Sorry for the anonymous post, I'm scared that people I 'know' are going to see this if I do it under my normal user name and I don't really want it to be linked to my account in case real life people stumble upon it. If the details give me away, please don't out me. I'm sorry, I know it's a silly thing to go anonymous for but I really don't want people to know and I'm feeling quite ashamed about it.
I gave up smoking a couple of years ago, it's the best thing I've ever done and I was desperate to give up years before this. I've had the odd one here and there during weak moments but never more than that (maybe three or four over the years). Over the last couple of months though, I seem to have started to get back into it.
I've started having panic attacks again after years of having them under control. I know they're probably wedding related because I'm getting myself into a bit of a state about the day - people looking at me, being the focus of attention, crowds etc and it's getting worse as it's getting closer.
When I had them before I was a smoker and in my head I thought having a cigarette might help me 'calm down a bit'. It didn't really help the first time but I still had one again. It's only been a couple over a few weeks but then last week I bought a packet and had about 6 over the space of a couple of days. I then bought another packet yesterday and had one last week, one this morning and despite throwing them away, I dug the packet out of the bin (they were on the top), and had another one tonight.
I've ripped the rest up now but I'm petrified I'm going to start smoking again and that I'm not going to be able to stop. Stupidly it's now increasing my anxiety. I've already been upset about the panic attacks, as I feel like I've gone backwards, but now with this I just feel very helpless.
I don't really know what I'm expecting by posting this, I know the simple answer is just not to have another one, but it doesn't feel as easy as that. I can't tell anyone I've done this (my oh knows but I don't like talking to him about it as I know he is really worried I'll start smoking again) because I know they'll be so disappointed in me and this will make me feel worse but I just had to get my thoughts down somewhere.