I've realised that deep down what I really want is to have a legal handfasting ceremony in the (hopefully rainy) woods at the bottom of my favourite mountains in Scotland along with our children and dog, then walk to the top for some awesome wedding photos, then I want to go back to my camper van before heading to a beautiful pub on a loch! I want a ceremony that is private and just for us. This is very much me and my fiance, we are very low key people and really outdoorsy but I am aware my perfect wedding is really not most people's cup of tea. Realistically this vision also involves a photographer, a celebrant and 2 witnesses for legal purposes so it won't be truly private.
My mum is very keen to be a witness at my wedding but she is really (understatement) not happy with that choice of venue, she is suggesting we get married in a beautiful historic hall and personalise the space to our tastes, can't help think this might have something to do with the fact that the most hiking she does is around the shopping mall and she is very keen to keep it that way, if I ask my dad instead because he isn't adverse to a walk she would take this as a snub as she raised me alone. Fiance would rather we just went and did the public wedding to avoid the politics, the historic hall is fantastic but very expensive and while we can afford it (although that always comes at the expense of other things doesn't it) that isn't what I really want deep down, he just thinks I am being impractical and that I should be grateful that he is happy to spend so much money on a decent wedding and a top notch venue.
If we did the mountain, I know that I would want a second 'wedding' a few weeks/days later to celebrate with everyone else, with a ceremony (that is a bit less personal) and reception for those who wouldn't be able to travel to Scotland or hate hiking or can't hike because they are unwell, however it seems some people might be put out, the implication being that I don't want them at my real wedding or that our second public ceremony and reception is 'fake' and superficial and just for show even though I am sparing them a 9 hour + journey to Scotland which means most people wouldn't be able to get there anyway? The private wedding is just for me and him though, it is a seperate thing entirely, it is more like a commitment ceremony and also to me like a rehersal for saying vows in
front of people i.e the public declaration and kissing in public bit which as an introvert I
completley dread.
We can't do it legally closer to home outdoors because outdoor weddings are not legal in England. Also, I am a pagan, in England it is not legal to have a pagan wedding but it is in Scotland, I consider nature to be equivalent to my church but here there is only
a choice between a church of england wedding or a completley
non-religious ceremony! Pagan weddings are not valid weddings. I feel
very discriminated against in that I can't even incorporate a
handfasting into the big public ceremony because that would be 'religious'
and not allowed, so how is that ceremony a real wedding for me?? For this reason I'm not sure I'd even want a legal ceremony for that big historic hall wedding anyway as it is so impersonal and I certainly don't want to say vows in front of a poker faced state official who discriminates against pagans in this way. As a pagan, any wedding that is non-legal
and led by a celebrant would probably feel more like a real wedding than any
wedding officiated by the the christian church or the state. I know other people just get on with it but I have found another way i.e Scotland, it just excludes both our families, this is what makes me feel most uncomfortable, it feels like I am deliberately snubbing my family, especially since the second wedding is considered by so many to be gratuitous.
Would it be more mature of me to set my spiritual needs aside and make the big reception/wedding celebration the real wedding and just have all the traditional pomp and ceremony, then hike up a mountain and say our vows together as a private commitment or pagan blessing ceremony afterwards? It doesn't feel quite as special to me that way, our marriage certificate will state somewhere that doesn't mean quite as much to me or reflect who we are as a couple, instead of the mountain and the handfasting which do but at least my mum will be there to sign it and others to witness it which is important too. I suppose a lot of people in England and Wales have this when they get married in a registry office and have to have a seperate religious (non church of england) ceremony. It just felt like I had found a way of doing it legally and as I want it but now I just have to give up on that dream and be practical. I'll always be dreaming about getting married on that mountain if I don't do it in some way.
