I think the evidence strongly suggests very few people really care
about going to our wedding. It
turns out I could maybe do with getting out there and meeting some
new people with more in common! I am starting to think I don't
want to know who is going to let me down so maybe I should just cancel the
wedding so I don't know who they are! And also so I don't cry on the day thinking so few people care about me?
I
feel like just cancelling it
all and eloping, we would not lose much money as we have only
paid deposits. We could go to canada and get married on a mountain but
we have no one to go with us to be witnesses, everyone has said 'no
thank you' to the canada and mountain part, I suspect because I do not
know many people with similar interests, but then 90% of them
don't want to go to the 'proper' wedding either so it is no surprise
really!
My friend got married a few months ago, everyone is
constantly talking about how lovely her wedding was, it sounded lovely
and intimate, close family only. Everyone was very interested in the
planning, but my somewhat larger wedding, no one cared, there seemed to
be a sense that no one
wanted an invite. Blank looks, glossed over, shut down whenever it was
brought up.
My closest friend was due to be my bridesmaid, I thought she would feel honoured to be given the opportunity considering my only other bridesmaids will be my sisters and I am a somewhat introverted person who doesn't have lots of close friends, and self employed so no work colleagues. Inititally she acted very excited although I should have suspected something was up when our discussion about bridesmaid dresses quickly turned to how she had another friend getting married a few months later (she's not a bridesmaid at that wedding), that she had bought a dress, that it was really expensive and she got it from a boutique, what did I think. Then said she would have a look on ebay to see if there was something for my wedding!? I offered to buy her a dress, I don't have a problem with that, she said she didn't really like any of my choices and she would rather sort it out herself, could she change the colour, the style (and ruin my wedding photo theme, but I agreed anyway because I didn't want to upset her). We are now a month out from the wedding and she has dropped out completley saying, whoops I accidentally double booked that date. Really, how does one manage that exactly? Turns out she has a tinder date coming for a sleepover. This friend was about 10% of my wedding guests.
My closest cousin said she would go then a few
days ago we were discussing the wedding and she was talking about how
amazing my aunts wedding was (years ago now) and her own massive church
and country hotel wedding which apparantly she loved every minute of
(which I went to), then she said she 'might not be able to get time off
work on my wedding date,' despite it being months out at that point and
then suggested maybe we should just elope and listed all the pros of
doing so, eloping feels more 'special' apparantly despite the fact she
didn't. She text me this morning saying she couldn't come.
The
wedding will cost a lot of money because I wanted a particular type of
venue and for it to look special and beautiful, we are spending £160
per person on food, paying for
their accomodation, real champagne, an awesome historic location with a
guided tour and fun live performers etc. No one wants to go, they would
rather go to cheesy weddings at a much cheaper sort of hotel than at a
historic
stately home? Do they really think it would be so boring at our wedding
versus a hotel bar and karaoke (which is really not my scene at all)?
This basically describes the wedding my friend has bought an expensive
dress for, why bother with an expensive dress for that? I don't get it, I
really really don't
get it, I'd love to get an invite to a wedding like mine! Lol, but then I
guess I don't have much in common with my friend? We are
not extroverts but we are sincere people. I'm never horrible to anyone,
ever, I don't even like conflict. I guess I just don't really have
anyone in my life who is on my wavelength (other than DH) and that is
really coming home to me now. I feel very alone right now. I keep
hearing that 'people will come,' no, no they won't, not based on the
evidence, I've checked and most of them are fishing for excuses to bail
on us and using this same expression to refer to the 'other people' they
are sure will be going to assuage themselves of guilt.
Fiance has a couple of friends who I know would drop anything for him to go to
his wedding, even a few work colleagues who are definitely going, looks
like I don't have nearly as many people like that there for me. I am terrified I will spend the
whole evening feeling like an extra at my own wedding, while he is
having a great time with his friends and I just feel sad and unloved, which would get the
marriage off to a very bad start. It should be about us. We don't have any couple friends in common either.
When
I bring the wedding up my
father usually suggests that I 'put it off another year or two,' (I've
already put it off for 14 and we have a child together so why would I
put it off again?) or 'just spend the
money on a bigger house.' Sounds like he doesn't want to go either? He
keeps calling it my 'pretty princess day.' I appreciate not everyone
thinks weddings are a worthwhile use of money but the sense of
reluctance at having to go to it is really upsetting. Don't they want to
see me get married?
Keep in mind both my mother and father
have not offered to spend a penny on my wedding and it has taken a long time
to save for it. They are also divorced so I am the child of the failed
first marriage. I was thrown out to live with my grandparents at 16 because my step father found me
inconvenient. It is pretty clear that no one likes me all that much,
except fiance of course. We are both the black sheep of our families. I was
the geeky, sensitive academic child, the opposite of them.
Fiance's
family are not going either. I am glad about that though as I don't
want them there anyway (although they would probably go if fiance said
he really
wanted them there), not only do I have my own not very supportive family
to deal with, I also have to deal with the fact that his family
actively dislikes and rejects me too, but as I'm not related to them I
don't have to accept it. One reason it has taken 14 years to get married
is because fiance wanted their blessing and they
refused to give it. Apparantly because I 'trapped' him by not aborting
our child and because they wanted him to marry a doctor or a lawyer or a
woman with higher status, which is funny because I outperformed him
academically. I would argue he trapped me too by insisting I keep the
baby!
The above is relevant because if we do elope I fear it
will trigger some simmering
resentment in me, eloping would suit me very well if not for our
relationship history. He refused to have a proper wedding for years
because
his family didn't support it but suggested that we could elope 'in
secret' which is why I was determined to have a real wedding because
that made me feel cheap and like I was some sort of embarassment (it was
mostly because he was scared of his parents disapproval), he has
seen through his parents manipulative behaviour now and how much that
has hurt me and our child and he is happy to pay towards the wedding
because he knows it matters to have the public declaration and the
legal foundations in place, but it won't be very public with no one
there!
Because of the past, eloping now feels like a victory for his family and
a humiliation
for me. In that 14 years my grandparents, the people that helped me
most in life, the people that would have been there without any doubt to
see my wedding, have died. I feel like there is a huge hole and I
do have some resentment about that too, so I worry that if we elope
that resentment will fester. My grandmother was the one person who 'got'
me and loved me no matter what and like me she LOVED weddings, but she
won't be there to see mine and no one else cares. If they had been there
it wouldn't have mattered who else was or was not at my wedding, so
long as they were there! I don't know what to do. I just feel so sad and
depressed. The wedding is bringing everything out that I've bottled up
for years.
All of my 'close' relatives on my fathers side
have dropped out (except a cousin I haven't spoken to in years. Clearly I
mean more to that cousin than to my closest aunts and uncles.) My
paternal grandmother said weddings are a waste of money and that we shouldn't
bother because marriage means nothing nowadays. Apparantly the fact we
had children before marriage (by accident!) means that it would be silly
to bother now and make a fuss of it. She has said she won't be going
but 'sends her love'. I didn't want a 'secret' shotgun marriage! I wanted to save and do it properly so I feel a
properly valued part of this relationship, that's why we didn't get married before the baby!
My
mother has annoyed me because she pressed me into moving my wedding
from my perfect date 6 months ago
using various ploys about how it always rained on that date and how x
and y wouldn't be able to go despite since letting me down anyway. In
the end we had to move the venue to one we didn't love as much because
there were no more dates available at our original choice. All this
because she had a holiday booked to barbados and didn't want to upset my
step dad (he booked it after I
set my wedding date, he has also opted not to go to the wedding). She
says she wants to go to my wedding but she seems much more interested in
what my sister
will being wearing as a bridesmaid (the children of my mother's second
marriage, my sisters get everything paid for. Even cosmetic surgery!).
She didn't even offer to pay for my wedding dress and she is very
wealthy. I
do not resent my sisters though, I love them. So there we go, my
mother, for
her own reasons, wants to go (so long as it is convenient) and I believe
my sisters genuinely want to go and see me get married!
I have a few other
maternal relatives who would go but their health isn't up to it which I
completely respect but that hugely reduces my wedding party. I also have an uncle and that distant cousin who are going.
That
means I have a
wedding party of 6 people...10 tops, most of which don't really care
that much about me.
We have paid for 60 guests! We originally wanted 100 but we could only
find 60 people who were 'maybe'. My fiance probably has 10 definites
too, mostly
friends although his wedding party would dwarf mine if his family were
going which would make me want to uninvite myself. If I invite more
peripheral people they will wonder why I have so few friends and family
which will make me feel embarassed. I am quite shy and would rather not
have complete strangers there, although if they are genuinely happy for
me that would not be a bad thing, at least the photos will look good
with more people on the seats?! Superficial, but that is where this is
at now. Not sure eloping is better in that respect, just me, my partner
and a some random stranger witnesses!
Is it just my wedding or does it also seem
society turning against traditional weddings? It seems suddenly
everybody hates them with puritanical fury and is using the pandemic etc as an excuse to not
care and be mean and cynical. It's like they have some kind of sense-of-community burnout? If
somebody invited me to a wedding I'd be there in a shot, I love weddings
and seeing people in love! (So long as they didn't say no children tbf
as the babysitting would be an issue!)
I suppose I could move
the wedding venue to a 10 minute drive instead of an hour drive away
somewhere I have no interest in getting married but that probably won't
change the number of people who go.
