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Estina
Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire

Hen party dropouts

Estina, 21 September, 2023 at 05:52 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 7
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Out of all of my friends, I am the very last person to get married. I will be 40 next month. Most of my mates have been married for 10-13 years already. Have the kids, the house, you name it.
I was sooo excited for each and every one of them. I have attended ever hen, baby shower, housewarming and wedding some have had 2 (second marriages).When my friends all got married, I was all over the place, between jobs, not knowing what I wanted to do, still living at home, messy break ups, in debt you name it, it was happening to me. However I still always showed up for all of them. So when I started planning I expected for people to be excited which they were, then the drop outs came. My hen is abroad- it was always gonna be. I mean I have planned close to 90% of all of my friends hens which were in a hot destination. So mine is now being planned overseas but at the very very start of the summer holidays as I am a teacher.90% have dropped out, to much money, no1 to look after the kids ( there fathers would be mortified if left with them for 2/3nights) Just have a London one we will all come then. We all have kids, sorry you don't understand that, child care costs!!!!! Not all of us can have a fancy manor house wedding. I see them all on nights out, big girls holidays with other mates so I was shocked and I'm gutted. I've had drop out after drop out. I don't want a London based hen, so I've told my bridesmaids that it's fine. All of my family are still coming, just a shame because I really wanted what I did for everyone else. I was going to cancel it. I'm embarrassed too because all these people want to come to my wedding which is also in a school holiday and don't have issue with child care costs then, not kids at our wedding. What am I missing. I feel like this process is really showing me that I don't have the friendship group I thought I had.
I'm so sad 😞 and a bit embarrassed

7 replies

Latest activity by Estina, 6 May, 2024 at 10:47
  • S
    Dedicated July 2024 West Midlands
    SL WaltonJones ·
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    Aww totally understandable that you are upset that your friends aren't showing up for you as you are for them. It is disappointing that they couldn't make arrangements to attend your hen-do when they've got husbands, parents, parents-in-laws etc. They could even have got their partners to meet up with the kids and all the moms have a fun weekend away! I think you should still have your hen do abroad because it's what you really want and deserve 😁. Make sure you or whoever is helping organising plan the best trip ever and you won't even remember why you were upset that the others didn't come. You could throw an extra London hen-do for those who couldn't make it when you're back, but really that is optional . Have the best trip, please don't cancel ❤️.
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I can understand that you're upset so many people can't come to your hen do, but this doesn't necessarily reflect on how much they care about you. The reality is that a lot of people are struggling financially these days. You mention that they 'don't have an issue' with childcare costs coming to your wedding, but it's going to be much less expensive to pay for childcare and travel costs for a one day UK wedding than it is to pay for 2-3 days childcare and overseas travel. Plus, of course, it's not really an 'either or' situation, since presumably, all those you are inviting to your hen do are also being invited to the wedding. So if they went to your hen do, they would still have to fork out for the wedding costs later on.

    There's nothing wrong with planning a wedding or pre-wedding events exactly how you want them, but it's important to realise that the more expense and inconvenience caused to your potential guests, the more people are likely to decline. Just because someone can't afford to spend £££ on your hen do, it doesn't mean they are not a really good friend. If your friends have never given you any reason to doubt their friendship in the past, don't let this change how you feel about them. Enjoy celebrating with those who can afford the overseas trip, and maybe have a smaller-scale, local celebration - a nice meal or even just a drink out - for those who can't make it.

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  • Estina
    Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire
    Estina ·
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    I fully hear what your saying and yes we are having a 3 day wedding, I guess I just feel like because the hype isn't there anymore cos they are all 10-13 years down they just said no. I guess I expected to have the same memories they all have.
    We laugh about all of theirs.
    I guess that's what happens when you're the last
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I think part of being an older bride is accepting that it's not going to be the same as if you married when you were in your 20s or early 30s. I got married in my mid 40s, and my friends were all pleased for me and supportive of me, but they just didn't have the same time, energy or freedom that they had 20 years earlier! They're in a different season of life now. I don't think it's so much being 'the last' (I still have a couple of single friends my age) but about the stage of life people are in. Maybe we get too sensible as we get older Smiley laugh But I'm sure you will have a lovely time with those of your friends who are able to join you x

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  • S
    Dedicated July 2024 West Midlands
    SL WaltonJones ·
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    You are totally valid in your feelings, I understand why you might be upset. But I'm sure you'll have the best time with your friends & family that will go abroad with you. And please make sure you organise something in the UK for your other friends who can't make it abroad. Then you get an extra hen-do!
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  • Gill
    Beginner October 2024 Surrey
    Gill ·
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    I empathise with this so much. I'm 40 and getting married in October this year, and many friends got married in their late 20s. I have found hen do planning and coordination ridiculously stressful and actually very upsetting. I keep coming back to how much money, time and energy I gave to those getting married all those years ago and their hen dos - two of whom aren't evening showing up for my hen do now. It's made me feel so incredibly low. Organising this has felt like herding cats and I feel so let down. I hope your hen do worked out, I'm trying to process that mine will be small and I won't have the quantity that I thought, but those who matter will make an effort. X
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  • Estina
    Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire
    Estina ·
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    Well since my post, I've had to change my hen completely travel companies made it too much money.
    Now having a 90s festival wkend. Brilliant but now I have the added issue of one of my bridesmaids making all kinds of excuses as to why she hasn't got her ticket (I think she doesn't want to go as its not her thing) which is fine. However I have given her so many chances to just say no it's okay. Plus she has so many other things going on don't think this is a priority.
    Then people coming to the hen saying they don't want to share rooms with people but saying everything is far to expensive. I said to one of my friends if you wanna get a hotel fine, but please don't make us wait for you all wkend. I've kinda had enough.
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