Guest List, old school friends

Hi, and welcome to the forum! ?

I can see what your issue is. I moved away from my home town, so I have a lot of old school friends there. I still speak to quite a few of them too. With my limited budget, I've pretty much said my wedding is a family only and close current friends, but all my old friends are invited to the hen do, which I'll be doing in their neck of the woods so they can come to celebrate with me.

If I had invited a few to the wedding and not others though I think it would depend. If they were all close then I think I'd feel inclined to invite all the close ones, but as you said, you don't speak to those two anyway that much any more, so I can't imagine they'd be insulted if you only invited them to the evening!

I think every invitation list comes up with some issues like this.

Personally, I think that - certainly as far as friends are concerned - go with what works for you. In your situation I'd not invite the two friends to the daytime (maybe put a note in saying 'wished we could have invited you to the whole thing, but unfortunately we're limited on numbers'). I think most people are fairly understanding that venues and budgets limit numbers and force difficult choices like this.

And, of course, generally we do feel obligated to invite family members - which reduces the number of friends we can have there. Again, I think most people understand this.

(You may be able to boost some people from evening to day guests later if/when you get a few people not able to make it, of course).

I agree invite them to the evening also. It's their choice then whether to accept or decline. Everyone has budgets to adher to and venue capabilities. If you don't make a big deal of it with lots of excuses why then I don't think they will. I wouldn't chose friends from where I used to live who I hardly speak to anymore over people I might want who I am now much closer to. In your position I'm sure they would do the same

I think it comes down to what makes you happy and who you really want to be part of your day.

If you hardly talk to them then I don't see why they would be offended if you invited them to the evening only. However, I can see your predicament if you used to be really close to them.

I went to an old school friends wedding not long ago and approximately 7 of us where invited for the whole day and 3 invited to the evening only. I didn't here any negative comments or bad feeling from those invited to the evening only.

I think it would be important to stress to them that it is purely a numbers thing and due to the size of your families you are tight on numbers, they should understand that.

I have a similar predicament as I have a large family who will all be invited and I also have lots of old school friends who I don't see regularly or even speak to regularly but couldn't imagine not inviting them as they have been a part of my life in some way for over 15 years and know my family and when we are together its like we have never been apart. As bad as it sounds I will be inviting those old school friends to the whole day over people I speak to a lot more regularly (such as my socialising friends who I see regularly but I only ever see in big groups for example) and work friends who I see every day (they will all be invited to the evening) due to the fact that when I look back in twenty years time I know I will be glad they were part of my special day and that I would want to see them on my wedding pics! ( I know that probably sounds a bit weird and gushy!!).

I personally don't think you should invite people to your hen do who you have no intention of inviting to your wedding and I would be offended if I was. Maybe I am sensitive and maybe this isn't an opinion shared by others but the whole point of the hen is because you are getting married and I would feel like I am seen as less important if I was not invited to the wedding. I would feel I am there to make up numbers or that I am not seen as a true friend just a 'party' friend. I would also begrudge spending the money on the hen do too.

I was in the same boat - we're a group of 10 school friends, 2 of which are my best friends. Both OH and I spend time with them and their partners, and they're all coming to the whole day. The other 8 of my friends are nice, but I haven't met their partners and they have only briefly met my OH - they are coming to the reception.

It came down to the point that I want to make my vows in front of people who know and love US. People coming later to the party can help keep the dance floor full

Thanks for the replies ladies yeah i can imagine most people have these issues!

Your replies have made me realise that if I really wanted them to the day over others then I'd have made sure they were on the list in the first place, and I shouldn't be stressing about it so much. Hopefully they won't be insulted or anything with an evening invite, after all I've only seen them twice this year that I can think of.

Hopefully a few guests can't make it haha then I could upgrade them to the day if needs be!

Thanks everyone!

I would be prepared for fallout if you invite them to evening only, if you do it I'd recommend some tact. Me and OH were once invited to evening only of an old school friend out of a group of 5 friends of whom I'd say one was closer to the bride than us, the other 2 equally close as we were. When we got the evening invite we assumed the others would have been invited to evening only as well as we were all a group together. We were asked to the church in the morning and when we went to the church we asked the others what they were doing next and they were like 'going to the wedding? Why aren't you?' And so we had the embarassment of saying we weren't invited. Then we went back to OH's parents house and basically we're both very upset and nearly didn't go to the evening do, when we went we had to wait 40 minutes outside because the speeches had overrun so we couldn't go in yet and when we went and found our friends they kept saying how nice the meal/ speeches were and it was just a bit rubbish for us, I am generally forgiving but my OH was extremely annoyed by how it all happened. On the other hand if she had communicated with us and said 'we're having the others the full day but didn't have space so could only invite you in the evening' I'd have been much more ok with it, it was the surprise of only realising on the day that we were being treated differently than others in the group. I should say also that we didn't say anything about how we felt and were very pleasant and gracious to the bride and groom but it did cause us to drift apart afterwards.

I should say this was years ago, we were pretty young then and we are now older and wiser. I'm also now planning a wedding and can see how difficult it can be with space and budget so am more understanding. If the same thing happened now I probably wouldn't care, but for my own wedding I am very strict that groups of friends stay together (i.e. all daytime or all evening) as I don't want anyone to feel that they are 2nd class to others in the group.

As I say we probably overreacted (but can't help how we felt) and only you know your friends so if you're sure they'll be ok with it I think it's fine.

My piece of advice would be to invite the people who are important to you here and now, not the people who you predict might be important to you in the future - because really, how can you predict?

For example my Dad is no longer in contact with his best man. there's no dramatic story, no falling out, just over the last 36 years since he married their lives moved in different directions and they communicated less and less until they finally lost touch. Does that mean he chose the wrong person for the job? Absolutely not!

I know that you aren't talking about choosing your bridal party, but the same principle applies to your guest list. The people at your wedding should be the people you love the most and who you really want to celebrate with, not the people who you used to be close to 10 years ago and feel guilty about drifting.

And realistically - if you are already drifting from these old school friends what is it that makes you think they are the ones you'll still be in contact with in the future over and above people who are in your close circle now?