Grown apart from bridesmaid

Hi Pugsley,

I am sorry that your relationship with you BM is becoming quite distant...

Not being in possession of all the facts, but hearing your side of the story as the bride, I can only say that if I was in your position I would have to speak openly and frankly with the BM (but nicely, of course) and ask whether she still wishes to be part of the wedding party.

I assume that, if you asked her to be BM, you had a close relationship before all this?If so, there may be a number of reasons why she is acting in this manner and it may be better to find out now.

Just imagine... If you are feeling this stressed with her now, what will it be like on the day (and building up to it) if you just let it continue?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best!

Andrea de Gabriel.

Can you have a quiet word with her, see what she's up against ? Lots of people spend money on things they don't need when they arent in a position to do do, but it might be easier to use credit for a car/dress whereas a hen night probably needs real hard cash? O

Would also be hurt/upset, but there may be a reason, and you do know that this isn't personal to you as your other friends have also seen a change in her.

But if you do talk to her, do it face to face, or at worst a call. Don't email or text or Facebook. It'll go horribly wrong if you do, as it's far to easy to rad the wrong tone /intent to what's meant.

Hope it all works out ok

I guess you have to really think about whether you still want her as a friend. I have seen this happen a lot to my friends as we've got older; one person in the group distances herself from everyone, doesn't come out for nights out, etc, doesn't reply to texts or calls, the usual behaviour...sometimes they just don't realise they are being like that and other times it is deliberate as they are just moving in life and feel they want new friends (thus has actually happened in our group). So I guess you have to ask yourself if you really want this person in your life anymore, it seems they aren't bothered whether you are in theirs or not. From experience of this, I would try and talk to get and if it doesn't work (sounds as though it won't...) I would just leave her to it. Don't bother with trying to keep in touch and don't have her as bridesmaid. It sounds harsh but sometimes people don't realise the consequences of their behaviour until things change. If it is making you upset then I would just deal with it head on. Life is too short to allow people to treat you badly. Part of me thought (when reading your post) that perhaps she might not be very well (depression?) but you will only know if you try and speak to her. If talking only results in her being angry then I would just walk away.

Thank you for your replies.

She's never been in a 'real' relationship or had a proper boyfriend and genuinely does not appear to want a boyfriend. I did wonder whether she feels a bit detached from all of us as we are all but one (who very recently came out of a long term relationship) settled and either married, engaged or living as though married. But I'd like to point out that we have never in my opinion made her feel like the odd one out or anything like that and don't often do coupley things so I don't think this is the issue.

I think what I'll do is ask her casually if anything is ok and mention how she has been and see what her reaction is. I'll also ask whether I have done anything personally which may have upset her unknowingly.

I'm sadly at the point where I feel like giving up as it's not a 2 way friendship and hasn't been for a while. One of the other girls in the group has basically washed her hands of her and only sees her when we go out as a group for the same reasons I feel like giving up.

My concern is that by asking her not to be a BM anymore it will damage any friendship which may be there and I would also not like it to be awkward for the other girls which it could end up being..... there was another girl who we all used to be very friendly who stood up to this girl once years ago as my bm did something pretty nasty/selfish and couldn't see that she was in the wrong. Although we all tried to stay out of it as much as possible (although I did try telling bm what she did wasn't nice... she had a one night stand with the other girl's ex who she was clearly still in love with) and we tried to stay friends with the other girl we don't see her anymore.

I just wish she would listen to what so many people down the line have said to her (I know of 3 people who've sat her down and told her she is selfish, in her own little bubble and is only out for herself) as I think she will end up losing more and more friends over the years for the same reason.

I also wish I hadn't chosen her as BM and had realised sooner what she's like. More fool me. ☹️

Bridezilla moment may have been justified. I think one of the girls hear said it best that she maybe feeling awkward with friends marrying off. I'd put her to side one in my mind and move on, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Sorry your dealing with this situation, its not pleasant.

Thanks Elixia.

I spoke to my other bm (who has already given up) and she said she thinks the best thing is to ignore her and deal with it later as she can see the stress dealing with a fall out would be a lot to cope with before the wedding.

Obviously if something is staring me in the face or crops up I'll deal with it otherwise I'll leave her to it. For now i'll just distance myself a bit and see what happens.

Everyone had given you great advice, - I can't add anymore!

But just wanted to say I am thinking about you, not a nice thing to go through. I am glad you have a supportive BM though

x

I think giving her some distance and leaving her to make a few moves as someone else mentioned would be the step I would take. Some people when they are asked to be bridesmaids initially find it exciting that they've been asked and will be wearing a fabulous dress and 'glammed up' for the day but also find it hard to cope with the fact that they won't be the centre of attraction. A lot of women hate this and don't like the idea of being upstaged by someone else. If she is a person who tends to be on the selfish side, then this may be part of the problem.

Others, like your other bridesmaid, look upon it as an honour that they can be part of your day in a special way and support you as a true friend on what is one of the most important days of your life.

Is she unwell, mentally or physically? Could she have some sort of stress going on in her life that you're not aware of - family/financial/work/other? What you're describing is ringing a few warning bells for me.

People don't usually just drop off the radar like this for no reason. Making unwise spending decisions can be a symptom of something else and isn't always just selfish/thoughtless. It is sad that she's made you feel this way to the extent you're considering dropping her as a BM, but I wouldn't want to write off your whole friendship just yet. Try to get together with her for a proper chat, not a confrontation, doesn't even have to be about the wedding stuff as you've still got plenty of time, and work out what's going on with her.

Thanks again for your replies.

I did wonder if something is really wrong but I don't think she's hiding anything & we are usually an open group who share our problems & pick up on each others.

As she has always been a bit selfish for all the years I've known her the only thing I can think of is that as we haw got older she just finds me boring now I'm settled down and don't go out drinking as much which is all she does. Or if we do go out my idea of a night out is a bit different to hers now.

I definitely don't want to write off the friendship, I just feel exhausted by her behaviour and having to do whatever she wants or risk her sulking.

If this has only happened over the last few weeks/months then maybe something has happened in her life that she is struggling with and she just doesn't want to talk about it. A close friend of mine distanced herself for our friendship group when she was made redundant, when she finally spoke to us about it she told us she'd felt like such a failure compared to the rest of us and that coupled with the financial implications really got her down and she just hid herself away for a while. We all felt really bad when she's finally opened up to us as we'd all had a good moan about what a rubbish friend she was being, turns out it was us who had let her down when she needed us.

If you are really sure that there's is nothing stressful going on in her life then I would just try and ignore it and not get you down. At the end of the day she's missing out on having fun times with her friends and that's her loss.