Horrible thing happened to my boyfriend

Are his friends ladz? Will they enjoy bringing this up for bantz?

I think his only option here is to laugh along with them I am afraid. He can control other people and their reactions to this but he can deal with how he reacts to it.

If they're good enough friends to be invited, then they should be kind enough not to bring this up at the wedding. Surely they realise that he's sensitive about it? A bit of teasing at work is one thing, but I'd like to think they'd be nice enough not to bring it up on his wedding day.

On the other hand, these things do happen and his reaction is possibly what's keeping the teasing going. If he learns to laugh it off chances are they may get bored.

Is this real? Or a joke?

Why would it be a joke?

I appreciate the comments about "laughing it off" and I suspect that might be the case when he's with his mates but he's paranoid that his family, parents, brothers, etc will find out.

The police force can be an unforgiving environment, too.

I don't think there's much we can say to help really. He'll have to laugh it off i'm afraid. These things happen and the less ashamed he is the less stick he'll get for it.

Are you saying he wants to put off the wedding because of this?

If it's so bad don't invite the colleagues and have a small wedding. To be honest i'd be more embarrassed of my colleagues than my family if this had happened to me.

Hmmmm... I like to think that blokes of that age would be able to display a bit of maturity to not bring that up on the wedding day. One can only hold their wee in for so long, and to be honest, that could have happened to anyone.

Bare in mind though, this is a fairly recent thing, so it is still fresh in their heads, time will make it old news.

The only other way for the heat to be off of him quickly is for one of collegues to have an embarrassing moment....

One of his police colleagues will be his best man and pretty much all of his mates are police officers. The only thing that makes me a bit twitchy is that the only way I could make contact would be through the best man so there's no way of getting across the sentiment behind the message.

to be truthful, I'm less worried than he is although I didn't get a good response when I suggested he tell his family now so as to avoid later embarrassment.

I agree with the others. He should laugh along with them and fully expect it to come up in the speeches.

I i know my OH's mates were less than gentle when it came to speeches. It's what boys do.

This. I think ... because ... are you fretting over having a wedding because your fella wet himself?

I do sympathise with how mortified he must feel about this and how some lads can be a bit mean and not know when to stop taking the pis$ ... but really - is your wedding really hanging in the balance because your fella feels embarrassed about something entirely unrelated that happened months (potentially more than a year) before it?

How is the wetting incident [*giggle* - sorry] even a part of the wedding conversation!?

I really, really do appreciate all the responses and so many of you have said the same things that I have to agree you're pretty much right. I haven't even told any girlfriends so it is nice to read all the comments here.

I think the only thing I would want to emphasise is that to laugh something off, there normally needs to be a bit of humour in the incident itself. I'm sure most of us have heard about someone doing something extremely embarrassing after a few drinks on a night out, or wetting the bed when horribly drunk or weeing in the street or along those lines. I think it's worth bearing in mind the circumstances for my S - perfectly sober, on the way home from work, still partly in uniform and in anguish. Although he didn't actually 'do it' on the train, it was still in public. So maybe a bit different from a comical incident.

But I do welcome all your comments, thanks.

I hear that, it would be a different story if he had been on the lash and had a few beers.

What I will say is, boys will be boys and they will find it hilarious that your OH is squirming in his seat more than the event itself. At the end of the day, he only wet himself, try pooing yourself (ahem!).

i think the more he shows anguish at the situation, the more the lads will rib him about it.

My OH's best mate had an incident when they were playing football where he ermm 'followed through' shall we say. What was worse was that he carried on playing (I have no idea why - although apparently it was quite a good tactic as no-one would come near him so he didn't get tackled!).

Anyway, my point here is that when he got married, all the football mates were at his wedding - it didn't get mentioned in the speeches and it didn't get brought up by any of them in conversations during the day (although, it does quite often gets mentioned when they're reminiscing about past events)! He just deals with it by laughing about it, he doesn't get offended so they don't harp on about it. I think if he did get offended they'd take the pis$ more than they do.

Are you sure it won't have just blown over by the time of the wedding? I'm sure how he handles it will determine how long the ribbing lasts for. I used to work at a Police Headquarters so know the sense of humour they have, I'm sure by then there'll be something else they'll be talking about?!!

Thanks JellyBellyBride, that's very comforting.

Oh, I wish S could read all this!

I wouldn't take it upon myself to talk to his colleagues about this. Why can't he do that himself? He could email if it's too uncomfortable.

if you start getting involved they may tease him even more. its a bit 'mummy called to tell us off' don't you think?

Im sure he values your support but this is something he needs to resolve with his mates.

Why would he ask someone to be best man whom he can't be honest with anyway?

I know this will probably come across as a bit insensitive but I think your OH needs to man up. Yes it was an unfortunate incident & I really feel for him but ultimately he can't change that it happened or that other people know about it. The more he brazens it out the less amusing it will be. It will soon be forgotten & brought up once in a blue moon.

Whatever happens, I wouldn't get involved if I were you. He's a big boy and he can deal with his own friends. You getting involved makes him look even more "weak".

Maybe I just don't understand "lads" (especially since neither my H nor his mates are laddish) but can't he just have a quiet word with his best mate about the fact that he gets that it's just "banter" (I despise that word) but he really doesn't want it to be brought up at the wedding.

Also I'm a big believer in "you can't change what happens to you but you can change how you feel about it"...what's the worst that will happen if it does get brought up at the wedding and his family find out? I completely understand that it's embarrassing but it's something that could have happened to anyone under the circumstances, is it really that shameful?

This

Plus as a fellow Londoner I have been soooo close to pissing/sh!ting/vomiting on the tube on many occasions (as I am sure many frequent tube users have) so although I would laugh if it was one of my mates I would totally get and sympathies with the whole situation.

Worse things have happened. No one died, no one was hurt - your oh pissed himself. Yes it was mortifying at the time but in all honesty it's not the end Of the world.

Your oh needs to get over it and if his friends bring it up on the day then laugh along with it ffs.

Yep!

I've definitely come close to all three.... So far only actually managed non stop puking on the tube but also had the worry that as I was so ill I was running out of bags to puke in or bags that didn't have holes in (sorry if TMI). That was pretty embarrassing but I just had to get on with it in order to get home. I hadn't been drinking either by the way.

To the OP - I think your boyfriend is making more out of this than needs be which will only serve to make him feel worse. The more he acts like it's not a big deal the better as it's less likely to be spoken about again. Plus if I'm honest, I can't imagine someone making a funny story out of that, it's not like they'd been on an all night bender had a load of laughs and then he had pissed himself.... It's literally just that he was desperate for a wee and couldn't hold it longer.

My husband had the same problem when he had a very nasty, fairly serious urinary tract infection. It happened when he was standing on the doorstep of a customer, waiting to install her gas cooker. He had no choice but to get on with the job in a dodgy pair of old overalls he found in the van and what's more, he had to explain to the customer and ask if she would allow him to change in her house.

at the time he was mortified. Now he jokes about it himself. Your OH needs to lighten up and join in the joke and then they will leave him be. Certainly the story won't make it into your wedding, it didn't into ours!

I have to agree with this. I can understand the sentiment and you want to help but you have to leave him to fight his own battles.

I also understand the Laddish culture. My OH's mates are extremely laddish despite most of them having very professional jobs (Architect, Solicitor etc). When I first met them they couldn't wait to regale me with his most embarrassing stories. We had only been together a few months at the time!! My OH fully expects his most embarrassing stories to be brought up in the best man's speech for all family and friends to hear. Yes it is childish and I completely get that not all men act like this but some do - and there isn't much you can do about it.

However, the main problem you face is how your OH is feeling about it and how he is reacting to it. It is impacting on his life and his shameful feelings need to be addressed. Maybe ask him why he feels so ashamed of it. It is a normal biological function that we all do. He was caught short in understandable circumstances. Does he have 'shameful' feelings about other aspects of his bodily functions. How would he feel if instead he had been sick down himself? What are his views on having sex in public? It might seem unrelated but these all point to how relaxed or uptight he feels about other 'private' things. If he is generally a little 'uptight' about what he considers private things then he is really going to struggle with this. But just telling him to 'laugh it off' is not as easy as it sounds. He needs to be more comfortable with the whole thing before he will feel less ashamed by it. It is the child in him that feels ashamed and the parent side of him will be chastising himself for not going before the journey etc. The adult side of him will know these things happen and that is the side you are trying to talk to and reach. Give him a hug and say you are not ashamed of him because of it and that you don't love him any less. Keep repeating that these things happen and you might help him relax about the whole thing. After a while of this you can include some gentle jokes but not the ribbing he gets from his friends. Don't make it a taboo topic as otherwise he will become even more paranoid about it.

As an aside I am generally quite uptight about these kind of things and have been nearly caught short several times on the tube/train. When I was first going through peri-menopause it was like my bladder was the size of a pickled baby onion. I needed to go lots (it is a symptom apparently). I am now diligent about going to the loo often before and whenever there is a loo on a journey just in case. When we went to a festival earlier this year I even bought some tena ladies to wear just in case I was so paranoid about the long queues. Tena Ladies!! I hid them and have never told anyone - my OH or my friends. The thought of wetting myself in public makes me feel physically ill. Just reading your OH's experience made me go all hot and flustered. I'm off to the loo now just to make sure!!

Thank you Cinnamon009, what a lovely reply.

i know I'll bore others to death if I say much more but your wonderful response raises many issues to be addressed. Thank you.

Wouldn't he have got more stick if he'd been caught doing it in a public place and got nicked for it?