Hen do

I think the bride is asking a bit much tbh. One of my bridesmaids lives 4 hours from me and I’ve been really clear that she doesn’t need to come to my hen, which is also about a month before my wedding. It’s a long, stressful journey, and there’s a lot of costs associated with being a bridesmaid and with attending a hen do. Let alone both!


I would say talk to the bride. Speaking will help you put your point across in a kind way, and hopefully she will be receptive. I’m sure neither of you wants to fall out over this because ultimately it’s a weekend away - it’s not the end of the world. Don’t do it over text, that tends to make things worse and things get misconstrued.
Good luck!

View quoted message Hey Tamsin,
Thank you for the great and helpful advice! you are right about not texting and calling. I did originally text her and then she said she’s too upset to talk over the phone and to call her when she’s ready. She’s called my mum and suggested we can drive down on the wedding day and use that holiday to come to the hen do. But I rather be there the day before of her wedding day and make that time special and then wake up with her getting ready than rush and drive down 4hours on the day of the wedding ! I just don’t get it !

You are very understanding bride and not put that added stress on your bridesmaids. I wish you the most amazing hen do and a beautiful wedding day !
Again thank you for you advice it’s made me feel less like a shitty bridesmaid (if I’m still one by next year)

I’m sure you’re both upset and stressed by this situation. I hope that the bride can see your point of view and difficulty too.

With any problem, if the people involved want a resolution there’s no point either side sticking too hard to their position. Think about what you could suggest to bridge the gap, and hopefully that will help your friend see you’re making an effort.

Eg. Another friend of mine can’t make my hen do so we’re going to have a ‘mini hen get together’ at another time because we haven’t seen each other for ages. And if my bridesmaids can’t make it to my hen, she will probably stay few days after the wedding, and hopefully we will be able to go out for a meal or a drink together then.
I hope you two can speak soon and get this sorted out. Maybe you could text her to say something like you understand she wants to wait to talk but you’re sending lots of love and looking forward to finding a solution soon. That way she knows you have good intentions and you still want to be friends and be her bridesmaid!

This is hard, but I also think she is asking a lot. I had 4 ladies not able to come to my hen do, they are not bridesmaids so it is slightly different but I have arranged separate meals/afternoon tea with all of them. It is more difficult when you are in the wedding party I agree but I also think that many brides do expect a lot from hen do's. Going away for a week is a big ask, we are only doing a weekend, I would never consider doing a whole week both for cost reasons and not everyone gets the same amount of holiday. For example I get 28 days but my fiancé only gets 20 so has to be much more frugal with holiday dates. I just think you can still go away on a hen do without spending a fortune, I have heard of people going away to Las Vegas for example, they must be made of money! It is all about being together with the people who are important to you before the wedding and it shouldn't have to cost a fortune as being a BM is also expensive.

I agree you should speak on the phone and not do this by text and then maybe you cna reach a compromise. Good luck!

I don’t think you’re being unfair or unreasonable. 5 hours is a long way to drive, and then you’ll need to spend 5 hours driving home again. You’ve been upfront and honest with her about your reasons for not being able to make it.
Having said that, I can understand why she might feel upset but I don’t think your reasons for not going to the hen do mean that you don’t care. I think some brides do expect a lot from their hens and some hen dis I’ve seen are getting more and more elaborate. However, I agree with previous comments to call her rather than text and maybe suggest an activity to bridge the gap. Could you go down to the wedding a couple of days before hand and take her out for a meal?

View quoted message Hey ! Thank you for advice. It’s so horrible letting a bride down but if I could I would be there, I’m one of these people that say yes to everything and go out my way to say yes. It is she has suggested to go for a couple of days but the journey is just too long for a couple of days and If I’m going to spend the same amount of many as other guests staying for a week I would want the same (might sound stingy but I want my moneys worth too ahah) oh I know I could never afford vegas but it I did do vegas I would want to go with my friends or fiancé.


You are totally right we don’t get many holidays as it is ! I would be taking 6 days just for her wedding and hen do but I might have other things planned that year I might have too attend to not to mention going away with my other half and spending time with him too!
Agreed I think I will call when emotions are not high and the dust has settled.
Thank you !

View quoted message This is all very true. I have suggested me and my mum do something with her and her sister and my auntie but it was shot down straight away but I think it was too soon after telling her the bad news but I will suggest this again and maybe she is happy to do a second hen do with just us and she knows we would make it very special for her too!


That’s such a good idea staying after the wedding maybe I will suggest that too but you are right I’ll message her this weekend
Thank you so much for your help !

Oh blimey a whole week! That's a bit mad for a hen. Long weekend at max.

Could you go for just the weekend portion, and ask the MOH to adjust the costs accordingly so you're only paying for the days you're actually there?

I kind of think the problem here is the MOH (presuming she has organised the hen rather than the bride herself). I've specifically told my MOH to loop all the bridesmaids into the planning, and that I'd be happy to have the hen quite far in advance if it's a bit much with money and holiday days to have it too close to the wedding - I want everyone to be able to go and enjoy it without feeling stressed and like they're forced into something they can't afford. Of course the bride is going to want all her bridesmaids at her hen, but I think it's down to the MOH to be coordinating with the bridesmaids to make sure that's possible.

If you weren't consulted in the planning and didn't previously agree to the timeline and the cost, I think you should mention that to the MOH (and bride) as you have every right to feel hurt yourself that a hen was organised in such a way that it would be impossible for you to be there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is a long journey and of course you want to be there but when you are the one that lives further away she needs to accept your not able to come. My hem is an hour away for everyone but my SIL who's 4-5 hours away and I totally understand she can't come, I would rather her be at the wedding and get it is a double travel for her. If I were you try and have a private convo with the bride and explain, it is not for the MOH or anyone else to judge or care, the bride is all that matters and I am sure she will understand.

Nope totally with you. I'm actually not having a hen, just going to a spa with my mum, because my fiancé and I are getting married in central London where hardly any of my friends and family live and I know it will already cost them a lot to come the the wedding (and I tend to resent expensive hen dos!)

One of my bridesmaids is pregnant and she won’t make the hen do - I totally understand and it doesn’t change anything re the wedding. I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to use annual leave and to pay ££ - especially if you weren’t consulted. I agree that you should talk to her and try to see if you can arrange something else as a second hen - a spa day or something?

I'm having a similar issue and I'm MOH but there's two of us. And the other MOH thinks I'm awkward for raising the costs.

You're not being unreasonable. Tell the bride you'll do something just you and her.

View quoted message Hey ! Thank you for the advice. I’ve said that but she’s still not happy she wants at the hen do but I’m sure she will come around at the idea of not it is what it is. The wedding is the most important part of this whole experience so hopefully she will understand

View quoted message I can imagine having to MOH’s can get quite difficult because you both probably have different ideas but you both only want the best for the bride. Maybe it’s good idea to bring the question to all the hens that are going and see what the majority say ?