2016 could be upsetting.

In regard to me and my OH getting married this summer we just both decided we didn't want a long engagement. I wanted a summer wedding and we thought we would look and see if there were any we liked available and if not we may have considered January or April.

My close friend is getting married end of October and I didn't want it to be that month or even September because I felt it was too close for people paying to go to both weddings and or upset the close friend! (The last bit obviously didn't work out)

We then found a venue we loved in August and so there was no reason to wait.

I spoke to the mutual friend the one said we were 'rushing it' and I still don't really know where this has come from. Maybe because we booked it quite quick after we got engaged.

We have been together nearly three years. We've lived together for two and its just the right time for us.

I found myself saying the reasons above and then just stopped and said its not about anyone else, its about me and my OH and we don't need to justify our decisions to get married in nine months to anyone. If they support us great, if they don't just leave us to get one with it.

I see your point about why couldn't your friend wait to plan hers. In my situation, I feel ultimately it was my close friends decision to wait 18 months and its our decision to do it nine! Neither is right or wrong, they are just our decisions.

Moving forward with the friendship, I have thought about writing a card or email but my OH is dead against it as he feels I tried to talk to her and she chose not to acknowledge it. However, when I spoke to my close friend, I didn't apologise over the bridesmaid conversation and that maybe that would go someway to diffuse the situation.

I think I will go to the mutual friends drinks next week and not bring it up unless someone else does. I am trying to keep them out of it but did have to talk to one of them because she posted group pics on facebook for two events they didn't invite me to!

Will let you know how it goes. And thanks again x

AMEN. That is so true!

NYCBride has some good advise there, and I'm afraid i cant be of any help ^^; the last time i had this issue (college) i ditched the whole gang of girls and stuck to male friends. male friends are easy, you tell them they're being d**ks and/or apologise for your own faults and BOOM issue over! Shall we go have a drink and have fun? Of course that came with set backs like no one to fan girl or squee with.

I think keeping your wedding talk low key when talking to them would be the best approach and 'kill with kindness'

Thanks NYC Bride. Tonight is the friends meeting and totally panicking now. I know the mutual friend may try and bring it up and I am beyond talking about it.

I'm thinking of just doing the firm but fair route if she brings it up say its our day, we want people to support us to share it with us.

I really want an apology from her but because I asked her for help initially I don't want to be seen to be shooting the messenger.

The thing is she went above what I asked and gave me her opinion which she obviously must have known wouldn't be well received.

An open talk and a clean slate. No "are we going to talk about it?" beating around the bush.

You're best mates, both getting married this year. You're not ten years old.

Hi tohaveandtohold14 - I hope it goes well tonight and your friends appreciate the situation and don't take sides. To me it sounds like you have a clear and rational reason for wanting to get married this year and I think it would be unreasonable to expect you to pick a wedding date based on someone else's wedding. That being said, I think you've acknowledged that the bridesmaid issue has become awkward for both of you and perhaps verbally acknowledging that it could have been handled better might go some way to making a bad situation a little better.

I totally understand your OH telling you not to apologise or justify your decision. My OH gets very diffensive on my behalf when he feels like I'm under attack. The only thing I would say is that, in my opinion, there is a difference between justifying a decision and explaining it. I can understand how your friend might feel that you getting married a few months before her is a deliberate attempt to upstage her. I think the reasons you've outlined above make it perfectly clear this isn't the case. Perhaps explaining it in the way you have here would help.

Ultimately I think it comes down to how much this friend means to you and how important her future friendship is. Or how important you and her being friends is to your circle of friends. I'd put a lot more effort in to avoiding / repairing an argument with some friends than I would for others.

I'm sorry that thisd is such a late response. I realise that you probably won't see this until you're back from meeting your friends so I hope it went well.

And please remember that for every one person who isn't happy about your wedding, there will be plenty more who are x

Hi FortheloveofMrs Brown,

Thanks for your post. I just wanted to say that I didn't ask my good friend why I wasn't a bridesmaid. I said I was upset she hadn't told me or asked me to still be involved in her wedding.

In the subsequent posts you will see I do say I now regret talking to her about it because it sparked this whole situation.

Hi FortheloveofMrs Brown,

Thanks for your post. I just wanted to say that I didn't ask my good friend why I wasn't a bridesmaid. I said I was upset she hadn't told me or asked me to still be involved in her wedding.

In the subsequent posts you will see I do say I now regret talking to her about it because it sparked this whole situation.

How did ure evening go with friends? X

How did seeing your friends tonight go? Hope you resolved the issues?

Hi,

Yeah, it went okay so far as there were no drama or tears!!!

Two of the girls didn't ask me about the wedding which didn't surprise me as both are up to speed on plans and one is the mutual friend who had some upsetting opinions that she shared with me last week.

But the other friend, I'd not seen him since I got engaged and it felt weird. He didn't ask me about it or even belated congratulations! But maybe he didn't want to in case it brought up conversation about the other friend.

He and his boyfriend are both day guests to our wedding (but not sent invites yet so they don't know that) but have had save the dates.

Maybe I'm just being over paranoid now but if I'd been sent a save the date then saw the person I would at least acknowledge it even if subject changed straight after.

Spoke to the mutual friend alone afterwards and said I had been upset by her saying we are rushing our wedding.

She apologized and said she didn't mean rushing but the timing in her mind overshadows the other girls (my good friends) wedding.

I reiterated mine and my OH position and said us getting married is about us and no one else and was never about upstaging/snubbing anyone.

Then in a bit of a less direct way but to summarize, if she/ they don't support us basically don't come to our wedding*will add more in morning but that's the basic jist as my tablet is rubbish on here typing.