Hitched Second Wives Club

I'm on my 3rd husband (oops - but see previous post for crapness of No 1) so I think I'd better let you in!

As for what the Ex's say about me/us... I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall and hear what they have to say.

Yeah, 2 with wifey No 1 and 1 with wifey No 2. We don't see the oldest two very often as they live miles away but have his youngest every other weekend. I get on really well with the kids.

As for CSA, the oldest works full time now, the second oldest is leaving full time education in July which only leaves the youngest to pay for. Whoop! Worked out quite well with me currently carrying child number 4!!

H's ex has just got the CSA involved, after a few years of having a private agreement.

I think she thinks she'll get more.

She pleads poverty, yet is on benefits, with CB for 5 kids, plus money off us for H's 2, then money off her first H for her other 3 kids. She has more money than us, her eldest 3 all have Blackberrys.

If she can afford a boob job and a massivly active social life, she can't be THAT poor...

H has got a new job, with an 8 grand pay rise, I think this was her motivation. We give her more per month than what we're left with after bills etc.

I'd like to go out and get my ❤️❤️ done too love, we can't always have what we want. We're funding her dirty weekends away with her bloke.

I've never had a penny off C's sperm donor. He's only worth a million or so, so you know, can't afford to pay for his child ? But TBH, I prefer it that way. I get nothing off him, he has no rights to my son... C has never met his biological dad (who when I told him I was pg, said he hoped that I died aswell as the baby, nice chap...), but C calls my ex Daddy. He takes c out, buys him stuff, which is lovely. but obviously, as he isn't his real dad, i get no official child support off him, so what my H earns covers that really.

H's ex doesn't think about that, whilst she's busy getting money coming in from everywhere.

Not really - they scowl more about the age gap. He's 17 years older than me. I like to think I've bagged myself a man with experience, and if he royally cocked up the first 2 marriages, he should've learned by now!

H's wives don't go through CSA. Wife 1 because we pay her more than she would get through CSA (and she knows it) and Wife 2 because I am fairly sure she is on the take for something and should the CSA get involved, she would lose out somewhere along the line.

We are happy not to go through CSA because once we are finished paying Wife 1, the amount we pay Wife 2 will be considerably less than if we went through CSA (even though the total amount at the moment is about £50 a month more). I've said to H to offer her some extra once we stop paying Wife 1 to keep Wife 2 sweet so she doesn't get tempted to go to the CSA. Tis all very complicated.

H's ex threatened him with CSA many times, but when she worked out that she is getting more off him than she would going through them she quickly changed her tune.

My stepson is H's stepson..with me? his ex already had G when H got with her and he was only 18months old. He's now nearly 12 and even though H and his mum have split, he still comes with us every other weekend etc and H still treats him as one of his children.

H pays his ex for his daughter only as she gets money for G from CSA from his real dad. H pays more for M than he would have to for both of them through the CSA.

It does annoy me because we could really use the extra money, but it would mean the kids would miss out and we're not prepared to be responsible for that.

The bit that annoys me is the Stepson with Wife 1 never sees any of the money we send for him. He works part time to pay for clothes or outings. He is not allowed to have the heating on his room. His stepdad times him in the shower (he's allowed 2 minutes). And I know it's not cheap keeping a 16 year old in food but she gets £200 a month from us, she gets child benefit too and IMO whatever the father pays towards the child should be the same as the mother pays - equal rights - so that would mean it's costing the best part of £500 a month to keep him yet his sister only pays £100 a month board for her keep...????

Dont get me stared on the CSA! I support both of us because MrMinis ex is a big fan is rinsing us throuhg the CSA. Frequently she will call them for a re-assesment as tell them we dont have the kids at all (we have them very weekend so fall into the 104+ catagory) they then send a revised amount, we have to appeal it etc etc etc. They will always takes the mums word for it. After debt repayments he is left with £30 a month to live on.

We also dont get any clothes from her at the weekends so they have a whole wardrobe here, I buy thier school uniforms, pay for ballet and swimming lessons and take them out when they are here.

Oh and she is on benefits (of course) and her on/off husband, who insists the kids call him daddy doesn't contribute a penny as the kids "are not his responsibility" I am afraid if you want the title mate you need to do your share- MrMini is happy to pay for the little peeps, he just wants the acknowledgement from their mother that they are his children and for them not to be made to call him by his first name.

Rant over.

H and i have a massive struggle with H's ex about child maintenace!

The ex is a bit strange when it comes to maintance , in the beginning she wanted £260 a month for there two kids which we kind of agreed to just to get her of our backs (as there was a lot of drama with her when we was first getting together) H struggled for about a year to get a job but we still paid a bit through JSA and we also said that if they needed uniform or whatever she could ask us to buy it for her which worked ok for a bit.

Once H found a job she was all over us like a rash , she wanted everything all at once , H was working as a car valeter which was really low pay , it wasnt enough to live on to be honest , but she didnt get that she wanted brand new uniform which cost something like £200 plus maintenance on top of that she wanted £400 to pay for a school trip! obviously on £75 pound a week none of that was going to happen it was very unreasonable! She went mad when H said he would try and help towards it but couldnt do the lot, she decided that H wasnt allowed to see the kids or even speak to them.H was obviously gutted by it all and was so hurt that she would use there children as weapons like any father would be. H lost his job a month or so later so there was no way we could help anyway.

H went on to find another job but by that time our finances where out of control and in a complete mess , so we still put money aside to the kids but didnt want the ex to know H had a new job just so we could get sorted with out the nightmare of her on our backs aswell, H stupidly told his mum that he had found a job and said please can you keep it quiet for a while so we can get sorted, within the hour of telling his mum H had a text from the ex saying , your mum said you have a job and your trying to keep it from me so you dont have to pay me!! We couldnt believe that MIL had gone straight to the ex and told her! H and the ex came to a semi agreement that he would pay £100 till we got back on our feet, but after she said no it wasnt enough! It just got left because everytime H and the ex spoke there was major agruements! It all came up again just recently and we offered her £150 a month knowing she wouldnt get much more on the CSA so she was getting quite a good deal but once again they semi agreed but she said she wanted to speak to the CSA first and we havent heard anything since!! She obviously thought she would get more though the CSA but didnt. Personally i think shes trying to play the martre acting like she does everything and H does nothing!

She only ever wants H to see the kids when she wants something or wants to go on a night out or go on holiday!! At least we know the we have put money aside for the kids when they need it!

I have been following this thread with interest as. We are each-other's first husband/wife but we both come from parents who have split and remarried.

OH's mum was a bit of nutter (self-confessed) and after not getting some money, but not what she thought she deserved from OH's Dad and his new wife. OH's Dad took on a woman who had 3 kids (that she was receiving maintenance for) and he said he couldnt afford to pay for his own son. So, after lots of rows and fights MIL went to the CSA and ended up getting more as he is a Policeman and lives in a Police House meaning no rent, MIL ended up getting about 450quid a month for OH.

My mother on the other hand got no support at all from my Dad and went to the CSA to chase him. The CSA decided that as he was 'self-employed' he couldn't provide a lot and said that he should pay my Mum £22.50. Per Month. For 2 kids. My Dad was on the fiddle and Mum had to work 3 jobs.

The CSA are a joke. My Dad was on excellent money, yet he only had to pay £7 a week, for 3 kids...

He was too busy spending it on his GF and her delightful little br@ts.

You cant even buy lunch for 3 kids for a day for that!

I know. When I was a kid, I thought £7 was a lot, and wondered why my Mum was complaining. Not realising it had to be stretched over 3 kids.

Wasn't until I started popping my own out I realised how much my Mum really must have struggled, yet we never went without. I know now that she went without meals so that we could eat, while my Dad, his GF and her kids were going on holidays, eating out, getting designer clothes...

He's recently split with his GF after 18 yrs together, and we've had numerous talks about it all as it's been winding me up for years.

Oh has a better relationship with his Dad now that he's divorcing the wicked step mother. We've seen him more in the last month than in the first year we got together. #

My Dad is a waste of air and we are happily estranged.

JoJo- Its awful to have that flippant attitude towards a child though isn't it? either you are a parent or you are not? There is no middle ground.

don't get me wrong I am annoyed at people who get away with not paying for thier kids, I know a friends ex is working cash in hand to avoid CSA whilst bragging on Facebook about his nights out and holidays- she is left struggling on her own.

The whole system seems very flawed.

This is MrMinis ex'es fav trick.

She normally cancells the application when she realises that she is getting more privately than with CSA.

Indeed ....What goes around, comes around ! ?

Doesn't help your H issue with his child but at least the gorilla has had a taste of his own medicine so there is a sense of satisfaction in that.

Really? My H has never missed a payment for his son, but I don't see why I should have to pay for him as well or why my earnings should be taken into account. I don't grudge him a penny, we put money away for him, pay for clothes, presents etc. I don't see what I earn should be taken into consideration though, I really don't

I'm in agreement here. My H pays over the odds for his two children (even the one who is in residential school - dunno how that works exactly, his ex-W gets a very good deal) but my earnings are nothing to do with this family arrangement ansd shouldn't be taken into account in assessment. Practically, it means that I end up paying for more things in our own household.

Incidentally, in my first marriage, the rule was that partner's earnings WERE assessed (fortunately I was a student) but I recall the deep sense of unfairness this engendered.

I remember when H and I first moved in together. H's ex actually said to him 'So now you're living together surely i'm entitled to 15% of Rods salary too?!'

Er. Jog on love.

hahaha, exactly this. MrMinis Ex has no shame in asking me to pay for school uniforms, ballet/football or xmas pressies. I have a friend who is a single mum whose dad is awful at paying her, she would never every dream of accepting money from his GF, let alone ask for it. Where is the pride in these women?

I wouldn't mind but these are things that we never see as we have a very strict (by her request separation between home and here stuff. Clothes and toys etc never go between the 2)

I genuinely could write a book about the stuff she has done and said in front of the kids. Its so sad, she actibly puts them in the middle.

Whats frustrating for us is that we know she is a benefit cheat as well, she claims to be single but her OH has moved in, so she pays no rent, no council tax, no school dinners and still takes a 1/3 of MrMinis take home each month. Then has the audacity to text us for more, if we say we dont have it then she starts with the "what sort of dad are you etc etc etc" All I can say is I wish I had to the money to get my hair highlighted and cut each month? To have a weekly spray tan, and a nice new set of acrylic nails, a nice new car etc etc......

I could rant about this all day. Must.Remain.Calm.

I'm not a member of the second wives club, but just wanted to say how sad this thread makes me, and how much I admire you ladies for continually doing the right thing by your stepchildren, even when having to deal with these twat faces everyday. It never ceases to amaze how greedy and selfish people can be.

ssssh ?

I get on with them to an extent, I get angry and frustated with them alot. I try and explain to MrMini that when they wake him up early it annoys him but he has that unconditional love for them that I dont. I find it plain annoying.

We dont have time to ourselves. Its just how we are, I got into a relationship with him and married him knowing it was this way so I cant really complain however much I hate it, I made the choice so I need to live with it.

We are in the position that MrMini will be 36 when his oldest is 18 (do the maths ? , she was 16 ? ) I am 29 now. I cant and wont saddle him with more children. He gave up so much to provide for his little family when he was 18. Left college, got 2 jobs etc etc. Its his turn to enjoy all of the things I took for granted when I was younger. ok he would never have gone to uni but he would have had different and dare I say better life experiences if he hand his children. Not that it would come to a contest. Does that even make sense?

I often wonder why I go through all of this stress and angst? I really don't know why? I had a weekend of the ex testing me all sorts of crap because I had told her daughter off. Apparently I am her stepmother and I should care about her. But that care does not extend to telling off children who are naughty? Its so hard. This is in-between her monthly texts to tell em that he is cheating on me ....... ?

I am a second wife, though I often forget. The marriage was over years before we met, they didn't have any children and she moved to Canada. The IL's never mention her either. Good job, as some of you sound like you have a rough time of it.

I think Hitched needs a separate Step-parents forum, like BT but (probably) snarkier.

Blimey, I feel like a Saint! There is no evil mother in my children's lives, just a useless dad and an amazing stepdad.

Should partner's wages be taken into account? No. My husband spends money on the children because he wants to, he shouldn't be forced into it. My kid's stepmum doesn't give a stuff about them, so I'd much rather she didn't contribute to their upbringing. Maybe she could let my ex bring their half sister to see them sometimes instead of insisting that she stays with her. My daughter really wants me to have a girl so she can have a sister - I had to remind her that she already has one.

The kids are spending Fathers Day with my husband, my ex can't see them this week as his mum is busy and he can't take them to her house. ?

Apparantly, as my step daughter spends 1 or 2 nights a week with us, it's OUR fault she needs 2 teeth taken out, and 4 fillings, despite us making sure she brushes her teeth.

Absolutely nothing at all to do with her mother, who has her 5/6 nights a week, and doesn't make sure she brushes her teeth. We get b!tchy texts, that means she must be feeling guilty for letting her daughters teeth get so bad.

And my 4 1/2 yr old step son is STILL wetting the bed. Why? Because his Mum is STILL putting him in pull-ups at bed time ?? She denied it, SS was standing there saying "Mummy, you do put me in nappies, you do." until finally, she said "Well, if you think about it B, you don't wear them ALL the time". GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!