Honeymoon fund instead of gift list - rude?

Thanks Bamboo. The linked post above is about a bride from a similar culture, so I can see how things may have been taken out of context. It's a minefield isn't it!!

Not sure how I missed this thread last night. I don't agree that lots of people having the same opinion on something is ganging up - it's just a popular opinion!

As I guest I personally find gift info quite useful, I wouldn't be offended by it and I prefer to know exactly what the bride and groom would most like so I wouldn't find honeymoon gift list etc are rude if you're being asked about gifts by lots of people.

I think it's extremely rude to specify an amount (and £50 does get me a week's groceries btw) and receiving an invite with this slip in would really wind me up.

It's lovely to receive gifts and I don't think theres anything wrong in specifying the kind of things you'd like to help people choose but these are your friends and family, not marks for a con and any talk of expecting certain figures or only wanting certain things and not being happy with anything else or having an attitude that your guest should contribute because you're spending a lot is rude.

While I will give people ideas of what we'd like I'm not expecting anything and I would also be more than happy with anything of their choosing. I have plenty of birthdays where I don't 'need' anything but still end up with wonderful gifts.

Edit - op - I'm not saying you have this attitude - I'm more referring to other posts - the gift list you e suggested sounds fine in my eyes

There were lots of people on the lap dancing club thread, both for and against- who was ganging up on who there? I can only conclude that's wafts happened as lots of people had the same opinions and that counts as ganging up now right?

What's with all this "y'all" repeatedly? Are we in Texas all of a sudden?

FWIW when we got married we were still living with my FIL so people knew we didn't have all the usual household stuff but no one bought us a toaster! We didn't ask for anything and were given cash and a couple of really thoughtful gifts such as photo frames and champagne flutes.

In response to the OP I don't mind receiving a gift list or even a few lines about how the bride and groom would rather receive cash for x, y or z. If I received no guidance I would just give cash or a voucher for somewhere like John Lewis where you can always find something to spend it on.

You are now straw manning (unless you are still unable to see the problem with your proposal?). What you say here ^^^ is NOT what has generated the negativity.

Very few have objected to honeymoon fund requests. Everyone - bar nobody - has vehemently and viscerally disagreed with specifying or proposing an amount to give.

Please don't misunderstand or misrepresent the argument against you.

PS You never got back to the questions re: guest numbers. Did you forget to account for couples/families gifting together?

Great bit of morning reading This has been my favourite thread since I joined Hitched!

*grabs popcorn

Ignoring all the drama of the thread (I'll read it later)

We've set up a Honeymoon fund with Trailfinders, we've booked our honeymoon with them so this suits us.

We already have our own home, so need no housewares or decoration.

The honeymoon fund with Trailfinders works in such a way that should the amount you get in the fund exceed the amount you paid for your honeymoon you get the extra in gift vouchers, otherwise the amount goes back on the card you paid for your honeymoon on.

Minimum donation is £10 which suits us fine, you get a little slip to go in the invites with details of the fund, it's not demanding and completely optional. ?

ETA: Our honeymoon cost £4300, we've already paid over half off, it's our choice to go not my guests. If the fund reaches just £100 I'd be happy, my guests don't need to contribute a thing, it's completely optional and there will be no resentment should they choose not to. The pleasure of their company will suit us just fine ?

ETA 2: Our weekly food shop comes to £35.00, that's for 2 adults, 4 house rabbits and a tortoise - £15.00 of that is just the animals. We shop at Sainsburys, I'm vegan but O/H eats meat. We only buy fresh fruit and vegetables, then stock cupboard items like lentils/pulses etc, no alcohol/bread/pasta...so just to say you can do a good sized shop, with fresh produce for less that £50 ?..so cheaper than that toaster...

Great thread! Cannot actually believe what I am reading!!

Best comment so far goes to Cilla, this made me spit my tea out over my keyboard!

Happy - I cannot believe that anybody would think it is acceptable to suggest an amount for guests to contribute. And to plan your honeymoon around what you expect to receive from guests. Well. too shocked for words.

Like many, we cannot afford a honeymoon on top of the wedding. If we have any money left we might have a minimoon, maybe a couple of days in the lake district or somewhere after the wedding. I think we will then save for a honeymoon for next year, perhaps on our one year anniversary. Many people have kids / low income etc. If that were the case there is no way I would blow £4k on a honeymoon, but that's your choice.

Giving a gift list or asking for contributions to a honeymoon / deposit etc is the norm these days. We haven't included anything about gifts etc in our invitations as guests are already travelling to France for the wedding. Them making the effort (not to mention the expense) of being there is more than we could have hoped for

What a lovely wee thread to read over Breakfast.

I know a few people who have done the honeymoon fund instead of a gift list and it wasn't received well by their friends. We were in the midst of setting up our home just before our wedding, and had the vast majority of what we needed. I don't like gift lists are a personal preference, so we omitted one from our invites. For those who asked we said we didn't want anything, but if they wanted, cash or IKEA vouchers would be appreciated.

Re booking a honeymoon that you essentially can't afford is just stupid. Our honeymoon cost us less than 800 pounds for 10 days and it was a great holiday! I really don't think that your personal circumstances re money, number of children you have etc should come into it. To say you deserve a 4 grand holiday because of the above is a very selfish attitude to have. Do you plan to take your children with you on this 10 day honeymoon?

Agreed happyredcakes117.

My invite says I got a lot of stuff, but I have no more room. Give cash instead.

I didn't really beat around the bush. I didn't lie and say it was for a house deposit either - any cash we get will probably go into our account and be spent on lattes and lager.

I don't care if we don't get a penny.

Maybe I'm weird but all my guests know me personally and intimately - they KNOW ME. So there is no offense.

Different strokes for different folks?

So your guests are having to spunk a load of money on travel as well?

I don't think anyone has said you are greedy or selfish to ask for a contribution to your honeymoon. People have said it is rude / very bad manors to suggest an amount that guests should contribute. Two very different things. If someone wants to get you champagne flutes / photo frame that is their choice, not yours.

I'm guessing the photoframe and champagne flutes comment was for my benefit?

As it is we use the flutes regularly (we lead a champagne lifestyle, obviously) and don't have a dishwasher so no problem. As for the photo frame are you telling me you have NO photos displayed in your house?

Anyway my point was that the small number of gifts we received were obviously bought with us firmly in mind and for that we were very grateful. Whereas it appears the same cannot be said for you

And did you specify the amount to be donated to the Latte And Lager cause? That's what's causing the problem here. Do you agree with that?

Holey, I took it as 'if it doesn't go in the dishwasher then it won't be used'

Also! If someone made me something homemade as a gift I wouldn't dream of putting it in a drawer never to look at it again, but then I like things like that anyway!

It's not asking for something you'll use that's the problem here, it's the giving people a guide (and that guide being £50) £50 is a lot if money and suffering that's what you think people should spend does come across as greedy. Why specify? and if you are giving a guide why so high? They are your friends and family not customers paying for a show

Am I missing something here redcakes? Your on a fairly low income and have a family to support but you're happy to blow 4k on a honeymoon? Why the hell do you need to spend that much? £50 is a lot of money to me and there's no way I'd be giving that even if you were my closest friend. What you are suggesting is just plain rude. I hope you get lots of toasters.

Poor redcakes, she's taken quite a battering! I don't agree with her about the suggested 'contribution' ... but really, how many people need to be sat around her on their high horses batting her back down whenever she tries to stick up for her own opinion. I'm quite impressed with how long she's lasted, but I'm glad she's decided to bow out now because it was starting to get a bit uncomfortable to watch.

(Uncomfortable, but still necessary to rubber neck.)

Oh wow, I love this post!!!

We haven't specified any gifts as we wouldn't expect anything. I actually feel embarrassed when people ask what we would like! We just want them to be there and enjoy themselves, we understand that the majority of people will have to spend a fair bit on travel and accomodation so we'd never dream of asking for anything, especially not a set amount. If people really want to give something then that is totally up to them, I'm sure our guests know us well enough to get us something appropriate.

We had planned to go to New Zealand on honeymoon but can't afford it, so we're not going... maybe next year. Instead we're spending a grand total of £500 for a week in Barra - me, my new hubby, our puppy, plenty beaches and a nice bottle of whisky - sounds like bliss.

We have recently been to a few friend's weddings but couldn't afford to give much, so we all agreed that we wouldn't give each other any money as they would more than likely just give us the same amount back for our wedding so we all felt it was pointless.

In response to the OP, no I don't think it is rude to ask for money, however as others have said specifying an amount is very rude.

I don't think anyone is "on their high horse" but are just stating their opinion, which happens to be a general consensus. I think most people are just generally baffled by the idea of requesting a certain amount of money. The poster hasn't really helped themselves either.

Personally I don't like any mention of gift lists etc in the invitation, I find it rude. If people want to set up gift lists and then wait until someone asks fair enough, but I don't think it should be advertised. People will give you a gift if they can. Whatever it is people should appreciate it for what it is. It is after all the thought that counts.

I'd actually really like a new toaster.

Wow, this thread has made my morning at work very interesting.

I'm baffled that anyone could think it's acceptable to put a suggested amount to give! If I saw that I'd buy them the cheapest toaster I could find. But thankfully no one that I know would do such a thing.

That's quite a thread!

We haven't got a gift list and are not having a honeymoon. We don't feel comfortable asking people for gifts/money as some of the guests were at our first weddings. I don't actually know what to ask for if someone does offer to get us something!

when a group gangs up on a single person over something thats non of their business giving advice that wasnt asked for and making personal comment... yes

the strip club thing is debatable (although somewhere still offwensve it wasnt paticularly personal) and occure with several groups not just dozens of people telling someone their choice is wrong (which isnt a debate as you have NO say in what she does) and implying personal insults about they're family/husband/friends relationships with them

Happyredcakes I must apologise for one thing - to my surprise it turns out you can easily spend £50 on a toaster so my Google searches tell me. This beauty will set you back £170 as it toasts things 'smartly'. i never knew they could get so expensive. my £10 Tesco one clearly isn't up to the job, maybe I'll rethink my gift list.

if thats aimed at me we DO have 2 savings accounts - 1 for wedding, 1 for house deposit and the money would go direct to the savings, we dont have money to waste and I dont drink lattes or like larger ?

I didn't comment in the strip club thread (apart from lamenting my lack of chest) so I'm not sure where you are going with this one jjckb? The parallel I was trying to draw and obviously have failed miserably at is that that was an issue where in batch of posters thought one way, one batch another- no calculated 'ganging up' , simply a popular opinion shared by many.

ha I do (or rather did). I actually have a set of *every day* ones (eg machine washable) and a set of nicer handwash ones. Maybe I used to drink too much prosecco/champagne ;o)

Sorry I'm late to the party and have only got this far in the thread...but are you serious!!! So because YOU'RE choosing to spend less money on your wedding by having fewer guests (not criticising people who have smaller weddings, it's strictly relevant to this case), you expect your guests to spend MORE on cash gifts for you??? I don't think I've ever heard anything so rude and spoilt in my life.

We have put nothing on our invitations, but have told our parents that if people ask, we would like money towards our honeymoon. A few friends have asked what we want, and again we've told them money towards honeymoon. Our honeymoon will be about £4k including spending, but we've already paid £2k of it from savings we already had (you have to pay a lot up front with Malaysia Airlines - be warned!), and have put a savings plan in place which means we will have enough for the rest by the time we go (early August). Any money we get as gifts for the wedding just means less savings in the future for us, and also means we might be able to put back into the £2k savings we've already taken out of. We would never have booked the honeymoon based on what we think we'd get from guests!!!

not to be racist as im sure they are not all bad but we have a problem with gypsy scrap metellers and they are not shy of breaking in places that look easy (we had a boarded up broken window due to ice falling of the roof over Christmas... they took the landlords fridge too and someone from down the street had the same thing happen with there shed)

"not to be racist..." or "i'm not a racist..." 99.9% of the time followed by a racially offensive statement...