****Funkys Fabulous Wedding Report (with the odd flash)****Finished!!

Now open your eyes and as if by magic here I am on my wedding day 5 stone lighter (if only it was that easy in real life).

I have not included this in my wedding report for words of praise or a Blue Peter Badge because that is not the reason I lost this weight, I just wanted to demonstrate to others feeling like they are fighting a losing battle that you really can beat it, with a lot of hard work and determination you can make it happen.

Anyway this is all getting a bit too deep and motivational for my liking. After all I did not win joint funniest hitcher 2012 writing this drivel so back to the matter in hand......

So out went our invites sometime in May and the final few months whizzed by!

The Day Before

We slept in much longer than planned so the morning felt a little rushed to be ready.

Our first job of the morning was to get all our boxes of wedding related tat off to the venue, we had prearranged a courier to collect everything and I was just finishing my breakfast when I glanced at my watch “sh!t, fvck, bo!!ocks, how can it be 9:45 already?”

Fortunately my mother in law who was staying with us at the time does not speak English so my potty mouth does not get me into trouble. The most perfect mother in law!

I started rushing to load the lift (we live on the 11th floor of an apartment block) to get all the boxes downstairs ready for the courier at 10:00. When Juris finished his breakfast he helped me with the last remaining boxes. He has a habit of doing that, I am sure that is why he eats so slowly!!

Lift fully loaded with us also squished inside in poses that really should be reserved for use only while playing a game of twister.

As we arrive at the ground floor Juris says;

“You do know the couriers not coming until 10:30 right?”

At that moment I didn't know if I wanted to laugh, cry, commit murder or throw up my undigested breakfast.

However as we finished unpacking the lift the courier arrived early. Woohoo my stupidity paid off!

Off went our boxes and shortly after a taxi came to take us and our extensive wardrobe of clothes and shoes to our pre wedding night hotel.

I should probably mention at this point that we decided to stick two fingers up at tradition and spend the night before the wedding together.

It was a very miserable day with a sky full of big ominous grey clouds and relentless rain. The taxi ride was somewhat depressing like we were travelling towards our impending doom or something. We did not speak of it but I believe it was written on both our faces, the dread that the weather would stick around until tomorrow, mixed with the feeling that you may have forgotten something important but not quite sure what. We spent the majority of the 60 minute taxi ride in silence staring at the rain as it trickled down the windows of the cab.

Towards the end of our journey I remembered my good luck thread which I decided to read to cheer myself up.

Wowzers! I honestly can’t believe how many people signed my good luck thread, I was totally blown away by everyone’s kind words and wishes which made me feel all warm a squiffy.

Thanks to Flow for starting the ball rolling and a huge THANK YOU to everyone else who commented it certainly helped brighten the grey!

I snapped out of my woe when the taxi driver said

“What ‘otel was it again mate?”

Turns out we were right outside and miraculously the rain had stopped (must have been the power of Hitched).

After settling in and fighting off the urge for an afternoon nap we decided to tipsily hit Oxford Street to buy some umbrellas ‘just encase’ and a razor (I knew I had forgotten something).

After a late lunch it was soon time to head off to our respective spa treatments. OH had booked himself in for a body wrap at the Montcalm Spa and I headed off to The Dorchester Spa.

I wanted my skin to look flawless on the day so had booked myself in for a Carol Joy Signature facial which was immense; my face was scrubbed polished and buff with gold millet oil and diamond dust, among many other weird and wonderful concoctions. The amazing therapist also gave me some eye rescue patches just encase I needed them in the morning and goes on to give me a complimentary glass of champagne and goody bag full of Kerstin Florin and Valmont products.

I can now see why some people make a habit out of getting married, for all the freebies.

I left the spa feeling like a million dollars with a spring in my step and a face so tight I could barely crack a smile. SPAmazing!!!!!

I also had a rather bizarre encounter with another spa user before my treatment but that is a story for another time.......

(Photos of the Spa are coming up later in the report)

We spent the rest of the evening chilling out back at our hotel and drinking more cocktails before going to bed at around 11:00.

The Wedding Day

After a surprisingly awesome sleep (I’m not sure who I should credit for this? the spa therapist? the barman for the many Mojitos? or the Egyptians for their super soft cotton bedding?) we were woken by our alarm at 7:30 and proceeded to get ready in our rather swanky bathroom.

I gave OH his wedding card and presents, (a watch, Alexander McQueen Ipad case and a Christian Lacroix journal (we both big ab fab fans so it had to be “Lacroix sweetie”) which I had filled with many photos of our adventures so far) #Spoilt

At around 8:30 we went down for breakfast (This bits for you Footlong I know how much you love hearing about what people have for breakfast on their wedding day ?)

Although the buffet offering looked rather salubrious neither of us felt remotely hungry and I insisted we stick to a strict no bread policy on the run up to the wedding for fear of our photos looking like a maternity shoot from our bloated bellies.

We ordered ourselves a full English to line our stomachs but despite our best efforts only managed to finish less than half.

After breakfast we met my dad and his lady friend in the lobby. They were just heading out for a morning walk and we joined them as far as Oxford Street. Although it appeared to have rained quite heavily in the early hours of the morning the blue cloud mottled sky was a welcomed sight.

We hit Selfridges to buy some fresh breads and fruits to go with our cheese tower in addition to some Pierre Herme (the best ever) Macarons. (Unfortunately for our guests we would later forgot to serve the Macarons)

We carried our bounty back to the hotel where we proceeded to get dressed in our pre ceremony finery. A bad hair day paddy later and it was only too soon that the porter was knocking on our door to collect our luggage and we shortly followed and jumped in our waiting taxi....

Our venue was only a 10 minute walk away down Park Lane but we simply had too much luggage to make the journey on foot (we didn’t stay at our venue at it was an extra £250 a night although in hindsight I wish we just paid the extra for less hassle)

Within a blink of an eye our taxi was pulling up alongside the Ferraris and Bentleys that seem to take up permanent residency outside The Dorchester. Has anyone else wondered what it takes to bag one of those parking spaces? (I guess it’s obviously a hell of a lot of money)

After enjoying some fizz we headed for the Penthouse & Pavilion where our ceremony and dinner was to be held to set up a few bits and pieces.

The florist was also setting up at this time, the table arrangements were a complete mess and not what we wanted at all! It is funny how you spend months stressing and fretting because you want everything to be perfect but on the day you really don’t care. I wasn’t prepared to get upset about it or let in spoil our day and we didn’t have the time to fully deal with it anyway so we left the florist with the impossible job of trying to ‘fix’ the flowers and headed back to our suite to freshen up. (However I did send a strongly worded sh!togram before setting off on honeymoon)

Our photographer arrived at 1:00pm (we had our main TOG and OHs business partner at JJMerriment also took some pics for us hence why I quote them in some of the pics so I don't get into trouble with either TOGS) and my best girl from having her hair and makeup done shortly after. She had just returned from Australia a week before the wedding so we took a sneaky gamble after finding the most perfect dress for her which we brought in secret months before the wedding without her seeing it let alone trying it on. Anyway the dress was a perfect fit and looked totally awesome on her (as we knew it would) beat that Gok Wan!

I presented her with my gift which was a photobook filled with all our antics over the past 17 years we have been besties. We cracked open some more champagne and just looked back reminiscing and laughing hysterically at the many memories we share.

Juris and I then went off for a pre ceremony shoot around the hotel and here are some of my favourites.

We started in the The Penthouse which is where we would later have our ceremony. The Penthouse was designed by artist and stage designer Oliver Messel in the theme of The Sleeping Beauty Ballet, a ballet that Juris himself has performed (Juris was a ‘danseur noble’ in his youth) which was one of the major pulls to the Dorchester when we were looking at wedding venues.

This is one of the first pics taken in the busy hotel lobby. I felt really awkward at this moment as Juris and I don’t ever do public signs of affection and remember saying “I’m not nearly drunk enough to be smooching in public.”

At least you can always rely on The Dorchester to have awesome florals in the lobby which made up for shite flowers.

So we headed to promenade bar for some more booze (is anyone else getting the impression I have a slight drink problem?) it was nice to be looking so dapper, I had always dressed pretty casual on all my previous visits, I kept catching people checking out my shoes as we walked past them enjoying their afternoon teas and I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself when I overheard a lady saying to her friend “do you recognise those two guys? The one in silver looks familiar, they must be celebs having a magazine shoot or something” which caused me to ponder what I would do if they asked for an autograph, go with it? Or tell them they were mistaken? Alas thankfully no autograph was requested.

After a quick drink we headed to the crystal room,

This rather swanky piano is one of two formerly owned by Liberace don’t ya know? Can you guess who owns the other one?

- Elton John obviously ?

Then onto the Spa

Whoops almost forgot a shoe flash

The Ceremony

It was soon time to kick everyone out the suite so Juris and I could get changed and ready for the ceremony.

The registrars arrived as we were getting ready so they waited for us in the lounge of our suite (as they do)

Midway through our pre ceremony interview we received a call from OHs hysterical mum, she was stuck in traffic with a complete tool of a driver who explained they were miles away in North London. What the hell they were doing in north London when we live in south London is beyond me. She certainly would not arrive in time for our 3 o clock ceremony. The registrars advised their taxi was booked to take them to their next ceremony at 3:30 but we could hang on until 3:20 before we would have to continue without her, fortunately we only had a very short ceremony planned.

We finished our interview and as the registrars left us an overwhelming nervous feeling swept over me, I was fine all morning totally psyched and ready to go but the MIL’s phone call pushed me over the edge. I spent the next 20 minutes pacing the length of the suite swigging champagne straight from the bottle fighting off the urge to be sick or hyperventilate.

3:20 came and we accepted we would have to start the ceremony without OHs mum, the registrars were waiting for us in the corridor just outside our suite and together we started walking to the ceremony room when suddenly OHs best man came shouting behind us “wait she’s just arrived, I sent Zanete to greet her and fix her up (assuming her makeup etc would be a mess from the crying)” it had taken her over 2 hours to do a 40 minute journey so literally by the skin of our teeth Juris mum was seated and the ceremony could begin.

Our entrance song was a camptastic classical version of Lady Gagas Born this Way. We were both entering the room at the same time through separate doors at either side of the ceremony room. We had learnt at what point in the song to enter from as we couldn’t see each other from our entrance points, queue me having an internal mini meltdown when the music starts in the wrong place.

“How the feck am I supposed to know when to enter?”

After what seemed like an eternity I took a deep breath and opened the door to make my grand entrance.

Amazingly Juris seemed to open his door at the same time and we appear to have styled out the musical error.

The ceremony whizzed by as OH stumbled over his vows I am now his “Long life Partner” (which makes me feel like a carton of milk) but it brought a bit of humour to the proceedings which just about saved me from blubbing.

(Dad, best buddie & page boy)

(The MIL)

As the registrars announced us as civil partners we looked at each other and back at the registrars a few times expecting them to say “you may seal the partnership with a kiss” (or words to that effect) but they were just clapping and smiling and announced we were to make our exit together so it was a bit awkward and

I whispered “is that it?”

to which they confirmed "You are legal"

so I just grabbed Juris by the hand and we left up the aisle to the roof terrace where we had our first ‘civilised’ kiss.

Thinking we were alone I then proceeded to blub like a baby. (Pics by JJMerriment)

Then the champagne flowed and we had and we had a few group photos,

and watched general cuteness from our Flower Girls and Page Boy. (please don't quote the child pics may remove later)

Yawn.

OH, our photographer and I then went for a walk around Park Lane and Hyde Park for some addition couple shots. This was the only part of the wedding I was actually worried about because despite OH and I being together for 5 years we never do public displays of affection and certainly have never kissed in public......The shoot was quite a liberating experience.

This is our first ever 'public' kiss it was scary.

(On the phone to Mini she's got a right filthy mouth on 'er)

....It was soon time to head back to the hotel for dinner.

Dinner Time

Instead of favours each guests received a gift bag which double up as place names. We didn't bother with a decorative seating plan as we didn't feel it was necessary with just one large table.

We include miniature bottles of whisky

And some posh wash (which was in fact cheap, nasty, plastic and tacky) but I do love a bit of tack and it did make us laugh when we found it.

Juris and I also made up a surprise gift bag for each other and spookily we brought each other the same chocolates. In addition mine included my fav salted caramel chocolates.

. OH is uber fussy so we created a bespoke menu just for us....

I have read that many people don't eat very little on their wedding day but there was no chance I was missing out on dinner I cleaned my plate on ever course.....I could go into detail of how awesome each course was but I just let the flashes do the talking.

Before long the evening reception was underway and our fabulous saxophonist was getting the party started. We searched high and low to find a sax player that didn’t just play your standard Baker Street type repertoire as we wanted to create an Ibiza bar type vibe and our sax player certainly rocked it.

Of course the evening reception was another perfect excuse for another outfit change and then it was time to cut the cake...

If somebody had told me when we first started planning our wedding that I would be having a green and gold wedding cake and cupcakes I would have laughed at them. However the green and gold cake came about after a last minute cake wobble after our final visit to the Penthouse before the wedding. It was the perfect cake for our venue.

Our niece promptly insisted we cut our cheese tower. We totally went for taste rather than stacking suitability (how it should be)

"Uncle Jimbo hurry up and cut the cheese cake it stinks"

the rest of the night was spent drinking Mojitos (well I seemed to spend the majority of the night losing my drinks) , dancing, mingling with our guests and giving guided tours of our suite haha.........

Including our very own Venart!

At 1:00am the night was over and Juris and I headed back to our suite where we sat drinking Pina Coladas until the sun came up pondering how we had ended up in one of the most expensive hotel suites in the country at the end of our wedding day. A vision neither of us had ever dreamed of.

The next morning we were greeted from our slumber by a nice pair of hangovers but what better place to suffer a hangover than tucked up in a giant bed at The Dorchester? I staggered over to the phone evidently still drunk to order us some room service breakfast. We then wrapped ourselves in the big fluffy bath robes and headed to the lounge to open our cards we even found a lovely scented candle in our honeymoon trunk which was a gift from the hotel.

Our delicious breakfast arrived which was the perfect antidote for our hangovers.

We were very sad to have to pack up belonging to leave The Dorchester so we grabbed a Bloody Mary down in the promenade bar while waiting for our taxi to perk us up.

All The Small Things

The bits I forgot to mention along the way,

We were keen to infuse some Latvian into the wedding so we imported mini bottles of Latvian fizz as evening favours

As mentioned earlier our flowers were sadly not what we wanted or up to standard.

N&P

Firstly I would like to thank all you Otters, HOFS and Hitchers for all the help, entertainment, banter and general wonderfulness during the wedding planning process.

Venue- The Dorchester https://www.dorchestercollection.com/london/the-dorchester who treated us like superstars on the day.

Main Photographer (all pics by Janis in this report from when I mention his arrival unless otherwise stated) - Janis Ratneiks https://www.janisratnieks.com/

Cake - https://rachelles.co.uk/

Cheese Tower - https://www.paxtonandwhitfield.co.uk/

Best Girl Dress- Dsquared https://www.dsquared2.com/

Dolce & Gabbana, Valentino, John Galliano, Gucci, Alberto Moretti, Acne Studios, Lanvin, Jean Michel cazabat for making all my fabulous clothes, shoes and accessories .

My husband the wedding planner & his business partners for all the freebies, extra photos and help on the day and during the wedding planning process http://www.jjmerriment.com/

*shamless plug* they have a competition running over on facebook so go visit if you fancy winning your wedding photography for free. https://www.facebook.com/jjmerriment

Urban Retreat @ Harrods for Best Girls hair and makeup https://www.urbanretreat.co.uk/harrods.aspx

Jonathan @ http://www.hairbyjamiestevens.co.uk/ for my wedding chop

for the mini whisky /Products/Penderyn/Penderyn-Single-Malt-Madeira-finished-5cl

My lovely friend who filmed our wedding for free and did such a sterling job I have encouraged her to go pro. https://www.takes2videos.com/

Addison Lee for their taxi and courier services https://www.addisonlee.com/

Dam you Mini interrupting the flow of my report ?

I just clicked on this in. utter excitement! can't wait! !

I'm loving the 'coming soon' suspense-builder pic!

Boo! I was expecting a megaflashathon and all I got was a lousy placeholder. ☹️

I've sooooo been looking forward to this, more so than any report I can remember. I don't need my suspense building any more thank you very much!

Ahh I was getting ready to read this on my commute!

Me too! Funky just wanted to say you look great with and without the extra weight!

Hurry up with the flashes though, reaaaaaaaally looking forward to this one!

So funny.

Maybe a new category for most waited for wedding report.........

The Dorchester e.? Oooo posh!

There's great expectations now Funky!!

This is all seriously FAB - cannot wait for the rest!

Oh, and "mega balls"? I'm so stealing that.

Eeek no pressure!

This report malarkey takes ages will finish tomorrow.

I LOVE this photo Funky. It made me feel all squishy ?

Loving the report and the flashes. Oh so long awaited!!

Make sure you post when it's all completed! I'm going to wait and read it all in one sitting (possibly with a cocktail as recommended ;-))

Noooooo, don't leave me in suspense!

LOVE your report so far.

Bloody hell funky, I'm crying already. The photo of you having a little blub got me going.

Love it so far, keep it coming.

However I have just seen the comment about my potty mouth.....

My favourite wedding report EVER and not a big white dress in sight! I have serious wedding envy.

I'm not sure if I should continue I fear for your safety!

Epic so far...

On a similar vein to trash the dress....If you and Juris ever fancy a trash the suit session, please let me know!!!!!!

Peter

A complete joy to read! I love the thoughtful taking of breakfast photos too!

Can't wait for the rest!

Oh my gosh what beautiful pictures!