Honeymoon fund instead of gift list - rude?

???

What is this?

My favourite quote = "Everything that comes before a 'but' is a lie" ....

"I'm not being funny, but ..."

"I'm not being horrible, but ..."

"I really like what you're wearing, but ..."

"I'm not racist, but ..."

How have we got to gift lists for honeymoons being wrong ... That was never the case! What was wrong was the ask / guidance for a certain amount of money!!! Can't back track on this I'm afraid love - it's just damn right rude !!!

the strip club thing wasnt aimed at you just a general observation of some posts (i actually pay no attention to screen names in general because Im terrible with names)

How'd i miss this!? *grabs the popcorn thats for the sweet buffet*

to the OP I didn't like the idea of asking people to help us go on holiday, it just ... didn't sit right with me. in fact asking for ANYTHING didn't sit right since a lot of close family are paying for half this wedding! I'm eternally grateful for the help so after the wedding, were gonna count our pennies and see if we can make a holiday for ourselves later in the year. But as a guest if i was asked to buy a 'ride on a gondola' i wouldn't mind, thats what i did for my co-worker's wedding.

i really really want to go to america, my dad's over there and i would love to visit him. Its the next thing to tick off my list after the wedding.

Champagne flutes and photo frames = awesome!

We we will be suggesting to guests if they wish to buy us a gift we would like to have a contribution towards our honeymoon- but I would NEVER dream of suggesting a figure!

I didn't bother with a tacky gift poem.

Maybe I should have put in the terms and conditions of attending my wedding that unless at least £50 is inside each and every card they are not welcome.

Wowcher what a thread!

i would love contributions towards our honeymoon as a gift but don't want to ask for money. a friend of mine did a horrendous poem and added her bank details ...I was invited to the evening reception and whilst I didn't mind giving money I felt embarrassed to only give a tenner or so but didn't want to give more ... I usually give about £30 as a day guest .. more for family or very close friends ... I bought her nice photograph from Next and I've seen it on display in her lounge so she clearly didn't hate it !!

I've no issues with gift lists for toasters or honeymoons but it's disgraceful to "steer" your guests to a desired amount!!

the attitude of happyredcakes was horrible and selfish and I don't see people telling her that they think her plan is grim and offensive is bullying !! but the person that posted with the weird list of up to 4k ??? WTF? ? do you honestly know of anyone that would spend 4k??

I've decided nothing on invites but will have something on the website so if people want to have an idea of a gift then they can click that tab and if they don't want to or are not intending on gift they won't look at that page. I'm honestly not expecting gifts as people are spending enough just coming to spend the day with us.

I think it depends on how affluent a family you come from? Personally I come from a working class background, so none of either families will be contributing to the wedding (and we wouldn't expect them to). However gift lists for actual gifts surely reflect your personality. I think there's a difference between including an expensive item because that's just the type of thing your family would expect, and adding it just out of greed.

either way this whole thread has left me in two minds. I do feel a bit vulgar asking for anything at all, and a gift list IS asking. However I'm pretty sure people will buy us things whether we ask or not. So is it best not to have a list at all, do t mention anything, and just accept any gift or cash that is offered gratefully? If so what do we do with the 20 toasters hahaha

You will not get 20 toasters. Everyone always uses this as an excuse, but it's rubbish.

This comes up every so often and causes such angst. That's why I like the rules. Everyone knows what they are supposed to do/how they are supposed to behave, everyone gets what they want (more or less) and all is well.

Presuming that you invite people whom you love and who love you to your wedding, they will want to get you a gift that you will like. If they don't know what you'd like they will ask you what you want. hence putting together a gift list or setting up a fund or asking for money is not unreasonable or rude if you follow the rules (the same rules you would teach a child for a party).

1) don't ask for a gift

2) If someone asks what you would like, give guidance, without being too prescriptive (ie you can ask for a Barbie but not a malibu barbie with the extra special hat etc).

Extrapolating back to weddings: wait until they ask, then provide a list/registry info/honeymoon fund wihtou specifying which item you want from each person a suggested amount. Simples!

Someone up thread said that their guests knew that they were abrupt (paraphrasing) so it didn't matter if they broke with protocol. This may be true. We (being older) get invited to about 15 wedding each year (actually 23 last year). I generally give between £50-100 per member of our party (which gets expensive if we all bowl up as there are 7 of us) depending on how close we are to the bride or groom for a day invitation. I wouldn't want to get them somwthing they don't want after all....unless they are rude (money poem etc (never heard of an amount specified but this would be in the same category) in which case they get a gift. A nice gift, but I do go off-list if I feel the couple have been rude.

Still, I'm old and set in my ways, and maybe none of you 'up front' brides have people like me in your guest list!

We're not having a gift list as we already have pretty much everything for our home. We've not mentioned anything on our invitations but a some family members have asked our parents what we'd like so we've said money or vouchers. The way I see it, only people that want to give something will ask. I don't feel right asking for things.

As a guest however, I don't mind receiving a gift list or a simply worded request for money. I do hate the poems that try to hide the fact you're asking for money though.

I am another person who did not have a gift list or make any requests. We received a fair whack of cash and euros. (God forbid) a lovely photo frame, Mr and Mrs mugs (cute) champagne flutes and lo and behold a few bottles of champagne!! Not a toaster, kettle or other kitchen appliance in sight.

My brother and SIL to be have put a note in their invitations that they don’t want gifts but if you insist a small contribution to their next project (the driveway) would be appreciated. I am going to buy them something to keep and also give them money but I will be writing a note to say spend this on something fun...of course they can spend it how they like. I just think 'donations' for them to do their drive up is bloody boring way to celebrate their marriage!

I am another person who did not have a gift list or make any requests. We received a fair whack of cash and euros. (God forbid) a lovely photo frame, Mr and Mrs mugs (cute) champagne flutes and lo and behold a few bottles of champagne!! Not a toaster, kettle or other kitchen appliance in sight.

My brother and SIL to be have put a note in their invitations that they don’t want gifts but if you insist a small contribution to their next project (the driveway) would be appreciated. I am going to buy them something to keep and also give them money but I will be writing a note to say spend this on something fun...of course they can spend it how they like. I just think 'donations' for them to do their drive up is bloody boring way to celebrate their marriage!

I have a question ... we're going abroad for ours and therefore want to try and convey to our guests that we really genuinely don't want gifts - it (really really!) is enough that people have given up annual leave from work, made our wedding their annual holiday, bought flights and paid for accommodation etc.

You know what people are like though, they like to buy something, even if something small ... a friend of mine got married in N Ireland and people bought her wrapped up gifts because she hadn't given any gift guidance ... she then had to courier all her gifts back home because she couldn't get it all in her case and it cost her a fortune!

So ... how do I say "really really really don't give us a gift, please don't ... but if you do, please don't bring wrapped gifts to Spain" ... because that's just like saying we don't want a gift but we do.

I mean, if people want to give us anything, then money would be ideal since we are seriously considering cancelling our honeymoon for financial reasons ... but I would rather they didn't ... d'ya know what I mean!?

Why is this so blinkin complicated!

Agree. The minute you mention gifts, you draw focus to it and highlight only too obviously that you have been thinking about gifts.

My cousin got married abroad. Nobody brought wrapped gifts for her, it was all cash.

Agree. The minute you mention gifts, you draw focus to it and highlight only too obviously that you have been thinking about gifts.

My cousin got married abroad. Nobody brought wrapped gifts for her, it was all cash.

It's a difficult one isn't it!! I have to admit, I can't bring myself to ask for money as I was always brought up to think that this was rude. On the other hand, we are having our wedding on a budget and covering the cost of it is a challenge in itself! We decided to ask our guests for contributions to the buffet for the evening reception - we're not having a meal - and state that we didn't require gifts of any kind. The invitations don't go out for a couple of months so we'll see what everyone says then ?

Duplicate - AGAIN

Duplicate - stupid computer

just saw this bit.

My brother for one, he's on an apprenticeship scheme. a tenner is a lot of money. So really, value changes from person to person. If all he could give was a tenner or even a pound OR nothing then I'll accept that, i won't moan or quib about it because then that makes me ungrateful. its just manners.

My view is that gift lists and whatnot are an optional, an idea of what you'd like. having everyone meet a requirement of what they should give is ridiculous and rude.

Are you serious?!?! You don't pay for a honeymoon in the hope that your guests will re-imburse you!!

Hi everyone, come to our wedding that you're paying travel and accomodation for, and oh yeah if you dont mind, will you re-imburse us for the financially crippling honeymoon we've just paid for? Just we cant really afford it so would you mind??

Wow, we're firing on all cylinders tonight arent we??

Some of us are making our own bits and pieces because it has a sort of homemade feel (which I for one love) and its a lot cheaper than buying things that are pretty much the same. And for your information, I shall be reusing my glittery wine bottles as vases for the rest of my life. They will not be going in a drawer as I appreciate what I have made and treasure it.

Another interesting debate this week! Hitched you are spoiling us!

So firstly, stipulating an amount of cash expected from guests absolutely takes my breath away. To me that seems the same as charging your guests £50.00 a head to get a ticket for entry to your wedding. I have read all the replies but really can't see any justification for that in my opinion.

Secondly, we had a John Lewis list and put the cards in the invitations and at the time had no idea that anyone would think it rude or presumptuous because it's what the store told us to do (they gave us the little cards when we registered to go out in the invites) and it's what most of our peers have done at their weddings. BUT I have since read these discussions on Hitched about how many people feel that it's rude to give your list details before anyone has asked, and if we were to do it again, I think I would take heed of that and not send them out in advance because I do take that point. Hopefully none of our guests were offended because it does seem to be 'the norm' in our circle.

Thirdly, we had items of very small value on our list, including a £2.00 cutlery drainer which we were stupidly excited about receiving because we hated our old one (we originally had a much more stylish chrome one that drove us mad as the cutlery used to stick out the sides and fall through the bottom when we picked it up, so we just wanted a plain old plastic one - but I digress) and only a couple of things that were £50 or more. The poster who was planning to ask guests for £50 seemed to think that if you have a gift list, it must be full of expensive gifts but ours was not. A few of the guests eschewed the list for various reasons and gave us money, vouchers or gifts such as (the apparently dreaded) flutes, photo frames, wedding mugs etc and we were very grateful for everything we received.

Lastly, I don't object to being asked for money instead of gifts (but then as I say, I am used to the gift request going out with the invite) but I do hate the poems and I also have had quite a few worded as 'we want your presence not your presents...but if you want to give anything then give us money' and I'm not keen on that statement because I think the latter part negates the former when worded like that and I find the presence / presents 'play on words' a bit twee and overused. Again just my opinion though, I know lots of people do use it and possibly aren't as narky as me.

This is an interesting read!

we have said absolutely nothing in our invites.

a few people have asked and i said we just want to get married, we dont need stuff or money.

we have left it like that.

Have been thinking about this too. I'm torn between saying nothing, or setting up a list with John Lewis and putting the details on our wedding website, or something like 'If you would like to give us a gift we would love some spending money for our honeymoon or we have set up a gift list at John Lewis'. Does this sound too entitled?!

I am just worried that if you say nothing people automatically think 'they want money but don't want to say it' or it is a hassle for them to find something they think you will like.

I don't mind what we get/don't get, but have heard people say that it's easier for the guests if the couple say something about what they would like rather than say nothing.

Such a minefield!

I do try and put thoughts of my first marriage aside but just remembered when I got married in 2001 I had a cheap and cheerful Argos gift list. we did not put the details in the invites but did get lots of lovely presents from the list as well as cash and vouchers and two grilled sandwich toasters ... we stopped one for a kettle. I think word of mouth got the gift list info out there when people asked ... I don't even remember fretting about it ... people normally bring a gift to a wedding and they normally ask if there's a list ... deffo not putting any gift info on my invites! !

Well I've made a sort of practise list now (it comes as part of the justthething website) so if anyone wants to look at it and give their thoughts pm me for the details. It's got a few normal gifts from £10 - £60 and then some cash options from £10 +. The list is just a page on the website so I might not say anything about it at all, then if people see it when looking at our wedding details so be it.

I started to read this thread because, as the original poster, my daughter is getting married and as they have had their house for 5 years they thought they would like to ask for contributions towards a honeymoon. Hoping to find some inspiration for some polite wording. Oh Well. If anyone can help I would be grateful.

I think with many couples, houses are already set up so the need for a traditional wedding list is not always appropriate. My experience is that guests do like some guidance about gifts so they don't duplicate etc. Have to admit to being horrified at Redcakes idea. If my daughter was doing that I would be so embarrassed. We, like an earlier poster went to the Lake District for 3 days. That was 31 years ago, and we're still happily together. Redcakes, you said you thought you 'deserved' a holiday. Maybe you do, don't we all? I hope you can maybe see a better, more polite way of achieving some contributions.

If anyone has asked for contributions towards a honeymoon without a cheesy poem, I would love some ideas. x

Well after thinking long and hard we've decided not to say anything at all, and definitely no horrible poems. Instead we're going to have the wedding website url on the bottom of our invitations. Then only those who are interested enough to go to the website and click on the gift list will see it. Anyone who asks outright will be told we're not expecting anything and will be grateful of anything should they feel it is necessary. The gift list on the website will have some normal gifts and some contributions towards the honeymoon but these will be set up as actual gifts (like the gondola ride, meal out etc) so people can actually see what they are buying us rather than just giving money.

Any gift enquiries to Mrs Rosies21.

Sorry, I don't understand the reply. xx