Help with apology note!

Are any other friends not having their partner there for the ceremony. Or even people coming to the pub afterwards who aren't getting a ceremony invite at all. I think if she knows it's not just her its easier.

I think also that it's not like you're having a huge wedding and her invited but not him or him not till the evening so I would hope that if she knows you're limited to only 50 guests for the ceremony and want only your closest family and friends that she would be honoured to be one of the 50.

I would be very surprised if it's not absolutely fine if you explain the situation. After all she will only be away from him for an hour tops surely.

Personally I don't think a note is appropriate. If you've been friends for so long, I think it would be much better to just have a conversation and explain it.

Like Jayne said, if there are other partners having the same issue, that makes it easier. I went to a registry office a few years ago and a lot of the husbands waited outside. They did the typical 'men get bored by the ceremony' thing and all stood around chatting - nobody felt put out and it worked well.

Like I said, I think you'd be better just having a conversation with her and explaining the situation. Then when you send your invitations, he gets an evening one and neither of them is surprised by that. I think you'll be able to talk about it properly in a much better way than you could in a note.

I agree, just give her a call. So much easier to convey that you feel bad about it but don't have a choice that way. And you get to be sure of her reaction (which I'm betting will be perfectly understanding) rather than worrying about what it means if she does or doesn't send a note back.

If a good friend put a note in an invitation explaining my partner of 5 years wasn't invited I would not be happy. However, if she called and explained in person (whilst I personally would still be a little put out) I would understand.

I think this is something that needs the personal touch, not an apology note in the invite.

Thanks guys. It's so difficult!

I should add that whilst we have known each other for so long it's because were at school together. After school we didn't see each other at all. It's only because (small world) she is the little sister of one of my OH'S best friends and therefore part of the "social circle" that we have been in touch. I invited her to the Hen Do purely based on the "social circle" aspect and was quite shocked when she said she was coming! If she hadn't of been coming to the Hen Do both she and her partner would have been invited to the reception (I was told if someone is paying to come to the Hen Do, it's bad form to not invite them to the actual ceremony - damn wedding etiquette!) Oooh her partner wasn't even invited to the Stag as my OH has only met him 4 times max!

We are not particularly close ie chat regularly on the phone/meeting up etc. It's just we are at the same social events!

Forgot to add that due to limited capacity we have said no children, so as it is my best friends husband isn't even going to be in the ceremony as he will be keeping kids occupied!

Thats different then, I would just invite them both the reception, I aren't inviting all my hens to the ceremony, I have people from work coming to my hen night who are friends but not close enough friends for me to feel I must invite them to the wedding.

I am ignoring all wedding etiquette and are doing what WE want, There are too many "rules" to follow otherwise!

I understand why your are finding this difficult and I agree that as you invited her to your hen she should go to the ceremony. I do think this particular etiquette is important as the whole reason for the hen is the lead to the wedding or else what's the point! If I was in that position I would think I was just there to make up the numbers as the bride doesn't have enough female friends! and that is not a nice feeling (unless they are aware before they agree to go on the hen that they will not be invited to the wedding. however, I digress...)

As you say, you are in the same social circle so is their an occasion that you will see her and her partner before you send out the invites and then you can tell them together and explain your reasons why the partner is not invited to ceremony. This way you can also gage their facial reaction to what you are saying. If you are not particularly bothered about the friend being at the ceremony then you could even suggest that you would understand if she didn't want to come on her own to the ceremony and is more comfortable coming together to the reception.

Once explained you can send out the invite with no note and just her name on the full day invite and his on the reception/evening invite.

I do think this is definitely a face-to-face discussion not a note/letter.

Another vote for a 'try to talk to her face-to-face' instead of writing a note.

Disagree that you need to follow 'wedding etiquette' and invite her to the ceremony just because she is there for your hen do. While everyone who's at my hen do will be coming to our wedding in some capacity, the majority of my friends (and their partners) are only coming to the evening and I have no guilt about it at all. [Wedding/evening invites went out before the hen list was organised - if anyone was annoyed or felt snubbed, they could have just said no to coming to the hen.]

Going off topic slightly, which I realise is not helping the OP and not trying to start an argument and quite right, each person can do as they wish but Pooba, Yours is an example of what I said."unless they are aware before they agree to go on the hen that they will not be invited to the wedding". If I understand you correctly your invites went out so they were aware of which part of the day they were invited to before you invited them to the hen do so they could have said no. If I understand the OP correctly this friend has already been invited to the hen (and the hen may have already taken place) and now invites to the actual wedding day are going out, so its a different scenario.

Hen Do hasn't happened yet. It's in June and that will be the next time I see her!! Seems the majority say call, so I will call.

I didn't realise there was so much do's and don't s about it!

Apologies, yes, missed that bit.

I guess I'm struggling with the whole 'if you do a, you must do b because it's a wedding and that's what happens.'

As DB2016 said, you might invite workmates to the hen because it's a night out on the taaaan but you wouldn't want them staring at you as you say your vows.

OP does have a different scenario in that this is an old (albeit slightly distanced) friend, but my point still stands: in my opinion she doesn't HAVE to invite her to the ceremony if she doesn't want to. If I was the old friend invited to the hen, I wouldn't necessarily assume I was going to be given free ride to the ceremony. In fact, thinking about it I am in that situation! I'm spending ~£200 on a hen do in early May, for a wedding in early June. I think invites have gone out (looking at Facebook feed) but I haven't received anything yet. Oh well - I'm sure the hen weekend will be a blast and if I am invited to any part of her wedding, then I shall enjoy that too

OP - do you think your friend will be offended if she doesn't come to the day? Or will she be more offended that she's being split from her partner for the ceremony? Do you mind if she's offended about coming to the ceremony or not?

Pooba, I think she would be more offended at not being invited rather than being split up.

He is a really laid back guy and i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a problem with it. However she is slightly more....er...high maintenance! ?

At the end of the day it will be for a maximum of 20 minutes. It's a registry office and then off to the pub. Not St John's Wood synagogue followed by a 5* 3 course wedding breakfast at Claridges!!

This is really interesting and I like hearing other people's opinion. I love a good discussion!

Of course at the end of the day no one has to do anything and you definitely don't HAVE to invite someone to anything if you don't want to but I look at things slightly different, and maybe I am a minority on this. I look into the sentiment of things (maybe too much!! haha).

I see the hen do as, your last night of singledom with your friends/family before embarking on your new life as a wife and therefore I don't see it as " a night on the town" otherwise I would just call it that, it wouldn't be as special as your hen do (which I plan to do only once) so I wouldn't be inviting anyone who I don't care about and who I don't want to see me get married. I will have many nights out up town that can be had with people who are good for a laugh but not considered good friends in the future.

If I was invited to a hen do and had to spend a lot of money (I consider £200 quite a bit for a night out) and I haven't been invited to the wedding I personally wouldn't go. I could spend that money towards a weekend mini-break with my OH or on a night out with friends that I am closer to.

OP - your wedding sounds gorgeous.