Getting Married In Secret in 2 Months!!

I think you need to do it in person when you get back.

Maybe arrange a little family evening party thing and then just make an announcement.

It will probably be hard as they would have wanted to share your special day with you but at least then you can turn this party into a little wedding reception party and hopefully that will help the mood!

xx

Hi

I had thought about this, but we both have parents who are divorced and re-married, and they would not all sit the same room as each other

thank you

How come? I thought this about OH's parents at our wedding and they were amazing.

My mother actually did this a few years ago. She'd been with my step-dad for years and had never even mentioned marriage to any of us but one night she called me (and was a bit drunk by this stage) to drop the bomb that they, along with their best friends who were in a similar situation, had had a secret joint wedding that afternoon!

I'll admit I was a bit annoyed at first but she explained that as it was second time round they didn't want a big fuss and also beacuse they didn't want to spend a fortune (or to have guests spending money travelling etc) so they just done it their own way. I was actually only annoyed for a few minutes ?

At the end of the day, it is your day and its up to you how you want to do it so don't let anyone make you feel bad once you tell them. I actually think the card with the photo and poem is agreat idea

I agree with jklee!

I would definitely avoid doing it in a card and poem. I agree they will be upset, especially as you have set a date and they will be all excited about seeing you in your dress and your dad giving you away etc. If your parents won't be in the same room together then just do 2 separate 'tellings', just make sure they are very close together, so nobody finds out through someone else and causes more hurt. Then when you and everyone are ready have a party. Your parents will have to put up with it the same as they would if you didn't 'run away'.

Ok your probably not going to like this but my sister done this and it really really hurt the rest of the family, she done it on a Tuesday and phoned me at work to tell me she has just got married, whist I respected her reasons for doing it, the actual act it's self was very hurtful to the rest of the family and is still something that is talked about now 4 years on. I dont honestly think there is any way that you can tell your family with out it upsetting them and them feeling very left out.

Sorry but I think a lot of people are missing the point OP did not want the big wedding.

You do what you want and if the family don't like it, it's their problem. Sorry but I get fed of people doing what other people want!

If it were me then I would call immediate family mums/dads and then send a card, maybe throw a little party if you want to - have a great day !!!

Another vote for doing it in person - even if you have to have two seperate "family gatherings" to tell everyone.

I know that to you and your OH, the wedding isn't a big deal at all, but to many other people weddings are a really big deal - quite often the family members seem to care more about the wedding than the two people getting married! But you really need to be mindful of that when you break the news.

I hope it goes down as well as can be expected and your family and friends understand. Good luck

I think if you tell everyone before you do it and give them time to adjust it might go down better. I couldn't imagine not having my mum and bro with me though.

I could never do this, my Mum and Dad would have been destroyed. My SIL did it (although without her having any advance knowledge about it) and I saw how upset my PILs were and actually how regretful she is sometimes.

When you felt the wedding was getting a bit much for you, did you talk with them about it? Were there arguments/problems that were clearly exposed? Did you tell them you were unhappy with it all? I ask because, if so, it might be slightly less of a shock for them to hear you've sacked it all off. If, however, you never objected and gave them a chance to mend any issues, it might be much more difficult for them.

I'd do it in person, never by card. I think that looks a bit cowardly. I'd also, despite how you might feel, really focus on the fact that you wanted to do it just the two of you, not that you didn't want what they had envisioned. It's a subtle difference but it might make them feel less to blame (even if they are). I'd also avoid a public place to do the telling, as I honestly think you're going to have to deal with a lot of emotion.

Hi

Can't figure out how to post a normal reply lol

thank you for all the thoughts and feedback. It has given me plenty to think about.

I have never been one for fuss or attention so was also after a day that reflected that, however it had turned into a wedding where the budget was £18000!! We all know everybody goes over budget so we're taking more like £20k for 1 day!

Yet none of the money was being spent on things we wanted. All seemed to be around 'pleasing the guests' and 'did it meet family expectations'. I felt that this is the one day where every decision should be about me and OH, yet we weren't making any decision for us, all to 'impress family'.

I fully understand this is a family day, therefore i feel family should be happy with just being there, not who's got what presents, and if the food is good enough (3 courses £65 a head and my mum moaned at the sample meal!!)

thank you for your comments, i think i meal after the wedding is the best route to go down. whether we have one or 2 is a different matter lol

xxxx

I would be incredibly hurt if someone did this to me, but I can understand your reasons. If you don't like how things are happening then it's your wedding- change it! Going from a full-on 20k wedding to a private one is very extreme. Perhaps if people had realised they would lose the opportunity to be there then they may have backed off.

I agree it needs to be shared in person, and be prepared for serious upset and rifts off the back of it. I don't think my Mum would speak to me again!!

I respect your decision to get married in person and avoid the expense and the 'circus' of the day, but think you need to be prepared for family / close friends to be offended, particularly if there were already plans for a big wedding which now they obviously won't be going to. I definately think you should tell them in person rather than send a card, as it might feel a bit impersonal, even if you have to do it a few times as certain family members won't be able to be in the same room. Kudos though to you for having the bravery to do it your way and not feel obliged to do it someone else's way. xx

I would prefer to tell my parents before I left to get married rather than after the secret wedding. At least they can send you on your merry way with a card and their best wishes.

The thought of a parent sitting watching tv on a normal Saturday night whilst her daughter/son is getting married somewhere and not know anything about it is heartbreaking. At least they can be thinking of you on your day. If you don't get the reaction you like when you return it will spoil the whole wedding experience for you, I would at least get it over with first.

I personally think you should do what you want. if they are abit hurt, then tough. They will get over it, you want the day you and your OH want so do it, people will understand.

You could have a meal and give a little card to each person with a few photos of the day so they can see how much of a lovely day you had. you can personalise each one. dont feel guilty everyone is different and you should 100% do what is right ?

My auntie got married and called my dad (it was his sister) to say they had just got married. He was abit ...'oh you could of told me before hand'but she explained she wasnt one for attention and the cost was too much, people understand and it was what she wanted. they all went out for a nice meal to celebrate the wedding they had and what they wanted.

Good luck and am sure you will have an amazing day xxx

I agree with some of the others when they say that it might be best to tell your parents before.

Are you paying for the £20,000 wedding yourselves? Could you have a sit down with your parents before and say something like: "This has all got out of hand. We'd rather have the £20K of our savings to spend on house/child/whatever. We're planning on having an intimate ceremony in 2 months instead"

Wow. We wanted to run off and get married, and we got as far as booking the trip abroad to do it, but then I fell pregnant and there was no way we could do it without our family once we knew that.

I totally understand your reasons as to why you want to go off and do it, and having parents that dont get on sometimes doesnt help. Can you compromise by having a blessing or something else? after you are married? That way you can still have everyone together, but the expectations are less, and you can maybe have a late meal and music/dancing? Or just go somewhere for a big meal?

People would get hurt by you running off if they arent aware that the wedding is taking on a life of it's own. But if you have tried to talk about reducing it down, or anything else, and it has fallen on deaf ears, then that is fair enough.

My sister and her husband did this. They went to Las Vegas and sent postcards home saying that they had got married. I was incredibly upset as my sister and I are very close and I couldn't believe she did it without telling any of us.

When I spoke to her when she returned she explained her reasons. They had a party to celebrate about 6 weeks later and that was really nice as they played their wedding video and we all felt included and able to celebrate with them.

I think it may be best to tell them before you go and explain your reasons. It's a tough one as they are bound to feel hurt but it's also you and your OHs wedding day. Good luck x

Personally, I disagree. I know my wedding day will be one of the happiest days of my parents lives as well as my own, my grandma is 92 and may not live to see another grandchild get married, it's not just about me and OH. I know my parents would be devastated if I got married without them there to share it with me, and when I have children I can imagine I would be devastated if I didn't get to see them get married.

I know my OH would have loved to elope just the two of us, but I couldn't have done it for the above reasons, it wouldn't have felt right. So instead we're having a very small wedding of about 25 close family and friends, is this not an option OP?

As others have suggested, it's probably best to sit down with your parents and warn them, to avoid any fallout.

The dynamics of family relationships vary enormously and over the years I have seen a variety of separated parents attitudes on the day itself. Some still won't acknowledge their old partners whilst some put aside their issues for the day.

Going back to the main essence of the OP, it is obvious that the wedding has snowballed in to something you don't want. Perhaps though, there may be alternatives. Your original wedding date is next year, so that is still some time away and cancelling that is something you would have to do anyway. Why not consider sticking with your Scottish marriage and then have a blessing a couple of weeks later with a smaller amount of family and friends. Make it a more laid back day rather than that which often goes with the bigger occasions. This way you keep it more personal(and save several 1000s in the process)

There will be some people who will be upset, although this way may well lessen that as they should appreciate your lower key wedding arrangement.

For different reasons to your own, My OH and I cancelled our wedding that was due to have happened earlier this month. We actually hadn't done much at all so didn't lose any money which made the decision easier. As soon as we decided we told everyone who knew the date and were expecting to be invited (family, close friends). We are now considering what to do and have decided to do a small family ceremony and meal with a party at a later date (a few months or a year) where we will show a video of the ceremony to friends. My OH and I both have very understanding family (it sounds like your mum is maybe less understanding) which has allowed us to do this. We considered eloping but it wasn;t ever really an option as I don't think it will feel real for me if I don't have my family there. We would have told them in advance if we choose this, which we can do as we know they will understand.

I agree with those who say your family will be hurt if you tell them afterwards (in person). My advice is to cancel the wedding, explain to family and close friends that you have changed your mind about what you want and are going to start again. Then plan an intimate ceremony and meal being very firm about what you want. It sounds as those you want to elope to 'escape' the pressure from your mum but you will make thinks more difficult for yourself when you reveal what you have done. Stand up to her in a firm way, making it clear that you want a wedding, with her there, in your own style. If she can't accept this then you may have to have the wedding without her there, making it clear that this is what is happening and that it is her choice. Sorry if I have got the wrong idea about your mum here - it is my impression from your posts so far. This will limit any fall out, allow you to have family with you (assuming you want this at all) and give you and OH the control of your day that you obviously feel you are lacking. Best of luck with whatever you decide and I hope you have a wonderful day.