ggrr in-laws rant opinions/advice please

I'll be the first to say it: your MIL is a biatch.

I second this - I thought my MIL was bad but this really takes the biscuit.

You're not over-reacting, keep your distance from them if that's how they are going to behave.

Your MIL sounds incredibly stupid and small minded. It is your H's reponsibility to stand up to her on your behalf and tell her how it is going to be if they want to continue visits. he needs to make it clear what is unacceptable behaviour and what needs to change. So yes you are quite right to keep your distance until H has had that conversation.

Hey Mrs

Sorry to hear your MIL is being an utter cow. A slip up of the name once ot twice could be put down to an age thing but it seems to me that it's happening once too often for it to be an accident. Probabaly doens't help that you don't see then much (understandable btw!) and they seem to see ex-b!tch a lot more. For some reason, some people like to cling onto the past and are so blinkered that they can't see how completely rude and selfish they are being. I think you've done well to bite your tongue as long as you have.

If you want my advice (!), I think you've done your very best to pander to them and try to make them like you. MIL is clearly a *** and is having none of it so if I were you I would stay away. They know where you are if they need you. I would only engage with then when you have to - i.e. picking up daughter from their's, essential family events etc. Be pleasant and smiley because if her plan is to make you feel awful, seeing that it's not working will really p*ss her off

As for hubby, it's not great that he didn't say anything, but men are are bit like that aren't they. He probably feels a bit stuck in the middle with no idea how to fix it. Maybe let him know that it's not his fault, you don't expect him to fix the situation (do you? Can he?) but that you won't let MIL treat you like a doormat and allow her to be horrible and that's why you're keeping your distance. Maybe like Soybean says, he could have a conversation with her and let her know her behaviour will not be tolerated (although I'm guessing since it's been going on 6 years, it may aready have been mentioned to her?)

Hope that helps, but it's definitely your MIL being a cow IMO! xxx

H doesn't like confrontation he is very shy and quiet ,I have kept my mouth shut for his sake,I'm a a hard person and let a lot go over my head but with this how long do I let them keep doing it .I don't want to nag at h or let it cause arguments between us because that will be what they want on the other hand I don't want them to know they have got to me as again they will have won .but I think I'm done with them just wanted to make sure I wasn't being petty over his ex or a hideous pic or being a spoilt brat that our arrangements were made via his ex .

If H doesn't like confrontation then you really have no option but to keep your distance. I agree the last thing you want to do is cause problems between you and H as then you're playing into their hands. I would try and forget them as much as it is possible, and concentrate on yours, H and daughters lovely life together. If they see you're not rising then all the better - although I know it must be hard to do. And no, it's not you and you're not going mad MIL sounds like a horrible, selfish woman. Lots of hugs xx

I should also add as much as H won't say anything as he would rather avoid than confront I know he would also say away if I don't go near them as that happened before but I don't want them thinking I've stopped him as I would never do that ,in a sense that's his way of backing me up ,last time I told them what I thought about them we didn't speak to them for 18 months ,then they called round she was crying saying she didn't see her son and like a fool I felt sorry for her and tried to make an effort .

I would hate this and I think your H needs to man up and say something to his parents!!

Its one thing with the slip up of names in the beginning, but you've been together 6 years!! Its hardly like you are a new addition.

Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with them, if they want to keep up their relationship with his ex thats their perogative, but to then alienate you because of it is totally unfair. How does your H feel about their relationship with his ex wife?

I'm amazed at this! Honestly what wankers.

Your MIL is definitely a b!tch as other have said. If your OH won't have the conversation with them about their behaviour then l wouldn't be having anything to do with them. Should you bump into them then l would be pleasant and all smiles but that is it.

My H is like this too. He did attempt to explain to his family how we felt about their behaviour towards me (and my family!) and it was awful. In our situation, we do live in different countries so it makes it a little easier to avoid them but more difficult to resolve the conflict - it had be done over the phone and resulted in shouting and tears & the typical emotional blackmail that MIL subjects my H to. Right now, we are in a 'silent war' with the in-laws; H isn't happy with them but isn't comfortable to start discussing it again; they chat about random/day-to-day stuff but nothing like the close relationship they had before.

My advice would be for you to reduce the time you spend with them - don't end it immdiately as it will look too obvious and MIL will know she gets to you. The fact that the ex has a child with your OH is probably (slightly) why MIL is behaving like this - she probably doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchild. I'm not saying that behaviour is ok but it may explain it some bit. When you do spend time with them, just let those comments fly over your head - I know it's easier said than done but a reaction to them is probably what she would delight in. Don't engage in any negative comments about any of them; just smile and let it go. Don't try to befriend the MIL or the ex; just behave as you would in a professional/work situation - distant and no emotional reaction. Give it time and it will get easier, I promise. Reducing the contact will also help - it's perfectly normal for you to have other stuff on when he's going to see them!

Some alternative options - for the picture, you could be really bold and print off a much better one & hand it to her, loudly announcing that you got a 'professional photo' done epecially for her to replace the 'amature' one in the frame - it may embarass her into replacing it - depends how pushy you feel you could be. I probably wouldn't be able to do this but it is an option..! When she call's you the ex's name, correct her and make a joke of it - you could continue to do this and joke about her getting muddled - that's a rather mean way to do it but the way she's doing it so frequently makes me think she's either really losing it/confused or jsut being intentionally mean. I know you shouldn't fight fire with fire but, sometimes, there's no other way.

The above is just my advice, feel free to ignore if you wish. I did struggle to know how to manage my relations with my in-laws after the initial conflict so I bought a book on it and my advice above is losely based on that. FWIW, that book advises not to drag your OH into it however I had already done that so I disagree with that bit! My OH is so quiet and will do anything for an easy life, he'll let anyone walk all over him.

Nobody quote me please!

That's shocking behaviour! Your MIL sounds like a real nasty piece of work and you're definitely wise to stay away.

Personally, I think your H should have a word. I know it'd be difficult for him, but his mum is behaving like a brat and needs to be told to grow the f*** up!

If it was me from now on I would make a big point of correcting her everytime she called you the wrong name, you've been with your H for long enough now there's no excuse for it.

H hates his ex with a passion she almost drove him to a breakdown with her lies she had them rolling out of her mouth and it got worse when our wedding plans were announced, I was the one that picked up the pieces with him,I can see their point about keeping contact with the ex for granddaughter and access but if they spoke to him as much as they do the ex his relationship with his parents would be better and he would take his daughter round to see them every weekend .

I've also thought of getting a pic in a nice frame for her as a present but now have come to the decision I ain't wasting any money on her now .

Also thank you all for replying I know now it's not in my head ,I don't think I could even go round now and bite my tongue as I would fly off on one and just look like a mad woman.

I would be livid if this kept happening to me and my H did nothing about it. Your H needs to tell your MIL to stop.

I agree your h needs to stand up to her and tell her it's not acceptable. Theres a difference between saying nothing for an easy life and just letting her do what she likes. If she asks you to look at a wedding album, say no thank you and suggest your oh does the same. Ask him to ask them to put plans through him and take a photo for the new frame next time you go. Just say that's an awful one of us let me change it for you. And change the picture there and then. A lot of people like this wouldn't do it if they were stood up to, and standing up to doesnt always mean getting in a fight or causing a row. I'd ignore the name thing as it's clearly to get a rise out of you, even answer to it, and hopefully she'll get bored. She sounds like a right witch though!

WSS. I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue as long as you have!

WSS. I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue as long as you have!

You win worst mil award this year methinks.

What a nasty woman. I would avoid her and if your paths are forced to cross then go all out in the sweet and lovely passive aggressive front on them. Drives mil's mad, (I should know mine isn't speaking to me atm-result! ) my mil thinks I want to hear the story if how great mrmini was when he became a father with his ex- I don't.

sorry you have had to go through this though, must be a knock.

When they use the wrong name do you correct them?

Or better, say that you are concerned about them as they have some of the symptoms of elderly onset Alzheimer's/dementia.... ?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but H avoiding them is not dealing with the problem. He may not like confrontation (and not many people do) but there are times when you have to stand up for what is right, especially in the case where his wife is so clearly affected. Your interests should be his priority in the case of such unreasonable behaviour. You aren't nagging him, you just need to have a conversation about it and tell him what you think is reasonable and the impact it is having on you.

She is being a devious nasty stupid cow and I think its awful she so clearly values her ex daughter in law over her own son.

You cant pick your family and I think you have done more than your fair share.

Like someone else said, dont pander, minimal visits and minimal contact. If your OH wants to see more of them that you do, he can do so solo.

Re ex wife - thats a trickier situation, there is a child involved etc. I would leave that one to OH.

Your Ils have the right to see their exDIL and their Granddaughter. It isn't even too unreasonable for the mother of your OH's child to contact him to say we're at such and such so can you pick her up from here, as long as it isn't significantly farther than where she lives. I can even understand (and even empathise with) the fact that if you get to know someone as part of a couple it's hard to dissociate that connection in your mind so the name thing is almost forgivable if it were in isolation (see example of this below**).

Individually, the things that you have listed could be forgetfulness or crass, but as a pattern it's just too much. She is behaving awfully towards you, and your OH isn't intervening. You might not be able to make her change, but it's not unreasonable at all to expect your OH to say something and not accept you being treated this way. It seems neither of you have addressed it and now it has become a pattern which will be hard to break. But you are talking about what, potentially another 30 years as a family? Disengagement seems like a simple option but it isn't realistic as they are local and are so involved in your SDs life. The problem needs to be addressed and pointed out every time your MIL belittles you in any way. They don't have the right to openly disrespect you, their current DIL.

** my embarrassing example: I've known my OH for over 25 years and for the first 22 of them he was with his ex. I spent hours drafting and printing our wish tags for the wedding and put her name on instead of mine ..... I'm nowhere near 65 !

Totally this. I would not be a happy bunny if my H let his mother get away with treating me like that without saying anything. It's fine being gentle-natured/not liking conflict (that's lovely!), but you're his wife!

Fao momb : know what you are saying about me having no right to say who they can and can't speak to I'm not doing that ,I even got on with his ex picking up sd from school when ex was too ill ect, but I stepped back a bit when she started with the umpteenth round of lies about H just before our wedding. But I just seem to be the but end of mil and and ex jokes while they have their cosy coffee mornings.And I was getting at it would of been nice to be asked if we were doing anything weekend not be told by ex "you are at his mum's for tea on Sat",as for calling by ex wife name yes I think she can help it as she managed it twice on hen do and wedding day in front of my family and friends ,who were waiting to drop kick her if she said it .I see also the only thing mil owes ex is a slap for the way she has treated her son and once ex has no use for mil I know for a fact she will drop her like a bag of s++t,as she only using her for control over H and to get information.

I'm sorry. I tend to reflect things back and rejig and I didn't make myself clear. I think that individually these things may be accidental or thoughtless but together they show a pattern of disrespect to you as an individual that you as a couple, and particularly your OH, need to address. In short you need to call them on it; every single time, until it stops.

I don't think you were telling them who they could see, but your OH's ex was presuming to tell you that you were seeing the ILs for tea, which may be an oversight on the ILs part but is part of this lack of respect.

Once again, sorry I didn't make myself clear. She is being a nightmare, but disengaging isn't going to fix it, alas.

I see where you are coming from in respect of it being an over site ,but it has happened many times before where she know of family events 2weeks before mil told us about them ex takes great pleasure in telling us,one time I had to phone the ex and ask her which venue I was supposed to be at as I turned up after work to meet in-laws there and no one was there when I arrived only for ex to tell me yes your at the right place they are running late,as no one else was answering their phone's .

I don't really have any advice I can offer as thankfully I have a good relationship with my Future ILs but I just wanted to sympathise and say that this is really awful.

Do you call you MIL by her first name? If so, then if I was you I'd be tempted to accidentally call her by a similar name e.g. if her name is Joan, I'd start calling her Jean and then if she ever called you on it say "oh I'm so sorry. how awfully silly of me to get your name wrong after 6 years'. I know it's petty but after the way she's treating you, I think you'd be forgiven for being petty.

Ah, shitty MILs are my speciality.

Speaking from my own experience, you cannot change her, she is a nasty tw@t. But your H NEEDS to stand up for you. It's not good enough that he doesn't like confrontation - he needs to tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable. Otherwise you will start to resent him for keeping his mouth shut every time they attempt to humiliate you. You are his wife now, you come first. If he's not willing to do that, then I would just keep my distance and not see her unless you absolutely have to.

I have thought about calling her a different name many times but I just can't be bothered dropping to her level, I have just had a discussion with H about it all and how I feel I also put it to him how he would feel if my family did it to him calling him by my ex name ect have told him it needs addressing but not this weekend as sd has not seen her grandparents for over 3 weeks due to them being away and I don't want to ruin that for her with conflict and arguments I still won't be going but things need to be said after weekend and H agreed so we will see what happens .

I'm glad your H is going to speak to her, good man! I'm sorry you're having to deal with such nasty behaviour and I hope it gets sorted soon ?

You are all way to nice, I would totally be calling her out on it and telling her what a c@nt she is being.