HELP! My wedding is tearing me and my sister apart!

Some people just aren't that interested in helping with the details of wedding planning. Maybe she doesn't realise you want help, or that she could help, or maybe she thinks she's too far away and that your friends are doing a good enough job by themselves.

I fail to see why it should tear you both apart though

Talk to her; maybe she doesn't realise she's upsetting you?

or if she does, try and find out why she's doing it; your mum might be right about the jealousy thing, so maybe tread carefully and try to understand her point of view

good luck x

The key is in this sentence. What you mean is, she doesn't understand how big a deal it is to you. I know we all think our weddings are the most important thing in the world, but sadly that is not the case. Maybe she is jealous, maybe she's just not a weddings person, there could be many other explanations. You just need to talk to her, or you'll never know.

This is getting a bit bridezilla now...

Really?

I can't really see what she's done wrong. She lives far away from you and maybe doesn't have the time or inclanation to help with the wedding. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or she isn't happy for you but she's got her own life to lead and her own priorities. It's great that your friends are being so enthusiastic but not everyone is that interested in weddings.

I always find it interesting reading these kinds of posts. I have two bridesmaids - my 11 year old daughter and my best friend. Maybe I'm odd, but I haven't really expected anything of my friend in the run up to the wedding beyond getting her opinion on stuff I'm undecided on and coming with me when I shopped for my dress. She's got shoes already that match the bridesmaid's dress, but other than that it just kind of goes without saying I think that I'd be paying for everything like hair and make up etc.

Unless you've specifically asked your sister to do anything else and she hasn't come through, then I can't see what the beef is, and certainly don't think it should be 'tearing you apart'.

True. Or she may just assume she's doing her own. Many BMs do.

This

Footlong's back! ?

I came here looking for a bit of support as i was having a bad day - but dont seem to have had much help!

My BM's have paid for their own hair and make-up and shoes, and because of that they can keep their dresses. MOH hasnt paid for anything, so i was going to sell her dress on afterwards (unless she wanted to contribute and buy it off me) She was fully aware of this.

She knows i would like her input, and knows there is plenty of things she could help with - i just wanted her to be more interested. I am not asking her to gush over everything, just recognition that there is a wedding going on in 9 weeks time would have been nice.

I have been clear with everyone from the start regarding finances so it isn't any surprise to anybody.

I am currently trying to delete this thread - as obviously nobody else has the same problem!

What do you mean by this?

Calm down love, your sister doesn't even know that you are being 'torn apart' as yet...

It'll all be fine and she'll take more interest probably once you have a chat with her about how it's all going. You said you were close growing up, so I'm sure you can put your big girl pants on and have a nice heart to heart with her?

I don't think that was a particularly useful comment from your mother ? but if she's right, you may start to feel a bit more compassion for your sister now perhaps? It's also possible that your sister just doesn't know that much about planning weddings since she's not married herself, so just isn't able to ask you the types of things you thought she might. I mentioned my guest book arriving to my sister, and her response was "What's that?". That was her answer a few times, LOL, to 'wedding favours' and to 'ceremony readings' amongst others. She's married, but did it abroad and low key. Since my sister didn't know about these, why would she have asked me about them?

If you want to involve your sister more, you probably need to take the lead. Just go and see her and take armfuls of wedding related crap with you to show her. It'll give you an opportunity to sit and discuss the issues to do with dresses and hair/MU costs that you'd mentioned. Come back and have a proper moan about it to us Hitchers if she shows no interest once you've been proactive with her.

I'd started my reply before you responded, so some of it may be nonsensical now. You just added that she knows you want her input. Maybe her expectations of 'input' are different to yours? I stand by my original suggestion to go and have a heart to heart with her.

Obvs the dress issue is irrelevant now. She likely doesn't want to keep it afterwards, and is fine with you selling it on, hence not offering any money. Sounds like she understood the plan and made her choice, so not sure if that's an issue any more? If you go and have a chat with her, you can ask her what her plans are for hair/MU, and tell her that your other two bridesmaids are paying for theirs. It's in your ball court to decide whether you'll offer to pay for hers, or whether she only has two options - pay for it herself or do it herself.

None of my bridesmaids showed any interest in discussing shoes, hair/MU, accessories, the plan for the actual day etc until 2 weeks prior to the wedding. So maybe 9 weeks prior ain't that bad hun.

Maybe I wasn't clear the first time as I was so upset.

she knows how I feel about it, and we have started arguing more because of it. I have tried so many times to show her things or ask her opinion but she isn't interested.

I booked her hair trial appointment for her, and she text me saying she couldn't make it as she had a pub quiz. I tried to explain how booked up the hairdresser was but she demanded i change it.

it feels as though she is making things difficult for me and I just feel a bit fed up.

that was all, I didn't mean to come across as bridezilla at all.

....yes that info was all left out before, so don't get your knickers in a twist about our previous comments, as you didn't give us enough to work with! I'm sure with that info you'll get a lot more comments giving you some pointers with your sister.

Now you've said you've tried to put in some effort with her, but have started to argue with her. You say she knows how you feel, so you already had a heart to heart, and she hasn't changed her game? Well then, I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure what else you can do. You can't force her to be more interested. Maybe the whole wedding thing and planning stuff just isn't her cup of tea, or her mind is somewhere else right now? (Are you up to date with what's going on in her life?). You'll only make yourself feel more sad if you carry on trying to cajole her into being something she's not.

I think I'd just leave it for a few weeks if I were you, as this is clearly causing you too much stress right now. Maybe when there's only about a month to go until the wedding, your sister might naturally show a bit more interest? Especially if you start talking to her about her role for the actual wedding day? eg. whether she's handing out confetti, and helping you go for a wee etc. They might make it feel more real for her, and more imminent, and then she may start getting excited about the wedding too. Nine weeks away is still a LONG time for anyone who's not the bride and groom.

What did you want? A hug?

People have given you advice and honest opinions. If you don't want that, try asking your mum again...

Thank you ClaireDawnB. I think I was in a bit of a state when I wrote the first post and didn't quite get everything in! I have had a chat with OH this afternoon and I feel much better now. There is some other stuff going on too that is putting a bit of pressure on us (OH starts a new job the week after the wedding and we need to buy a car for him in between wedding planning)

just needed to vent my anger.

cilla, since I have been on this forum people have always been really lovely, and I have seen posts more bridezilla-ish than mine with people still offering support and constructive advice. Quite frankly I find you quite rude - one of few I have cone across on this forum. Everybody needs to vent every now and again and today just happened to be the day I did it!

so I'm sorry if you don't like the nature of the thread but please don't make me feel worse than I already do.

this does add more context. Has she had her hair trial yet? If not, maybe say that you appreciate she's busy and it's difficult to fit stuff around her, so would she prefer to organise that stuff herself?

I'd also try to find the time, if you can, to maybe have a sisterly night out and make a conscious effort to take all wedding talk off the menu - it sounds like she might be a bit preoccupied with other stuff, and maybe that kind of setting will encourage her to open up if something is bothering her x

Now you have added a bit of context it sounds slightly more reasonable but honestly try and go back and read your first post in an objective manner- you will see that it's a bit bridezillaish.

Have a laugh that you have been a bit dramatic and move on, you are quite right loads of people have done it- just perhaps with a less dramatic reaction when being called on it!

My favourite offer of advice will be trotted out again 'talk' if she doesn't know exactly how her behaviour is making you feel then you can't blame her for not altering it- she doesn't know what she has done wrong yet.

Yes, I look back on it now, but at the time I had worked myself up so much that I was babbling on and it didn't reflect the true story. I just felt like I was bing attacked on here, the place I thought I would go to vent my feelings rather that doing it in person with someone!

I do appreciate all your advice and comments, just had a freakish moment and felt I needed to get it out, quick!

she does have a hair trial booked now, the same day as mine so at least that's sorted.

we have decided to just pay for everything as she has a temper, and would not be the first time somebody has not turned up to a family members wedding due to stubbornness! We can sort everything out at a later date.

thank you again ladies for your help, I don't mean to come across as a control -freak bridezilla!

My sister kicked off about the bm dresses and was disinterested during planning. She got her own way with the bm dresses (anything for a quite life) and they all had what suited them. But, the most important thing is: she was AMAZING on the day.

Not everyone gets as caught up in the wedding whirlwind. It's especially hard for a person if they are not in that place (my sister was a single mum of two), and want that for themselves but can't see that happening in the future.

So them paying for their own hair and make up means they can have their dresses to keep? Seems a little odd to me. Why cant they do their own hair and make up? Do you want them to have to pay for things? Share the cost out?

Its your wedding and you're asking them to contribute so they can keep their dresses.

My bridesmaids are paying for their dresses ONLY because I wanted them to wear something they are comfortable in and could wear again, not as a reward for paying for their hair and make up....

You say you've been clear about your finances but then talk about having some little luxuries, can you afford these luxuries if you're asking your BMs to pay for their dresses?

You also said about your sister breaking up from a four year relationship 2 years ago, now you and your OH are getting married, maybe she wanted that for her and her ex bf?

Maybe she feels like you're rubbing all this in her face. Especially with your "PAY ATTENTION TO ME" cry for help. Maybe she's got a lot on at work, she does live 50 miles away from the rest of her family.....

Maybe i need to clear a few things up.

I couldnt afford to pay for their hair and make up and their dresses. So i asked them if they were happy to do their own hair and make up, or find somebody to do it for them and pay for it themselves that they could keep their dresses at the end. None of them felt comfortable doing their own, so they all chose to have somebody do it for them, and pay for it themselves.

My BM's picked out their dresses themselves. They are all having the same dress in the same colour, but all chose it between them, and they are all extremely happy. I am also paying for their alterations.

The little luxuries was having bridesmaids in the first place! We're not going mad and having really expensive things or anything, but originally we could only afford to have the MOH and no bridesmaids. So during planning we decided that one of the luxuries was having bridesmaids (you may not all consider that to be a luxury, but it was to us!)

maybe she did want that for her and her partner, and i respect that, but she has moved on from him (she has told us all she has) She has always said she NEVER wants to get married and does not ever want kids. I also respect that decision.

I'm not rubbing anything in her face, in fact the closer is has got to the wedding, the less i am rubbing it in, as i have started to give up trying to involve her. We have always been close so i thought that if she felt like that she would come and speak to me about it and we could sort something.

Just throwing it out there, but could she be a bit peeved that you asked her to be MOH and then a bit later you asked a couple of friends to be BM's? If they jumped on the band wagon straight away organising hen do's etc maybe she felt left out and has now just thought she'd leave it up to you all? I'd probably be a bit like that...

But on a positive side, you're having your trial done together, same day - go out for a glass of wine after and have a catch up!! Try not to talk weddings too! Find out about her and what she's up to!

This!I'd probably be the same & you guys to it. Your friends are clearly excited for you and it's lovely they are being so helpful but please do try and remember than your wedding is YOUR Wedding & it's not as important & interesting to some ( no matter how much they love you) as it is to you. Hell, if I'm barely interested in my own wedding how can I expect others to be.

I wonder if you talk to your sister about things other than the wedding - she might feel that it's all about you, & the wedding which is why she's clammed up.