Guilt over not inviting cousins I haven't seen in years...

Hi there

We had a similar situation regarding cousins and we ended up inviting uncles and aunties only. Like you, I haven't seen my cousins for many years and although our wedding wasn't as intimate as yours, we still had to keep the numbers down.

What was different for us though is that we paid for the whole wedding ourselves so we kind of felt that we could call the shots - I may have felt differently if my parents had contributed a large sum.

Are you having an evening reception? If so, why not invite cousins and friends to that?

Good luck deciding x

I feel your pain. I have a massive extended family and while we don't have to be too tight with numbers I'd rather invite friends we see often than extendends we see once in a blue moon.

My parents are the same with money input and guest list influence. If it was me I'd invite the aunt and uncle (we are doing immediate family, grandparents, aunties/uncles then everyone else is on the B List!) and maybe the rest of her brood at night if that's possible?

If anyone kicks up a stink just explain it's a numbers game - church only seats 40 and you have to be really strict. If anyone gets mad then that's sad but it's their problem. Stick to your guns.

Also - congrats on your engagement! Hopefully this will be the worst of the crazy wedding drama and it all gets better from here!!

This says it all really - if they wouldn't make the effort to see you at a 'normal' family gathering, why would you invite them to your wedding?!

Was just about to say the same as you jade.

i see no reason to invite cousins or cousins children unless you're close. I also don't see why parents (and I can say his because I am one!) think they should insist everyone but the damn coal man comes to their kids weddings.

i paid my son an amount to his wedding and said buy something, put it to the wedding or put it towards your honeymoon. I didn't expect that meant I had any say in the wedding plans or that it should buy me a certain number of tickets to the wedding to invite who I wanted. The money was a gift.

This is the venue you want. It seats 40. Those 40 people should be your choice and if there is room for more at the evening do and there is space to invite the cousins then then that's your decision too.

You didn't get a say in your parents wedding!

Parents chipping in towards your wedding should not make you feel that you have to invite who they want. I'm sure they will be understanding when they realise how much you've reduced your list already. The family bbq is a great idea, failing that could they come to the evening do?

Stick to your guns. I've had to do it for my wedding and so far it's without a guilty conscience.... maybe I'm just a meanie

Your wedding is not a family get-together, it's your wedding, you and your H2B get to choose who to invite. If the money that your parents have set aside for you is a gift, it shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool for them to get what they want. You need to find out if it's a gift or if it comes with conditions. If it has conditions, I would suggest turning all or some of it down so you can freely invite who you want.

My H2B has an auntie who has a partner and three kids, one of whom is also married. I haven't met any of these six people in the five years we've been together, whereas H2B has met all of my family, and I mean all of them (there are about 40!). I am inviting 10 people from my extended family, the ones we see frequently and enjoy spending time with. H2B is being obliged to invite his extended family because FFIL wants to improve relations with his sister. I am really cross about this, our wedding is not an opportunity for FFIL to have a family catch up, but H2B says he 'doesn't mind inviting them'.

I think your family BBQ is a great idea. Reinforce the point that the ceremony venue only holds 40 people whenever this comes up. Invite your friends, they are the people you have CHOSEN to spend time with, not the people you feel obliged to spend time with because you happen to be related to them...

I think the fact that your parents are paying really complicates this. Traditionally, they would pay and be the hosts. They would be in control of the guest list... it's easy to see why your mum is getting upset.

My advice is to change the venue to a larger church so you can accommodate all the family. OR decline the offer of financial assistance and choose the guest list yourself. That way, you would be hosting the event, not your parents.

This is a recurring theme and as always you have to decide if you want to have the day you want or the day other people want you to have.

we got married last month and between us we have 130 first cousins. We invited 14 and 11 came. We didn't invite all our aunts and uncles either.

the approach we took to our guest list we took was to invite those we have an active relationship with, whether related or not, and we took the same approach with children. We didn't worry about offending people we never see or speak to - why would we? We didn't get caught up in the ' if we invite them we have to invite....'.

maybe because we're older and we're paying for nearly everything ourselves it was easier. We're really pleased we did it this way. We celebrated our marriage with people who are important to us. We look at photos and smile because they are of special people not random relatives we never speak to. We had the most awesome day and we keep seeing people who tell us what a great time they had and share stories of bits we missed on the day. We wouldn't give that up for anything not even £5k.

don't look back on your day with regrets.

good luck.

I agree with Paula.

You need to have a conversation with your parents about how they expected you to spend the money. Essentially, they are paying for the wedding, and they would typically have a say.

I'd feel differently if you were paying for the wedding.

I completely understand where you're coming from but if your parents are contributing such a large sum then personally I'd feel too guilty not to let them have what they want.

My in laws are contributing 4000 to our wedding and they keep coming and asking very apologetically can they add someone to the list that they'd forgotten. No problem since we're not anywhere near finalising numbers and I knew their initial list of 1 extra person on top of family was not correct! The other day FFIL expressed that he would love his 3 best friends there but with wives that includes 6 and he wouldn't put that on me but as far as I'm concerned there 4000 entitles them to invite whoever the hell they want (within a logical person's reason) and maybe I'm wrong but your mothers close family are within reason.

I know you say you want to keep it within 5000 but can't you contribute a tiny bit of your own money to accommodate the 13 guests you would have missed out on having if you invited your mums family?

Your mum probably feels embarrassed that her family were so hospitable when it came to their three weddings with all of you and now she comes across as cheap and uninviting. It's the harsh truth but if you really want your own wedding you have to pay for it yourself.

Hi there,

thank you all for your comments. I'm glad I'm not the only one with the same problem!

I think we've decided to go for a bigger church, but still keep the numbers to no more than 50 adults. We'll invite my cousins, but not their children as a compromise. Im not entirely sure that they'll all come anyway, so that will give me some extra space for friends on the "B" list...

My parents are contributing, and that gives them a say on the guest list. It means OH and I are having a much bigger wedding than we wanted but if my parents didn't help we wouldn't have been able to get the venue we wanted. I see it as compromise- as long as there's space for everyone OH and I want to invite I try not to get too irritated that there will be some more distant relatives at the wedding that I don't know.

My mum is also fond of saying 'but everyone loves a wedding'- yes because that's why I'm doing this mum to throw a party for people I don't know... But then I get over it and think I'm marrying the love of my life so it doesn't matter ha.

We had a similar situation, I have 10 cousins but see some of them about once per year and some once every few years. I am the oldest and some are very much younger than me, and I'm really not close to any of them. Our venue is maximum of 60 and we wanted to be able to invite all of our closest friends, so we decided to invite aunts/uncles only.

I feel a bit guilty now as a few people can't make it so we are about 15 under the maximum, and given that it's unlikely all cousins would have attended, even with partners coming we probably could have invited them all... Oh well! I'm sure I'll see them at some family gathering sooner or later

My mum contributed a significant amount of money and wanted certain family members there, some of whom I have never seen since I have been little. I had to go with it but then mine was only for the evening reception as we got married abroad with our closest family.

I understand where you are coming from as its an all day event, could you have an evening reception the week after? Would that solve the issues with your mum?

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