Help needed- thinking of cancelling the big wedding for a smaller wedding

Well, how far along are you in planning? How much would you lose financially if you cancelled? That's an important consideration.

Would you miss having friends and family there if you went abroad? Could you trim the guest list a bit and have a more casual day closer to home?

The cost of wedding abroad is likely to be quite an expense, but it depends on what your original budget was!

If you have invited people and booked things then it may be too late to cancel totally but you could scale it down perhaps- both to save money and make it more intimate.

Could do with finding out how far along you currently are before offering further advice really as it could make quite a difference!

We have booked venue, TOG, cake and transport. We would still use the tog and cake. We would lose about 2-3k but H2b has said if it means us having the day we want we will just take the loss (not great) but I just didn't realise I'd feel like this. x

I would miss having my family but have realised it is about me and him and at the moment it all just makes me feel stressed. We aren't flashy people and don't like the attention being on us, I just thought I could handle arranging it and doing something different but seems not...

You could always pop to the registry office then have a meal with close friends and family?

Have you considered Gretna Green? It's not too expensive compared to going abroad.

We are in early planning stages with just over 1 year and a half to go. sorry not used this before so not sure how I can reply to everyone at once

I have thought of this, is it a bit cliché? This wedding planning is not easy! x

I've felt very similar through this whole process. I personally think that 3k is a lot to lose (it's a third of our budget!). Could you have a smaller wedding at that venue?

If you are certain you don't want it then cancel it- explain to people that you weren't comfortable with the big wedding thing and have decided to have a very intimate affair. People will be a bit miffed but will get over it.

We are having a big wedding (for me anyway) of about 85 for the day and 130 in the evening but are having a 'first look' ceremony to stop me freaking out and an informal meal of canapés and meat platters and wedding cake for dessert- I wanted to elope but OH wanted a big white wedding so we have sort of compromised (ok, I've compromised). I'm not flashy at all and would have preferred to get married in my jeans but my mum wouldn't hear of it.

What ever you decide make sur eyou are deciding on it for the right reasons- because it is what you want.

It is a lot to lose but I think as we are so far out they would give us something back. I could kick myself for not doing our original plan and doing it abroad. The venue has minimum numbers which is a pain as can't make it much smaller.

That is the thing I am dreading most is telling people if we decide not to go ahead, OH doesn't want a big wedding but thought this was making me happy until now when I've realised it's just not me. at the start I was trying to do what I thought I should do and what everyone wanted me to do (I am a people pleaser lol)

Thank you, It's a big decision to make and I really don't want to regret this.

I'm a people pleaser too and I'm not having the wedding I want. I think as both you and H2B feel the same about it then it's probably right for you to cancel it- but only you will know that for sure. Like you say, you don't want to end up regretting it. I don't think I'll regret it- I'm making my H2B happy and that's important for me.

Best of luck what ever you decide.

Well, I'm doing it, so I obviously don't think so! But I understand why people might think that. I think it's really romantic and I love the history attached to it, but that's not for everyone.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons for each option your considering. I got over excited planned a big white wedding and was ready to put the deposit down when I realised it wasn't what we wanted but we thought was the right thing to do. We didn't loose anything as we hadn't signed/handed any money over but £3k is a lot to loose. Could you use the venue you already have but use a smaller room/package for less people? Were getting married abroad and everyone presumes it's cheaper but in reality if you don't class the holiday part as your honeymoon it's not. Were having a party back home for those that can't attend and we have had lots of support from family and friends which made the decision a lot easier. Where would you go if you were to go abroad? Who would you invite and how would you feel if people close can't attend? It's a lot to think about but if your sure you don't want the wedding you have booked id cancel the venue, get a scrap book/Pinterest and start sticking/pinning things you both like and see where it takes you. Ours ended started spring, green, outdoor, vintage and ended up blue, silver, snow and faux fur so lapland was the obvious choice for us as the mood board lept out at us more than the others x

I will have a look in to it, thank you so much everyone! x

There was a lovely lady on here that got married at Gretna and her report was beautiful and made me wish we'd done it too!!! i can't for the life of me remember who it was though!!

I don't think Gretna is Cliche anymore - not maybe since the 80's? it's come back round, almost in a retro way!? and the blacksmiths there is stunning - definitely full of the history behind it!! Maybe someone else can remember who it was so you can read her report? :-/

RizzieRazzle! I actually have the link to the report cos I emailed it to my mum to look at:

http://jottify.com/works/wedding-report/

I would say if you are already having doubts about the big wedding so far away then it is likely the anxieties will only increase closer to the time.

I have days where I wished we hadn't gone for the wedding we have (ours isn't big but it is taking quite a bit of my time as I'm a perfectionist!) and I know that I was very happy with it at the start.

I know you have said your venue has minimum numbers but ours had smaller minimum numbers for a different season/day of the week. So we are only having 50 all day for a Sunday in December when at any other time min numbers were 80 day and 100 at night for our venue. So it might be worth seeing if you could make it smaller for a different date.

Losing £3k would be a lot to me - but then throwing good money after bad is a waste too. If your heart isn't in it then cancel.

Thanks ID!! that would have really bugged me!

Is the £3k what you've paid out or just deposits? as if you have paid more than the deposit amount this far out you may be able to get some back? especially is, as cinnamon says you keep the venue and change the day/season?

Would the venue lower the numbers if you agreed a minimum bar spend or similar? a lot of the time it isn't about the numbers rather than a minimum income for the venue and this can be a way around? it is a lot of money so i do understand your trepidation, but in the long run would you actually save money on the overall budget by going low key else where? I know it would get my goat paying huge money and then not using a supplier but if you look at the bigger picture??

I hope you come up with something that will make you both happy, it is your day after all! good luck! x

I have done a pros and cons list today, the cons list is a lot longer Where have you chosen to get married? We were thinking of having a holiday and tying it in with getting married so we aren't going away just to get married. This is my problem I am not sure how I'd feel if my Dad couldn't make it but then this is about me and H2B and not everyone else! I've looked at Lapland today, looks amazing! Will definitely get on the mood board, I just feel if I cancel this and do something else I will be letting people down. Silly I know xx

Thank you, I will take a look at the link. I've had a little look today so will look over with OH over the next week. We are getting married on a Sunday and I believe they still have minimum numbers. I still think it would be too much for me though. Thank you so much, it's such a hard decision! xx

Your first sentence makes a lot of sense and I think this is what I need to think of, I have massive doubts now and as it gets closer is it going to get worse. I also get poorly with stress so wondering if it's worth it, after all I am worrying about everyone else and making sure they are happy.

£3k is a big loss and we might even be able to get some of it back as we are so far out but it's a loss we could take if it takes the stress away and gives us a day that's about us and not everyone else. We've literally only paid deposits. x

Thank you so much, will take a look at this x

I really feel for you hun - it must be a horrid feeling.

First things first - you need to think about your budget carefully and see if you could potentially claw back some money from your venue since it is still quite far away - you may lose some of the money you have already paid but try to negotiate getting at least some of it back or try to scale things down a bit. If £3k is not a significant amount for you to lose, I would cancel and go with what you really want.

I am sure everyone has told you to 'make sure it is really what you both want. It is your day and the only time you will get married' and so on. They have certainly been telling me that! It is really difficult to think about what day you envisage and not just conform to tradition or what you think will please everyone else.

Naturally I am a people pleaser too but I decided that I would listen to those telling me to do what me and H2B really want for our wedding and so we are. We have booked to get married in Italy. Of course some of those people telling me to go with my heart don't like it now that I actually am but it is my day and I want it to be just what me and H2B want.

Also I would just point out that weddings abroad needn't be unaffordable. We are having our wedding in Italy (thinking of inviting about 50 people at the mo) plus a party in the UK for those who cant come abroad and our total budget (for both of these plus dress, suits, shoes, décor, entertainment etc.) is £12k. I would urge you to think about it all carefully before you make your decision but it needs to be what you want at the end of the day - not what will please others or what you feel is expected of you.

xx

This was exactly how we felt. We got engages in December last year and booked our uk wedding for aug 2015. We had all deposits paid. Then in June this year my fiancée told me he felt how you did and we decided to cancel everything and book our wedding abroad. We managed to get some of our deposit back as we were able to give our venue enough notice, however we were prepared to lose the deposit all together. we have lost the other deposits we have paid. Our wedding will now by in Cyprus in July 2015, it will be a more intimate wedding with close family and friends however I am much more happier as is my fiancée and are looking forward to the amazing wedding that WE wanted. I definitely think if a smaller more intimate wedding is what you want you should do it and swallow the lose if you can afford to do so, as it would be awful to regret one of the biggest days of your life. If you need any help or advice im here to help if you want xx

oops

and then having continued reading on ... I'm wondering where the apology got to.

I think every bride feels like cancelling her wedding and doing something totally different at some stage. I certainly did. Particularly when everyone was sticking their oar in and telling me what i 'should/must' do or have.

If you can convince the venue to change the day or room so that there are less people there then that might be a good compromise.

Do bear in mind that the numbers always sound huge, but on the day it doesn't feel that overwhelming. They are all (or mostly) people you know so you'll be happy to see them.

I'm not saying force yourself to go ahead by the way, you should totally do what you're most comfortable with. You only get one wedding day. I'm just wondering if this is a phase and you might get excited about what you've planned and paid for if you just own it and make it your own.

Losing £3000 is quite a lot ?....

I didn't mean anything by saying is it cliché. Apologies if it caused any offence to anyone!

Not sure why she has to apologize, she's entilited to think it's cliche. ?

Nah, it's fine. I get that some people might think that. It only really matters that people who choose to get married there don't think it!

Thank you, I think we are going to look at our other options - being going abroad but somewhere closish so if family and close friends want to come they still can. Where did you find the information on Italy? Once we decide which we've given ourselves a couple of weeks we are going to contact our venue. The hardest thing is I don't want to regret the decision I make.

Thank you so much xx