Hen do heartache :( - Update (it's ridiculous!)

I'm really sorry it isn't working out how you'd hoped. It sounds like both you and your sister have put in a huge effort to come up with a weekend you can all be part of.

Is it time to get together a smaller core group and come up with an activity? Spa day, horse riding, duck herding, go karting?

Cache don't feel lonely!

Getting people to commit is just a nightmare! I had my hen in center parcs after lots of discussion and one girl WENT MAD that I dared book it...I mean come on,nits YOUR hen do...

Can you take a step back an let the planning go ahead and you dip in later? Hopefully they'll all pull their socks up & you'll have am amazing day/night/weekend! X

I can understand you being upset however I wouldn't pay 250 for a hennie. It's way too much money to expect people to pay. You may find that they are dropping out as they can't afford it. By time people go on a hen night, outfits for wedding, gift etc..... it all adds up. Could you do something cheaper in this country???

I agree with above, I personally wouldn't spend that amount of cash on a hen weekend. Anything over £100 I would have me giving my apologies.

I do think sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of people for things such as hen do's, stag weekends. It's almost a challenge to make them as big and exotic as possible and expect lots of people to come, but then we wonder why people then back out once the cost is known and thought through. It's a big ask expecting people to shell out that kind of money. The £250 wouldn't cover it all, prob only around half - so coupled with the wedding on top.....a holiday is very different to a hen do. Would I spend £250+ on a girls holiday - yes, would I spend the same on one person's hen do - no.

Could you do a full day in say Camridge, or similar, and allow those that want to stay over to do so? People can then come, go and stay as long as they are able?

For mine, if I'd have said I wanted a weekend abroad, no one would have gone. They just don't have the time and for some, the money. But we had mine in Leeds, 20 miles from where I live and central for almost all so my work chums, family and other friends could get there fairly easily. Work chums came to the afternoon meal and cocktails. Family and other friends - some came to all, while others joined us for cocktails and then the evening/night fun. Everyone who said they would come came, everyone had a great time especially me, and by being flexible and letting people do what they could/wanted - there was no hassle at al and those who wanted to join us could and did.

My Step-daughter to be had hers in a forest lodge over a weekend last spring. Some of us arrived early on the friday, two arrived late, one left on the saturday and another arrived on the saturday with most of us staying from Friday to Sunday. It was a total of eight of us and we had an amazing time partly because no one was excluded because they couldn't do it all.

A few people having a good time with you, even with some coming while others are going, is better than nothing - even if it's not what you'd originally envisaged, and generally you find you have a much better time.

Sorry for the long reply but hth x

That sucks. My sisters is going to be in Dublin in may, its through a company called last night of freedom, who are fab. It's cost each of us around £235 but that is 2 nights accommodation, numerous activities plus dinner for both nights and drinks, so we just need to spend for lunch and extra drinks after our free ones. Keep looking for good deals. When the idea of going abroad came up was everyone actually aware of what it would cost? Our group went from 15 to 7 once Dublin was decided but that was more down to the dates (she's marrying into military so most of the women had to pick dates around their partners work commitments)

Have you thought about cities in the uk? Might be easier? York, Leeds, Manchester, Brighton - so many options! Or something like Go Ape if you have anything like that near by.

I feel for you, I really do but £250 is a lot of money for a hen do. My friend's UK hen weekend was supposed to be "only £170" but by the time I added in the fancy dress requirement, food, drink and petrol it ended up costing over £300 and that was only 2 hour drive away.

Maybe stick with your Cambridge option and let people sort their own accommodation if they're going to be difficult. Or as someone said, organise a spa day?

I knew this would be exactly my problem, which is why I've gone for something simple, close to home, one set price and something I know everyone will like doing. It's not something I'm that bothered about doing but I figured at least I'd have a hen do which people would turn up to. They have to pay a deposit so loose their money if they don't come.

It's shame people have let you down but I think you're going to need something that is a little easier to organise and easier for people to commit to.

I'm really sorry for you and your sister as you've clearly put a lot of effort into this. BUT £250 is a lot of money. That's without having eaten anything or done anything. You could easily end up sending several hundred quids more.

Why don't you try and book a cottage somewhere? You can get some relatively cheap deals and could do lots of different things if you're close to a town. That way people can come and go when it suits them.

I'm very sorry for you and totally understand why you're upset. I just think that people can't afford that kind of money. I don't think it's meant to be a slight

I am sorry you feel lonely and upset, but this comment is not acceptable:

I appreciate that you are the first one out of your group to get married. Guests will usually spend the entire day focused on your wedding. Many will travel or buy a new frock, buy you and your partner a gift and spend their time with you and your partner celebrating into the evening. If some have kids or other commitments, these will have to be dealt with.

People are excited for you and your friends do love you. However, committing an entire weekend is not only expensive in terms of money but also time. I'd rather they rock up to my wedding then my hen do.

Why don't you look at hiring a cottage so people could come and go

you could have a cottage with space for 10 then if people can only make 1 night someone else could do the other

obviously this would be in the uk

i agree that £250 before they have had a drink/eaten/brought new clothes is too expensive

especially as they w be buying clothes and transport and drinks and probably a gify for the actual wedding

i purposly chose a hen party that was a set price so I knew my friends wouldn't be paying loads extra (£100 for cocktail mixing class and a meal and transport)

I think it may just be the price as it is a bit expensive. I recently had an invite to a hen 'do' which i was told was £185....not including travel expenses which were still to be added on - hmm no! I think there is this need now for hens and stags to become this weekend abroad but it does work out a lot of money for people. I have organised a night in town for mine and even that has been more hassle than expected just trying to get £10 pp deposit off everybody even though they have agreed to come. its just a stress brides to be dont need! I hope you are able to organise something for you and your friends that hopefully suits everybody

Hey Cache, try not to be too disheartened. Again I have to agree with the majority of the above where as the cost sounds like it may be putting some people off a bit, I know they might have agreed a break away in Greece etc to be a great idea, when it comes to the reality of spending that much money (or even book time off work etc) a lot of people wouldnt find it possible, The Cambridge idea is good but yeah you might have to be a bit more flexible, it sounds like that idea has gone down well with people wanting to go, just that they might not be able to attend the whole thing...again a cottage/lodge/even camping could be a way around that so people can come a bit more as they please, especially as a long weekend even in the UK can cost a small fortune!

If I were you Id drop the hen do weekend idea completely and just spend a day doing things eg spa/dinner/go ape where people can come and go as they please...you may find more commit more readily to just a day event rather than a weekend.

And also as someone else said, sometimes larger groups are a 'mare to organise so just be prepared that no matter what you do not everyone may make it.

I do get that its a bit sad when youve been excited and youre planning these things, but I am one of those people of the opinion that hen and stag do's are getting crazier with people spending a small fortune on them...I wouldnt go to one that was costing a bomb either...that said, mine is £40 a head, very sedate, and Ive still had one girl not tell me she was dropping out until Ive had to chase her up at the last minute for her deposit/balance...

chin up, scale it down a wee bit (or just be happy with the fact that it might just be a couple of you that go) and enjoy whatever you decide on.

I've had to 'settle' for a cheesy typical hen do in the city i grew up in as to accommodate as mnay friends and fam as possible. If i had it my way i'd either be sunning it up in a beach resort, or, hiring out a few yurts in the countryside with lots of activities. But, when I tried this, money/kids/time off etc all came in to play.

I would jump at the chance of attending a cool hen do, I do not know why so many people seem to turn down such a great social occassion! One of my mates wont attend because "she cant get there" and hates public transport and because he fella isnt working that weekend so will be at home..... yeh, i know!

Ok......let's see.

i don't have girls as friends. not close ones. all my best friends are men so i didn't have this problem. i've never been on a hen-mine or anyone elses. so maybe my opinion is valueless here but i'll give it a go.....

when people agreed to the whole weekend in greece, they were......for want of a better word 'trapped'. not in the 'i don't want to be here' sense of things but in the 'i'm nowhere near my home so i can't just drop out if the activity isn't quite my my taste' kinda thing. still coming across wrong here. i kinda mean- yeah the holiday sounds awesome but you'll never please everyone and it's almost a guarantee that at least one activity whilst out there wouldn't have been to friend y's taste- maybe the bar in question just wasn't her thing- but she wouldn't have spoken up because what else could she do out in the middle of greece? possibly still coming across wrong but i tried.

so you moved to cambridge. suddenly people have an out. if they don't like activity x they can stay home until activity y. if they can't afford activity b, they can leave after activity a. it's not about not wanting to be there for you it's just the people see more choice now. i sincerely doubt they'll know what upset they've caused you- it's likely to be a convenience/taste/cost thing.

as i say, i don't have girl friends- i don't do the drama or the whole 'being a girl' thing (give me a horror or action movie marathon, maybe some gta, followed by a night in a dirty sweaty rock club or better still an early night in bed with netflix but whatever) but basing this on the experiences of acquaintances, hen do's with the best response seem to be those than run a pick and choose menu. the bride/moh says ok this/these date/s a, b, c, d and e are happening- which do you fancy coming to?

you'll get some people coming to all, some coming to one, some coming in the morning- vanishing in the afternoon and joining back up in the evening. it works well for people so i hear.

people like autonomy over their own lives and this gives that back to them.

i also don't get why you need to all stay together? maybe because i don't get the girly thing but whilst it's maybe nice it doesn't seem an essential part??

i also agree with someone above that i'd def' rather have people at the wedding than the hen and as long as they're making the effort for that, then i'd be glad!

i really don't mean offence and i hope i've caused none; as i say i've never done a hen do- but if i were you i'd pick myself up, dust myself down and try to shoo away the personal hurt i'd taken, then with my moh i'd plan a menu day or days and let people sign up for what they want and can afford. that way you get multiple activities with various different people and you'll feel the love again.

again apologies if i've said the wrong thing and i hope you get something sorted which makes you happier xxx

Kinda what I'm doing.

Got a kareoke & pizza night at a friends house on the friday night.

Have afternoon tea the following afternoon

Then, a BBQ & party on a boat with fancy dress on the evening (hopefully sunny!)

Followed by clubbing

Sunday is then a full day at a very nice spa with lunch

Hotel accom. for those who want it.

All of it a pick and mix and i have a total of 25 girls across the weekend. i didnt know i knew so many people never mind have more than 5 friends lmao!!!

Personally I dont think its too much money at all. If people wanted to be there and commit they would have.

I organised my own hen weekend, A 4 day break in Brighton, a funky apartment, 3 activites to do, food budgeted in, and the mini bus. All for 260pp Which is a good price for what we are doing!I gave 16 of my friends 18 months notice and made them pay in instalments on set days so everyone knew what was to be paid when.

You need £30-50 or a good night out drinking nowadays, and then most girls would buy a new dress/shoes etc so considering its your only ever hen weekend I would pay it. Well i have paid to go on every hen do Ive been asked on, with prices up to £300! (Altough that was a break to Marbella!)

I used an Activity website to arrange my activites. Theres some wicked stuff you can do for £20+ pp SO id have a look around and see what you can come up with hun.

Good Luck!

Personally I dont think its too much money at all. If people wanted to be there and commit they would have.

I organised my own hen weekend, A 4 day break in Brighton, a funky apartment, 3 activites to do, food budgeted in, and the mini bus. All for 260pp Which is a good price for what we are doing!I gave 16 of my friends 18 months notice and made them pay in instalments on set days so everyone knew what was to be paid when.

You need £30-50 or a good night out drinking nowadays, and then most girls would buy a new dress/shoes etc so considering its your only ever hen weekend I would pay it. Well i have paid to go on every hen do Ive been asked on, with prices up to £300! (Altough that was a break to Marbella!)

I used an Activity website to arrange my activites. Theres some wicked stuff you can do for £20+ pp SO id have a look around and see what you can come up with hun.

Good Luck!

Crikey jemhicks where do you drink?

the most i've ever spent on a night out for drinks was about £20!! average is about £11-ish lol.

and i live in the south east! lol

maybe i just don't drink enough or the most expensive things lol

Thanks for your comments everyone. The reason I was so upset was because they had set the price/location themselves before Christmas - I didn't dictate either. It was only recently I found Greece was ever even an option. When I first got engaged we all saw the hen do as a good excuse for a girls holiday that we had been talking about doing for the last two years.

The money wasn't the problem for the majority of them - turns out it was committing to a full bank holiday weekend that was the problem. Although that weekend had been chosen at the beginning of the year, a lot of people had made plans for the Saturday day, Sunday or Monday.

Because I didn't know anything about the hen do until the weekend, it was a shock to be told this was the plan but they've all dropped out!

I forgot to add one friend and one bridesmaid have now joined forces with my sister and formed a plan people have agreed to. So fingers crossed this one happens!

Pub or the ag (local rock club)

maybe the world around me go to more expensive places? or cider and vodka lemonade are ludicrously cheap somehow?

i always see people saying £50+ for a night out and i think 'how????? what do you drink?' lol

Ag is my limit. 'club' clubs don't do my kind of music and i believe they expect you to dress up? what now? i think not. jeans and a tshirt thank you very much!

cocktails? ya wha now? lol taxi? that's what my non-drinking husband is for. entrance fee? ag is £5 between 9 and 10 and £6 til midnight.

maybe it's a good thing i've never been invited on a hen do! :/ lol

Now I am very annoyed! I've just been told by one of the girls that three of them are planning a long weekend to Disneyland Paris in June - it's £250 plus spending money plus travel to London. That's at least £350!!!! And one girl going gave the excuse for my hen she couldn't afford it or get child care for a long weekend.

Surely I can be annoyed at that!! I've been invited to go but REALLY - it's an insult to my sister who tried so hard to plan my hen.

And it's not a bank holiday so requires two days off work! At least my hen was planned for a BH weekend.

If I were you I would send a text to all the girls who used money as an excuse, asking them why they would rather spend £300 on a weekend in Disney land than your hen!

I can truly understand why you're upset and annoyed, I really can. But, at the end of the day, you can't control what people do with their money and time. They have every right to choose to spend it doing something of their choice. Maybe they just didn't want to spend this much on a hen weekend - I think often people don't feel they can say no when initially asked, but then when the crunch comes, they invent an excuse just to get out of it. £250+ for a hen do is a lot of money. £350 for a weekend in Disney might seem like much better value to them. It's their choice.

I wouldn't call them out on it unless you are willing to jeopardise the friendships, but I would say you were sad that they couldn't make your original plans, and ask what they would be willing to do.

Be annoyed yes, but keep this in perspective. Your wedding and hen do might be the centre of your world, but to most other people, it's not. Like someone said earlier, I'd be more bothered about them coming to the wedding.

I wouldn't - you can't dictate to people how they should spend their cash! Plus its would come across as bitter. By all means discuss with them why they can't come & express your upset but a narky text isn't going to help matters.

At the end of the day, as upsetting as it is, an invitation to an event shouldn't mean attendance is mandatory. I personally wouldn't spend £250 on a hen for holiday destination that had been picked for me with a group of people I didn't know very well. I'm making an assumption here that like mine there is a selection of family & different friendship groups.

Cache13 needs to decide if she wants her friends there more than she wants to go away or do something expensive & then plan accordingly.

She might not need childcare for Disney though? and bank holiday might be hard to get childcare as he reliable provider might be closed/family may be away themselves etc.

250 is quite a lot of money as to me I would see it easily turning into 500 by the time all the bits and bobs are taken into account so unless family or best buddy ever I think I would have to decline. have you looked at a really cheap all inclusive deal at all?

Ok I admit I'd be pretty hacked off about that! BUT, as some others have said, unfortunately you can't dictate what people spend their money on.

Okay reviewing the situation & reading other comments, I take what I said back. a narky text won't help the situation. Although it's upsetting just deal with it & move on. You'll still have a great hen do! The Friends not attending will be the ones missing out.

I'm sorry Cache. Maybe raise it with them and say you were really upset they chose a different trip over your hen do. You can't force them to attend though and i think the main thing is that the people who will come want to be there.

You'll have a great time anyway!

No, same here. Even before I became the DJ's assistant aka wife (and so get in and drink for free), I never spent more than £20 on a night out. A fiver to get in, maybe four drinks at like £3 each, and walk home!