h2b's bombshell...

Erm - how far off is your wedding? Most people, although they will be pleased for you, won't get particularly excited about it until nearer the time.

There is only you and H2B know what is best for your situation in my opinion. To be honest, when we got engaged 13 years ago, we didn't throw a party and only got a couple of cards. I'm not sure about save the date cards ... aren't they just to let people know about the wedding, I didn't think that they should reply? Some folks just don't get the least bit interested in weddings until nearer the time. When are you getting married? Lovely gesture of your dad offering to pay for the honeymoon. We are paying for the majority of our wedding. Everybody gets problems I'm sure with RSVP's, my deadline is 4 weeks before, thats it, if they haven't replied I'll assume they wont be coming, simple as that and this will be re-iterated on the wedding info sheet which will be sent out with the invite. I'm sure everybody cares that you are getting married etc otherwise they wouldn't be coming. You do what you want and I hope it all turns out good for you x

I think its because the save the date cards actually told people we were engaged so i suppose we did think we may get a small congrats even if just by text or email..

Wedding is booked for 17 june 2009

Any of the above would be acceptable, if though, you are going to loose out on a lot of money I would got for the 1st option and cancel the reception.

As for the "Save the Date", I didn't think anyone had to reply to them, I thought they were just used to let people know to make a note in their diary and not to make any other plans on that day.

Did you put a return by date on the invites?, maybe you could give some people a call (the ones taht would spread the word for you rahter than running up your phone bill) to see if they would let you know either way, tell them you need to confirm the final numbers.

As for your website, people will probably just log on and see your progress without actually contacting you, do you have a counter on it to see how many people have looked? and the offers of help...could it be that people don't think you need any ??, maybe they think you are really organised...just a thought.

I hope things run a lot smoother for both of you from now on....keep us posted.

I think we are obviously a lot more sensitive than most people. Personally i would respond to receiving save the date cards with a 'thanks for including us, look forward to the day or something like that'. I would also send a quick response to the link. Family members don't mention the wedding at all and the one we don't see very often haven't been in touch at all. I think h2b has had enough and is worried that he is going to spend all this money and hardly anyone will come. Everyone will have to travel as its in Scotland

We didn't expect or receive any formal responses to our save the dates either except people telling us they'd put them on their fridges (they were magnets). We sent them 6 months before our day to remind everyone of the date and to arrange childcare.

Neither did we get many offers of help until the last few months before our day which is perfectly normal. It is up to the couple, with parents, to organise all the details and make all the decisions and I wouldn't dare interfere except to offer help on the day for example and then only if I was a close friend or relative. Obviously if I was a BM that's different and would be more involved - do you have any attendants and how have they been?

Only you both can decide what's right either your current plan or any other options but I suspect you'll lose your deposit if you cancel the venue or the reception as they'll lose what was guaranteed income. People will get more interested next year but you could also be proactive and get them involved if you want it.

I think you should maybe talk to a few people before you make any decisions. Bring the subject up when you talk to them, ask them for advice on things, just try and gauge what their feeling is. It might be that they are just assuming it's all fine, or perhaps they're a bit unsure about the arrangements as it involves travel but don't know how to broach the subject with you.

Maybe they didn't "click" that it was an engagement announcement as well until it was too late but even then it's still no excuse not to send congrats in some way or other.

Some people still think that 2009 is a bit far away, wait until after xmas and you might find people starting to get excited then.

WSS.

I think any of the options is acceptable, including sticking to the original plans. You need to work out what the two of you want and go for it.

But I think you also need to look at the fact that it seems like your H2B is having a bit of a sulk about nothing (IMHO) and maybe his expectations of others are overly high.

Re. engagement cards - I've never sent or received an enagagement card in my life. As far as I'm concerned getting engaged is a personal decision like deciding to go out with someone or deciding to have a sexual relationship or deciding to start trying for a baby. TBH I don't think it warrants a card from others and I consider it to be a bit of a "Hallmark occasion".

Re. no responses to links to your website or save the date cards - I wouldn't expect any responses and I wouldn't respond myself. What is it that he expected them to say in response?

Re. no offers of help - again what did he expect? It's lovely that your dad has offered some help but this is YOUR wedding. I wouldn't expect offers of help. It's nice of they come but it doesn't mean anything if they don't.

Re. people singing at the wedding under their own terms - again that sounds reasonable enough. If you don't like their terms then just politely decline.

Re. not getting RSVPS - a standard problem I'm afraid!

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a chat. Your wedding is not going to be the centre of everyone else lives and their lives will go on as normal. You shouldn't really expect anything else. it doesn't mean they aren't happy for you or that they won't enjoy your day but you shouldn't really expect much more than for them to reply, turn up, smile and be nice. It may be that your H2B has just had one of those days where he feels everything has got too much and tomorrow he'll be fine about the original wedding plans. but I think the two of you need to discuss what you both really want from your wedding and not base it on how anyone else might react.

June is a long way off for anyone other than those getting married! They will have birthdays and Christmas to contend with before they even think about your wedding. I dont mean that to sound harsh but its true! Nearer the time you'll probably find more people get in touch and confirm details etc! Prior to arranging our wedding I was far more lax in responding to invitations/engagement announcements than I am now.... I didn't see just how important they were to those people.

As for the wedding being far away, maybe people are just concerned about the arrangements.... and cost as well if they need to make their own way there/stay overnight. Have you discussed these arrangements with people - what you're organising and what they will need to orgainse themselves? It's difficult to broach if you're a guest!!

Regarding help, your dad paying for your honeymoon is massive!!! As someone has already posted, you'll probably find that those who may offer financial help will be more likely to do it closer to the day. It doesn't help when you're paying everything off in advance, but it'll give you spends for your honeymoon!!

If you and OH are that concerned about people not appreciating your day etc then maybe you should re-think..... you want to ensure that you have the day you want..... are your family/friends 'involved' in your life generally?

I can only repeat what others have said. We got engaged last November and had a party (largely as we didn't know if my nan would be around for the wedding, which she won't be as she passed away 6 weeks later.) We decided to get married at the end of October and to be honest people are only starting to look forward to it now. I don't blame them to be honest, in fact I still feel like it's ages away so I'm not hugely excited yet either.

I can understand your disappointment and this probably won't help, but sending out the invites so early with 9 months still to go, people probably won't RSVP before your RSVP date for a variety of reasons. Off the top of my head, quite a few people won't be able to book a holiday date until they receive next year's holiday entitlement which is usually either January or April. They might not be able to say for definite that they will be able to attend as it's a long way between now and then and a lot of things can happen in 9 months.

ETA- on a reread I'm not sure if you have sent the invites out. If not then please ignore the above :o) If not, you could always do what we did which is send the invites out early and then chase whoever hasn;t replied. (by early I mean 2/3 months before. We sent our daytime invites out quite early and the evening ones have just been sent)

That said it's up to you to prioritise what you want the most. I must admit I didn't expect any offers of help and was grateful to anyone who offered to help in any way. We have had some financial support and my mom has been involved with things like looking at dresses and cakes, but that was because she wanted to be. At the end of the day it's our wedding day and as such, in my opinion only, we should be the ones to organise it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm sure people will be more excited about the wedding the closer you get to it.

K

I'd have to say I think you're being a bit dramatic about not having many responses...its still a while off, and realistically, who else should be excited about your wedding except you 2!

I scrapped my big wedding plans as it wan't really for me, so instead we're getting married overseas and having a party when we get back. No-one really batted an eyelid about it as its about what we want, realistically thats the biggest question you and H2B have to answer....

We sent out save the dates a year to the date, not one responded.

RSVP's were sent with invitations, they only had to post them back.....loads of them didn't come back but most of them are coming. I found that the ones that didn't RSVP are the ones coming.

Now it is 4 weeks to go to wedding, everyone can't wait so I think it more about the amount of time until the day. People tend not to bother until the event is nearer.

I wouldn't take the non response to heart it's just how it is from my experience.

What sort of response did you expect from a STD card? "oh yes, thank you, I have saved the date"?

TBH I think your post sounds a bit dramatic from beginning to end.

Surely you have a wedding to celebrate your marriage with friends and family? Not think that maybe you don't want to spend all that money for nothing and if they did not reply nearer the date then I would assume they didnt want to come.

Surely this should be one of the happiest times of your life planning your wedding? An offer from someone to pay for your HM should be received with open arms, this is lovely of your dad.

Do things your way and stop thinking 'no one cares about us' - it sounds a bit needy tbh.

And it used to be so friendly on here.........

Well i've spent the afternoon cancelling everything for the wedding. There was a bit of a smokescreen going on it seems and finances are the main reason.

Totally gutted. The perfect end to the worse couple of months.

And noone can make me feel any worse than i already do - so go ahead!

Don't think i will be hanging around here anyhow

I personally would go for option 2, I am only having a registry office and a recepton after with 35 people coming to both, we only want our closest friends and family to be there. I have never wanted the whole huge wedding and this suits us down to the ground.

I hope you do stick around, you have had a lot of trouble recently and I hope it turns around for you soon

You are very dramatic now aren't you?

From what I've read on this thread you've received nothing but friendly and helpful advice from other hitchers who have taken the time and effort to compose a response...so, it may not be exactly what you wanted to hear, but this is a public forum and everyone is entitled to give their honest opinions.

The honesty of Hitched is what most people find appealing - if this isn't what you're after (and clearly you're not judging by your last post) then maybe you should leave and find another forum.

I'm sorry if you feel bad about your wedding and the financial situation, but it's a pity that you've decided to leave, as Hitched is a great place for support if you're willing to listen to other people's advice and support.

Good luck x

I'm sorry to hear that Ann-Marie.

I don't think anyone was being nasty towards you, you asked for opinions and the majority of us thought you were going a bit OTT on it. Obviously, theres now a different reason than you originally said.

Hope you sort things out. xx

I'm sorry to hear that you have postponed it for the time being although it might have been worth holding fire for a day or so, so that you could explore the cost of other options if finances are the main reason. I will say though that I do think you have been a bit dramatic in your responses although I'm sure that's probably due to the situation which has arisen. It might be worth having a look at the moneysavingexpert forum at a later date as there are lots of good ideas and hints of how to save money on a wedding.

K

a flounce because?

People replied going on the information that you had given and they told the truth. I cant see how they were to know that your h2b was lying to you about money. Awww huns can be found in abundance over on confetti.

Who has said anything unfriendly? The general thought is that you and your H2B shouldn't get so upset because everyone else doesn't drop everything to acknowledge your wedding. Not to take it personally as they probably don't mean to upset you. It's just pretty normal behaviour from them and that you need to make your decisions based on what you want not how anyone else will react. What on earth is unfriendly about that?

What did you want us to say: "awwww honey that's awful. Everyone who knows you should have sent you an engagement card. How rude of everyone not to phone you immediately they got their Save the Date cards. And all your friends and family should immediately have offered to help/contribute towards your wedding. Poor you. They obviously don't care enough about you and you deserve better"

Sorry but their behaviour is pretty normal and nobody has been unfriendly towards you. Nobody has said or done anything on here to make you feel bad Every reply has tried to give you some support. Stop being so ungrateful

Actually thinking about it, isn't that the second time in about a week that the wedding has been called off on Hitched?