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Beginner October 2023 Shropshire

Hen do help

Charlotte, 7 May, 2023 at 16:56 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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I have both a maid of honour ( my longest best friend) and a chief bridesmaid (a newer great friend). My maid of honour is so busy as she’s in a doctor so she’s abit slower to respond during the day since she’s working but she knows me better than all the girls and knows exactly what I want for my hen do.
The planning of the hen do began and the chef bridesmaid took the MOH lack of speed to be lack of care and booked somewhere and something in a big city that quite frankly I knew I wouldn’t enjoy but she booked it before talking to my maid of honour. (The plans for leaked to me through someone else) however the host of the accommodation cancelled it and they had to look elsewhere and start from scratch. Instead of then going back to the group and all the girls, the Chief bridesmaid booked somewhere else without asking anyone or showing them what they were paying for.
I have since found out where it is and again she’s booking something she wants, middle of a city centre and something she would enjoy. Literally all I wanted was a country house with a hot tub and some fun games and had made this clear beforehand. I have now gone to my maid of honour and said I wonder if we could cancel that, chief bridesmaid has come back and said oh no it’s non refundable! So not only did she book it without asking anyone else’s opinion, it’s not what I want but we now can’t cancel! I don’t know how I ended up finding out so much info but I’m now glad I did because it appears my CB has planned something she would enjoy. I love her and really do appreciate all the effort she is going to but now we’re tied into somewhere I don’t want to stay and am absolutely gutted about it. My MOH has been trying to reign her in but she keeps booking things without asking. The girls haven’t even been sent the link for where we’re staying! I guess I’m just looking for some validation that I’m within my rights to be annoyed that she’s done that and how to address it without upsetting her too much. I just can’t believe anyone would book hen do accommodation that required multiple people to all attend without a good cancellation policy.

21 replies

Latest activity by Kirsty, 23 May, 2023 at 11:56
  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    This may sound really harsh on the chief bridesmaid but I think this problem she has created is her problem. No one asked her to book a hen do yet she has booked something non refundable without any consultation with the other guests paying for it, or any consideration of what the bride would like. You say your MOH has been trying to make her stop but she kept going so she has brought this upon herself.


    I would ask your MOH to book a hen do that you and your guests would like. However, it would be a difficult conversation with your CB that your hen do guests are not responsible for paying for her overzealousness.
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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Thank you so much. It’s just become very frustrating for myself, I’ve had other hen do guests ask where they’re staying because she hasn’t shared it.
    I told my mum and she was shocked it was booked without consulting the other girls, something I didn’t ask for/have several times mentioned I didn’t want and also the biggest thing…it’s non refundable! Coordinating several girls always has the ability to go wrong, wouldn’t you make sure you’re covered incase you do need to cancel a few weeks before.
    Nothing so far about the wedding has stressed me out because I’m naturally a VERY organised person but this hen do drama is upsetting me so much, I’ve had a proper cry about it tonight Smiley sad
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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    I asked her to help but it was ultimately my MOH that was planning but I said I wanted everyone to chip in and help.
    The fact that none of the girls have been shown where she’s booked or anything I think is just mad!
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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    She's probably over excited about it and although it's probably come from a good place she's clearly not listening and is taking control when it wasn't asked for.
    I would personally ask your MOH to book what you want and do it properly. You also need to have a conversation with the CB and basically say that what she has done isn't acceptable and she can't go booking things without speaking to everyone. I would also tell her not to book or plan anything else as the MOH is doing it. Whatever she's done is on her. She shouldn't have gone ahead the way she has.
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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Thank you so much, I think you’re right, I’m honestly so grateful for how excited she is but she’s been far too impulsive and hasn’t thought it through.
    Thank you for all settling my worries, I was worried I was being unreasonable and ungrateful. I really am grateful but equally want to enjoy it and not push forward just for the sake of hurting her feelings
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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    At the end of the day its your hen do and it needs to be what you want. You put your MOH in charge because she knows you best and knows what you want. It sounds like the CB is being a tad controlling. I know the conversation with her will be difficult, but it's better to sort this out now, rather than you end up on a hen do that you don't enjoy.
    You definitely aren't being unreasonable or ungrateful. I would totally feel the same.

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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Thank you so much 💖
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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    If it helps, how mine was sorted was that I told my MOH what I wanted. She found a few options and sent them to me. I picked the place I wanted and she set up a what's app group and asked everyone else. Once everyone agreed, she booked it.
    I know exactly where we are going and a few rough details but the finer details and stuff going on that weekend is a surprise.


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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    That sounds perfect and 100% what I should have done from the start! What a great idea!
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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    UPDATE: I’ve spoken my mind, I’ve said how much I appreciate the effort etc and she’s come back that she’s signed a disclaimer and all sorts so is really tied in and that’s she hurt by what I’ve said (literally all I said was how much I appreciated the effort but it shouldn’t have been booked with that cancellation policy)
    I know she’s gonna just need time now and I’ll just have to wait! Smiley sad
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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    Well done for speaking your mind. You've done the right thing.
    That sounds a bit manipulative on her part saying that. Big red flag when someone cannot admit fault. Hopefully with time she will realise what she did was the wrong way.
    I hope you are okay Smiley smile
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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    The red flag might be right, she’s not got really weird about me having a coffee with my MOH on my lunch break, I’m so confused by all this behaviour, I’ve only known her a few years and thought we were great friends but its brought a whole different side of her out
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  • Katie
    Savvy September 2024 Middlesex
    Katie ·
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    Wow, this sounds intense. I hope it all gets sorted out.

    The hen do is for you and your friends, and should be what you wanted. Such a shame she has taken it upon herself to do this.

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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    Yeah this sounds very odd.
    I would really question this person's place in your life. I think she needs to remember this is your hen do and your special day, not hers.
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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I think Kirsty has it spot on - this girl needs reminding that this is your wedding, not hers!

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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Update!

    we both apologized, me for upsetting her and her for not understanding last weds (10th) and were fine again, we were chatting and sending each other wedding stuff etc. Anyway my wedding invites bits arrived thursday, i sent her a pic, she read it and ignored me. I then sent her a mock up invite friday, she read it and didn't reply. Then sunday I sent her a message asking if she was okay or if she was ignoring me, was read and no reply.

    I then noticed yesterday (monday) that i had been deleted as a friend on facebook and removed on instagram. Of course this really hurt because to me this is a sign she no longer wants to be friends with me.

    I couldn't get a reply so i messaged her fiancé who told me she was overwhelmed by it and hurt by the situation and that she needs time to process it all. I said okay but i wish she has just told me that and should have apologized and acted normal with me if she wasn't intending to put it behind us.

    Cut to this morning (tuesday) she sends me a long message saying how i am careless and have no regard for her feelings and I've put her through turmoil and that i don't care for her and she needs time to heal from the ordeal.

    I send another message saying i sorry you feel that way and i wish shed just messaged me that and that i was sorry again, it was never my intention to hurt her and i thought we had put it past us last week and i think there's been crossed wires somewhere. She then said i wasn't listening again. At this point i had had enough, i just said I'm sorry but i can't be friends with someone who thinks deleting a friend from social is an acceptable way to handle this and I wish shed just chatted with me. I said i can't have any negativity surrounding the wedding and hen do, asked her to send the money back to my MOH and i really hope we can be friends again in the future.

    I am now blocked on EVERYTHING. I messaged her fiancé saying i hope she in time can unblock me and i was sorry again and i hope in time she can see my apologies were genuine and it as not my intention to hurt her, but i talk things out with my friends, i don't delete them and that's not a normal reaction to the situation. He's come back and said im playing the victim, making it about me, I'm toxic and I'm gaslighting. Im leaving it now, were 30 year old women, not 13 year old teenagers, I don't have the energy or time to have people in my life like that.

    I am honestly so upset by it all but also trying to take the silver lining that it happened now and not right before the wedding.

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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    Wow, they sound like horrible people. Based on your other updates, all you have done is say that she shouldn't have gone ahead and booked this hen party in the manner she has. I think the amount of apologising you have done is unwarranted based on that. You haven't done anything wrong and just tried to have a grown up conversation about it. For the fiance to say you are playing the victim and making it all about you, well of course you are because this is about your hen party. Sounds like you are better off without her.
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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    " i really hope we can be friends again in the future."

    I'm someone who hates losing friends and bends over backwards to avoid it happening...but in this situation, I'd be walking away. According to your account, she behaves in a totally unreasonable way by making arrangements on other peoples' behalf without checking with them first and then gets mad when you very kindly point out that this is not acceptable. And then blocks you and badmouths you to her fiance when you try to heal the breach.

    In your place, I think you should breathe a huge sigh of relief that this couple are out of your life before your wedding day - can you imagine the drama they could have caused on the day?!!

    If she unblocks you and sends you a friend request, I'd advise you to ignore it. If you bump into her in the street, just smile and say 'good morning' and walk past. There's no need to tell her that you are not going to rebuild the friendship, just don't engage with her at all.

    If you were in your late teens, I'd be inclined to be a bit more lenient, but at 30, she should have long outgrown this kind of behaviour. Women who behave like spoiled brats at 30 will still be behaving that way at 35 and 40 and 45... You only have limited time and energy for friendships, so focus on the ones that are worthy of the name xxx

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  • C
    Beginner October 2023 Shropshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Thank you so much. Now I’ve had time to reflect yes I’m still upset I’ve lost a friend but she’s clearly not who I thought she was. To say I was making my hen do about me and deleting me for stating I was uncomfortable booking something that couldn’t be cancelled with everyone’s money is just madness!


    And I agree I’m now glad it happened before the wedding and now I can move forward with the friends I know are both going to stand by me and have the respect to have a conversation with me if we ever disagree!
    Like you say, it’s the behaviour of a teenager!
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  • P
    Beginner December 1976
    Proverj ·
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    Отзывы про помощь в иммиграции, оформлении документов.
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  • K
    Dedicated June 2023 Essex
    Kirsty ·
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    Wow I just read the update and I think you've had a lucky escape from this "friendship". The way she's trying to turn it round on you and played herself as the victim and then accused you of exactly what's she's doing! Unbelievable! She sounds like a massive narcissist bordering on a sociopath. I think you have done well to distant yourself from this person.
    I hope your hen will be everything you hoped for now. Focus on those that are true friends!
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